Looking for a Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone?
The Bronx Zoo is once again raising funds for the Wildlife Conservation Society, and you can help. For only $10 you get to name one of the zoo’s 58,000 giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches after your own true love.
As I reported last year, I encourage you to support this worthwhile charity, but consider carefully.
According to the zoo, nothing says “forever” like a cockroach. According to Peg-o-leg, nothing says “The End Is Near” for your relationship like comparing your sweetie to a gigantic cockroach.
To make sure you don’t crash and burn on this, the high-holy day of love, I’ve compiled a list of common Valentine gifts and the messages they send:
Single, red rose: I stopped looking when I met you.
Single, red foil-wrapped chocolate rose: I stopped at the gas station mini-mart on the way over.
Tattoo of your name across his chest: I’ll love you forever
Tattoo of World of Warcraft avatar babe across his chest: I’ll live in my parents’ basement forever.
Big box of chocolates: I adore you.
Big box of chocolate flavored Slim-Fast: I’d adore less of you.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to you: You’ll never know what you mean to me.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to someone else: You’ll never know about my wife and kids in Scranton.
Scanty, satin panties: You drive me wild, woman!
Big, cotton bloomers: You drive me to band practice, Mom.
Gift certificate for some pampering: Let’s get together and let nature take its course.
Gift certificate for some Pampers: Nature already took its course.
Diamond ring: We will spend the rest of our lives watching sunsets together.
Diamond walnuts: We will spend the rest of the night on your couch watching “Lizard Lick Towing” together.
It’s not easy to communicate what’s in your heart. When speaking the language of love, sometimes it’s best to bring an interpreter.