Making sure the holiday season isn't open season on rich, old guys.

The joyful Christmas season is, unfortunately, also a time of increased accidents.  This year the super-wealthy are at even greater risk.  Why?  Because the death tax rate in the U.S. is going up on 1/1/11. 

This tax, also known as the inheritance or estate tax, is currently at a historic low – zero (0).  It is going up to 35%, or perhaps as high as 55%, at the first of the year. 

The pending tax change might encourage some gold-digger wives to make sure they get what they REALLY want for Christmas.

As a public service to the very, very wealthy, here are some valuable tips. 

Safety first:

Be extra vigilant if involved with:

1)      Christmas tree lights: Wife’s insistence on putting a large lighted wreath above the bathtub should raise red flag.

2)      Funny tasting eggnog:  Better have wife’s obnoxious, yappy Pomeranian test it first.  Or, better yet, the cabana boy.

3)      Playing dirty Santa and the naughty elf:  All the warnings enumerated in those distasteful Viagra ads apply here.

4)      Shoveling snow: Never mind – billionaires have this done for them.

How vigilant do I need to be?

That depends on a number of factors.

Since most of the filthy rich got that way by being hard-number guys, I have developed a mathematical model to quantify the risk.  The result is the Holiday Danger Factor (hdf).

The equation:        a (log)  x   w   +  p  = hdf 
                               a (hyw)      e

where:  a (log) = age of loaded old geezer
            a (hyw) = age of hot young wife
                    w  = wealth of geezer (expressed in millions)
                     e  = education level of wife (years after grade school)
                      p = # of Speedos owned by young, studly pool boy
                   hdf = holiday danger factor

The hdf is then checked against the following table.  Each level has been given a name for ease of remembrance:

hdf        Level                                        Risk        
❤         Gates                                      very low                                  
4-8      Seinfeld                                    low to moderate                       
9-13    Grammar                                 Have attorney on speed dial  
14-19    King                                          Keep safe-house stocked      
<20       That guy who was married     Have food taster on staff        
 to  Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest
in peace)  
                                                         
Let’s run through a few examples to illustrate how the model works.

Example 1: 55-year-old man with $3,000,000 in the bank, married to 51-year-old schoolteacher (advanced degree assumed).  No pool, or maintenance handled by HOA fees.

55      x  3  + 0 =  .09
51           9

Conclusion: Go ahead and install Santa & sleigh on rooftop. Use ordinary caution.

Example 2: 90 year old billionaire married to 23 year old who dropped out of school at age 16 to pursue Miss Ta-tas of Abilene title.  20-year-old pool boy hired by wife last year moonlights as underwear model.

90      x  20  + 15 = 26.29
23           3

Conclusion: May want to let wife spend the holidays at the mansion with the pool boy, while you hide out for a month in an undisclosed location.  Heavily guarded.

Helpful alternative:

You can avoid all this worry by cutting the gold-digging, nubile young wife out of the equation.  Get rid of her! 

What you need is an attractive, caring, more mature woman.  Perhaps a blogger with a good sense of humor.  I know someone who could be available quickly, possibly as soon as this weekend (if her husband makes good on his promise to put up the rooftop Santa sleigh).

If I am able to ensure even one billionaire makes it to 2011, my work here has been worthwhile.