I convened a distinguished panel of judges over the weekend (being two of my sisters) for the grueling process of selecting the five finalists. Thank you to Mary Kay and Terry for their invaluable help.
We poured our heart and souls into the process (as well as many adult beverages and some pancake syrup, judging from the stains on the printouts) and it was not easy. We practically came to blows as each sibling championed her favorite. We were finally able to narrow it down to five without causing any permanent rifts in the family.
Please read and vote for your favorite.
Tired of taking tests or winning trivia games to prove your intelligence? Now you can show everyone how smart you are without saying a word! Introducing Light Bright. Light Bright’s smart design works instantly to show everyone around you that you’re the brightest bulb in the set. Just pop on the headphones and *think the answers to the MENSA level questions you’ll hear. From your first correct thought, Light Bright glows to show your synapses are firing! Great for parties… fantastic for family gatherings… hours of smugness on major holidays! It’s simple. You’re not! Light Bright. Now available at finer retailers and online merchandisers nationwide. Light Bright. Intelligence is a turn-on!
Oh no! Your car broke down on the corner of Not Lookin’ So Safe Street. And you forgot your cell phone! What’s a girl to do? Put on your CrazyTownGloBoots. Just flip the tiny unobtrusive switch to activate the whirling lights. Put the headphones over your ears, and you’ll be gently instructed on how to get out of that mess! Learn handy phrases to repeat:
What the hell is wrong with eating toothpaste ?
Why do I smell like urine?
When will my spaceship come?
Are you my donkey?
You’ll also be instructed on how to act insane.
Itch your armpits excessively.
Scratch your hair.
Stop walking and turn around sharply to see people and things that aren’t there.
Swear and mumble.
Combine these actions with the dialogue and you’ve got it. Because everyone knows: No one will bother you if you are acting all crazy. But they’ll really stay away if you are acting all crazy in your CrazyTownGloBoots (Patent pending. Do not wear in water.)
Feeling hopeless about the future? Has climate change got you down? Are the kids on the local playground making more sense to you than any of those boneheaded politicians? Are you tired of thinking for yourself? Or forming opinions?
Have no fear: NoMo’Me is here! It’s time to give that ol’ noggin of yours a much-needed vacation! That’s right, just connect NoMo’Me’s handy-dandy plug straight into your hippocampus and soon enough you’ll never have to form an original thought again!
Here is a sampling of what NoMo’Me can do for your mind:
[man speaking in a robotic voice]
I love the Kardashan’s. They are awesomesauce.
I don’t care about the future of our healthcare.
The planet is actually cooling down not heating up.
This Big Mac is good for me.
See? For just 99.95 plus S/H your mind will be on permanent vacation! No more stress! No more worries! No more ‘you’! Let other do the thinking for you! Order now!
Well obviously this it the newest offering from Apple . . . the iEnlightener.
Have you been sitting in front of your iPad or iMac all day?
Have your thoughts and vision become fuzzy from staring at that screen for hours on end?
Have you run out of witty and brilliant things to say on all of those thousands of blogs you peruse daily?
Well, you need an iEnlightener!
It will connect your brain to millions of micro-neurotransmitters that will refresh and brighten your noggin, and fill it with new and interesting notions, which you will then translate to the most wonderfully poignant/hilarious/conversation starting content on the entire internet.
The patented* technology shoots both sunbeams AND moonbeams straight from this machine, directly through your aural cavities and into your brain. It refreshens and lightens those tired and worn down cliched thoughts that have settled there. It will immediately remove all forms of communication involving such phrases as: “Good one!” “Hahahahaha” “Nice post” and the always dreaded “follow my blog at ____________.” Instead, you will be able to form the most spectacular of all sentiments, immediately making all others who read your words either fall madly and deeply in love with you or click over to your blog and follow you for the rest of your days of blogging . . . or both!
With this kind of one of a kind technology, you might think this item would sell for thousands of dollars . . . well you’d be right!! But what kind of price tag can you put on this type of service? Your life will be empty without it. You NEED to have one of these wonderful machines at your service. Don’t be the last one to be iEnlightened!! Get yours now.
Research has shown that men think about sex six times a minute. Now with the De-Lust-inator, you can tame that wild man’s wild thoughts. Just place the headphone like device on your man’s head (yes, the one above his shoulders) and the wireless electronic “actuator” just a tad bit lower…and before you know it the De-Lust-inator starts working. Each time Hot Stuff thinks about “doing the deed” a light illuminates on the headset and each additional thought sends impulses to the console. Within seconds, Big Willie is no longer thinking about Little Willy but instead is balancing the checkbook, detailing your vehicle, and trimming the hedges. For the low, low price of four easy payments of just 49.99, you can have the freedom to shower, exercise, bend over to tie your shoe, sit down, stand up, turn around or just stand in the kitchen without unconsciously turning him on.
But wait. If you call in the next 30 minutes we’ll include the “Un-Sports-inator” pack. Drop this software in and then strap that baby on his bulbous cranium on a fall Saturday or Sunday and the man will refuse to watch football, golf, baseball, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, soccer, tennis, horse racing, Indy car time trials, bowling or earthworm races. Instead he’ll clean the garage then offer to drive you to the mall and hold your purse while you shop. Just pay separate handling charges.
But we’re not done yet…for just and additional 49.99 plus S & H, we’ll throw in the A-nor-exinator package. Slip this software in and the man will lose all interest in food. When offered a steak and egg breakfast, he’ decline – opting for a disgusting green juice concoction which he will prepare himself and clean up after. Pizza, corn nuts, Cheetos, hot wings and chips will go to waste as he nibbles celery sticks and baby carrots.
If not completely satisfied you may return your husband for a full refund.
Please vote early (and often) until Sunday, Aug 5 at 12 (noon) Central time.