Photo of CEO Cap’n Satya “Microbeard” Nadella (the blackguard) courtesy of Microsoft. Though ’twere embellished a wee bit.
Look sharp, mateys! If yer ship be flying the flag of Windows 7 or 8, batten down the hatches and prepare to repel boarders. Cap’n Microbeard and his bloodthirsty band of pirates be sailin’ the interwebz’ stormy seas.
A co-worker turned on her computer last Monday morning and was hailed with a message congratulating her on upgrading to Windows 10. Shiver me timbers! We be sailin’ with Windows 7 on all the computers in our office and I don’t aim to change me allegiance – not now, anyways. Maybe later when all of me programs are compatible, but maybe never. That’s fer me, the captain, to decide. Leastways, it should be.
Microsoft thinks differently.
Their Windows 10 upgrade icon is stuck faster ‘n a barnacle to every ship in our armada, and it pops up more often than mermaids off the port side after double rations of grog.
“10 is great!” The screen trumpets.
“10 is fab!” The screen shouts.
“Upgrade to Windows 10 and you’ll lose 20 pounds, be 2 inches taller and never have to worry about unsightly ring-around-the-collar again!” The screen brays.
Belay that talk! It’s a constant peril, like sirens luring unwary sailors to their doom on the rocks. I warned me sailors to ignore the sirens’ song and plugged their ears with wax, but one gave in. She swears she didn’t, but the evidence was right thar on her screen. Nobody walks the plank unless’n it’s at the point of a sword, and computers don’t execute programs all on their own.
An hour later I had to eat me words.
I was sailing along in calm waters, checking emails, when me own screen turned the color of the deep blue sea and an announcement flashed across it that Windows 10 was being installed. That scourge of the seven seas, Cap’n Microbeard and his band of pirates, had their grappling hooks in me ship.
I didn’t go peaceful-like – hell no. I grabbed me cutlass and fought like a demon. I thrust, I parried, the sweat drippin’ into me eyes as I hit “Esc” and “Alt+Ctrl+Delete” over and over again. Cap’n Microbeard and his picaroons outnumbered us 100,000 to 1 and they kept on a-comin’ with fiendish strength. Twas clear the blackguards wouldn’t stop til they dragged us down to Davey Jones’ Locker. And installed Windows 10.
Me lads fought bravely, but we was losin’ ground. The counter on me screen inched its way from “0% installed” to “4% installed.” Cap’n Microbeard taunted me, the yellow-bellied son of a pox-ridden-whore, saying, “Do not turn computer off during program installation.” It looked like we was dead men, and they don’t tell no tales. In a last-ditch effort to save me trusty ship and crew, I tried one final, desperate act. I turned it off.
That did the trick. Cap’n Microbeard and his Microsoft cutthroats slunk off with their tails between their legs like the mangy dogs they is.
We bound up our wounds and surveyed the damage. The first ship, what they’d temporarily captured, was put to rights. Then I parleyed with some other ship captains on the interwebz. Turns out Cap’n Microbeard and his hornswaggler crew had been terrorizing the peaceful waters of the interwebz nigh on a year. Their attacks had become more frequent and bloodthirsty of late as they had vowed to capture every ship flying the Windows 7 and Windows 8 flags.
“Where’s the King?” We cried. “Why don’t his troops clap this blackguard in irons? “ Seems Cap’n Microbeard is more powerful than the King’s justice. Brigands now rule the seas of the interwebz.
Right sharp we posted lookouts in the crows-nest day and night, loaded our six pounders for action and changed our Windows Update security settings from “Install updates automatically (recommended)” to “Let me choose.” We warn’t to be caught sleeping again. After several days of smooth sailing we thought we’d seen the last of that brigand.
That’s me in the crows-nest, fighting valiantly.
That’s when he struck again.
The sentry in the crows-nest cried out, “Sail ho!” Our settings was still on “Let me choose,” but there warn’t no warning and no choosing involved – Windows 10 update commenced on its own on another one of me ships. Cap’n Microbeard musta come alongside and crept silently aboard; probably came up the anchor cable the way most rats do. He was trying to download Windows 10, yet again.
Scupper that! This time we was prepared and sprang into action with all hands on deck. We made short work of the business and soon had that bilge-rat and his followers over the side. But there warn’t no false sense of security for us this time. Sure as a case of the clap follows a trip ashore to crack Jenny’s cup, he would be back. What to do?
I parleyed on the interwebz again. Lawlessness now rules the operating system seas, and the King won’t protect us honest sailors, so other captains have taken matters into their own hands. They hired on mercenaries; brought ’em aboard to protect the crew and cargo from intruders. The scuttlebutt was that Cap’n GWX Control Panel and his gang was good. We hired ’em on.
I don’t like having strangers on me ship, and I ain’t sure I trust Cap’n GWX. Mayhap he’ll turn out to be as big a scalawag as Cap’n Microbeard. But a captain’s gotta do what she must to protect her own, so on we sail, uneasy, waiting to see if these calm waters will last.
To Cap’n Microbeard I say; avast, ye scurvy mongrel! If ye and your crew of slimy bilge rats try to board me ship again, you’ll feel the taste of me cat-o-nine tails on your backs afore you’re keelhauled. Or maybe I’ll make ye dance with Jack Ketch. Yer choice.
Arrrrrrrr!
Has Cap’n Satya “Microbeard” Nadella and his Microsoft crew tried to board your ship with Windows 10? Did they succeed? Are you as mad as I am? Can I get an ARRRRRRRRRR?
Check out the Pirate Glossary for more pirate lingo, mateys.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Funnily enough, we’ve were complaining at work today about the upgrade which happened last week on all our work computers. Everything’s different and I don’t like it!!!!
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Was it upgraded without your consent? That’s what frosts my cookies.
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My consent is irrelevant when it’s a work computer! When the university decides they want to upgrade everyone, then they upgrade everyone. We did get a week’s warning though in fairness, so we were able to psych ourselves up for it.
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That’s not so bad then, although I’m not a big fan of change in any way.
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Arrrrrrrrrrrrr! It’s hard to believe your a land-locked lass, matey.
I’ve been seeing horror stories about Windows around the Interwebs. My computer used to update at random times tossing me and my work overboard to the hungry sharks below. I bought a Mac. It has been yelping for an update for over a month now. I still have PTSD from my PC.
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You know, you SHOULD do updates now and then – let them run over night. But your security may depend on those updates.
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My PC and Mac have crashed. My Mac needed to be wiped, so I always want to back it up, just in case! #PTSD
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That’s a constant balancing act. You need the security, but sometimes the updates mess you up. I read somewhere that with smartphone apps you should NEVER update them.
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I know! The trick is to back everything up on a computer (in the phone’s case) or an external hard drive before backing it up, just in case!
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Arrrrrrr! These bastards jumped on my ship last week & sadly when my matey husband, who has no computer knowledge, was caught off guard when they boarded! I hate it!
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You have 30 days after you’ve been captured to go back – it’s in your Control Panel Security Settings. Don’t let them get away with piracy on the high seas!
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Well, Jim invited that yellow-bellied son of a pox-ridden-whore onto his ship on purpose! And then I put him on my small dinghy(laptop) too, like a well, dingbat. Now I use Chrome. Or Firefox. Or something, I don’t know, I hate computers with a passion….But this was very entertaining, me enjoyed the pirate talk very much.
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Me, too, with the hating of computers and loving of pirate talk, matey. And hoisting the mizzenmast to the bosun, arrrr!
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Windows 10 whether you want it or not… sounds a lot like other unwelcome things that are going on in your country right now.
I updated my laptop from Windows 8.1 to 10 as soon as I bought it. I far prefer 10 – seems more like Windows 7 in many ways.
My new computer purchase came with a one year subscription to Office 365. That is a dog of a program. As soon as my subscription ended, they froze all my office type files. I could look inside them, but I couldn’t even copy stuff from them. So I dug out my old copy of Office 2010, installed it, and am back in business. Take that, you Scurvy dogs!
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That really stinks. I installed an old copy of Office onto my new laptop, and when I downloaded some updates now my documents aren’t compatible. ARRRRR!!! I hate computers. Love what we can do with them, but hate them.
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Arrrrrgh. Mine updated overnight and there was no chance to make them walk the plank. Now everything is stored on the cloud which would be fan-f’ing-tastic if I could find anything.
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Call me a paranoid,old doo-doo head, but I don’t WANT everything about me stored on the cloud. Why can’t we choose THAT option?
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Reblogged this on strangegoingsonintheshed and commented:
Wonderful, a dark and bloodthirsty tale of shenanigans on the interwebz. Shiver me timbers!
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Thanks for the reblog, matey!
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That be dangerous territory you be in, thought I’d get you help to fight off them curs.
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I got more 10’s than I know what to do with. I don’t need Microsoft barging in on my turf.
And if they do try to board my PC, I know where my computer’s Off button is and I ain’t afraid to use it.
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Exactly. They’re stealing your trademark!
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And not just stealing, they’re forcing it on people, too!
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Aye, Peg-o-leg (btw, ye got a great pirate name, matey), them sea rats overwhelmed my ship o’ state months ago. They clapped me in irons til I vowed allegiance to their nefarious doings. I’ve agreed to hoist sail with dem blaggards until I can gets ashore to market, where I plans on snatching an Apple from the bin.
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I hate technology….period. Sigh.
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Hate seems a bit mild, but yes.
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I don’t think “hate” is understating the matter at all. Perhaps because we’re all a tad bit clueless when it comes to technology?
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Reblogged this on stevetanham and commented:
Anyone using Microsoft Windows be aware…
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Thanks for the reblog, ye salty dog!
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My pleasure, Cap’n!
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I was taken aback when MS said we could schedule our upgrades, and then provided me with an automatic upgrade. On the other hand, Windows 10 is a remarkable OS; hands down better than Windows 8 and 8.1. I am very impressed with it, and its going to be more impressive as more functionality is added through updates. Windows 10 is a paradigm changer; and probably the last formal version of Windows as new functionality is simply going to be added. This is no time to balk at stretching your mind and adding a few more skills to your repertory.
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It’s not so much that I balk at stretching my mind – although that is GENERALLY the case – it’s that I resent having this forced on me. How dare they come into MY property and download a program that I did NOT request?
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I’ll take that arrrrrrrr and add a ‘gh.’ Arrrrrrgh! I have a Mac, but I’ve been reading about this with others, and get to experience this every time I log on to Anthony’s computer. Rrr.
I was about to devolve into haging at all the notifications and data-stealing trickery I loathe among software vendors when I realized … I should just leave it at arrrrrgh. 🙂
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You’re so right – the data stealing and following you around as you view. It’s such a huge invasion of privacy. Don’t you have those problems with Macs?
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Ha! As I was reading, I was wondering how you got so damn good at piratese all of a sudden. Thought it was just another of your hidden talents, Peg-O-Matey!! I’ve been inundated with cartoon pirate talk lately, what with my son’s many many MANY viewings of Mickey Mouse’s Pirate Adventure. Arrrrggghhh.
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Hi there, kiddo – how’s life treating you? Micky Mouse, eh? Sounds like pretty advanced stuff. My kids used to want to watch the same thing over and over and over….must be comforting to them.
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Looks like they made you walk the plank, Peg! I have a Mac, but it’s been bugging me to upgrade for months now. From past experience I know that the upgrade will suck up all the memory left on my computer and slow everything waaay down. But at some point they’ll stop supporting the old platform. Grrr!
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My dad has an old WindowsXP system and it works just fine for him, but he said last night that he got a notice that they won’t support that system anymore. I said keep using it until it dies.
I thought Macs were perfect – that’s what all my Apple friends say. I need a new phone, desperately, but I don’t want to make a change and I don’t what an iPhone so I keep limping along with this one. It hangs up after it thinks I’ve talked too long. It’s like it’s my mother.
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Hmm…I think your phone is the next generation product for PegCo, Inc. (Do you have any longwinded friends? Get them this phone!)
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I like the cut of your jib. (see how I worked the pirate talk in there? See?)
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Okay, thanks for the heads up. I guess, I’ll stop leaving my computer unattended to go off and have lunch. It’s quite peevy abuse that MS upgrades without consent (although it’s probably somewhere in the fine print.) Good to know about the take-back option in the control panel. Thanks.
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I hate to think you’ll never get to eat again, Barb. Maybe you can hire some mercenaries to sit around and guard your computer at lunch time?
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I’m still mourning the loss of XP. When my BF and my cat colluded to destroy my laptop …
(BF+cat+laptop+bowl of mik & cereal = well – everyone can do simple maths…)
I had to buy a new computer, which came pre-installed with 7. I grudgingly dealt with this new ‘latest and greatest’ (P)OS – comparing it to XP and sour-grape-ing the entire computer experience.
Last Monday, Captain Microbeard infested my computer with 10. As I’m still in XP mourning, one (P)OS is as good as any other (P)OS.
My only hope is, when I finally snap from the pressure, there’s video capturing my every move – because the fury will be YouTube PLATINUM.
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I miss XP too. Why did they ever change it? The best thing I can say about 10 is that it’s not 8. I hate that one. I have 7 on my office computer, 8 on my home desktop and 10 on my new laptop. I think I have too many computers.
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Someone’s been reading ‘Captains Courageous’ before bedtime. Pirates are funny unless they’re from Somalia.
I hate to admit this but I think 10 is a step up from what I had. I’d been running Windows Vista, so we’re talking about eight years ago, which is a looooong time in computer gadget-y things.
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True about the Somalia pirates. Real life pirates aren’t quaint, fun or colorful.
I miss XP. Now THAT was an operating system! And I realize I sound like an old geezer.
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I’m way older than you are. Don’t flatter yourself. I get the gold. You barely qualify for tin.
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Automatic updates make me so angry. This happens more and more with so many different operating systems and programs. They update and change everything without your permission, or perhaps you gave them permission as part of a twenty page ‘Terms & Conditions’ you clicked without reading. Apple is constantly making little updates and even if you insist on being notified, you may inadvertently agree to let some other program update without explicit consent.
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And this particular update is so blatant. It literally highjacked our computers while we were doing something else and went ahead no matter what I did to try and stop it. I was going to liken the experience to rape except that topic isn’t very, you know, funny.
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Adobe used to automatically update and restart the computer without my permission. I’d walk away from my desk and come back and it would be at the login screen. Everything I’d been working on had been closed and occasionally things would be lost. Apple has updates that changed your previous ‘opt in or out’ choices on the Cloud and automatically searched your computer for duplicate music it had in its system and deleted it without asking and told you it was now in the Cloud.
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