As another No-Shave November draws to a close, I hope everyone got as much out of it as I did. It was just one short year ago that I first learned of this important event…
My sister told me her 17 year-old son, Andy, looks like a scruffy lion these days. He says he is observing No-Shave November. I had to laugh, admiring his creativity. I mentioned this to my daughter, Gwen, and she said she is also observing No-Shave November. Apparently this is a bon-a-fide phenomenon.
Congress has wasted plenty of time on stuff like National Yo-yo Manufacturers Month. We should get them working on really meaningful observances, like the following:
Junk-the-Jumping-Jacks January: This is a natural progression after the holidays. All categories of exercise are included in the ban. If all skinny and buff people are forced to give up exercise for one month, the rest of us won’t look so bad by comparison.
Financial-Worry-Free February: A whole month without stressing about the almighty dollar. Credit card companies will have to give everyone a month, interest free, without bugging us about those lingering Christmas bills.
Mom’s-Movie March: Mom gets control of the remote, and can watch whatever she wants on TV. Some men will have to have their twitching right hands tied down to keep from grabbing the remote. Viewership on Lifetime and HGTV will skyrocket.
Amnesty April: Bank fees, traffic tickets; history. Didn’t pay your taxes? No worries! Even more important, you can return that 1-week overdue library book without risking the librarian’s mighty wrath.
Moratorium-On-the-Majors May: Remember when each sport had its own season? How about just one month without major league baseball?
Jewelry June: It has been 6 long months since Christmas, and a girl needs some bling. Husbands (and significant others) give gifts of jewelry to their special ladies every day this month. No man? No worries! Treat yourself – you deserve it!
Just-Undies July: This is not what you think, perverts. I mean no laundry duties for the month of July. Except underwear. There’s lazy, and then there’s gross.
All-Novel August: Everyone is encouraged to read as many thrillers, trashy romances and whodunits as possible, preferably stretched out on a hammock or beach towel. Textbooks, or any other literature designed to improve the mind, are strictly forbidden.
Sleep-In September: Sorry, boss. I’ll be rolling in around 11 every day during September. And I may not get out of bed at all on the weekend.
Only-Sweets October: We’ll have chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Children will be punished for leaving gummi bears on their plate, and anyone found sneaking vegetables is subject to a fine. We’ll end the month with Peptoctober. Those with really severe digestive problems may need Proctober.
No-Shave November: As already mentioned. I recommend women avoid going sleeveless, unless they can speak German.
Diet-Free December: Wait a minute. We already observe this tradition.
Let’s get Congress working on this task as soon as possible. That will distract them from messing up the country, at least for a little while. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go French-braid my underarm hair.