Git it baby girl!
It has been a rough summer. Some dear family members are dealing with serious health issues, I’ve been struggling to get in shape, and I’ve been dogged with a bad case of the blahs for months. All that is about to change.
Toddlers & Tiaras is back, and life has meaning again.
Toddlers & Tiaras was a reality show that aired on TLC from 2008 to 2013. Each episode followed several children and their families as they prepped for and competed in beauty pageants specifically designed for very young girls and babies. If you’ve been hanging around the blog for a while, you’ll know that watching this show was a guilty pleasure for me.
The big-wigs at TLC (an acronym that used to stand for The Learning Channel, but now stands for Trashy, Low-down, Circus-sideshow) have finally came to their senses and resurrected Toddlers. The first new episode airs tonight.
These pageants have very little to do with the legitimate pageant world, except for the obvious – beauty. The Miss America pageant world stresses poise, charitable work and talent along with physical beauty. The toddler version is all about over-the-top makeup, hair and costumes, coupled with an elusive but essential quality called “sparkle.” I would be interested to know if many girls make the leap from one world to the next; I suspect not.
The cameras roll through the child’s town and then show her pre-pageant routine at home. Contestants are overwhelmingly little girls and the pageants are primarily in the south and southwestern United States. I watched one show, however, where the child who wanted to be queen broke the mold on both counts: it was a little boy and he was from my hometown in Michigan. I was geeked to see familiar landmarks on the screen, but couldn’t help wondering what kind of therapy this kid will need down the road. I wonder that about most of the contestants. It would be interesting to follow up 10 years later when they’re no longer little and cute, to see what lasting affects this experience has had on them.
In case you’re not familiar with Toddlers & Tiaras and are planning to watch it, here’s a little vocabulary primer to help you understand their special jargon.
Diva: spoiled, obnoxious monster child who does whatever she wants. Surprisingly, this label is pinned on the child by her doting parents. Rather than considering this a character flaw that requires spanking to correct, the parents brag about their young hellion.
Full Glitz: some pageants feature natural beauty, but most are all about the fake. In “full glitz” the children sport spray tans, bleached teeth or fake teeth called “flippers”, Dolly Parton-height teased hair with extensions, false eyelashes and makeup applied with a trowel. The fake package is then encased in a uniform of ruffly ankle socks, white patent leather shoes and a pageant dress so stiffly fluffy, ruffly and rhinestone-encrusted that the child can barely move. It’s clear from the behind-the-scenes footage that many parents have to take out a second mortgage to afford these one-of-a-kind creations.
Beauty Wear: the contestants’ first solo walk on stage. This is their chance to impress the judges with their super-expensive dresses and talent of being able to walk, blow kisses, bat their eyelashes and sparkle all at the same time.
Wow Wear: a second opportunity for each contestant to take the stage and show off costumes for a specific theme like 50s Wear, Western Wear, or High-Priced Call Girl Wear. The child whose parents spend the most money on the most outlandish outfit, complete with lavish props and costumed adult helpers, wows the judges and wins the category.
“Git it baby girl”: what moms yell while they’re prancing around behind the judges, pantomiming the special walk and eyelash-batting smile they want their kid to adopt up on the stage. Most of these stage moms are ruthless barracudas who can barely disguise their ambition or desperate longing to be beauty queens themselves. Watching the parents is perhaps the best part of the show.
Pageant Juice: Red Bull. A legal stimulant that moms give to their kids to counteract the toddler’s natural need for a mid-afternoon nap. This mid-afternoon slump inconveniently falls just when Wow Wear begins.
Pageant Crack: Pixie Sticks – pure sugar with a little flavoring added. This treat is given to boost the child’s energy even more. These come in handy paper straws so they can be tipped into the child’s waiting mouth without disturbing her lipstick.
Pageant Crash: the meltdown that inevitably occurs late in the day when the kid comes down from their Red Bull and sugar-induced high, after being poked, tweaked and urged to sparkle for 12 hours, and when they realize that some other little girl got a bigger trophy.
I coulda been a contender.
I wonder if my fascination with this show means that I, like the pageant moms on the show, secretly wish that I was a beauty queen. It’s possible. They didn’t have this kind of thing when I was a kid. Back then parents were concerned with raising kids who were well-behaved, respectful and God-fearing. They were weird that way. Most didn’t know that if they exploited their children when they were young, it would pay off big-time when said child grew up and starting earning serious cash appearing on “Where Are They Now?” and (semi) celebrity body/marriage/substance abuse/love-life rehab shows.
If my mom hadn’t wasted all her time feeding, diapering and raising nine kids and had, instead, invested in me, I’m sure I would have attained the top title of Ultimate Mega Sooper-Dooper Beauty Queen Diva Grand Supreme.
TLC is kicking things off with a Toddlers & Tiaras marathon today so we can get in the mood for the big season-opener tonight. I’m going to call in sick and sit around eating Cheetos in my jammies with my crown and scepter. Shhhh … don’t tell my boss.
Happy Toddler Day to all, and may the sparkle be with you!
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I know, Peg – my parents screwed up with me, too. Thanks to their insistence on honesty and hard work, I now have no mega career to support the indulgent lifestyle I think I’m entitled to. Sigh…off to work I go. Have fun gorging yourself on Cheetos tonight! My guilty pleasure was always Gene Simmons and “Family Jewels.” Now there’s a role model for a healthy lifestyle!! 😉
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Honesty and hard work??? What were they THINKing??? My sister was hooked on that Gene Simmons show, surprisingly. She’s not the “type” for reality shows, but something about it got her.
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I’m not the type for reality shows, either, but something about Gene’s caddish charm just snared me. When the show went off the air, I was briefly despondent, but I moved on…mostly.
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She was all atwitter about one show – either it was the last show, or he got married, or some such deal. I remember she actually hung up on my fascinating phone conversation just to watch it! Hmph.
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I would NEVER hang up on your stimulating conversation!
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…and yet you did. All because Gene Simmons was popping the question, as I recall. But I’m not bitter.
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I’m glad you don’t hold any grudges-I still don’t think I would hang up on you.
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How rude!! Shortly after the whole marriage thing, the show went off the air. I have a feeling Shannon was sick of cameras around her all the time. Not that I can blame her. But really, who would hang up on one of your fascinating conversations? Not I!!
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Yes, but you’re not my big sister, who thinks she can treat me however she wants. You, on the other hand, are clearly a woman of great discernment and impeccable taste.
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Damn! I had no idea I could have been exploiting my own kids this whole time! Is it too late to get my son on the “Teenagers & Terrible Angst” Show?
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Well, I think it is a little early for your daughter to appear on the teen-mom show by MTV … so have a little patience.
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Shudder, shudder. I hate that show.
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Who doesn’t? I have never seen it, only heard it mentioned. It’s absolutely irresponsible to make a show from those human tragedies. The wrong kind of fame is shown here!
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Obviously there are a lot of people who don’t hate it. I suspect they are desperate, immature young women who are scheming to get THEIR 15 minutes of fame by bringing another poor little baby into the world. Definitely the wrong type of fame.
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Whenever I watch some of those shows, I can’t help thinking “that young man/woman has a mother somewhere who is probably hiding behind the curtains, ashamed to leave the house.” Then it occurs to me that the mom is probably their manager.
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Dang. I never knew that I could have pushed my daughter into that world. By now she could have been keeping me in the manner I know I should really live in. Oh well and I have no granddaughters. Really messed up there. Any way, enjoy your Cheetos while we on the other side of the world miss out on this wonderful series.
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So sorry for your loss of opportunity. But maybe you could start a new series about more mature women behaving badly.
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(Isn’t there already a show about mature women behaving badly called Keeping Up with the Kartrashians?)
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Oh, right. They have 2 mature women – Kris and Caitlyn Jenner.
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You may be right, as, the 3 year old granddaughter is calling Caitlyn “grandma.”
Idle gossip, yet true, from up the PCH in Malibu…
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So you do watch reality TV. Gotcha!
I can’t get into that show, but my niece was in pageants. You would never know it and doesn’t take herself seriously at all. She is amazing.
I’ll try watching it again, if you’ll tune into Bachelor in Paradise.
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I admit it. I’m hooked. Everyone likes their own, special brand of poison, right?
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I think it’s the unpredictability of the unscripted filming that’s intriguing. That and mindless TV watching. I wrote a post while watching it last night. Ha!
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Sorry, Peg – I run screaming from reality TV…from most TV, actually. I’d rather spend my time dinking around in photoshop, weaving little metal rings into long ropes, wrapping wire around pretty stones or glass, or, if I get REALLY bored, housecleaning…
If you find a Cheeto in the shape of a unicorn, eat it JUST for me, OK?
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And you’re sooooo much more productive than I, because I waste all kinds of time staring at that damn boob tube. Although last night I was hand-sewing a fancy-schmanzy pillow cover for my daybed while I watched, so I claim all sorts of credit as a productive member of society.
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That is absolutely creditable, you uber-productive super-woman, you!!!
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The Learning Channel???? – What is everyone learning?
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Yeah, I think that name is a leftover from back in the day when they had educational shows. Although I must admit that I get a great education into the human mind from most of the programming.
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I’ve never seen the show. Is it like the grown up Miss Geographic Location pageants, with diaper competition instead of swimsuit like grown-ups have?
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It is, except the diapers are rhinestone-studded. You must watch so you can be culturally literate about the culturally illiterate.
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To hell with all the murder and conspiracy theories, I’m thinking JonBenet Ramsay probably committed suicide.
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Probably realized she was getting old and her best days were behind her.
But this line of conversation feels kinda tacky, so let’s just leave it, ‘k?
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Some “investigation” show is digging that poor child up all over again.
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So sad, Peg. So sad. Farewell to you as you dive back into the trash circus. You’re a bag of cheez its and pint of ice cream from being in Jackie Land. Hey, out of curiosity – where do you fall in those nine kiddos? They say the humor thing comes most often to the youngins.
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In this case, that rule is totally broken as I was #3 – one of the ruling class of the family known collectively as “the big girls.” The humor thing comes about because we were so loaded down with babysitting, diaper changing, cooking and cleaning duties to help our poor mom, that it was either find the funny or crack.
I’m adding ice cream to my viewing menu.
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I’ve never watched the show, so thanks for sharing, now I don’t need to!
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You didn’t miss much. My dreams were crushed.
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So sad, so sorry for you. Have a lovely day!
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The worst of humanity on display. It can be fascinating–and horrifying at the same time. Sorta like reading Stephen King? That’s when I get Cheeto-orange fingers.
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It was a big disappointment, Sandy. Guess I’ll have to try to find meaning in life outside of reality TV.
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Oh, now, that’s REALLY horrifying.
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Sorry it was so disappointing, Peg. I watched a few of those shows a few years back but couldn’t get into it. MK got me semi-hooked on the Gene Simmons show for a spell. She tried to get me hooked on Duck Dynasty but that didn’t last, thank goodness. Can’t take much of the so called Reality shows, because they’re, well, not real. But you enjoy your guilty pleasure sweetie!
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It was pretty lousy. But I did watch a new show on Tuesday that was cute, called “It’s Never Too Late” with Henry WInkler, William Shatner, George Foreman and Terry Bradshaw. It follows them as they visit Asia for the first time and it’s a series I think. Pretty funny.
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Thanks for watching and taking the bullet for the rest of us. 🙂
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I’m really selfless that way. You’re welcome.
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We all need our vices. Mine comes in a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. 🙂
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Good plan. B&J will never let a girl down.
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Toddlers and Tiaras, yes yes…yes. Makes me feel like such a good person, and the best mother ever, despite the face that I have neither children nor uterus.
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Are you implying the mothers on that show set the bar for Mother Of The Year rather low?
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Typically, this is one of the best repositories for humor but this made me a little sad inside. I don’t know. I think you might be better off with the blas for months.
So funny that it once stood for The Learning Channel. I’d completely forgotten that little factoid.
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Think of it as performance art, Exile. While you watch it, purse your lips, nod your head thoughtfully and comment how the ruffled ankle socks act as metaphor for issues of abandonment in modern society. Then it’s all good, right?
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Isn’t part of the appeal the voyeuristic delight that makes people feel, for all their problems, at least they’re not THAT crazy? Not enough of a reason for me to tune in.
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That’s definitely part of the appeal. I point to the screen and say, “see? I’m a GREAT mom compared to them!” And then I feel validated.
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That’s why I go to Atlantic City. If I’m feeling bad about my career or my salary or develop a case of class envy, I spend a day walking around AC. It convinces me I’m doing just FINE.
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The only thing missing is a video of you…watching this show. *grin*
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You would have seen me with a big frown of disappointment. They went even more toward making it all about adults behaving badly than the actual pageant experience. Hmmmph.
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Heaven help anyone who accidentally walks into a hotel when that show is in town or there’s audition for it going on. (Talk about sparkle – all those vendors and whining for baubles “that will make the difference and give the win!”)
Will make you run screaming out and dialing CPS
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I only had one son (not that that necessarily disqualified me from the how T & T scene, as you noted), so I missed out being one of “those” moms. I had a challenging enough time being a regular mom who didn’t misplace my son. Come to think of it, if he sparkled more, he would have been easier to find…
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Haha! Exactly. Put him in a pink tutu and a crown, sprinkle glitter all over him and you’d have no trouble finding him in a crowd.
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Especially since he’s now about 6’2″
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I think we should embrace our collective latent dream and take our blogs FULL GLITZ. Let me see how many Pixie Stix Amazon will let us order. It’s going to be a long night.
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Great idea! Getting my glue gun to bedazzle everything around this place.
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Are you serious about the Red Bull?? Why am I so surprised? I’ve watched one of these shows and it made me cry. Those poor poor children. Some countries would call this abuse but I fear the USA do not. It’s great that you found a good use for your old picture. Maybe you could give it another try on Facebook? 😀
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I am serious. Wish I wasn’t. I love that picture – it’s absolutely pitiful.
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I have never watched Toddlers and Tiaras but I did watch a few episodes of Honey Boo Boo, which were funny yet sad at the same time. Made me and my family feel less screwed up.
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