Football referees signal “off sides” by putting their hands on their hips. They probably think they invented that gesture, but…pffft. Amateur hour. Women have been using this move to send signals since the Stone Age, when Oog first staggered back to the cave drunk on fermented mastodon pee after a night out with his buddies.
Here are a few common messages this gesture may be sending.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Both hands rest on the hips, the head juts slightly forward and the brow is lowered.
This is used to convey the vital message, “you got some ‘splainin to do.” Also, “you are in deep doo-doo.”
This woman is not trying to attract. No, she wants answers and she wants them right, damn now. The same posture may be used along with a wide variety of interrogatory phrases designed to gather important facts like:
- Who were you with?
- What do you have to say for yourself?
- Where have you been?
- Why in the world did you do that?
- How in the hell did this happen?
Most of us first encounter this gesture from our moms, who are likely to end any of the accompanying questions with, “young man/ lady.”
Later in life, any wife or girlfriend worthy of the title can wield this gesture with the finesse of a skilled butcher using a sharp knife to fillet a side of beef. She might add the affectionate title, “buster,” to the end.
If this woman’s hands are clenched into fists, you may kiss your ass goodbye.
Helloooo? I DON’T have all day, here!
One hand cups the hip, which is cocked to the side. The other leg extends forward and the head is to the side. An exaggerated sigh and a possible eye roll usually accompany this pose.
The message here is, “I have just about had it.” This is another statement that often ends in, “buster.”
If the woman standing like this is a loved one, this may signal the calm before a storm. Seek cover. If she is a customer, she is telling you that she is either just about to walk out, or she is going to ask to speak to your boss.
Beauty Queen
One hand on hip, fingers straight, one leg slightly in front of the other, and back erect. The other hand will often be executing the signature fingers-together, full upper-arm, pivot-at-the-elbow wave that is peculiar to beauty queens.
This pose doesn’t scream sex; it’s all about good posture. The message being conveyed is, “I have spent the last 10 years walking around with a book on my head.” Also, “obviously, I’ve got all the right equipment. You can look, but don’t touch.”
Slightly Slutty Selfie
One hand on a cocked hip, leg bent, back arched and boobs up-thrust. This makes the arm looked toned and emphasizes the curve of breast to waist to hip.
Almost everyone with a smart phone camera and a Facebook account (which would be everyone in the Western world) has taken a selfie. This particular version has been snapped by women ranging from 12-year-olds, who should be too young to know anything about it, up to 50-year-olds, who should be old enough to know better. The vast majority of women striking this pose are in their 20s and 30s.
The message is, “don’t I look good? Don’t you wish you had some of this?” Also, “I am NOT cheap and easy…but I might be easy-ish if you ply me with enough drinks.”
The Slightly Slutty Selfie is usually taken when out and about at the latest, hot nightspot. It may also be snapped at home in front of the bathroom mirror. (Photo hint, ladies: when selfying in your bathroom mirror, if you first clean up the globs of toothpaste spit and underarm stubble-studded shaving cream in your sink, it lessens the risk that viewers will be distracted from how hot you look.)
Slightly Slutty Siamese Twins
This version of the Slightly Slutty Selfie involves two hot babes who look like they’ve been joined at the hip. Their curves are even more exaggerated and their boobs are thrust together so aggressively they may end up smushed.
The message being sent here is, “remember that Naughty Schoolgirls NR video with the girl-on-girl action you saw when you were 16? Remember? Yeah, well, that’s probably not going to happen. But if you buy us some drinks you can fantasize about it for a while.”
The problem with this pose is that unless you can find someone else to do it, one of you is going to have to take the picture. The picture-taker risks exposing arm flab and her straightened posture is bound to make her boobs look saggier and her waist thicker than her gal pal. A Selfie-Stick won’t work when you need to snap two hot babes, so what’s a girl to do?
Have no fear, Peg-Co* to the rescue with another fine addition to our Social (Climbing) Media product lineup.
Introducing, the…
Bimbo Akimbo Selfie Harness (aka the BASH)
Here’s how it works. First, plug one end of our patented Watch The Birdie remote picture taker into the port on your phone. It connects via microscopic, fiber cable to the clicker you hold in your hand. Put your phone in the cradle on the end of the BASH, slip the harness over your shoulders, put on your best suggestive smirk and press the clicker – it’s that simple!
The BASH is made of strong, lightweight, clear Lucite so it’s practically invisible in photos. It is designed to hold the camera up and to the side far enough away to get both of you in the picture and minimize unsightly double-chinnage. With the BASH, you’ll take perfect Slightly Slutty Siamese Twins Selfies every time.
Peg-Co’s Dream Fulfillment Team is standing by to take your order. Have your credit card handy and call now!
*Peg-Co is a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries. Our motto: We’re thinking deep, so you can stay shallow.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions.
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My daughter taught me the slightly slutty selfie when we were in Europe. I was recovering from BC surgery and my pictures were horrid! With one hand on my hip my face looks so much better. I’m on hold for my BASH right now!!
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Sorry for the long hold times – be sure your call is very important to us.
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I’ve definitely done the first two poses, but I’ll leave it to my younger sisters to do the rest of them.
Christmas is coming up, and this week is Black Friday. Keep your phone and computer handy for all those incoming orders. When your ship comes in, you can then pay my way to come visit you, and we can take old[er] lady selfies. Deal?
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Deal! Waiting for the money to roll in now.
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Love this! So funny!
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Thanks, Lynn.
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I don’t do selfie at all. Except if you consider walking away from a camera on stand to put me with/in/together with the landscapes when doing photography for my photo blog a selfie.
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I guess that’s a kind of selfie, although it sounds much more artistic than the usual deal.
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Then selfie exists already for a long time.I thought it’s part of today’s hype 🙂
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Great post! Do you have a Peg-Co ‘Draw Clothes on Anything’ App so your readers can create fantastic graphics too?!
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Thanks, Margie. Yes, but since it’s the “Paint” program that comes on every old computer, I haven’t found a way to make money off it yet. 😦
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What a great gift idea this Christmas! My husband wants to know if the slightly slutty Siamese twins are included in the price?
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No, he’s going to have to go out trolling bars at night and find his own, just like every other guy.
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I’m not into selfies, but I’m definitely into scowls, so I can relate.
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How about scowling selfies? That work for you?
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Uh oh. I’m not sure it’s a good thing that the one I’m most familiar with is the “What do you have to say for yourself? pose.” Guess I better work on the rest. Now, where is my phone?…
Great post, Peg!
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Yeah, that one comes totally naturally to me. I’d feel like a combo doofus/buffoon if I tried the Slightly Slutty variety.
Thanks, Carrie!
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Awesome! I just started my Christmas list, and I’ve added the BASH right at the top!
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Great! You’ll be able to take a Slightly Slutty XXXMas photo with Santa!
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I ordered my BASH last week. I haven’t gotten any email confirmations on shipping yet. HELP!
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So sorry, Other Peg, but we’ve been overrun with orders. In the meantime just use a photo, any photo, of any 2 of the Kardashians and Photoshop your head on one of them.
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Brilliant idea!
There’s a reason they pay you the big bucks!
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Will you still remember your friends when this product makes you a multi-gazillionaire?
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I will if you send me a good picture of yourself. May I recommend the Slightly Slutty Selfie?
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Only “Slightly”? I think I’ll go for the “Whole Hog” Slutty Selfie with the stripper pole.
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Now that just cracks me up. What a visual, and I don’t even know you. 🙂
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Don’t encourage her, Tar!
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Guess I’ll smile and let you two ladies decide our fate.
Enjoying the banter on this cold November night.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
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And to you, Tar!
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It takes very little to encourage me. Usually it’s a good belly laugh. But I’m not sure I’d appreciate that while I’m being super sexy.
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You really don’t want the visual …
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I suggest pairing BASH with a smartphone app that removes toothpaste and shaving cream spots from the selfie photos, and maybe ever so slightly make existing curves a little curvier.
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Brilliant! Just threw that idea (along with some dog food) into the Peg-Co Engineer Bullpen.
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I personally enjoy the You’re Not Fooling Anybody, otherwise known as taking a selfie in a low-cut top while holding an item and captioning it “Look at my adorable new kitten/shoes/oven mitts!” when the shot was clearly composed for the sole purpose of showing off maximum cleavage.
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Is that what they’re doing? And I thought most young women were just really, REALLY proud of their oven mitts.
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I DO remember that naughty schoolgirls video! It was awesome!
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Shame, shame.
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Don’t judge!
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This is hilarious. Thanks for a great post!
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Delightful. I may need dozens of the DASHes for Christmas gifts.
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You can never have too many.
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Might I order extensions to my BASH? It will require several miles to cover my unsightly double-chinnage.
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It’s one size fits all, Sandy. You’ll be fine!
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Hmm. Tell that to all my chins.
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Your stick figures are obviously on steroids. Is this even legal?
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Not in a couple of states.
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I bet you’re glad you studied nonverbal language in college! 😉
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It helps, doesn’t it?
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You’ll sell even more of those if you mount it on the hips and have it lift the boobies on its way up to the camera. You’re welcome.
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Genius. There’s a place for a forward thinker like you on the Peg-co team, young man.
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I’m flattered, but as you know, I’m already under contract with The Nudge Wink Report as lead custodian and food taster for the queen.
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But we offer dental!
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That is appealing, but I’m afraid my teeth have all been rotted away, thanks to NWR’s unlimited Ju-Ju-Bee policy.
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I have never gotten the selfie down, all mine look like old woman trying to fix her face. This perhaps would help, I await the product with breath slightly held.
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Me neither, Val. I feel too self-conscious.
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Love this.
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Thanks!
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Those first few strike me as being something that’s handed down from mother to daughter to daughter to daughter, etc. I’ve had dealings with many generations of women and I see a sameness running through these poses. It’s a body language that pierces a man’s soul.
My name is Mark and I don’t have a Facebook account. If I did, I’d start looking up old girlfriends to see how they held up. Who needs that noise?
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But that’s the whole point of Facebook! Plus bragging about all the fabulous things going on in your life so the old flames end up kicking themselves for ditching you.
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I wonder if anyone on facebooks has ever searched for me wondering how I’ve held up? I’d like to know who!
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