Back away. Back. Away. Now.
I’ve got a sharpened #2 Ticonderoga pointed at my jugular, and I’m not afraid to use it.
The floor is littered with broken pencils, crumpled 8863s and great tufts of naturally blond hair, pulled out by the roots. The air reeks of stale coffee and desperation.
I’ll never get my taxes done.
First I have to do federal for daughter #1, daughter #2 and me (with hubby). I’ve got to figure it first with daughter #1 as a dependent, then again with her on her own. Do state of Illinois for daughter #2, then for me. Do state of Iowa for daughter #1. Looks like I owe this year, so now I’ve got estimated taxes. Calculate 1st qrtr 2012 federal then the same for state.
Then pay everyone money. Lots and lots of money.
I’m an intelligent woman. I took both tax and cost accounting in college, for God’s sake! But I can’t do it. I CAN’T DO IT!
These are the actual instructions for a worksheet from the 1040 tax book. No, don’t look away, you coward. In order to fight evil, you must first recognize it.
This is the “Simplified Method”, thank goodness! All you have to do is:
1) Enter the total annuity payment from the Form 1099-R
2) Enter the cost of the starting plan, except if you completed this worksheet last year. Then skip line 3 and enter the amount from line 4 of last year’s worksheet on line 4
3) Enter the appropriate number from Table 1 below, BUT if the annuity starting date is after 1997 then
4) left hand red and
5) right foot blue
The IRS is playing Twister with my brain.
I can’t even figure out when I need to send these in. Aren’t taxes always due on 4/15? Unless 4/15 falls on a weekend, then it’s the next business day. Unless the next business day is a holiday in the District of Columbia. No fooling. Washington D. C., one city – not even a state – is having a holiday, so the due date has been changed for the entire country.
Well guess what? I can’t turn my taxes in on Tuesday, because it’s an important holiday here in Peg-o-Legville. It’s the annual Goober Festival. We spend the entire month of April celebrating this character’s lasting contribution to American television. Some also celebrate peanuts, and that’s ok, too. The point is it’s only fair that NOBODY has to do his or her taxes until 5/1 when our holiday is over.
Why can’t there be one tax? They could shorten the whole, foul business down to 2 lines on the return:
-Did you make any money last year?
-Send it in.
Some think a flat tax would be bad for the economy. They worry about dislocated workers. All the bartenders and junk-food industry workers would go on as before, though; we need that stuff whether we’re happy or sad. Sure, the straightjacket and wig industries will shrink, but we’ll need lots more balloon artists, mimes and paddleboat operators. If they didn’t have to do taxes, everyone would be out frolicking in the park, enjoying the spring.
I know I would.
Shhh. I heard something. They think they can sneak up on me, but I hear them. The IRS is everywhere, and now they’re coming for me. They’ve got the place surrounded. It’s too late for me, but save yourselves!
I’m not going quietly. Oh no! There are going to be pointy pencil pokes and paper cuts all up in this joint!