You can’t watch Bravo, E! and other highbrow TV channels, or pass magazines like Us Weekly or Star in the check-out lane at the grocery store without being bombarded with pictures of the Beautiful People. How did they get that way? More importantly: how can YOU get that way?
For the first time ever, secrets once known only to the Beautiful People are revealed to you, the Unwashed Masses. Here are my 10 Beauty Tips for Beautiful Beauty:
1) Be young.
I recommend being 16 years old. Time, sun and gravity are all fighting against you and they start winning the battle once you pass 20. Any younger than 16, however, and the benefits of firm, youthful skin are outweighed by the flesh-crawling-creepiness of the realization that the sex god or goddess being lusted after is little more than a child.
If those sexy children are professional models selling beauty and fashion products, however, it’s OK. This is considered normal business practice.
2) Be rich.
Poor people have to spend their money on non-beautifying items like “food” and “shelter.” This leaves very little spending cash for essentials like $1000 per half-ounce face cream made from baby beluga whale testicles, which elixir is guaranteed to possibly temporarily reduce the appearance of fine lines when viewed in extremely murky light.
In this area, less is never more: more is more. More money is always more betterer when pursuing beauty.
3) Pick good parents.
Scientists say genetics are perhaps the single most important determinant of health, and the same goes for beauty. It’s crucial to select your parents carefully because when you look at them, you’re looking at your future. Ask yourself:
- Do Mom’s jowls keep quivering for 5 minutes after she stops shaking her head?
- Does Dad’s paunch make people ask when the baby is due?
- Do the varicose veins on Mom’s legs look like a New Jersey road map?
- Does the top of Dad’s head resemble the “before” picture in a Sy Sperling Hair Club commercial?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, you may want to consider trading these parents in for better models.
4) Have big lips.
The tiny, bee-stung mouth was all the rage in the Roaring Twenties, but times and fashions change. Now you have no chance at being considered beautiful unless your lips are roughly the size and color of a baboon’s ass in heat. Good thing you’re rich (see Tip #2) so you can afford to have tissue from dead people surgically implanted in your lips, a procedure known as the “Real Housewife.”
5) Avoid stress.
Stress causes wrinkles which make you look old, which is not young, and therefore not beautiful (see Tip #1.) Some of the major life stressers to avoid are:
- Jobs
- Family
- Friends
- Thoughts of renouncing your U.S. citizenship if either Trump or Clinton gets in
“How,” you may ask “can I avoid these things?”
If you have already followed Tip #2 and are rich, you are well on your way to minimizing stress. You can afford to ignore people and situations you don’t like. You can spend your days at the spa listening to calming, New Age music while pursuing the latest money-is-no-object beauty treatment, like having your body slathered in mud made from pulverized lava from Mount Vesuvius, 14k gold dust and Peruvian llama urine.
It is a tiring regimen, I know, but nobody said that being beautiful was easy. Anything truly worthwhile in life rarely is.
6) Hang out with ugly people.
Make sure you are always the best looking in any group by only socializing with those who are uglier or fatter than you – preferably both at the same time. Clever people learn this tactic in junior high and perfect it in high school.
If the ugly people around you are your parents, however, you may be in trouble (see Tip #3.)
7) Avoid the sun.
The sun causes wrinkles which make you look old. As we have already learned (see Tip #1) being young is vital for beauty so avoid the sun at all costs. The problem is that hot young surfer babes and studs look even hotter with a deep suntan. Alas, the very thing that enhances beauty in the short run will destroy it in the long run. This is what we call a Beauty Conundrum.
Your best bet is to lie out in the sun a lot when you’re 16, and then stay that age.
8) Be dumb.
Thinking involves concentration, and most people knit their brow and purse their lips when they do that. These activities lead to wrinkles, assuming your lips haven’t been so stuffed with cadaver tissue that they can no longer move.
Besides, it is a truth universally acknowledged (in every teen movie and Rom-com made in the last 30 years) that smart people always have glasses, pull their hair back in tight buns and wear sensible shoes. They can’t possibly be beautiful.
There you have it. Learn my 10 Beauty Tips for Beautiful Beauty and follow them faithfully and soon you, too, will be beautiful. Couple your newfound beauty with behavior that even trailer-trash would consider tacky, and you might catch the eye of a reality TV producer. Someday YOU may be one of the Beautiful People staring out at the Unwashed Masses from the cover of a check-out lane magazine.
You’re welcome.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Firstly, why does it say 10 beauty tips, but there are only 8? Was this a test? Does this mean that I am not dumb enough to be beautiful? How many of the list do we have to qualify for to be beautiful? If it’s all of them, then I’ve lost, but if it’s just a few then I’m good (I’m not saying which ones though).
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What about Second – you started with a Firstly, after all? Or are you now testing us and Peg?
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Darn it! I think I must have lost count after Firstly.
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VJ is just proving how beautiful she is.
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Muphry’s law is an adage that states: “If you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.” (The name is a deliberate misspelling of Murphy’s law.)
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So true. Thank you for clarifying that the misspelling is deliberate.
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Oh, I have just copied the Wikipedia-entry …
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I can’t believe you left out the MOST important beauty tip! Get plastic surgery! Even if you’re not rich, hock the house, and let’s face it, those kids don’t need a college education (we want them dumb and pretty, right?) Liposuction, face lift, tummy tuck, do it all! It worked so well for Cher, Priscilla Presley and Renee Zellweger!!
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Definitely! Why stop at the lips when the entire body is ripe for surgical improvement?
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These are wonderful. Witty and clever. It’s such a cruel blow Mother Nature dealt us by making tanned skin look better than pale skin by hiding those veins, lumps, and bumps, and then making tanning so dangerous. Enter the fake tan. And the chemical smell that despite a product’s promises, never quite disappears.
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I use that junk on my legs in the summer to hide all that stuff you mentioned and you’re right – the chemical smell never disperses. Why is beauty so HARD???
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I wish I knew. I also wish I could get past the vanity that makes me use it on my legs as well.
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“more betterer”
You are the bestest when it comes to grammar, Peg!
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Thank you the mostest.
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Your welcome 😉
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I love this and I hate this. Haha! Great post!
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It’s true and it’s funny and it’s sad.
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Hey did you intentionally leave out make the mirror your best friend and perfect the pouty duck lips pose for selfies (A pose that has been replaced recently by another goofy one that I’ve forgotten…do you have to have a good memory or no memory to be beautiful?)
Hilarious post
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You have pouty duck lips 24/7 when you’ve had your lips surgically enhanced.
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Pouty Duck Face – I think we were poking the same ant bed earlier this week – pouty post today that was started over the weekend.
(I’ll never make constructed beautiful – too afraid of needles and “if anything can go wrong…”)
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“A procedure known as the “Real Housewife.” — Peg you are brilliant and wicked. Only troubles I see with you are that you aren’t 16 and you can’t count very high. Other than that, though, Peg, you’re Aces!
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I never said I was smart. Do you see any sensible shoes around here???
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Bonus tip. Kill anyone who says to you “it’s more important to be beautiful on the inside.”
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I don’t know anyone who would say something like that. You’re obviously not hanging out with the Beautiful People.
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Yeah, they pulled my card several years ago.
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You guys crack me up. Seriously, I laughed out loud. My hubster even asked what I was laughing about. Carry on… 🙂
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That Al is trouble.
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One word. Photoshop.
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When are they going to come out with a version that can correct reality?
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They already have. It’s call near-sightedness. Just stand back a little and viola!
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Wait. Far-sightedness. You get my drift. You just need to hang out with the over 40 crowd.
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I think I already do, but my eyesight is so bad I can’t tell HOW old they are.
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I wish I could leave a witty comment, but that would require thinking and would likely cause wrinkles I’m just not rich enough to prevent.
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I was going to say that was a smart call, but I don’t want to insult you.
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Pingback: as a contrast to what I wrote last time I present to you the latest blog post of one of my favorite bloggers! – the world of satu bell
This tight bun on my head pulls the wrinkles out of my forehead but it messes with my concentration. You seem to be holding out on two of the steps. This is a hoax, isn’t it?
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The last 2 steps are fill-in-the-blanks.
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Thank you for these stellar tips! I’m going to get right on every single one. Some might be easier than others, but I’m up for a challenge.
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That’s the kind of can-do attitude that makes this country beautiful!
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I was rocking #6 until people starting asking if they could hang out with ME. In fact, they were demanding it. Sigh. Since it is impossible to avoid the sun here (and thus wrinkles) I have embraced rule #9. Hang out only with those of my friends who drink a lot…they think I’m gorgeous.
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Rule #9 was implied. Thanks for getting it so perfectly.
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Hmph! I thought starting a blog was going to take care of all of these things magically. Once I got rich off the blog, all of these things would fall into place.
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“Got” rich? As in past tense? Please share your secrets for blogging wealth – do tell!
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Well, it looks like I am going to have to be satisfied with being in the almost ran column of People Magazine. Thanks for the laugh.
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All publicity is good publicity…just ask any Kardashian/Jenners.
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I see you have already integrated the habit of the young, rich, and beautiful by holding back 20% of the secrets. Way to assimilate!
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Since I have no shot at those 3 list items, I have to work with what I have.
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I’m too busy being ticked off that all the shoes that fit my orthodontic inserts look like my German granny’s clunckers. Why can’t they make attractive stilettos with arch support and big ol’ toe boxes? (And Doc Martens don’t count). I’m going off to sulk and work on your list.Thanks.
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This is so sadly true. I still want to wear cute shoes – why can’t they accommodate my aging, spreading feet in style AND comfort?
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Sad but true!
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That’s why it’s sad. 🙂
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My beauty secret? I always make sure to maintain the “bitch resting face”. Sure, people don’t like me, but less wrinkles.
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Or resting bitch face…whatevs, I don’t care because if I did I’d get more wrinkles.
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Also I’m going to the hair salon this weekend and I’ll be sure to ask for the Benjamin.
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Haha! I had to think about that one. You crack me up, girl. You so funny.
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No, you funny. Your photoshop skillz are top-notch! Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have a full lustrous head of money hair….
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Something tells me you’d never have trouble finding a good stylist.
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Or you could rest on bitches’ faces – that might work. Go over to the Kardashian/Jenner abode and sit on their plastic mugs.
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Baboon-ass lips. Sorta like those wax lips we used to chomp on as kids?
I get a kick out of the gals at the Y. Here I come with my one little bag with shampoo and some lotion to fight the pool’s chlorine itch. I take up a teeny little corner at the counter. But the young, fit, beautiful (in my opinion) women next to me unload a whole locker of STUFF. Oh, girls, I want to say. None of it matters. You’ll all end up looking like me.
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Ha! It’s kinder not to tell them, Sandy. I don’t think 20-year-old me could have handled the reality of 56-year-old me.
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This is stupid! What if a person (I’m not saying me. Just a person in general.) is old, poor, had dumpy parents, is thin-lipped, stressed out, and likes the sun? What is that person supposed to do?
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The future is not all that rosy for that person, beauty-wise. He or she had better develop a stellar personality. Not that THAT would make up for it, but it helps a little.
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Tell me about it.
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I’m not sure you’ll convince Madison Avenue to get behind your message.
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Yeah, they’re a lot more high-minded than I am. How’s your tour going? Are you still in the US?
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The US tour was a lot of fun. I also toured Southeast Asia and I’m now briefly back in China. I’ll try and do NY in July and then I’m off to Edinburgh for all of August. After that we’re permanently back in the US.
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I thought this was hilarious and a great read! I’m just getting in to blogging and this really is terrific inspiration! 😍😍
Redbeaute.wordpress.com
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laughed my ass off when I read this! its so true and shocking!
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And yet so simple. Follow these few rules and you’ll always be beautiful.
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hahaha yes indeed! I will try my best! cant promise anything! :’D
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I plan to share your post in my blog https://hellocreativestimes.com. Since you have enabled sharing on your post, I am assuming that you are allowing others to share this post. However, if you have any objection to sharing your post, please let us know as soon as possible. Thank you.
🙂
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That’s fine – thanks!
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You have wonderful blog.Thanks. 🙂
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