Christmas is the season for celebrating old traditions. Around this blog, that means dusting off posts of Christmas past, posts that are staler than re-gifted fruitcake. Enjoy.
Bah humbug!
Christmas is only a couple of days away. The cards are written, the presents are bought, wrapped and under the tree, and now everyone can sit back and enjoy the season.
Everyone except you.
You haven’t done anything to get ready. You have no presents, no ideas and no money again this year. You’re basically screwed, right?
Wrong!
Don’t despair! You don’t have have to spend Christmas in the doghouse, just because you’re lazy and broke. Borrow some of these last minute gift ideas:
1) For the book lover: Does someone on your gift list always have his or her nose in a book? Have you priced hardcovers lately? They can be $30 and up – ridiculous! Trot down to the local library, check out the newest bestseller and wrap it up. When the recipient opens your gift and looks bewildered, start on a long-winded diatribe about what an outrageous assault on the environment it is to cut down defenseless trees for books, and the importance of sharing resources. Add a bit about the great history of Carnegie libraries in America and by the end of your presentation the book lover will be feeling vaguely guilty for ever having bought one. Be a Christmas angel and remind the recipient they’ll incur overdue fines after 2 weeks, so they should read fast!
2) For the wine lover: With your Annie Green Springs tastes, you have neither the budget nor the knowledge to please a true wine connoisseur. Don’t even try. Take a card and write, “Here’s a little something to toast the season”. Wrap up a box containing …2 pieces of dry toast. I suggest using whole wheat bread since wine snobs also tend to be health food snobs. They’ll look like poor sports if they even hint that they would prefer a real gift to your clever gag. (Thrifty suggestion: Cut a square of wrapping paper, fold in half and use this as a card. You can write on the inside and it matches the package for an expensive, coordinated look.)
3) For that special woman: Is there anything a woman loves more than a truly spectacular piece of expensive jewelry? Since THAT’s not going to happen this Christmas, you can still score points by hitting her other hot button: a love of schmaltzy romance. Just write in a card, “You own the key to my heart.” Wrap up a small, jewelry-sized box in which you’ve placed…a key. Any old key will do –could be the key to your locker at the gym. Make sure it’s not your car key, though, as it might be awkward to have to ask for it back at the end of the evening.
4) For your kid: Every parent has experienced this. You get your kid a Suzy Homemaker kitchen, or Little Tykes workbench and they run right by the big, expensive toy to play with the box. Encourage their creative spirit with an Imagination Kit: an assortment of cardboard boxes, rolling paper and toilet paper tubes, rubber bands and other stuff that you have around the house. Pontificate about the importance of creative play, developing building and imagination skills and getting back to basics. This will confuse the in-laws so they can’t be sure if you really believe all that stuff, or you’re just a cheap Scrooge.
5) For the kid’s teacher: Teachers get so much lame junk: ornaments, bubble bath and candles, they could open a gift store. What do they really, really want? Some relief from the unrelenting torment of having little monsters like your kid in their class. Make up several coupons “Good for one day without Johnny”. On days when your offspring has been acting even more like the spawn of Satan than usual, Teacher can send one of the coupons home with the kid. You promise to keep him home “sick” the next day, thereby giving Teacher a much-needed break. Be careful not to give so many coupons that all his days off catch the attention of the health department or truancy officer.
6) For the brother-in-law: Your lush of a brother-in-law is always getting in trouble with the po-lice. What a hoot when he opens your gift in front of the whole family to reveal a stack of “get out of jail free” cards, taken from a Monopoly game. Even funnier if you could be be there when he tries to use one when he gets stopped, weaving down the road on the way home from the family party.
7) For your pets: What dog doesn’t love a rousing game of “fetch”? Simply gather up a couple of sticks (not too fat), about 1-1/2 feet long, and tie them up with a jaunty, red ribbon. For the cat, smush a page from the Sunday funnies into a ball, wrap in twine or rubber bands, and you’re ready for hours of pouncing play. (These also make thoughtful gifts for the dog or cat lover on your list.)
With my helpful hints, a little bit of cleverness can take the place of true thoughtfulness, money and any real effort on your part.
Merry Christmas, and good luck!
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Now that we have Queen of Sheba (aka Maggie the Cat) living in our house this year, I’ve realized the only gift she’ll truly like is a some balled-up tinfoil or the plastic ring from the milk jug.
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All your gift-giving worries are over, Miss Darla Claus!
Have a wonderful holiday!
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Peg, you have managed to take the stress out of Christmas for all of us. But you have also managed to totally destroy the country’s economy! Nice going. But Merry Christmas anyway.
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I do what I can. Merry Christmas to you and the family, Al. 🙂
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Peg, I thought destroying the economy was your sister’s job?
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It’s a family tradition, X!
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Seems like I remember this too. Does she know you have usurped her?
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Actually, the box and paper idea could make a great gift for kids in an economically distressed household. At least they’d have something under the tree. Been there, done that, actually went over pretty well.
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You’re so right. I vividly remember when our family got a new refrigerator – we were all fighting over getting in that big box. It was a ton of fun for hours!
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Peg-O-Leg, you saved me some big bucks. I especially like the library idea for my husband who requested super-expensive scienc-y books this year. I’ll stop by the Main Street Branch on my way home!
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Jeez, you might be in trouble, Elyse. Those super science-y books are not typically found at the Main St. Library. Do you have any universities nearby where you have check-out privileges?
We’re heading out of town tomorrow. If I don’t say so later, Merry Holidays to you and yours. 🙂
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Same to you, Peg!!!!
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You know, that book idea might actually work on me – I’m too cheap to buy a new book and too lazy to go to the library, so I would really appreciate the effort.
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Must admit I thought it was a stroke of (cheapo) genius.
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2) Ancient grains or GTFO.
*pretentious sniff*
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Ancient grains, eh? No problem – I’ve got a bowl of rice in the fridge right now from a couple of weeks ago that I was meaning to throw out.
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Sure, I read this AFTER I’ve bought and wrapped my presents. Must bookmark this page for next Christmas…
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Or you can give cash and diamonds – I understand lots of people like that stuff, too.
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Love the book idea! Even easier – you could just give them the printed directions of how to get a library card!
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It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
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Some great ideas here, but I especially like the ones for kids and cats.
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My kids always liked that stuff. 🙂
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Pingback: Last Minute Gift Ideas To Keep You From Being Ebenezer Screwed Again This Year – www,anayawaseempic.worldpress.com
The best thing about getting older is that I can’t remember crap. This was funny then (I’m sure because it’s funny now). It seems vaguely familiar, like a sunset or my toes…
Merry Christmas, Peg!
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Thanks, Lorna. Hope yours was extra-fabulous!
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Twas. 🙂
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Always a super smile here. Thanks for your gifts of laughter and fun throughout the year
Now to wrap up the holidays…
Waiting for sunset on Christmas Eve is like standing toes-over-the-edge on a high diving board.
Every year we’d cruise casually by the window to keep an eye on the sun’s progress until it was officially evening.
Then the shout “Christmas Eve Gift!” would ring out.
You see, the traditions says that the first person to voice that phrase on Christmas Eve to another would be graced with good fortune and joy all the next year.
(And of course, whomever was first won. Everything was a contest…)
It’s more difficult to be first now with caller ID.
As all those who have become my friends in blogland are spread widely across time zones, I’d like to wish you all “Christmas Eve Gift” now.
And as I already feel so fortunate to have such wonderful readers and writers in this neighborhood, I wish to share any phrase acquired good fortune and joy with you in thanks.
No matter where you are or what you are guided by, hope you have a very merry Christmas and a new year full of adventure and joy.
Peace on earth and goodwill towards all creatures great and small.
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What a lovely tradition and sentiment. Hope your Christmas was wonderful and that 2017 is fabulous for you and your family.
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Annie Green Springs. Ouch. I can still taste it coming up, trying to find the light.
That’s the second best version of ‘A Christmas Carol.’ The first is with George C. Scott.
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Ya think? George was good, but it’s hard to beat the complexity and gravity of the Muppets version.
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Shit, I wish I would of read this before Christmas.
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