I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up!

Andrew Wyeth’s Christina looks like she never ate a Blizzard in her life.

I snigger at those Life Alert commercials.   It’s sad when old ladies fall down for realz, but the actresses they use in the ads are so horrible they’re funny.  They must hire the producer’s grandmothers.  They stretch out on the bathroom floor and ham it up with all the subtlety of the ingénue confronting Lon Chaney in a silent horror film.

They’re usually fully dressed in a nice outfit, hair perfectly coiffed, makeup applied just so, manicured and wearing their pearls.  Is this a typical day for granny, just hanging around the house ready to go to the opera?

I digress.  The thing is, I’m living those commercials.

I’ve fallen…off my diet.   And I can’t get up.

Those who have been following this blog for a while have shared the hope, the despair, the highs and lows of the family weight-loss challenge that began last year.  (For the whole, sordid story, check out the category Biggest Loser: Family Edition in the right hand column. ) You experienced (almost first hand) my moment of triumph at finishing the challenge with 63 pounds lost.  Now you can share my rude awakening as we dial it back to 58 pounds lost.

If I’m a shining beacon of weight-loss hope for some of y’all, I apologize for what I’m going to say here, but we have to keep it real.

Ever since I reached my goal, I’ve been struggling.  I keep gaining and losing the same 5 pounds.

For a while there – whole months, in fact – I was in the zone.  Healthy eating was easy.  It was the only choice.  What else would a thinking person do?   I thought I was in the end zone.  I had spiked the diet football and stopped the clock.  Apparently not.

I seem to be in the danger zone instead.  The Ho-Hos, Ben & Jerry’s and Good & Plentys, all of which lay dormant for so long, have found their voices again.  They sing their unrelenting siren songs to me and I answer.  Damn how I answer.

I weigh myself every morning, right after I wake up.  I know, I know.  Shut up.  I weigh in right after I use the bathroom (natch), but before I brush my teeth.  Just in case I accidentally swallow some toothpaste calories.  Don’t judge me.  I strip down to my undies, pull out the scale, say “the truth shall set you free” and step lightly aboard.  I really do say that every time, although I don’t say it out loud.  I’m a little eccentric; maybe a little OCD, but I’m not nuts.

You’re still judging – I see you over there, judging!

My friendly foe, the bathroom scale, has revealed upward swings even higher than the much-lamented 5 pounds.  I suspect I may have hit 10 pounds, but I refused to weigh myself for a few days last week until I got my eating back under control a little.  So the official toll was 8-1/2 pounds regained.  Now I’m back down to 5 up.  If that makes sense.

The best time in the entire last year for me was ’round about March.  There was a period when I was strutting around, looking good in my size 10 jeans and high heels, and not being on a diet.  It’s every Faticia McFatty’s fantasy – to look hot AND be able to eat and drink whatever the hell you want.

That lasted about 1 week.  Then the “whatever the hell you want” meal plan had the predictable “hell no, these jeans are tight!” results.

If only I was addicted to crack-cocaine or something else easier to kick.  Ha ha!  Just kidding.  Of course I’m kidding.  But not really.

You can quit smoking.  You can quit drinking.  You can quit drugs.  It’s not easy – I KNOW it’s not easy.  Please believe me, I’m not downplaying the struggle nor in any way dissing those who wrestle with it.  I am full of admiration for those who master these powerful addictions.  The thing is, you CAN quit.  You can go cold turkey and never smoke, drink or shoot-up again.

Peggles wobble but they don’t fall down.
I hope.

You can’t quit food.

Every hour, every meal, every day…
Every lunch or dinner out with friends…
Every stroll down the aisle at the grocery store…
Every night, staring at the contents of the pantry and fridge with the munchies riding hard…
Every stinking time you put something in your mouth for the rest of your life…

you have to make a choice.

The quinoa or the Dairy Queen Cappuccino Heath Blizzard.  What’s it gonna be, Peg?

I am resolved to make the right choices.  That resolution is shaky; as wobbly as a whole Weebleville full of wobbly, but I am resolved.

It’s just really depressing.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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82 Responses to I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up!

  1. bigsheepcommunications says:

    Been there and it’s a big fat lie that after 6 weeks, you can replace old (bad) habits with new (good) habits. Be nice to yourself – even if you gain some weight back, you’ve still improved your health by leaps and bounds.

    Like

  2. Janu says:

    I feel your pain sista! I am good at losing, great at gaining….maintaining…..not so much:( I am up about 12# since early February. Damn sugar. It started inching back into my life and next thing you know I am having a French Silk Pie Blizzard (medium 900 cals) everyday, and King sized m&m’s from gas stations and hotel vending machines. We are both sugar addicts, Peg. For us, there is no such thing as “just a bite” of cheesecake.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      You’re so right, Jane. Normal people can buy a bag of cookies and eat 1 per day. Sugar addicts can’t have it in the house. I think that’s the lesson I have been unable to learn my entire life, and something most people just don’t understand. We really CAN’T just have 1 piece to satisfy the craving, because 1 ALWAYS leads to 2, leads to 3, leads to sugar coma.

      Like

  3. Ask me to write about this forever. I dare you. I can do it. So, recent research is showing that weight is pretty much chemical (that doesn’t include the folks who rent a room at the Golden Corral). We all have set points for weight. And will power is meaningless. Your body will override will power virtually every time. That’s why the attrition rate of dieters is 97%. People who say to use will power don’t know what hunger is. I know people like that. I hate those people. I think about food 24/7. Seriously. I could live on ice cream and chocolate. Happily. I’m not overweight (well, maybe 5-10 lbs, but that’s it). I have friends like me. We all go through the same thing. The only thing that ever works for me is to know ahead of time what I can eat each day. Because left up to me, I would run to 7-11. So I eliminate choices. I have a list of foods that I can eat and that’s it. And when I go off the rails, I even cut back on that until the weight is back to the same 5 lb over what I want to be. That, I can live with.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      But that is where the willpower comes in, Renee. You know what you can and can’t eat and you limit yourself to that. Good for you! I think that’s what we have to do.

      The 97% attrition rate is horribly depressing. That makes me want chocolate to cheer myself up.

      Like

  4. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I hold your hand in sympathy and support, dear girl. I’ve had these 10 pounds to lose forever. I keep talking about them. I’m sick of talking about them. I think the answer truly is that you have to change your relationship with food and stop thinking that sweets and salty snacks are a friend to visit often. Because, damn – the amount of calories in them is almost always huge. Unless you strictly count calories so that you can balance these digressions out, it’s best just to avoid them almost all the time. I’ve stopped going to my favorite coffee shops because the pastries were such an enticement, but I have found my willpower again and so I AM going to lose this weight.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      You’re so right! It reminds me of a line from a prayer “avoid the near occasion of sin”. When I quit smoking 20 years ago, I had to give up coffee for 6 months. I couldn’t have one without the other so I avoided the temptation. Good for you on the resolve – go, go, go!

      Like

  5. k8edid says:

    I love this post – mostly because you used the words snigger, ingénue, coiffed, quinoa, and Weebleville (and I am awestruck by your mad Paint skillz – I study at the red-heeled feet of the Master).

    But more because I understand your struggle. Sometimes, when I am facing down a hot fudge brownie sundae I tell myself that only one of us has a brain, only one of us has any power over the choice; only one of us can do the “right thing”. And sometimes, just like in an election year, the one without a brain wins…

    Like

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    Peg, I am nearing a point of change. I hope. All kidding aside, I am addicted to Ben & Jerry’s. My weight has creeped up slowly over the course of several months. As I type I feel myself get nervous with my reality. Yeah, your post made me chuckle, but mostly I was nodding and thinking I need to get my stuff together, and I’m scared.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      It seems to be a lifelong struggle for a lot of people – the curse of affluent, modern life. Our bodies are designed for surviving hunger and we rarely encounter it anymore.

      Like

      • k8edid says:

        I am telling you – I am set for the next 10 famines.

        Like

        • Lenore Diane says:

          Me, too, K8.
          Modern life certainly makes eating easier, though poverty within the US still leaves many obese. It is the food we eat – the quantity we eat – and our lack of movement. For me, food is literally like a drug. I rarely drink, and I don’t smoke – but when I am stressed, I will reach for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. It is my crutch just like a cigarette, beer, wine, or pill. And it is an expensive dang crutch.

          Like

        • pegoleg says:

          That’s so ironic. It used to be that a sign of a man’s wealth and prosperity was if he and his family could afford enough food to be fat. Now it’s the opposite.

          Like

  7. Tori Nelson says:

    “They sing their unrelenting siren songs to me and I answer. Damn how I answer.” I’m convinced the Pizza Hut delivery dude is just bringing pizzas to my doorstep without so much as waiting for a call to be placed. I lost about 50 pounds last year. At the time I had a whole mess of things to keep me focused: a wedding, the first 5K, the idea that I was larger than most NFL players. It was easier then to say no to the bad, bad, awful bad things I’d been eating before. Then I suddenly liked how I looked and some weird part of me felt like I needed to celebrate… with mixing bowl portions of ice cream! And soda! And Big Macs! I hit my wall last week. After the wedding and a move I realized I felt gross. It’s Healthy 2.0 kicking off this week. I might be successful for one whole hour before I eat something foolish, but bygod, I’m gonna try!

    Like

  8. lexiesnana says:

    Weight a minute,yup that’s me.My life is a turntable of choices.I have been battling the bulge for 30 years and realize I let my lifes emotions revolve around food.Good luck my friend and may the best food choice win.

    Like

  9. gojulesgo says:

    Oh, Peg, I feel like I wrote this post (except it wouldn’t have been half as good)! I’ve been stuck in the same place for MONTHS, wrestling with that same 5 lbs. (But want to lose about 35 more.) And I also weigh myself every day – I’ve found the only times in my life where I’ve kept myself in check was when I weighed myself daily. Otherwise it’s so easy to be that March woman in the soon-to-be-tight jeans, LOL

    You’re right that one of the hardest things about it is that you can’t ‘quit’ food, and I don’t think a lifelong ‘diet’ is realistic. If I feel deprived, I just wind up pigging out later, then I feel horrible, then eat more, etc.(I’m with Renee – I could talk about this forever.)

    Thanks for keeping it real, but don’t be too hard on yourself – you’re FABULOUS! 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      And you’ve done SO great so far. It’s just so depressinig when you hit that plateau, and it seems nothing you do will shake that next pound free. YOU’RE fabulous. Don’t get discouraged. Maybe your recently acquired cold-heroin addiction will have the added benefit of aiding in weight loss?

      Like

  10. You sure know how to turn a battle we all have with Enemy # 1 into something funny. Maybe if food became Friend #1 (the low cal foods, that is) so we wouldn’t feel like we were in prison when we were eating well, then all these struggles (like the pounds) would melt away. Then again, maybe not…humans are not rational, regardless of what some economists and philosophers postulate!

    Like

  11. Al says:

    I believe this is called yo-yo dieting but in truth, if you spent the entire day playing with a yo-yo (think “cat in the cradle and walking the dog”) you’d never gain weight.

    I leave you with this thought: “If you eat a doughnut in the forest and no one sees you, does it still have calories?”

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      No. Every McFatty knows the answer to that question, Al. Just like there are no calories in broken donuts, because the breaking process releases them, and no calories in donuts eaten standing in front of the fridge, or if you cut off and eat 1 inch of the donut at a time….these are all firm food rules that we live by. And those who live by the nonsensical donut rule, shall die by the nonsensical donut rule.

      Like

  12. Roly says:

    Trying to change a bad habit is frikkin hard work. I have kicked smoking and drinking but eating is a different story. Exercising is even worse 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I’ve never quit drinking so I can’t speak to that, but quitting a 2-pack a day smoking habit was a day in the park compared to eating. And I actually gained back 30 pounds while exercising faithfully at one point in my life. It’s not a magic pill; we still have to stop putting stuff in our mouths. Sigh.

      Like

  13. Luanne says:

    Peg, I’m fighting the same battle. 50 lbs down, and then, all of a sudden, I’m struggling again. Unfortunately, when the stress kicks in, so do the sugar cravings. It’s a tough battle, but all of us fighting it will win eventually, (At least that’s what I keep telling myself as I munch on the donut, lol)

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Maybe there’s something about the 50 pound mark. Those fat cells start feeling lonely and unloved and they start fighting back. We WILL win – keep up the good fight, that’s tremendous!

      Like

  14. Carla says:

    I like this post a lot. Sure speaks to a “butt load” of us. You use your humor in great ways to encourage even though you may feel discouraged. Hang in there! My weakness is pasta…oh, my is it pasta!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      My hubby is the pasta lover in the family; with me it’s sweets. The trouble is, we each tend to bring in the foods we love and then we eat both! I guess pasta can be part of a healthy diet, but only if you eat whole-wheat, 1/2 cup, only with a red sauce. Fooey!

      Like

      • Carla says:

        Fooey is right. 🙂 My hubby has a mouth full of sweet teeth. We just try to remember our best diet advice to ourselves is “put the fork down”. Do we always listen to it? Nope. lol

        Like

  15. Coming East says:

    I feel for you, Peg. My husband and I have been on the Paleo diet for over a month now. I’ve lost four pounds, he’s lost ten. We do a great job during the week of sticking with it, but come the weekends…gotta have that jelly donut at Dumkin’ Donuts on Saturday morning and the ice cream come at DQ on Sunday night.

    Like

  16. Nodded along as I read.Your body was used to being 63 pounds heavier – it’s going to be a fight to get it used to being where it is. Hang on…. you can do it. (And TOTALLY skip weighing yourself when you know you’re up a few, until you give yourself a chance to knock it down a…Peg. Better for your confidence.)

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I read somewhere that when we gain weight, we add fat cells. When we lose weight, the cells just empty out but still stick around, waiting to be refilled. It doesn’t seem sporting for my own body to be sabotaging me this way.

      Like

  17. BillThePraiseAndWorshipGuy says:

    You’re telling me…. I barely made it down the chimney last Christmas! Damned cookies…

    Signed, Santa

    Like

  18. Sandy Sue says:

    I’m right there with you, sister. First of all, good for you for confessing. Secrecy just let’s us travel down that ol’ river of de-Nile. In truth, you know what you need to do. Refocus. Put this back on top of your priority list. Haul out the heavy artillery. As my friend, Bruce so eloquently says, “Yippee Kai-Aay, Muther******!”

    Like

  19. Mary Kay says:

    Oh Peg, I feel your pain. I’m very proud of all you have done in the weight battle. Hang in there, pretty soon it will be shorts and tank top time and you’ll rein yourself in, no choice. Love ya.

    Like

  20. Tar-Buns says:

    At the rate I’m going, I may need to call Omar for summer clothing…You are still ahead of the game and you will keep yourself in a reasonable fluctuation spread. You can do it!

    Like

  21. God, you’ve struck a nerve with this one! I just posted about weight on my blog today. I know I shouldn’t care what the scale says, yet I do, dammit I do.

    I lost quite a bit of weight before I got pregnant with my son. I was close to 180 pounds before kids. So I get what you’re saying. It took years and years to finally whittle some off and get to a comfy body weight. But now that I’m in my 40s, I feel like I have to constantly exercise and watch what I eat just to MAINTAIN my weight. And I sometimes, I just don’t wanna do it.

    I do go up and down about 5 pounds all the time. When they weighed me at the doctor’s recently I really did want to scream. I try to trick myself with the cravings though and it’s working. I’ll have chocolate soy milk instead of ice cream. Or a few pieces of dark chocolate instead of cake. And I do portion control and execise nearly every day. I have to find something I will stick to for the rest of my life though and not feel so deprived. So I allow myself splurging on weekends. So far it’s working but I do feel your frustration, Peg!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Five pounds seems like nothing to me after all my life in various stages of fat. But I guess that’s how normal people don’t get fat; they stop and look both ways before crossing Binge Street when they hit the 5 pound mark. I’m still learning this stuff.

      Dalinski, I’ve missed two, count ’em TWO of your fab posts. Why, oh why, is Facebook not letting me know about such awesomeness as today’s awesome post on being ok with ourselves?

      Like

      • I am writing a plea to the WordPress Reader post right now for tomorrow. Not that it will change a thing, but it’s more for the sh*ts and giggles. I didn’t get your post either today!

        Like

  22. Worrywart says:

    I’m asking myself what would I need to hear if I were you? Here’s what I came up with. What do you want for yourself? What do you need to do to get it? Now do it.
    In my case that means focusing on crushing.this. goal everyday.
    I know, I KNOW I am preaching to the choir, but this post seems like a cry for help and someone has to slap you silly (yet lightly so it doesn’t hurt that much and you don’t wobble all the way over and have to use your Life Alert), and say STOP IT Peg, eating whatever the hell you want is not worth the hell you’ll go through AGAIN to get where you are now.
    Just sayin’. 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      You’re so right. I know you struggle with this too. It’s almost as if I go into a fog- some sort of binge-trance. I can hear the little voice saying “You don’t want it THAT badly. Not bad enough to undo all your hard work.” And I turn my deaf ear to that voice and get into a sugar high.

      Thanks for the friendly b**tch-slap!

      Like

  23. Keep fighting Peg, and don’t get too down on yourself. Overall, you’re still down 58 pounds yes? I know how hard this is, but you CAN do it!! Hang tight, hang tough and hang strong!!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      59, El. Back down to 4 up. This is pathetic. But thanks for the support. You, as a runner, are a real inspiration to me. I’m up to 3 minutes at a time running during my treadmill walking workout and even that little bit gets me worn out. I don’t know how you do it!

      Like

  24. I absolutely sympathize. It took me years of off-and-on diets and exercise programs to finally get in the zone and I lost 25 pounds in 6 months. I kept it off for about a year but gained a few back and then gained another 5 when I hurt my back and was immobile for a month. After the excitement of reaching the initial big goal, it’s pretty hard to find that motivation to keep it off.

    Like

  25. Dana says:

    Story of my life, Peg! I go through six month swings with my weight– adding on pound after pound during the summer months and then whittling everything back down (sort of) during the winter months. “Beach season” means nothing to me– I should really live in the Southern Hemisphere!

    It’s depressing to go from feeling SO GREAT to not feeling awesome at all. It makes me wish that the FDA, etc. had declared sugar as a drug when it was first on the market. I’d do better at avoiding something regulated like that, mostly because I’m such a goody two shoes and hate doing “bad” things. I swear– my overly sensitive superego is the only thing keeping me away from drinking, smoking, and drugs. 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      You’re a beautiful, thin young woman and it’s fascinating that even people like you have to struggle with weight issues and images. But maybe by thinking about this, that’s how you manage to stay in shape.

      And I so agree about avoiding the illegal. Some people advocate legalizing drugs as a way to cut down on crime, regulate the safety of the supply and get tax revenue. I see that argument, but I also see the con. I think there are WAY more people who would end up trying drugs if they were legal – there are a good number of us in the Goody Two Shoes club.

      Like

      • Dana says:

        Yes, I forgot to add gambling to the list of Don’t Dos. I’m such a nerd!

        I think that body issues are very commonplace, no matter how young, thin, tall, rich, etc. somebody is. I mostly try to stay in shape to feel clean and strong physically, but it also doesn’t hurt to fit into the same clothes year round, instead of having two sets of clothes– one for the summer and one for the winter. 😉

        Like

  26. Peg-O:

    In the last 6 months, I think all my favorite bloggers have addressed the issue of weight or body image in some way, shape or Ho-Ho. I mean, form. My mother is obese. She has yo-yo’ed for as long as I’ve been alive. I’ve watched her become so frustrated and then quit. So I understand your struggle. I’m sorry, too, because it must be awful to be a slave to the scale that way. Darla from She’s A Maineiac just touched on this, too. So many of us love you for your clever wit, your writing style, the way you deliver a joke, or turn a phrase. I wish we could teach ourselves to focus on these things. Some of us are just nTurally a little more padded. LOVElove.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Thanks so much, Renee. Isn’t it funny, in a depressing way, how women are taught to hate their own bodies? Intellectually I’m thrilled that I am able to make this equipment do my bidding – for the most part. But instead of being satisfied, indeed, grateful for my health and strength, I see the negative. This is definitely a lifetime problem that I need to work on. Sigh.

      Like

      • I think I have to go back and try and find everyone. I think August McLaughlin posted something. And Darla did. And I did. And Julie C. Gardner did. I have an awesome video that would link all our stuff together. Can you think of others who have written about body image?

        Like

        • pegoleg says:

          I know Worrywart posts about her diet struggles, and Jules and Tori (Ramblings) have both been dieting pretty strongly the past year, but I can’t remember any specific posts from them. I can’t think of anybody else off the top of my head. A video link would be great!

          Like

  27. I have the opposite issue, Peg… beanpolery to the extreme.
    I look like some kind of rocket science test monkey who spent a bit too much time in a vacuum chamber or something.
    Some day, though… some day…

    Like

  28. Cathi's Meanderings says:

    I like Jay Leno’s “method”…he NEVER weighs himself. Stated on one his shows eons ago. If your clothes are tight, diet.

    Like

  29. pattisj says:

    The first two weeks of the South Beach Diet, where there is no sugar, the cravings for it go away. I’ve found the LoseIt! app, helps me remain focused by showing my recommended daily calorie allowance. I log all foods as they are consumed, and any exercise. When there are 400 calories left for dinner, it’s easier to say “no” to the munchies, because eating dinner is more satisfying than an unhealthy snack now.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Jeez o’pete, Patti, but that sounds like a heck of a lot of work! I guess the trick is to wear yourself out with all the counting and writing and logging that you don’t have the energy to put on a bra and make a run to the Dairy Queen!

      Like

  30. Elyse says:

    Sigh. Since I have now told the world that I have Crohn’s Disease, I will share some not-bathroom related truths. Years ago, they would stick me in the hospital and refuse to feed me anything but ice chips. And leave me with nothing to do but watch Charlie’s Angels and Love Boat on TV and watch commercials.

    Food is everywhere. You cannot watch TV, read a book, look at a blog, a newspaper a magazine without food in your face. It is a wonder we haven’t all collapsed the earth’s crust. We would if someone would put cheese and tomato sauce on it.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s a hell of an extreme diet, Elyse. You poor baby! My cousin has Crohn’s. All his teen years in and out of the hospital inspired him to be a doctor and he’s a great pediatrician today. I think the Crohn’s is pretty well under control now that he’s 50, but maybe it’s just that he doesn’t talk about it.

      Like

      • Elyse says:

        I rarely talk about it either — it gets tedious after a while. (Although I did post on Friday about World IBD Day) Good for your nephew that he became a doctor!

        As for the diet, yes it’s extreme. Then I would go out and eat everything in sight… Sigh…

        Like

  31. Angie Z. says:

    Oh, I’m sorry, Peg. I really am. I had a weird wacky eating time in my early 20s when I was depressed for a while and using food to get through it. I have good genes and I don’t struggle with my weight so I’ll just mostly shut up because I’ll be despicable otherwise. I just remember mentally calculating calories and eating cake over the trash can and then a bowl of Cheerios and then two bowls of Cheerios because I wanted to keep eating “something” and then being mad that I used all my calories on Cheerios for crying out loud.

    I don’t know what changed, I think my hormones were a little out of control then as I don’t experience that now — but it was such a crummy, crummy feeling to have, to be focusing all my mental energy on what I put into my body.

    Sorry 😦

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Don’t feel bad, Angie. I’ve got it relatively easy in life, and should be ashamed of myself for even complaining. I just thought that others would like to know that they are not alone with this struggle. And also, I really like to complain.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that we all struggle with shiz – it’s just different shiz for each person. I don’t think there is anyone who gets out of this business (of life) unscathed. It’s part of the human condition.

      Pretty darn philosophical for a Wednesday morning, hmmm?

      Like

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