Use An Interpreter When Speaking The Language of Love


Looking for a Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone?

Cupid meets Fear Factor

The Bronx Zoo is once again raising funds for the Wildlife Conservation Society, and you can help.  For only $10 you get to name one of the zoo’s 58,000 giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches after your own true love.

As I reported last year, I encourage you to support this worthwhile charity, but consider carefully. 

According to the zoo, nothing says “forever” like a cockroach.  According to Peg-o-leg, nothing says “The End Is Near” for your relationship like comparing your sweetie to a gigantic cockroach.

To make sure you don’t crash and burn on this, the high-holy day of love, I’ve compiled a list of common Valentine gifts and the messages they send:

Single, red rose: I stopped looking when I met you.
Single, red foil-wrapped chocolate rose: I stopped at the gas station mini-mart on the way over.

Tattoo of your name across his chest:  I’ll love you forever
Tattoo of World of Warcraft avatar babe across his chest: I’ll live in my parents’ basement forever.

Big box of chocolates: I adore you.
Big box of chocolate flavored Slim-Fast: I’d adore less of you.

Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to you: You’ll never know what you mean to me.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to someone else:  You’ll never know about my wife and kids in Scranton.

Scanty, satin panties:  You drive me wild, woman!
Big, cotton bloomers: You drive me to band practice, Mom.

Gift certificate for some pampering: Let’s get together and let nature take its course.
Gift certificate for some Pampers: Nature already took its course.

Diamond ring: We will spend the rest of our lives watching sunsets together.
Diamond walnuts:  We will spend the rest of the night on your couch watching “Lizard Lick Towing” together.

It’s not easy to communicate what’s in your heart.  When speaking the language of love, sometimes it’s best to bring an interpreter.

About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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28 Responses to Use An Interpreter When Speaking The Language of Love

  1. bigsheepcommunications says:

    Peg, you’ve provided a wonderful public service here. From here on, any gift that does not involve a giant hissing cockroach being named after me shall be considered a worthy gift.


  2. Al says:

    Hilarious Peg, but I thought I had destroyed all those cards from past years.


  3. My husband once gave me sexy underwear – I complained I couldn’t see it tucked down there under my stomach. The next year he gave me the ugliest pajamas (something a clown would wear) one can imagine; they came in a Victoria’s Secret gift bag so that made it even worse. I nearly killed him. Sadly, I don’t think an interpeter would help, but maybe some Slimfast would do the trick.


  4. Hysterical, Peggy. Your mind works in wonderful and mysterious ways!


  5. I agree with you on a cockroach for Valentine’s Day meaning “the end is near.” Ewwww….


  6. Dana says:

    Nothing instills more terror in my heart than remembering a woman who was shopping in the lingerie dept where I used to work. She asked where she could find the “deep pants”, which I finally figured out meant GIGANTIC, FLAG-SIZED cotton bloomers. They came in white or black, and when I asked about her colour preference, she looked at me like I was crazy and said “white, of course! I don’t want my husband to get aroused if I come home wearing black ones!” Lady, I’m sure the issue was not just the colour of the bloomers. Trust me on this one.


  7. BillThePraiseAndWorshipGuy says:

    I remember one Christmas when I bought my girlfriend a very nice necklace. Her present for me? A handcart for hauling sound equipment. Now, I still use that handcart, but I am sure I just saw her piece of jewelry on “Pawn Stars”…. The moral? Practicality does not equal romance.


    • pegoleg says:

      Interesting to get the man’s perspective. I usually buy chocolates and flowers for Bill, but he doesn’t care a damn about either thing. I thought most guys were really practical and would rather have a handcart or a toolbelt or some such junk?

      I’m impressed that you spent enough that the necklace was worth pawning.


  8. Amy says:

    Nothing says “My love goes running under the fridge when the lights turn on” quite like naming a cockroach after him. It is quirky, though, which I can appreciate.


    • pegoleg says:

      It is pretty quirky. Like I said before, you’d have to have a pretty secure relationship to think you could get away with this and not end up sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year.


  9. But it could still be a good Valentine’s gift if I named the cockroach after one of her ex-boyfriends.


  10. pattisj says:

    Oh, Peg, I’m rolling! LOL Missed you!


  11. Tori Nelson says:

    So much learning just happened in my little, clueless head. Thanks, lady!


  12. Barb says:

    This was so clever. I’m still trying to interpret last year’s gift certificate for an hour with a personal trainer.


    • pegoleg says:

      That’s a toughie. Could mean “I love you so much I want you healthy so you’ll be around me forever”. Also could mean “you’re fat”. When in doubt, assume the positive.


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