I had a very good year.
Right about now, a lot of you are thinking of ways to improve yourself in the coming year; in other words, you’re making your 2017 New Year’s resolutions. Bad idea. Nobody keeps those for more than a week – two weeks, tops – so you’re setting yourself up for certain failure. If we’ve learned nothing else in the last 10 years, it’s that aiming high breeds winners, but also creates the possibility that there will be losers. That must be avoided at all costs in the interest of building self-esteem.
In the same spirit as abolishing class ranking and giving participation trophies, I propose everyone make their resolutions AFTER the year is over. That way our goals are more realistic. I’ve been doing it this way for years and my levels of self-esteem and self-love have never been higher.
Here are my Retroactive New Year’s Resolutions (aka Old Year’s Resolutions) for 2016 along with a report on how I measured up. I think you’ll be pleased with the results – I know I was:
- Lose weight…then gain it all back. I really overachieved on this one by losing 50 pounds. Not all at once, of course, but if you count all the times I lost 10 and gained back 15, it really adds up.
- Get in shape…approximately the same shape as Jabba the Hut. Nailed it.
- Improve my mind…by watching educational programming on that university of the airways, The Learning Channel. Spent hours studying “Little People of —-,” “Real Housewives of —-“ and “Family With A Whole Boat-load of Kids of —–.”
- Give back…tacky gifts that I wouldn’t be caught dead using. I successfully unloaded all such losers on unsuspecting recipients, and only regifted back to the original giver once. Awkward.
- Get involved in politics…by voting. Also by welcoming diversity in ideas as well as race and sexual orientation. Showed this by biting my tongue until it bled instead of telling others what I REALLY thought of their lame-ass candidate.
- Do unto others…before they do unto me. I practiced what I preached by not letting anyone into my lane if their lane was ending and they waited until the absolute last second to merge. Dipwads.
- Be more patient…with those who are deserving, a group that does not include rude drivers and clueless customer service representatives who are trying to get on my last nerve, I swear to god. Otherwise, Mother Theresa could take notes from me.
- Stop buying useless junk…which, of course, doesn’t include any of the incredible values and labor-saving devices I snagged on Amazon, QVC and similar fine, 2am shopping venues.
- Save money…Save the planet…Save the whales…I covered all of these “save the whatever” do-gooder goals by saving those perfume-impregnated postcards that come stuck in fashion magazines. Then I reused them as sachets in my underwear drawer.
- Finish writing my book…or finish reading a book; that’s almost as good. I highly recommend “The Calvin & Hobbes Cartoon Anthology” and even returned it to the library only a couple of weeks overdue.
- Get smart about investing…in $10 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets every week. Upped investment goal during weeks when the Mega Lottery payout was over $200 million.
- Plan for retirement…see “Get smart about investing” above.
- Stop swearing…except at all the @#$&-wads who must be deliberately trying to annoy me, I swear to god.
- Drink less…prune juice. Done and done.
2016 was obviously a stellar year for me, and I can hardly wait to find out how I do in 2017. There are only 365 days to go. I can practically guarantee I’ll exceed expectations once again.
What are your Retroactive New Year’s Resolutions for 2016?
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Bwhahaha! Dipwads! They’re everywhere, everywhere I tell ya!
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It does seem like it, doesn’t it?
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Stop swearing at other drivers…except if they fail to use turn signals, ride my bumper, stop in the middle of pedestrian walks, drive like it’s summer when it’s winter, are texting, throwing lit butts out of their car window, haven’t committed to one lane…..
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This is a constant struggle for me. If only there weren’t so many provocations!
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Tell me about it…. My “vanity” plate says “worship”, and when I am about to swerve around and darn-near cut off some clueless person dragging their heels in the fast lane, I have the chilling realization that the first thing they will see on my car is “worship”!!! It has FORCED me to be a (little) kinder driver!!!!!
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Good thinking, Bill. That reminds me of joke about a similar driver who was stopped by the police on the way home from church. Much to her surprise he ordered her out of the car, patted her down and generally treated her like a dangerous criminal.
“What’s going on?” she sputtered in protest.
At last he replied, “I’ve been following you since you left church. You cut off 1 driver coming out of the lot, flipped the bird at another and road the tail of another driver for the last mile. This SUV has a fish symbol on the back, a “Jesus is the reason for the season” bumper-sticker and a “My child is an honor student at St. Mary’s” window decal, so it seems pretty obvious that you must have stolen this car.”
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I think this has the makings of my first column of the year for the newspaper–love it–I have, like you, exceeded all expectations….Happy New Year my friend!
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Thanks!
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Once again you have saved untold millions from a disappointing start to the New Year. If blogging was a sport, you’re the Michael Jordan of altruism, the Tom Brady of charity, the Pete Rose of…..well, you get the point.
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…the Pete Rose of illegal gambling? Thanks, buddy.
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Like the man said: “Two out of three ain’t bad….”
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Not surprisingly, I am a star in the firmament of the heavens. Who knew? Other than you, Peg. Thanks for the methodology!
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I always knew you were a star, Miss Elyse. I hope 2017 is everything fabulous for you!
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Kudos to a brilliantly successful year! May 2017 roll around the sun for your with even more success. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I am going to imitate your good idea, but alas not your stellar accomplishments
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Your accomplishments can be just as stellar – just don’t set the bar too high.
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Very excellent idea! We used to make our goals at the beginning of the year, then review our success at the end of the year. We never thought of doing both at the same time!
My retroactive 2016 resolution: Finish painting the wall in the hallway – when I’ve picked a colour I like better than the one I started painting it with 5 years ago… this resolution could be a 2017 resolution too…
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Multi-year resolutions. How thrifty of you, Margie!
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You are hilarious! You are also either a flippin’ mind-reader or a really skillful hacker, because my list is almost identical. Except for the swearing part — there’s no way I can get more involved in $@!# politics and be more $@#! patient without erupting into involuntary swearing every now and then. Fortunately, there’s always next year! Thank you for the laughs.
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All we can do is all we can do, right?
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You nailed ’em! Way to go. Instead of looking forward, my new year post was looking back at 2016, too. The hell it was. Here’s to losing weight, retirement planning, being more kind, and planning meals ahead in 2017 – not! Have a good one no matter what.
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I forgot about better meal planning! Putting it on the list for the end of next year, and the same good wishes to you.
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Whenever ‘real housewives’ are advertised on TV my mother asks what makes those glittery women in slinky gowns scratching at each other real. Since you’ve taken time to study them, you might have the answer.
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I always knew I liked your mom.
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Resolution #1 & only – to let it go! Life is too short (as we have seen just this past week) to hold on to the pain that weighs us down….accept each day as a new one to explore and – dont forget to “dance”…
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Great advice! Not at all funny, but definitely great advice.
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Job well done, Peg! You totally nailed 2016. Here’s hoping that your New Year’s Resolutions at the end of 2017 are just as successful.
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I’m sure they will be. Have a great year yourself. 😁
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Dump the box of rocks I packed and hauled with me across the US of A two years ago. Yes. Rocks. Yes. I packed them up and paid to have them moved across the country. Yes. I’ve stored them for two years. Why? Apparently I hadn’t realized that they had rocks out here in the Pacific NW.
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That’s crazy, Lorna! But I have several boxes of souvenir rocks, so I’m not judging.
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I think if we refer to them as polished stones, people will understand. What do you think?
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My resolution is to start merging into your lane no later than 1.5 seconds before my lane ends.
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You have a death wish, hmmm?
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This is really funny!!! My New Year’s resolution is to meditate every night before bed for five minutes. I can do this *shaking head*
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Good idea. I’m going to meditate about clueless drivers and how they should be forcibly removed from the road.
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Everyone loves practical recycling – resolution this way actually work!
Wishing you miles of smiles, intriguing wanderings, and lots of wonder in the New Year! Cheers and onward
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Thanks so much, Phil Mouse. Same to you!
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My retroactive 2016 resolution: becoming bilingual. Maybe I will become by the end of 2017. Still have 362 days left 🙂
You are hilarious and I like that. Thank you!
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Thankias, and muchas luckeo with the 2017 resolution.
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What an excellent idea! This very much fits in with my way of thinking, I’m sure you are like me and write things on your to-do list after you’ve done them, just so that you have some things to cross off right? And this is very much like that, and let me tell you, I like it!
Happy New Year to you Peg wishing you a 2017 full of as yet unknown retroactive new year’s resolutions!
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Haha! Must confess, VJ, that I tend to write things on my calendar AFTER they happen so I can look back and think I had a rich, activity-filled year. Happy New Year to you!
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Happy to be under VJC. Her comment.
A very noble list. It’s okay to bail out on QVC but never ditch KFC. At the request of family members I resolved to be less sour. Could they have picked a more difficult resolution? Let’s go for 2017.
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That’s a tough resolution. Cynicism is like air to many of us.
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Please. It’s not like I’m giving up KFC.
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That would just be wrong.
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That’s so much….. Implementing them one by one is quite good but not all at a time.But still good advices. Nothing is impossible for strong mindset. Starting with one will lead to two and so on and finally all, as one drop of water with some more drops lead to an ocean finally….
Thanks for the advices…
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Thanks for stopping by.
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Hey…I’m not stopping you…..I just said “that’s so much ” is only to appreciate your idea or time that you take to list down various points to concentrate on. That’s really great work you did, while so many didn’t.
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I just forgot to put Exclamation( ! )there…
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This was clever. I may make retroactive resolutions for 2017. Starting with… “Discover other people who have a distaste for New Year resolutions.” (Nailed it.)
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Good plan, but you can’t make your 2017 resolutions until next December. Gives you something to work towards.
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The trouble will come in resolving to remember my resolutions… Retroactively.
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They say most of us won’t reach our New Year’s resolutions, so maybe every year we should be setting the resolution to gain weight.
When people tell me they want to write a book, I ask them when was the last time they finished reading a book. Writing a book requires way more disciple than reading one. Maybe I should be more positive in encouraging other people, but I don’t need to compete with more people writing books.
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Are you in the process, or have you completed a book? I figure if I never actually finish writing one, I save myself the pain of rejection when I can’t get it published.
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I wrote one book, printed it off, placed it on my desk, but nobody ever called and offered to publish. So I wrote a second book, printed it off, placed it on my desk. Still no offers. People keep telling me you’re supposed to write a book proposal or send chapters to a publisher, but that sounds like a lot of work.
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I failed my resolutions last year, so they are waaay more reasonable this year. Taking lots of breaks is on the top of my list!
Love your resolutions. My tongue is still healing too!
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My only resolution this year is to social more. I suffer from depression and anxiety so I am more comfortable at home away from people. I also want to work on being judgy when I do get out or when talking to the televison.
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