My sister told me her 17 year-old son, Andy, looks like a scruffy lion these days. He says he is observing No-Shave November. I had to laugh, admiring his creativity. I mentioned this to my daughter, Gwen, and she said she is also observing No-Shave November. Apparently this is a bon-a-fide phenomenon.
This got me thinking. Congress has wasted plenty of time establishing such useless things as National Yo-yo Manufacturers Month. We could get them working on really meaningful observances. There are a lot of things I don’t want to do. And there are lots more things that I would like to do. Our year could look something like this:
Junk-the-Jumping-Jacks January: All categories of exercise are included in the ban. This is a natural progression after the holidays. If all the skinny and buff people are forced to give up exercise for one month, the rest of us won’t look so bad by comparison.
Financial-Worry-Free February: A whole month without stressing about the almighty dollar. Credit card companies will have to give everyone a month, interest free, without bugging us about those lingering Christmas bills.
Mom’s-Movie March: Mom gets control of the remote, and can watch whatever she wants on TV. Some men will have to have their twitching right hands tied down to keep from grabbing the remote and turning away from all the made-for-TV chick-flicks. Viewer ship at HGTV will skyrocket.
Moratorium-On-the-Majors May: Remember when each sport had its own season? Let’s try to go one month without major league baseball.
Jewelry June: It has been 6 long months since Christmas, and a girl needs some bling. Husbands (and significant others) give gifts of jewelry to their special ladies every day this month. No man? No worries! Treat yourself – you deserve it!
Just-Undies July: This is not what you think, perverts. I mean no laundry duties for the month of July. Except underwear. We don’t want to get too gross.
All-Novel August: Everyone is encouraged to read as many thrillers, trashy romances and whodunits as possible, preferably stretched out on a hammock or beach towel. Textbooks, and any other literature designed to improve the mind, are strictly forbidden.
Sleep-In September: Sorry, boss. I’ll be rolling in around 11 every day during September. And I may not get out of bed at all on the weekend.
Only-Oprah October: All TV stations will run Oprah 24/7. Oprah’s magazine will be required reading in every classroom. My blog, the latest addition to Oprah’s entertainment family, will be linked to every site on the internet. (Shameless self-promotion and sucking-up to the Queen, I know)
This would dovetail nicely with: Only-Sweets October: We’ll have chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Children will be punished for leaving gummi bears on their plate, and anyone found sneaking vegetables is subject to a fine. The end of the month might need to be renamed Peptoctober. Those with really severe digestive problems will end the month with Proctober.
No-Shave November: As already mentioned. I recommend women avoid sleeveless tops, unless they can do a pretty good German accent.
Diet-Free December: Wait a minute. We already observe this tradition.
Let’s get Congress working on this task as soon as possible. That will distract them from messing up the country, at least for a little while.
You may have noticed there is no entry for April. I ran out of ideas and need some help. Please submit your great idea by clicking on the Leave A Comment link below.
Remember, there are no dumb ideas. Well, actually there could be quite a few dumb ideas, but give it a shot anyway.
How about Amnesty April- During the entire month of April any bank fees, traffic tickets, parking tickets, etc. that we have accumulated will be wiped off our record for the year.
Great idea! Since the 15th of April is a dreaded deadline, it’s only logical to extend amnesty to taxes.
Unfortunately for all the moms out there, March has already been deemed Mustache March. Sorry to have to tell you the bad news!
A Tom Selleck mustache might not be a bad thing.