Professor Peg schools some wannabes.
Reality television is now an established staple of the American viewing diet. Although many can’t understand why anyone would want their dirty laundry and bad behavior exposed for the world to see, it’s obvious the reality TV industry has an unlimited pool of talent (?) from which to choose.
Do you want to be a reality TV star? Are you looking for a way to break through the log-jam of other wannabes like a shark plowing through throngs of swimmers at the beach?
I can show you how – the secret is crystal CLR.
The Peg-o-Leg Institute of Lower Learning is pleased to present our latest course:
Reality TV 101
After years of exhaustive research (aka watching TV until my eyes crossed) I’ve developed a soon-to-be-patented formula for getting to the top in this competitive industry: the CLR Method. It’s all about being Crude, Lewd & Rude:
Crude:
1) very simple and basic: made or done in a way that does not show a lot of skill
2) rude in a way that makes people uncomfortable; especially, talking about sexual matters in a rude way
No brains? No talent? No problem! We’ll explore the many ways you can turn your total lack of any traditionally admirable traits and achievements into reality gold by exposing your stupidity to the TV-viewing public.
Lewd:
1) sexual in an offensive or rude way; obscene, vulgar
You’ll spend hours in the speech lab perfecting techniques for dropping enough f-bombs (and other obscenity grenades) to boost ratings, but not so many the viewer can’t understand what you’re saying. We’ll also explore the fine line between oozing sex and being too raunchy to get past what little censorship still exists on modern television. We’ll show you how to walk that line for profit. After all, the goal is to be a reality star, not a porn star. (Porn star skill-sets are covered in our 200-level courses.)
Rude:
1) not having or showing concern or respect for the rights and feelings of other people; not polite
2) relating to sex or other body functions in a way that offends others
3) happening suddenly in usually an unpleasant or shocking way
You’ll learn to show a total lack of interest in anyone else’s feelings and focus exclusively on your own, petty, first-world problems. Extra emphasis will be placed on obsessing about your increasingly artificial physical appearance. Study will lead progressively to more advanced techniques, like how to express your feelings by tipping over tables and throwing chairs.
With our personalized instruction and hours of hands-on lab practice, you’ll soon be acting crude, lewd and rude all at the same time – the trifecta of reality TV.
Reality TV 101 is a core class in our (Crimes Against) Humanities Department, but may be taken on its own as an adult education class. Tuition is only $20,000 per semester. This paltry fee may easily be covered by a student loan guaranteed by the federal government (aka the American taxpayer.) Don’t worry about paying it back – that will be a piece of cake once you’re rolling in the dough as the star of your own reality TV show.
Call The Peg-o-Leg Institute of Lower Learning today, and soon you’ll be on your way to an exciting career as a famous reality star using the CLR Method. Have your credit card handy* – operators are standing by!
*If your credit card limits aren’t high enough, or are already maxed, The Peg-o-Leg Institute of Lower Learning has made arrangements with outside vendors for alternative financing:
– Dewey Cheetum National Bank: Have full financial information ready to complete a second mortgage application.
– ACME Organ And Pawn Shop: Have full medical information ready and be prepared for a physical. ACME is offering an extra 15% for kidneys during their back-to-school special!
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Reblogged this on Matthews' Blog.
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Thanks for the reblog!
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Sign me up! One of my strongest talents is table tipping.
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Maybe you could teach our advanced classes, Miss Hissy Fit?
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2) relating to sex or other body functions in a way that offends others
Given that Americans tend to take offence at EVERY mentioning of sex or other body functions (aren’t you lot the ones who invented the expression “no.1” and “no. 2” – when you mean pee and shit – sorry – urine and excrements?) I think everybody else must seem rude in your eyes.
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Not everybody…just most people.
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Very funny and offbeat and true.
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Thanks. Hope to see you at registration.
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I’m pretty sure crystal meth is involved in the production of, participation in and viewing of reality shows. That explains why I avoid both crystal meth and reality shows.
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Crystal meth…crystal clear…it’s all related, I’m sure.
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Thank whatever deity compels you, I cut my cable 5 years ago. Sounds like American TV has continued its decline in my absence.
Do you have the political Reality TV classes yet?
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Is that what politics is now? Reality TV? It certainly would explain a lot …
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It’s the only thing that justifies the volume of (former) actors we have had in elected positions in the near-past.
They’re not governing – they’re just playing a part.
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Politics lately is more theater of the absurd.
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Is this study program affiliated with Trump University? I was hoping to become a reality TV star with a real estate billionaire being a fall back career, and TU seems to have a better coverage of these majors.
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TU may “trump” us in certain areas, but we have a better football team.
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Awesome!
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Thanks.
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That’s all it takes? Really? I wish you’d said something earlier. I can tell by your snide tone you consider it lowering yourself but if it gets me off this goddamn commute/work/commute treadmill, deal me in.
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That snide tone is merely trying to hide my deep longing to expose my worst traits for fame and fortune. So ashamed.
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Absolutely fabulous!! Reblogged here: http://radenbrea.com/artisan-studio/
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Thanks.
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So well said! It seems to me that CLR is leaking out of reality TV into general television as well; to compete with reality TV?? Yesterday our Mystery Book Club discussed how many books in a series become increasingly dark and violent. Are the authors running out of good plot ideas, or are the publishers pushing them to write more graphically to increase sales.
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That does seem to be the trend in all entertainment, doesn’t it? I was watching a program last night and I couldn’t believe how scary and gory the movies and TV shows were that they were advertising during the program. Just the previews are enough to give me nightmares!
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I am so tempted to sign up for your course!. I can tell, by their mastery of the, core, CLR elements, that some of our, preeminent, citizen’s, possibly even a political leadership nominee, or two, are recent graduates. My key concern, is that your teachings have become too wide spread. I have, decided therefore, to go in a different direction. In a bid to stand appart from the rest, I have signed myself up for ellocution lessons. 🙂
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Good call. After this election I may sign myself up for electrocution lessons.
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I’m kind of a skeptical guy by nature. Now if you could show me some kind of celebrity endorsement of your school, say, Honey Boo Boo’s mother, then I might enroll.
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I saw her on a plastic surgery reality show the other night. She’s now got streaked hair, designer duds, etc. Now all she needs is a full plastic surgery overhaul and she’ll be ready for prime-time again!
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Great piece btw!
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Thanks ever so!
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Oh snap! I’ve have sworn you were going to write about Donald Trump.
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No, I’m kind of tired of hearing that name, as well as Hillary’s.
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I couldn’t agree more.
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Reality TV…the great misnomer and the bane of any legitimate TV producer on the planet. One of my favourite TV shows is called “UnReal”. It is a behind the scenes look at how a “reality” show and its participants are manipulated to do whatever they need to for the almighty ratings. Nothing about reality TV is real.
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I’ve seen ads for that and it looks interesting – do you recommend it?
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I love it! It is a train wreck that you can’t look away from. Coming from a background as a TV Producer…one that hates the reality TV format, I really enjoy watching how they lay it out there.
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Hands on lab? Your registration table should be swamped.
Looks like most public high schools are determined to prepare their students for your educational course! And people say they the school don’t set them up for success.
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Good point. The teen years seem to be all about the drama – why not show it on TV?
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They are the experts
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OK Peg were do I sign up and the cost? My mother always told us “not to air our dirty linen in public” but who listens to their mother anyway.
Can I have the names of one or two of the graduates – just don’t want to be caught up in any scam.
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My mother said the same thing. Obviously they didn’t want us to be rich and famous. Hmph.
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I’m so glad you’re teaching us how to be famous for being famous. I keep wondering how to do it. I wonder that when I’m cleaning the toilet, when I’m weeding the flowerbed, when I’m sitting in a meeting, surreptitiously doing other stuff…you know…doing the stuff that’s the reality of my days.
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Start cursing and throwing chairs while scrubbing the toilet – that makes it all a lot more interesting to the average viewer.
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