Freshly Pegged – She’s A Maineiac

Have you ever sent a post out into the blogosphere, absolutely convinced it was going to be Freshly Pressed?  And then it wasn’t?

You’re not alone.

I’ve asked some fantastic bloggers to select the post that had them muttering,”THIS One Should Have Been Freshly Pressed.”  A new blogger will be featured each week. freshlypegged2

Because of intense pressure from readers (otherwise known as one random suggestion), this post series has been renamed “Freshly Pegged”.  Participants will be awarded a genuine, simulated “Freshly Pegged” JPEG badge, suitable for posting in a place of honor on their blogs.  Or not.

Be sure to read all the great Freshly Pegged offerings to date.  But before you do, let’s check out…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Darla from She’s A Maineiac. Darla blogs about life in general and family life in Maine in particular.  Her signature tools are humor (usually), tenderness (often), and great writing (always).  Darleeta’s vlogging skills are legendary.  Hers is a WordPress Recommended Family Blog.  It should also be a Recommended For Everything Blog.

I first saw Darlinkidinkidoo when she was kicking butt and taking names at Good Greatsby’s caption contest (no link provided because he never stops by here any more.  Besides, he’s got enough traffic at his place.  Not that I’m jealous or anything.)  I didn’t really get to know Darla, however, until caption contest shenanigans morphed into the world’s best Extreme Comment Hijack.  After the dust settled, an epic, bloggy friendship had arisen from the ashes.

This week’s Freshly Pegged badge goes to “A Brief History of Sex”.  For sure, THIS one should have been Freshly Pressed.

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Hey, sweetie…let’s make love….Honey?
[…snoring…]

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I started to think sex was weird.

Maybe it was when we had that first health class in fifth grade and the creepy teacher passed around a maxi pad, urging us to discuss the feelings we had about the opposite sex and our changing bodies.

Maybe it was when my best friend informed me on the playground that Brian and Heather were making out in the trees next to the jungle gym.

In either case, I was left confused and mortified–probably because I thought getting your period only meant your life was cursed for all eternity (not too far off with that guess), and unless ‘making out’ meant a secret hide-n-seek game involving deciphering codes on a pirate’s treasure map, I wasn’t interested.

I can’t remember who told me exactly what sex entailed, and I’m not clear on what my reaction was when I found out. But I have a feeling it went something like this:

Friend: Then the boy puts his–

Me: NO! Nononononono! [plugging ears] I can’t hear you! lalalalalalalalala!

Friend: …and then the girl–

Me: Ahhh! AHHH! Stop! Stop talking! Oh, god! I just want to die!!! ahhhhhhhhhh!
[running away, flailing my arms and screaming at the top of my lungs]

Once I hit middle school age, the whole concept still struck me as being generally ugh-y and super icky. Sex was this big mystery and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out its secrets. Even innocent games of Spin the Bottle gave me panic attacks. The bottle would spin in slow motion and I’d squeeze my eyes shut and silently pray, “Please don’t be me! Please don’t be me!” My greatest fear was to be banished to a dark closet with a cute boy, fumbling around in the silence. Sure, I had my crushes. I played my share of ‘kissing tag’ on the playground. I could understand the attraction part. But I always felt a few steps behind the other kids whenever it concerned actual sex. It all just seemed way too complicated and painfully embarrassing. First, why would anyone purposefully want to do that? And second, if I was ever going to do that, it could damn well wait until I at least loved the boy. Or didn’t think he had cooties.

College was filled with more confusion, bad dates, casual relationships here and there. Mostly, I spent my time in the library, holding out hope of finding my Mr. Right and not Mr. He’ll Do For Now, I Guess. Who knew libraries weren’t exactly a hotbed for singles looking for love?

Then in my 20s, I finally met the love of my life, my husband.

When you’re still in your 20s, sex is almost a constant need. You enjoy it, you look forward to it. You think it’s the greatest thing since microwave pizza. Finally you find someone that actually wants to do it with you all the time and you don’t mind! So you try to top yourselves with the sexathons:

“Hey, honey! Wanna do it again? I know! Let’s try and do it seven times in one day! We’ll break a world record!” or “Hey, honey! I just made a bologna sandwich. Wanna do it?” or “Hey, honey! It’s 2 pm. Wanna do it?” Sex is fun and giddy and full of lustful anticipation.

Then you get married, and a few years go by; you start to think, “Hey, let’s have a baby!” Suddenly sex completely transforms from this thing you once enjoyed immensely to this thing that hangs over both of you like a big black cloud sucking every ounce of pleasure out of your romantic relationship.

And if you’re like me and can’t get pregnant to save your life, sex becomes another chore. A long, drawn-out-over-two-years chore full of charts and temps and pinpointing ovulation and the phases of the moon.

“Hey, honey. Sorry, but we have to do it tomorrow at 3:15.” [sighing heavily]

“Huh? Well, I can’t, I’m at the gym then.”

“Nope. It’s 3:15. We only have a 14 hour window for ovulation. My egg has already descended the fallopian tube and it’s waiting for your sperm. So the optimum fertilization time is tomorrow at 3:15. Oh and we have to tilt my uterus at a 45 degree angle, say a few prayers, light a sage incense, and then dance naked around a fire chanting Kumbaya under the new moon.”

“Again? Aw, man! Didn’t we just do all that last week? Great. Just great.” [heavy sigh]

I finally not only got pregnant but stayed pregnant. Nothing short of a miracle for me with my medical history. Also a testament to the hundreds of times we had stressful mechanical sex for the sole purpose of merging egg with sperm every cycle for over two years. Isn’t it romantic?

After a long labor and emergency c-section, my son arrived, healthy and perfect. It was at my first post-op appointment with my OB/GYN that taught me the next phase of sex: After kids.

Me [excitedly]: So…when can we have sex again? Once the stitches heal?

Doctor: Ha! Sex? Oh, no, no, no. You won’t be having sex again for awhile, trust me. [chuckling to himself]

Me: Because of the stitches?

Doctor: Because of your baby.

After my son turned four, I gave birth to my daughter and met with my doctor once again.

Me [excitedly]: So…when can I go on birth control again?

Doctor: Birth control? For what?

Me: For when we start to have sex again.

Doctor: [snickering] Ha! Sex? Oh, no, no, no. You won’t have to worry about that. You have two young kids under the age of five! Ask me again in about four years! [laughing so hard he starts to gasp for air]

Now my husband and I are forging ahead into new territory. We’re both in our early 40s. Our kids are much older and less reliant on us so we have more quality time alone. We could have all the sex we want.

But now we’re just too damn tired.

Me: “Hey, honey…pssst…so…you wanna…”

Him: “Huh? Wha? Oh, I guess I was sleeping just then. What did you want?”

Me: [….snoring….]

Him: “Honey, wake up, what did you want?”

Me: “Oh…sorry I just nodded off there, too. Um, yeah, did you want to do it tonight or next Tuesday night?”

Him: “Well, Conan looks good tonight, he’s got Will Ferrell on so…aw, what the hell. Let’s do it! Honey? Honey!”

Me: [….snoring…..]

Him: “Yeah. We’ll do it Tuesday for….for…..[yawn]….suuuure….[…snoring…]

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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149 Responses to Freshly Pegged – She’s A Maineiac

  1. Go Jules Go says:

    First off, that Freshly Pegged badge is EPIC. I want to put it on my blog right now even though I haven’t earned it.

    I remember this post so well – it really SHOULD have been Freshly Pressed, DP! And what do you mean about libraries?? Wow. This explains so much of my college years.

    Like

  2. Ya’ know, I don’t get that whole Freshly Pressed thing. I never have been FP’d. (sounds dirty) I’ve written some pretty funny things but I’m sure there is too much profanity for FP’s delicate sensibilities. But then yesterday I wrote a clean one on organ donation, and FP usually likes all those serious, kumbayah, pseudo-intellectual crap… but nada.

    But hey, I like this post..

    Like

  3. Pingback: The One About Sex That Should Have Been Freshly Pressed « She's a Maineiac

  4. mistyslaws says:

    Excellent!! I never read that one. So good! Definitely deserving of the great honor of being Freshly Pegged. Good job, Darla!

    Oh, and also . . . WORD to this entire thing.

    Like

  5. Omigosh Pego! I LOVE the new button! It will be coveted! And I’m with you on Greatsby. He is not into community building. I never go over there anymore either because he is a poopie head. But Darla on the other hand. Darla is a SUPERSTAR. This post is fabulous, and it’s even funnier this time. But then, she has soooooo many funny ones. Awesome, Dar. I hope you are wearing your plaid pants right now.

    PS: I sent Madge to you. She lives here in Rochester, and you might want to check out her stuff. 😉

    Like

    • Superstar? Me? oh, go on! I am wearing my workout clothes right now. They aren’t plaid. Or fleece. But damn, that would be a great idea, I smell a new clothing line….Thanks for the love, Renee. I am loving hanging out here at Peg’s, everyone is so warm and friendly. And besides, it’s helping me avoid exercising!

      Hellooooo, Madge! I will check out your stuff soon as all the Freshly Pegged excitement dies down.

      Like

      • Oops! I just realized you meant your last paragraph for PEG. My bad.

        Like

        • pegoleg says:

          It’s meant for both of us, Darla Llama. I love how comfortable you feel hanging out at my place.

          Just wondered, old buddy, was that you who finished off the chocolate chips I had in the back of the pantry? I was reserving them for a late-night snack emergency…like last night. And if you could just remember to put the cap back on the toothpaste when you’re done, I have a bit of a thing about that. It’s not you – it’s me.

          But we’re good. It’s all good. Loooo-o-o-ve having you here.

          Like

          • Thank god. Then you won’t mind that the gin in the bottles in your liquor cabinet seem to have been refilled with tap water.

            Y’know, your place sure IS super cozy though. Mind if I just crash here on your couch the rest of the week? I’ll be sure to have my housekeeper stop by and pick up the dirty socks and the trail of Reese PB Easter Egg wrappers next week.

            Like

            • pegoleg says:

              Ha! Feel free to take all the gin. Nasty stuff- tastes like Christmas trees.

              I had two PB Easter Eggs just last night. The sweets cravings are taking over…MAKE IT STOP!

              Like

              • I had one yesterday. It was supposed to be for my daughter. See? this is what’s become of me! It’s so tragic!

                By the by, I just put your cute little badge up and it’s currently side by side my Freshly Pegged post, so I have TWO Peg’s up on my blog, I’m seeing double. We could all use double the dose of Peg in our lives…

                Like

  6. Peg, I’d like to say a big thank you for giving me the chance to let others know about all my embarrassing sex stories. I made sure not to tell Jim I was guesting over here today. He’ll figure it out once it’s the top story on Entertainment Tonight.

    By the way, I was late getting my post up this morning for two reasons: my mom called at exactly 8:30 am (Jeezum crow!) AND I had so many typos in my post. The most glaring one? I had written Freshly Pregged. Twice.

    Like

  7. Jeeze the library at my university was just a prequel to going to the pub–be there or be square–it was a hotbed I tell ya, a real hotbed.
    This was an excellent, funny and at times hilarious post–so many times I saw me here.

    Like

  8. susielindau says:

    This is hilarious! I don’t know how they choose them, but this should have been Pressed. But hey, you got Freshly Pegged! Woohoo! This is so funny. I remember being just like you. I had a friend who was waaaaay ahead of me and she would suggest things to do with my high school boyfriend. Let’s just say, he was probably more than a little frustrated!
    I remember all of these stages too. Now we are in the empty nest stage and it feels like the years before kids all over again, except we aren’t breaking any records…

    Like

    • I think the very definition of being a teen in high school is constant frustration and disappointment. Good times. And I look forward to the empty nest years, as much as I love my kids, I’d also like to at least manage to have a single conversation without being interrupted, let alone sex.

      Like

  9. I think a lot of high schoolers would feel so comforted to know the simple truth: Everyone is lying. Everyone is lying to keep up with the other lies. There’d be so much less pressure and stress if they knew there’s not actually that much Animal House level drinking and athletic sex going on.

    Oh, and a post-baby lull? I don’t know what you’re talking about. No idea. Clueless. I’m offended you’d think otherwise. Because that’s insane. I’m going to go running again.

    Like

    • Yeah! Damn straight! everyone is lying. Love that. Makes me feel better. Still pretty pathetic. But better.

      Post-baby lull? You? Never! (psst….it’s doesn’t last long…soon you’ll be heading into the pre-terrible-twos/ohmygod-the-baby-can-get-out-of-bed-and-unlock-our-bedroom-door phase.

      Like

    • I wish I could convey that truth to my HS students, alternative, thank you very much. Problem is, I fear they really DO drink and smoke as much as they say. Very sad.
      This post? Very fun!!! 🙂

      Like

  10. The Cutter says:

    This is very accurate. When my daughter had a fairly set nap schedule it was easier. Now, she doesn’t always nap, and even more dangerous, she can open doors.

    Like

  11. This is fabulous! Peg, I honestly believe that being Freshly Pegged is something every blogger should strive for. Darla, stay out of my brain . . . or um. . . thanks for writing what I think. This post should have been Freshly Pressed.

    Like

  12. Elyse says:

    It shouldda been Pressed. But you got the ultimate honor — being Freshly Pegged!

    I remember this post. Don’t remember much about sex though …

    Like

  13. When I was in college there was a bar /club named The Library. That way you could say, “Yea Mom, I spent all weekend at The Library” and you weren’t lying.
    Come to think of it though, I never met anyone there either. I might as well have been at the real library. At least my grades would have been better.

    PS – I have now reordered by Bucket List.
    1. Be Freshly Pegged.
    2. Climb Mt Everest.

    Like

  14. Dear God I’m glad I can never be freshly pregged again. But this freshly pegged thing sounds awesome! I love this post. The after baby sex thing is so true – I also have two four years apart. We’d almost rediscovered regular sleep and so we add another one. Smart! Also baby 2 decided to nap . . . NEVER. Yay!

    Like

    • haha! Your comment cracks me UP. Mostly, because I’m trying to cover up my weeping. It’s so true. Soooooo sad and true. yeah, the second you start getting solid sleep AND sex, hey, let’s add another hellion to the mix! Way to guarantee you’ll not get either again for a few more years.

      Like

  15. I remember this one. 🙂 It was and still is awesome and so worthy of being FP!
    Loving the Freshly Pegged badge. 😉

    Like

  16. I could never figure out how WordPress decides what to FP. Some it’s easy to see, but I’ve seen posts that are the blogger’s very first one get FP’d. Then I heard they like a lot of images, but those images have to be original or acredited, yet I see some FP’d posts with watermarks (!!) on them. I see some with spelling errors, and I see lots that aren’t remotely interesting. So I personally think, being Freshly Pegged is a better deal! This is a great post, love that photo!

    Like

  17. I love this series because I get to read fabulous posts that Peg picks for us. Thanks! You are my new most favorite harvester of best blog posts–forget the WP Overlords! 🙂

    Like

  18. Pleun says:

    Love this blog, it was from before I even knew of your existence and boy, did I miss out! I think Freshly Pegged is an awesome idea and I will definitely follow this. Keep ‘m coming 🙂

    Like

  19. rachelocal says:

    This is awesome. Like a sex timeline – from it’s gross to it’s fun to it’s tedious to it’s tiring. Hopefully it’s not cyclical and goes back to being gross at some point.

    Love the Freshly Pegged logo! And I’m so enjoying this feature, Peg!

    Like

  20. It was fabulous when you first wrote it, and still is. I can relate in a lot of ways, including having to time sex (I used those ovulation prediction sticks you pee on). I knew the exact afternoon that our son was conceived because of it. Had to wake hubby a little early one afternoon, as he was working a string of night shifts, with a “Do you mind if we do the tango? My body says it’s time, and I’m not getting any younger.” Zip, boom, bam- shazam!

    When it came down to the day the doc had to take our son out of me early, I remember someone questioning his gestation. I firmly told them that I knew the exact day he was conceived, so there was no question that at five minutes past midnight (when he was delivered), he was five minutes into officially being a 33 weeker. (I don’t know why it was so important for me that they not refer to him as a 32 weeker).

    Congrats on being Freshly Pegged!!

    Like

    • Oh god, how could I forget those sexy ovulation sticks! ….isn’t it…romantic…..?
      And I think “zip-boom-bam-Shazam!” is the single best description about sex I’ve ever read, Sue.

      I laughed that you knew the exact day your son was conceived. I did too. I had arguments with my OB about it. He’d say, um…your daughter is due December 1st. And I’d interrupt with “Nope, it’s December 3rd, sorry pal. I WAS THERE. I KNOW THIS.”

      Like

  21. Audrey says:

    Hilarious! Definitely should have been Freshly Pressed. So glad that one was resurrected for us all to read!

    Like

  22. bringmemycoffee says:

    Love Freshly Pegged- and it sounds even more “R” than Freshly Pressed to me! Love the FP badge too. I’m new to Peg-o-Leg (that’s Irish, right?). Shocking, I know. I tried reading the F-pressed posts, but a lot of them (Peg excluded, of course) just didn’t grab me. If it’s not inappropriate, it’s probably not funny(AND it should be if it’s FP). I don’t really want to see photos from someone else’s fabulous trip to Bermuda either. Unless you took them in jail; then I want the details. And, I want to be your travel buddy.
    Love Darla! I’ve been stalking you since-hmmm I guess maybe a year ago(?). Yours was one of the first blogs I stumbled onto- and one that spurred my pen. Okay- keyboard, whatever. I’m only blogging less than a year- and the last 3 months (OMFG!!! It’s been that long) I’ve written very little. I did manage to hook up with Grumpy- and he says sex happens less than writing around here! Maybe I’ll write a F-Peg worthy post next. After a nap. 😉

    Like

    • I do believe Peg’s Irish. If not, I sure am. Got all my green clothes ready for the big day this weekend. Nothing on the FP page could ever beat one of Peg’s posts. She could be FP for every single one (and almost has been).

      Thank you for stalking me (never thought I’d ever say that to someone…) Keep on writing! it’s the only thing to do when you’re too tired to have sex.

      Like

      • pegoleg says:

        I am half Irish and half mongrel. I plan to be celebrating in true, Irish fashion this weekend: Drunk, singing, & eating boiled foods while watching the parade, crying and vowing to change a few hours later.

        Like

  23. Brilliant: this post and your choice to feature it. (and love the constantly transforming header! Well done)

    Like

  24. A blog about sex is Freshly Pegged. Am I the only pervert who sees the humor in that?

    Like

  25. momshieb says:

    WHY was this not freshly pressed? Why?
    So funny, and so true!

    Like

  26. miznattie says:

    Well, hell. I just signed up on WordPress to post my thoughts and tell stories. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as “Freshly Pressed.” Now my competitive juices are really flowing. Competitive blogging…what an interesting concept! Thanks for enlightening me, Peg!

    Like

  27. amelie88 says:

    I’m so glad you started this Freshly Pegged series. I used to go on FP all the time, but not so much anymore because it seems that the same kind of posts get Freshly Pressed. Wouldn’t it be a riot if one of your Freshly Pegged posts got Freshly Pressed?

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s what I was thinking. Hey, WordPress, I’m doing all the legwork for you here – all you have to do is stop by and pick one of these posts every day!

      Like

  28. Dana says:

    I am LOVING that Freshly Pegged badge! It’s truly a work of genius.
    I remember reading this post the first time around and guffawing. A definite classic worthy of a FP (both of them).

    Like

  29. So funny, Darla! Freshly Pegged is an awesome idea. I’m definitely not going to be able to have sex for awhile, because my sex time is going to be traded to start going through your archives. I’ve definitely missed some funny stuff. 😉

    Like

  30. Nothing like being stressed over ovulation, temperature, ’tilting’, etc. to create a peaceful, baby-growing environment. Ugh. Love the post – congrats on being Pegged. =)

    Like

  31. Congrats of being Freshly Pegged! Clearly Peg has much, much, better taste. I was crying at the thought of the maxi-pad being passed around…dear god! I went to Catholic school so we learned in the true Catholic fashion of secrecy. The girls were taken to a secret location where we watched some insane outdated film and were handed “equipment” for when womanhood arrived and the boys sat in the classroom wondering “what the hell is going on?”

    Like

  32. Hahaha… the whole pirate / treasure map connection makes perfect sense to me…
    AND peg-legs (the pirate ones, not the kind / clever blogger one) seem kinda spin the bottle-ish in design, too, so…
    Yeah. I have no idea where I was going with this. I really wanted an excuse to start talking like a pirate, but it’s not exactly coming together.
    Darrrrrrrrrn.

    Like

  33. Sandy Sue says:

    Another gem!
    Sigh. I remember sex… sort of. It’s been so long, I only remember the good stuff. Or maybe I’m just fantasizing about the good stuff that never happened. Either way, I’m glad *someone* is getting some—semi-conscious or not.

    Like

  34. Freshly Pegged, I think this might be even better than Pressed. At least we know there is quality; gad this was funny both times I read it!

    Well deserved, of both honors but since WP failed to recognize thankfully our Peg was here to save the day. Love the Badge, stunning!

    Like

  35. bronxboy55 says:

    Kissing tag? When was this? Now I realize I was even more lost than I thought. People used to come up to me in junior high — and well into high school — and tell me dirty jokes, just to see the blank look on my face. When I finally did figure it out, I had the same reaction you did: “…why would anyone purposefully want to do that?” Exactly.

    At least you’re catching up on all that sleep you lost when the kids were younger, right?

    Like

    • High school? You? Blank looks on your face? See, you get me, Charles, you really do. I still have a blank look on my face even now. You’d think after 42 years I’d be a bit more sophisticated.

      And yes, I am catching up on all that sleep! you always make me feel better.

      Like

      • pegoleg says:

        I’m another clueless innocent. Sometimes I listen to songsss from my teen years – really listen, and think “dear God, is THAT what they were saying?” I never caught the dirty bits.

        Like

  36. Hilarious and worthy of being Freshly Pressed, but I’m thinking that Freshly Pegged is just as good 🙂

    Like

  37. Subtlekate says:

    No, never. I don’t think about it until I come across all the FP posts. 🙂 but now I want to be pegged.

    Like

  38. Ah-ha! A glimpse into my future. Thanks for the heads up!

    When I read the beginning of the post it made me remember when I first got my period. I couldn’t wait to go through menopause so I would stop being so crampy.

    Like

  39. Amethyst says:

    Can’t breathe – laughing too hard! Loved this!

    Like

  40. gardenlilie says:

    You got it! Great story-life in a nutshell!

    Like

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