Independence Day is here. This day marks the epic battle wherein Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum defeated evil aliens bent on taking over the world. What many don’t know, however, is that Americans had been celebrating this day for many years before then.
Here’s a brief history.
Mankind used to think the world was flat and if you sailed too close to the edge you would fall off of it. Kind of like the 19-year-old Chicagoans who come to the local state park almost every weekend, ignore signs warning them to stay on the paths, and fall off the cliffs. One brave explorer named Magellan (who also invented the GPS) decided to test this theory. Instead of falling off the world, he discovered a new continent. Being a modest fellow, he named it after a friend – America Pucci, an Italian handbag designer.
Fast forward a couple, maybe 50 years. Another brave explorer, Christopher Columbus, was sent by Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand the Bull to find new lands, but mainly to find gold. He headed to America and called the people he met “Indians” because thought he was in Indiana. He was much farther south, like around Florida. You’d think all the New Jersey snowbirds there would have given him a clue, but he didn’t have a GPS.
After that, practically every country sent explorers to “discover” America and get the gold that was supposed to be lying around for the taking. Many different religious sects also came seeking freedom to worship without persecution. As soon as they arrived, they fell to their knees to thank God. They then quickly enacted laws that anybody not practicing THEIR religion would be burned at the stake as a witch, and our basic right to religious liberty was born.
For some, the New World didn’t seem much better than the Old. Spain was concerned because some people were talking about building a border wall with the Incas, Canada realized they didn’t really need Michigan because they already had all the fir trees and beavers they could use on their own land, and soon they and most other countries left the New World. We were down to just English settlers.
The English were called Pilgrims. They had come ashore at Plymouth Rock, which was not easy to find among 1000 miles of coastline. Must have had a GPS. Life was very hard for them. They wouldn’t have made it if not for the Indians who, by then, insisted on being called Native New Worlders. They saved the Pilgrims by teaching them how to cook turkey (Tofurky for Pilgrims who had gone away to college and came home for the holidays as vegans), make pumpkin pie and get jellied cranberries out of the can in one smooth, whole lump.
Fast forward a couple, maybe 50 years, and the Pilgrims, now called Colonists, had just about had it with the English. They were like an absentee landlord who will evict you in a hot, New York minute if you’re a day late with the rent, but you can’t get a hold of them when the furnace goes out in the middle of the night in January. Even worse, the English levied a hefty tax on tea. This was before ice, beer or smoothies had been invented, so tea was all the Colonists had to drink. “No taxation without representation!” became the Colonists battle cry and they dumped all the tea in Boston Harbor. The EPA hit them with a bunch of huge fines for polluting, and that was the last straw. We went to war.
We won that war, and afterwards the Colonists quickly imposed their own taxes. This blow for freedom ensured that cigarette smokers would pay 5 times more taxes than anybody else in the fledgling country. Additional representation, in the form of being able to vote more, did not go along with the additional taxes.
Fast forward a couple, maybe 50 years, and George Washington, the father of our country, chopped down a cherry tree because he wanted cherry to be our national pie. But the senators at the newly-formed Philadelphia ComicCon voted to keep pumpkin as the official pie to honor the Native New Worlders and make up for taking their land and killing all the buffalo. They did concede, however, that cherry pie filling with a graham cracker crust and cream cheese (which had just been discovered in Philadelphia) makes a yummy second dessert for the Thanksgiving table. This started the noble tradition we still observe today, wherein our elected officials spend most of their time on such vital issues as coming up with national desserts, establishing National Tartan Day and gravely investigating anyone who ever had Russian dressing on a salad.
There you have it. Feel free to share this brief, yet fact-filled history of our country with others, especially young people. Heaven knows they need it since schools are only teaching No Child Left Behind and how to put condoms on bananas nowadays.
And as you celebrate this Independence Day, remember those who gave so much so we would be free to drink excessively, get sunburned and blow off various limbs with bottle rockets.
God bless America!
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Loved your historical perspective, but must correct one small point. No self-respecting New Jerseyan would set foot in Florida before the invention of air conditioning.
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Thanks for the clarification. Historical accuracy is my first priority.😎
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Want to…(guffaw, snicker)..comment on this hilarious piece but…..(snortle, guffaw again, smile loudly) laughing too much…(snortling, guffawing, snickering and smiling loudly all at same time). I’ll be back shortly….(cackle, drool).
OK, back now, Peg. Now that was a funny, funny history lesson. Reminded me a little bit of the “Fractured Fairy Tales” from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. My wife loved it so much she is going out to purchase a Pucci handbag to celebrate the day.
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Your wife is another Yankee Noodle Dandy. Better let her buy two. They’re only $4000 each; no problem, right?
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I used to make Russian dressing. Does that make me evil?
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Not evil, but you can expect a congressional summons any day now.
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Hahahahaha!! And I simply love Jeff Goldblum!! And I like that Fractured Fairy Tales comment from Al. So Funny!!!
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I always thought Jeff Goldblum was hot.
I wrote that in the piece and then deleted it because I thought it sounded weird.
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Interesting take on history, Pegoleg. I laughed, I cringed, I enjoyed.
Was reading some of your posts from 2014 and all the comments. Things sure have changed in WordPress world, haven’t they? SO glad to see you and the family this weekend. Love and hugs!
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Yeah, I’m not sure what the future holds for me here. I’m thinking it over. Great to see you, too. 😘
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Do not even think about it, Peg! Even one post every few months would keep me going. You don’t want to be the next one on social media being accused of causing a suicide now would you? No pressure, though.
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Thanks, bud.😁
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Amen, brother Al. Peg, don’t go anywhere!
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Aw, aren’t you sweet. 🙂
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Thank you so much!
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Happy Independence Day! Hope you had as festive a holiday as we had here in Canada for our 150th Birthday! Since we are a much younger country than you, I should be able to summarize our history in a single paragraph.
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Let’s see it, Margy. 😎
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If I’d only had you as my history teacher, I might have paid more attention in class! Happy 4th! 🙂
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The tests would have been interesting. Happy Independence day to you, too!
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I hope I’m not the only one who takes the time to read your tags. They’re as entertaining as the meat of the post. Just so you know. They don’t go unnoticed. They’re like easter eggs or a free sample at Costco.
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Thanks for noticing, Mr. Exile. That’s probably the longest tag in the history of blogging. Hope your holiday was great.
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Thanks for the history lesson, Miss Peggles! i hope your limbs are in place after a joyful 4th of July. I’m getting back to business after a long vaca. Missed you in London. You could’ve gone to the Bloggers Bash!
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Miss Susie! I want you to know I still love you, even though I am green with envy at your recent trip, which I followed with great interest. Can’t wait to read all about the Blogger’s Bash.
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Should be required reading in schools. I’ll start the petitions if you give me a cut should it ever develop into an earned income stream.
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That’s the best offer I’ve had all month. Deal.
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Just to think, that the natives might have ended up being called Florians. We could have celebrated Thanksgiving dinner with roast aligator and orange pie if the Pilgrims had been caught in one of the northern winds instead of a westerly. The mind boggles.
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“The course of history rarely runs straight according to how you think it’s gonna.” Somebody famous once said that, I think.
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You should write text books, Peg!
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If they pay me, I’ll write just about anything. 🙂
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I’m a little late to the party but then again my party was a few days earlier on the 1st. I guess that makes me even later. Your history lesson is pretty entertaining and I agree it would definitely give Fractured Fairytales a run for the money. Now, if there really was money involved maybe we could convince you to write more of these. 😉
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