For someone like me who has a serious sugar addiction, major holidays mean major problems. Some holidays aren’t so bad: St. Patrick’s Day is all about the booze, Fourth of July is all about the burgers, and Presidents Day is all about mattress sales. The big three for sugar junkies are Christmas, Halloween and Easter.
Here we go again.
When our kids were little, my Easter bunny process went like this:
- Buy supplies at least a week early so I don’t end up at the store the night before with empty shelves devoid of all but a few overpriced and/or inferior candy selections.
- Eat all the supplies.
- End up at the store the night before with empty shelves devoid of all but a few overpriced and/or inferior candy selections.
- Pin the checkout girl to an end-cap with my forearm across her throat screaming, “What do you MEAN you’re out of Cadbury Crème Eggs? I GOT to HAVE those EGGS! Go to the back room and find me some #&^%$ eggs!!!”
- Dash out of the store with my second-rate purchases before the police arrive.
- After the kids go to bed, bring out their baskets and plastic eggs and distribute the candy:
- One solid, milk chocolate bunny for Lizzy’s basket
- One solid, milk chocolate bunny for Gwennie’s basket
- One solid, milk chocolate bunny for Mommy
- A handful of jelly beans for Lizzy’s basket
- A handful of jelly beans for Gwennie’s basket
- A handful of jelly beans for each of the plastic eggs
- A handful of jelly beans for Mommy
- Repeat with all available candy items
- Hide the baskets and eggs around the house while consuming half a bag of Reese’s Mini Peanut Butter Cups in the pastel, foil wrappers.
- Wake up early to witness the children’s delight as they hunt for their baskets and eggs before church. Except I usually missed this part because I was in the bathroom with morning-after digestive problems and a killer, sugar hangover.
The kids are out of the house now. I still want to mark the occasion by making baskets for them, but now I do Easter Priority Mail Boxes. I’ve gotten a little smarter about the process and have set some rules for myself to avoid a sugar overdose.
- Buy the candy the night before I plan to ship it.
- Leave the goods in the car. Do not, for God’s sake, DO NOT BRING THE CANDY INTO THE HOUSE!
- Make the boxes up at my office where I’m less likely to lose control.
- If I eat a couple of jelly beans in the process, that’s OK.
- If I bite the head off of a chocolate bunny, I have gone too far. Do NOT mail that one.
- Ship every piece of candy (except those with teeth marks) and do NOT keep any around the house or office.
- Do NOT go to the store next Monday to stock up on ½ price clearance Easter candy. That’s not fooling anybody.
I got the Easter Priority Mail Boxes out yesterday, and I’m sure my girls will be touched. I wish I could see the look on their faces when they open them on Easter morning, but we live too far away now. Besides, after church I will be busy enjoying my new favorite treat since I’ve tamed the sugar addiction – Bloody Marys.
I was talking about my problem with Easter candy with my sister Libby, and she’s the one who said the line that inspired this post and became the title. I ’bout spewed coffee out my nose.