Sprinting to Life’s End-zone with the Defensive Tackles of Home Shopping in hot pursuit.
I have a confession to make. I don’t want you to think less of me, but what kind of relationship can we have if it is built on a foundation of lies? The time has come to tell the truth.
I have never been to a Pampered Chef party.
I haven’t sniggered at naughty lingerie or sex toys from the comfort of a friend’s living room. I haven’t bought Shaklee vitamins, purses, candles, jewelry, soup mixes, makeup, laundry soap, home interior or scrap-booking supplies across someone’s kitchen table. I have lived in American society my whole life, not on a deserted island, and have managed to avoid the arm-twisting-sales-pitch-masquerading-as-hospitality that is known as the home selling party.
Except once.
I waitressed at Big Boy the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in college and was flattered when the head waitress invited me to a party at her place. I’d been to lots of college parties – drunken affairs where the main goal was to avoid getting soaked by spilled beer – but this was different. It was a grownup party. She was vague on details, just that she was having some friends over for the evening.
Her place was a single as opposed to a double-wide, so the 10 of us were crammed into the tiny living room. I hadn’t noticed all the stacked cardboard boxes until a lady so perky she must have been hopped-up on crack starting telling us all about the contents. By then it was too late; there was no escape.
May we serve you a heapin’ helpin’ of burpin’ goodness?
I had been lured to a Tupperware party.
This was the most boring 45 minutes of my life (besides a time-share sales pitch I once endured in Branson.) Worse than Microeconomics. I was 18, I lived in a dorm, and I was flat-broke. What did I need with a deviled egg container, even if it did come complete with a convenient carrying handle and the signature burping cover? An item that cost more than an Intermediate Accounting textbook? I drank her iced tea, ate her cookies and left as soon as humanly possible without buying a single thing. That memory makes me squirm with shame. In my defense, I was so green I had not yet learned the Unwritten Yet Unbreakable Code of Home Selling Parties:
You must buy something.
I’ve managed to avoid such affairs ever since. I’m a running back in the football game of life, zigging and zagging, breaking tackles right and left as I sprint down the field toward the goal.
It’s not that I don’t want to deal with friends; I make it a point to support local businesses and charities. I’ve bought plenty of stuff when people I know are selling. My bristles go up, however, when someone who has never before invited me to her home suddenly can’t live without me. Is it coincidence that the only time she’s ever wanted me over is for an event where I HAVE to whip out my checkbook or risk looking like a total, cheapo schlub? If we’re such good buddies, why doesn’t she invite me to her house when she doesn’t have a 12-Piece Pantry Hostess Gift hanging in the balance?
Of course none of this applies to YOU, dear readers. If you’re thinking of inviting me to your next home sales party, you know there’s nothing I’d like more than to come. Unfortunately, I just checked my calendar and it turns out I’m already busy that day.
Dang.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
You must share your secret. Although I’m not of the persuasion to be invited to these cozy little events, my wife did once, and we ended up owning a $35 cheese grater. Now we can’t even afford to buy the fancy cheese it needs to ‘grate’….speaking of grating……
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Only $35??? Must have been on sale, you lucky dog.
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I’ll part with it for $30…tax in. Hardly used…just need a credit card number and it’ll mail out tomorrow…
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Um, yeah. The check’s in the mail.
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Oh, do we need to talk, Peg. I get this – the sweaty feeling you get when the stupid invitation shows up, the way your heart clangs like lead in your chest when you imagine two or three hours lost to this raggedy party. I have the same issues, and wrote a whole essay called “Bridal Shower Avoidance Syndrome.” Wanna become a charter member? 😉 Actually, I’d be happy to send it your way so you know you’re not alone…
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I actually like bridal showers – I’m super aggressive on those games so I can be the one who takes home the centerpiece. Sorry I won’t be able to come to any of the meetings of the group. 😉
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You are, and always shall be, my hero.
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I knew you were a kindred spirit, Elyse.
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Not exactly. I always get suckered/guilted into hose damn things …
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Everyone knows I’m antisocial, so I don’t get those invitations. Nuts – I’m so sorry to be missing out on all that fun.
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That’s OK – I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to send you the catalog if you can’t make the gigs.
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Agree with you almost 100%, Peg. These annoying little “parties” disguised as just some friends getting together are totally aggravating. Just one question….when is the next “naughty lingerie” party and could you wrangle me an invite? Thanks, from a good friend.
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Funny you should ask. They’re looking for waiters for the party. Are you OK with wearing this outfit?
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Not a problem. Just tell them I look like the one on the left.
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I rarely go to these types of things, but mine is more because of the introvert thing rather than not being interested in the product. In fact, I like Pampered Chef so much, it might be dangerous if I go. Or at least my credit cards should be confiscated from me before I enter the door…
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You just got added to 14,000 invitation lists, Carrie. Sorry.
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Haha, well, the good thing about being an introvert is, over time you become really good at saying ‘no’ to social events.
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Oh, Peg…someone who truly understands me! I avoid these things like the plague. In fact, I have often used “I think I’m coming down with the plague” as an excuse not to attend. Since most people find that excuse a little unrealistic, I have switched to a whispered “I think I may be getting a UTI or something” or a loudly announced “I have explosive diarrhea”. Works every time. When they hand me (or send me) the pamphlets anyway, I use them for kindling
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Are you back?!!!! I haven’t seen you in ages, K8edid.
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The explosive diarrhea excuse – genius! Why didn’t I think of that?
Nice to see your smiling avatar around – how’s summer going for you? Out of school and loving it?
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(waving excitedly) Hi, Katy!
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I am so with you on this one! I have learned to say “no thanks” straight up. The best is when they then ask if you would be interested in hosting a party with your closest friends. “yeah, because that’s how I keep my friends. Pressuring them into buying shit they don’t want!”
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That is a great way to make friends and influence people, isn’t it?
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Ugh, you’re so lucky. Have you ever had a friend ask you to host one of these parties? I have 6 friends who sell purses and make-up and PC and food mixes and scrapbooking supplies and, yes, Tupperware (it’s still around!). And 6 times a year I get the call, “The new catalog is out! Wanna get together? Just invite a few friends over. No pressure to buy anything.” Yeah right. Let me know if you have an awesome get-out-of-party-hosting excuse I could use.
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Your in-laws coming over? If those are dead that should REALLY do the trick! Plastic (cosmetic, underwear) allergy?
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Those are great excuses.
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You’ve just learned that you have a horrible mould infestation, and exposing people to it could lead to lawsuits. (You can leave it to the “friend” in question to decide whether it’s you or your house that has the plague…)
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hahaha…nice!
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New form of exploiting people is to turn them against each other in desperate need to get the last dollar out of them. Ponzi’s scheme all around. I sometimes have to scream when I realize how stupid some people actually are by thinking that they can be successful in this line of work. Get to their work-home-potty (the post-capitalist ideal of free time and spending altogether) and enjoy a new kind of Asia-based products right from the hands of ten years old children.
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I’m not as pessimistic about the process. Some people enjoy it and DO earn a little extra money.
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I’ve passed on so many parties, I don’t get invited to many anymore. I did go to an Arbonne party last October. The best thing I could have done. My skin is so sensitive and this is the only line I don’t react to. Believe me. I’ve tried everything!
Going to “paid parties” is a commitment of time and money while being low on fun.
PS- You would love the Pampered Chef, apple-peeler-corer!
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I’ve never even heard of Arbonne- glad it worked out for you. I HAVE heard good things about that Pampered Chef peeler, though. They make a couple things that some people swear by.
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I’m with you, Peg. I’ve gotten horn swaggled into 2 Pampered Chef Parties because my sister hosted them. I HAD to buy something. I HATE to entertain. And–horror of horrors–my ex-husband became a Tupperware salesman. Yes. You heard me. And he expected me to go with him to host parties and to host parties in our home. This was after I stopped drinking. He was so cruel. I imagined burying him in a Tupperware coffin (with the signature burping lid for freshness). When I packed to leave after we split, you wouldn’t believe the amount of Tupperware I left behind…
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Funny you should mention that…
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Popping over to read… 🙂
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I’m really glad you found a way to make us laugh while ridiculing that ridiculous brain of yours 😉 I’d be tempted to just slap the shit out of my brain if it tried that crap with me. Seriously, way to go!
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Um…thanks?
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Honestly, i’ve never heard of this Pampered Chef or house selling parties (thought the latter was something like a real estate “open house”). And now that you’ve told me what it is, I will no longer be able to plead ignorance and get away with not buying anything if I ever end up at one of these events.
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Never heard of these???? Do you live on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific?
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I wish I were, sometimes. But no, I’m in the Northeast U.S.. Could these parties be a Midwest thing?
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They are an all-over-the-world thing. You’ve clearly led a protected life. Maybe you can … I dunno … offer a course on how it’s done? You could get your friends to invite their friends over, and then give a presentation … I bet you’d make LOTS of money!
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Totally Agree! I especially hate the friends on FB who keep bugging you. I just want to say, ” I am not here to buy your crap. I am here to see if you’ve gotten fat”.
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Ha! Such refreshing honesty that, I’m sure, would not be at all appreciated.
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I couldn’t get out of a few home parties years ago but now I just say, um, no, sorry, I’ve got something pressing to do. Have a few pampered chef things way back in the closet I never use. And, some “do it yourself” pedicure stuff. Always forget to use that, too.
Congrats on avoiding those parties all these years. You’re my hero! 🙂
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It’s a gift.
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Yikes! I don’t think I’ve ever been to one of these parties! I have always felt perfectly comfortable saying NO THANK YOU! Bad enough that people would bring catalogs to work and pass them around.
Oh, and Bob’s Big Boy! Naugahyde orange apron, brown bow tie, and hair bun? I was a BBB waitress too! The only worse uniform was the one they forced the Hot Dog on a Stick servers to wear.
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With me it was brown, polyester dress, nylons and earth shoes. Good memories there.
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Probably it was better than when I dressed pretty much as a hooker when I was a cocktail waitress. Of course the tips were better, so…
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Wasn’t this the place you also had another unfortunate, um, “accident” while waitressing, Pego?
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Darla, what a memory you have! No, that was next summer’s waitress gig at a fancy seafood restaurant. We wore navy blue pants. At the time of the “accident” I only wished I was wearing brown everywhere for camouflage.
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I’ve never been to a home selling party myself. It sounds horrific, and also expensive. Yipes.
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I think it’s a girl thing, mainly. We like to get together and talk and eat, and then they slip the sales-pitch in when your defenses are down.
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I think the closest guy equivalent that springs to mind is a fantasy football team draft party. Happily, at least in the league I’m in, you don’t get asked to buy stuff. You might be asked to contribute money for a prize at the end… which is actually fairly similar…. oh dear.
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I will buy Tupperware, because I use it, but none of that other stuff. I tell them that right away, and usually don’t get bothered.
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Yeah, you would be no fun to have at a party – don’t you know you HAVE to buy?
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That is very funny. I went to a Tupperware party once as a future sister-in-law was hosting and selling Tupperware and I wanted to seem friendly. I bought these green containers with lids on clearance sale and some sandwich holders as they were the cheapest thing in the book. Now I have to admit 10 years later they are still in perfect condition and I use them all the time. The green containers I use whenever I go to someone’s house and need to bring something as they are rather stylish and looks much nicer than your average plastic container. I used the sandwich containers when I go hiking as they keep things from getting squished and are very packable as well as much better quality than what you can get at the grocery store. Well now she is not my sister-in-law as the guy I was with at that time in no longer an option but that Tupperware sure has kept the test of time 🙂
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I bought a whole set of Tupperware at a garage sale and paid $10, which is like $200 in real money. Turned out none of the lids would fit anymore – I think they shrank or warped somehow. It basically destroyed my faith in the Tupperware mystique.
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Tupperware is good stuff, and it lasts well, but you mustn’t microwave it because that will cause it to warp. On the other hand, when you lose something that expensive – as I am prone to do – it’s really annoying. Much, much easier to factor the shape and quality of the container in when buying grocery store products! If salsa comes in a reasonably solid, see-through container, with a removable label, then that is the brand I will buy!
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That must be what the garage-sale-holder did before they foisted their damaged goods onto me. How rude.
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I hate those dang parties! Fortunately, very few of my friends get suckered into that kind of thing either. Once in a while I might want something that I know I can get that way, and then I’ll have the hostess give me an order form. And maybe a cookie. But that’s it. NOTHING is worth an entire evening of rigid boredom!
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Some friend you are. Hmmmph!
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If you lie to me, you’re not behaving like a friend. And telling me, “Oh come on – it’ll be FUN!”? That is a flat LIE!
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Depends on whether or not adult beverages are served.
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AH! Just mention the word “scentsy” to me and I break out in hives. I have a relative who is constantly bugging me to buy something from there. I remember inadvertently going to a Pampered Chef party once years back. I think I ended up buying an expensive set of corn cob holders out of pity. Which reminds me. Hey, um….you want to drop over place later today? Just to hang out? Yeah, that’s all, I swear.
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Sure! Are you serving corn on the cob? I can bring some deviled eggs. I just happen to have a stay-fresh carrier for them.
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Peg, you hit my funny bone every time!
I used to sell Tupperware, then Mary Kay, and then House of Lloyd’s. (hangs head in shame.)
I was “one of those ladies.”
But I’ve since reformed!
Melinda
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You should feel no shame. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. 🙂
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So happy to hear you saw the light and mended your ways. Was a 12-step program involved?
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WEll, it had to be a 24 stepper for me. I’m kinda ornery like that.
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Oh Peg, great post as we can all relate! 🙂
As much as I don’t like these parties, I admire the women who do them because they have the guts to do it and are usually stay at home moms trying to make some dinero. That being said, I usually say no. 🙂
I have gone to a couple of them back when I was a naive brickhouse. I bought a little purse at one of them that I still use. The best one was a Silpada Party which is all about silver jewelry – which I love. I did end up buying the cheapest item on the catalog but I still have it. I’ve been invited to a clothing one, pampered chef and Arbonne but managed to get ‘sick’ every time. 🙂 Now, a s** toy one, I may recuperate for!
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You’re right – a lot of times these are women who are stay-at-home and just trying to make a little cash on the sides. That’s why I hesitated writing it. I don’t like to sound mean-spirited…even though I often am.
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We all make fun of it because we all hate being put in that awkward situation!!! Hell, if we can’t laugh about it then what will we ever do???? Keep the funny coming Peg, please!!!!! 😜😜
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I have been fortunate enough to only go to one – a MaryKay-esque event where they “did our colors” back when that was fashionable. Like you, I have since avoided Scentsy, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Longaberger, some form of big, sparkly jewelry, and something related to pets. I have been tempted by the wine parties, however, with the hope that everyone there will be too tipsy to notice if I don’t buy something.
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The problem is, by the time you sample all the wines, your inhibitions are so far down a $43 bottle of wine seems like a great idea.
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I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than attend one of these parties except maybe get a root canal… nope. These parties are still at the bottom of the list.
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Did you hear Tupperware is coming out with a teeny, tiny container they call The Tooth Fairy?
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I’m taking a risk here, but I actually like those parties. And I never buy anything. There’s usually pretty good snacks and often fine alcoholic drinks with fruit or umbrellas. Sometimes there are games (which mixed with the fruity booze can be the best part of the evening). I like looking at the catalogs. I like hanging out with rooms-full of acquaintances who are likely not to forget me after my fruity-drink heckling of the evening’s demonstrator. Actually, it’s a cheap fun-night.
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I can see the problem now. None of the people who invite me to parties have fruity alcoholic drinks, just weak iced tea. Cheap bastards.
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Oh, the inhumanity!
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You and me Peg, I avoid them like the plague! Of course now days those who would consider inviting me just don’t, they know I will ask embarrassing questions about pyramids and con jobs. It works.
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Ha! Good strategy, there.
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Oh, snort. I hate those things. The pressure, the totally unnecessary objects that end up in garage sales or Goodwill bags, the snide comments I eventually let slip out once the bored expression cracks, the hours wasted sitting and trying to figure out how to escape (if one makes a break for it, will the rest of the heard follow….what? You want to hold our car keys?). I may by your kid’s wrapping paper or candy for band or whatever, but please leave me off the invite list for these “parties”
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Exactly my thoughts.
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Reblogged this on overexplanations.
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Just read you can’t take it with you-must have missed that one. I hope your beautiful shell shoe handmade with loving care by Katie and myself made the death stuffers list. I burst out laughing at the comments but the stuff from your family was touching. If you forget that treasure I’ll slip it in along with Iron Butterfly. You are going to have fun in Heaven!
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Of course that shoe is in – it’s the prize of my collection! But what makes you think I’m going first, o older sister? Make that OLDEST sister?
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I don’t know about the unspoken rule about having to buy something. If you were lured to a “party” under false pretenses and didn’t know what you were getting into, why should you feel like you have to buy anything? If you know beforehand that it’s a selling party and still R.S.V.P. in the affirmative, then yes, you should probably buy something. Why is it that “parties” like this never sell stuff anyone really wants? If I hosted a shoe party, I’ll bet I’d have to nail the front door shut to keep all the ladies out. I loved your description of the deviled egg tray, by the way, and what on god’s green earth is the signature burping cover? Scratch that, I don’t want to know.
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