Nothing is certain but death and taxes.
(Death occurring while on-hold waiting to talk to someone about taxes is not certain, merely a very distinct possibility.)
Has this ever happened to you? You’re trying to do your taxes, there’s one wee smidge of the tax code you don’t understand, and you call the IRS for guidance. Your call is answered promptly and courteously by a real human being who not only cares about you, but knows the answer and gives it to you immediately.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one, right? Sometimes I slay me.
But seriously, folks…
I doubt there is a single person living on this earth who wouldn’t rather have his or her eyeballs plucked out by rabid crows than call the cable TV company, a health insurer, or any sort of governmental agency. But sooner or later we all have to make those calls. That means endless, frustrating hours of on-hold wait time. What do you do when you’ve been in the queue for an hour and you have to pee so bad you’re hopping up and down like a rabbit on speed? Or when your mouth is drier than the testimony at a congressional subcommittee hearing?
Introducing, the On-hold Survival Kit from Peg-Co.
Since I’m an insurance agent in real life, as opposed to a fabulously wealthy, famous writer (which fact is practically a crime against humanity) I spend much of my day on the phone with outfits like The Indigo Plus Sign Insurance Company. This experience has given me valuable insights, which I’ve used to assemble this vital resource for you.
Beverage Dispenser: Keep hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold, and both within sipping range with our hands-free beverage dispenser, shown above. It’s also a fashion statement!
Bathroom In A Box: After several refreshing drinks, your bladder may be sending out emergency evacuation signals. Now you can go, without going anywhere.
Articulated Grasp Extender: You might as well get some work done 
while you wait, but the Jones file is just out of reach of your phone’s extension cord. Keep the world at your fingertips with our ever-popular grabber dealio.
Physical Therapy Resource: Even the most dedicated work-slave needs a break now and then. Have hours of fun and develop your hand/eye coordination at the same time with this sophisticated piece of equipment.
Gluteus Maximus Minimus Chairius: Just because your frustration is maximus doesn’t mean your bottom has to be. Swap out your office chair for our exercise ball, keep your backfield in motion and tone up while you’re tuned in to that awful, on-hold music.
Extended Wait Cocoon: You’re in this thing for the long haul, but night is falling and so are your eye lids. Our cushiony, warm, Wait Cocoon comes with a handy access portal so you can bring the phone handset in with you while you stretch out.
With Peg-Co’s On-Hold Survival Kit, you’ll be as comfortable as humanly possible while you endure what some theologians consider the moral equivalent of spending eternity in purgatory. Don’t delay – call today!
And, if you call within the next 30 minutes, we’ll include, at no extra charge, our:
Frustrational Overloadium Stress Reliever: This little item really comes in handy when a warm body finally comes on the line after you’ve been waiting for 6 hrs and 43 minute. He or she listens to your complaint/question and then puts you back on hold while they “research your situation.” It turns out this is Corporate Speak for “hang up on you.”
Call now – Peg-Co operators are standing by*!
*Unless they’re busy helping other customers, in which case you may experience a brief hold.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
The last one is all so very true.
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That’s the worst – the very worst.
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I can’t call Verizon unless I’ve got about :45 minutes to carve out of my life so thank you very much for these useful tips. Sorry you had to walk through the pyres of hell yourself to compile them. Did you know you you’re chosen profession would lead to all that suffering when you set out?
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you know you you’re
So intelligent. I should ‘like’ my own comment.
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I already liked it for you.
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Personally, if they are going to leave me on hold that long, I take the phone with me. they deserve to hear me, ummm, flush.
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Ha! I like how you think, Elyse.
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I, too, work in a field where I have to call a lot of different companies and sit in a lot of hold situations. I fold origami.
One particularly long stint on hold with WalMart’s payables department (yea…it’s as bad as you imagine…) I managed to fold 4 cranes, 6 Lilly of the Valleys, 2 gift boxes, and had about half a REAL complex tessellation folded before I finally reached a living, breathing human.
But that’s better than the alternative – which is chewing off a finger or 2 in sheer boredom.
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Wow, that’s a lot more refined and productive than my usual on-hold activity – playing Free Cell Solitaire.
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I think of being on hold with the IRS or Comcast as an opportunity – I can binge-watch Netflix for hours while at the same time supposedly doing something productive.
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Talk about a silver lining!
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“Extended Wait Cocoon”—Haha! The hubs could have used that the other night when he was on the phone for two hours with the cable company. (Our internet was down.) He was using our landline, which we rarely do, so of course the battery started to beep. I rushed to get him a second handset, then that too started to beep. Luckily we have a third hand set. Guess it’s time to buy some new landline phone batteries. Maybe that should come in your kit too!
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Great idea! I’ll get our Order Fulfillment Engineers working on the phone phone/batteries angle. Here at Peg-Co, we’re always willing to learn and grow.
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The cable company could learn something from you.
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Good grief Ms. Peg you have the gift! Could you please compile all your drawings and send them to me? They will be a great “study” next time I need to call Verizon, no, wait, they were bought by Frontier, call them, no, wait, they don’t change info over til Sunday, call Verizon back, no, wait call Frontier back, no, we can’t help you this week, neither company can help anyone, the computers are still swapping your info…blah blah blah. And none of the 8 fools I spoke with knew this???
That was yesterday’s 45 minute nightmare phone call to Verizon….grrrrr.
Yes, we are truly living in an impersonal techy age. And it’s a double-edged sword. How about the Indian call centers where “Tom from California” answers your call. (They are no more from California then most people in California). These operators not only have to westernize their native tongues by studying for months on how to drop their accents, but they have to change their names and say they are from somewhere in Britain or a US state. At work and on the street they are called “Tom.” They don’t even call each other by their real names anymore. Then, to add injury to insult, we (the people who call in) blast them for taking “our” jobs and ruining our economy.
If/when my call lands in an Indian call center, I always tell them that their curry combinations are spectacular, and their children are the sweetest in the world.
Been there twice, the children are creative and clever tour guides and the food is the best. But I never met a “Tom.”
🙂
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You’re very generous to the Indian customer service guys named “Tom.” I tend to get annoyed with the fake names and the difficulty in understanding the accents often. Good reminder to be more tolerant.
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I’ve got a really great comment, maybe the best one I’ve ever posted, you’re going to double over with laughter…….. hold on a minute, I’ve got a call coming in………
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May I expect to hear from you again in, say, 5 hours?
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Not to brag, or anything, but, I have a cordless phone. #humblebrag
🙂
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That’s about the humblest of humble brags I’ve ever heard.
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8D
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I was wondering when Peg-Co would develop some new products. I might use this when calling the airlines. Can you add some valium into your product offerings?
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Sure! Salesmen are standing by…in the alley around the corner.
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I let my daughter do my taxes. she can deal with the craziness. I always find an easy chair before I call any utility company. I use the cordless in case I have to move around. The bank is 10 minutes whether I go in, call or go on line. something is always down.
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Sounds like you’ve got this all worked out – good for you!
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I love the balls, bounce bounce bounce…dang rolled over again. Do your kits come with insurance?
Despite my policy of not calling anyone, ever there is always that one call you have to make isn’t there? I think it isn’t the people that make me crazy, nor is it the hold times, not this either. It is the automation…if this then press and then “I am sorry we didn’t get that”…well then get this, “Person”.
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I hate that the most, too. I keep saying “customer service” to the automaton, over and over, in an increasingly loud, annoyed tone of voice, hoping against hope to reach a human being.
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I just say “Person”. Louder and Louder. Then I usually say something really rude and obnoxious, usually that works.
Weird.
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Ditto on the last being the worst….only topped by once you finally get a real live human – your phone runs our of battery and goes silent.
(Or after those basic scripted company greeting words, the representative starts saying “Hello? Hello? Are you there? Are you still on the line?” then they are silent and click. It’s not the phone – I know it’s not my phone. Quit toying with me!)
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