I dusted off this once Freshly Pressed post and gussied it up a bit in honor of America’s fast-approaching day of financial angst.
Pass these fabulous ideas along to any elected officials you know, OK?
If you do the crime, you pay the fine.
What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to pay more taxes.
Most of us are doing our tax returns right about now, and that usually involves complaining about how much we have to pay. Don’t look at it as a bad thing. Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses taxes to change our behavior. We are encouraged to do some things like buy houses, solar panels and windmills, and not do others like smoking, drinking and driving gas-guzzling cars.
I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea. My plan will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path.
Here’s a partial list of proposed taxes:
Individuals
- Me No Like-y Tax: Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed. Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon.
- Scanties Tax: This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low. Also levied if the person is wearing what they call leggings, but which are clearly nothing more than pantyhose. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (Butt-Crack Cleavage). The fine is waived if the person is a professional underwear model.
- Tortoise Tax: This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit. Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.
- Gimme Shelter Tax: Fine levied on people who feel the need to attach the word “shelter” or “rescue” every time they talk about their pets, as if that were some type of breed, so that everyone knows what big-hearted humanitarians they are. An invoice for ten times the usual fine will be automatically generated for celebrities when interviewed by People, Us Weekly and similar magazines, as they are practically guaranteed to use these words.
Businesses
- Murdering the King’s English Tax: Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language. This will be levied for:
- Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
- Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
- Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
- Nobody’s Home Tax: Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human. The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.” Nobody is looking anything up. Don’t you think we get that we’re talking to a computer?
- Green Is The Color Of Money Tax: Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon. A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without actually making any changes in how they live.
I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later. I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.
I welcome constructive input, that is. Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me. To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax.
That will be 10 cents each, please.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
HYSTERICAL AND SPOT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks, my dear. Did you get your taxes done? I keep bugging the girls about it, and reminding myself, “they’re grownups, they’re grownups, not my concern, they’re grownups…” 🙂
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And yet you know the consequences and hope they get it done without penalties. Another gem of yours, Peg. And yes, I am still working on mine. Hope to get them done by Sunday or so… 🙂
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It’s the “or so” that worries me, Miss Tar-Buns. 🙂 BTW, Bill and I will be at your party next weekend. What time and what can we bring?
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Love this!
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Wouldn’t it be great if we had this kind of power?
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It would be. And I’d like to add one: people who start all their sentences with “So …”. I just came from a meeting where 3 different PhDs did that. Somehow I didn’t hit or fine anybody.
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Your self-control is unbelievable. I can SO relate, except at the other end of the sentence. In fact, I once did a post about this very topic… https://pegoleg.com/2011/07/25/the-tell-tale-heart-of-the-matter-some-little-habits-can-drive-you-to-murder/
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I’m thinking the Scanties Tax could be renamed the “cracks tax.”
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Good one. And you would be subject to the “wise-cracks tax.”
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I gots like a green shelter toade, how much do I owe?
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Just send all your money and we’ll call it good.
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Oh, yes for the ‘like’ tax. It’s just, like, you know, like, so annoying. 😁
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I know, like, totally!
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Scanties tax is cool…can we have a Bunchies Tax for those draped in pants with so much fabric they have to bunch it up in the center with one hand in order to walk?
(Can we put advertising and marketing people in the Salem-style stocks and throw tacks at them?)
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Whoa, whoa, we’re taking this thing a bit too far now. I’m sensing some real hostility. Maybe the stocks and throw marshmallows?
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tacks, taxes…not sure which is the sharper weapon? HA HA (Can they be flaming marshmallows…s’mores would be sweet! )
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Primo. You need to make an addendum and include a tax on inappropriate cell phone use. Government coffers would be stuffed to bursting. If cell phones were designed to detonate when used behind the wheel, nobody in New Jersey would have hands. They could rename the state Stumpyville.
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How did I miss that one? We would be in the money in no time! It’s against the law to drive with a cell phone in Illinois – it has to be the kind that goes through the radio, which leaves me at a distinct disadvantage on the road. I’m thinking double fines for texting.
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Welp, it’s against the law in NJ, too, but nobody seems to think it applies to them. We could call it a Stupid Tax.
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How about an exposed muffin top tax ?
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Excellent. I’ll pass that one along to the planning committee.
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A tax on everyone who says the word ‘amazing’ (over-worked superlative tax) or calls someone an ‘idiot’ (uncalled for derogatoriness tax).
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Oh no, I don’t know how I missed this! “Amazing” is my husband’s absolute worst trigger and now he’s got ME cringing when I hear it. This is a problem since I watch House Hunters a lot and it is apparently a condition of the show that people have to say it at least 50 times.
And I’ll have you know I pronounced “derogatoriness” out loud to try it on for size. I like it.
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(Warning: Shameless self-promotion) I once dedicated a post to a list of over-used words of approval:
https://kitchenmudge.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/hes-doing-that-again/
“Amazing” was near the top of the list.
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…as it deserves to be. And shameless self-promotion is the best kind.
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LOL and Kudos – I seriously jealous you managed to cram your list into something shorter than War & Peace style volume – I may just mosey over to editing software and see if I can trim the list – OR – add about another 101 things, since I last lost my temper over the overall system – but I think anyone who waters their sod lawn at noon, in July, when it’s 106 degrees, with a wide arc sprayer, um, yeah, Can we please have a ‘waterin’ the air for the heck of it’ tax? LOL
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I’ll add that one to the list. Especially if I’m walking past their place when the sprinklers turn on.
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Lol
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If Texas would impose the Cracks alone, I swear we would have enough revenue (alongside petrol refining, gun sales) to secede from the US once and for all. Perhaps we could charge a bit more if there’s a visible ‘stamp’ between the belt and floss.
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Yikes! I forgot about that one, Shannon. The tramp-stamp would be a definite money maker.
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I would add 10% to the sales tax on the transaction if a check or credit card is used for a purchase of less than $20.
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My daughter uses her debit card for everything. She stopped by our house on her way to the airport to fly to Hawaii and, when I asked, casually verified that she had absolutely no cash on her person. No cash! I emptied my wallet for her because it is inconceivable to me to travel without money.
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Would it be OK if I cross-posted this article to WriterBeat.com? I’ll be sure to give you complete credit as the au4thor. There is no fee; I’m simply trying to add more content diversity for our community and I liked what you wrote. If “OK” please let me know via email.
Autumn
AutumnCote@WriterBeat.com
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Sure, thanks for stopping by.
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