I wrote this piece a couple of years ago, and WordPress was kind enough to choose it for Freshly Pressed. Here it is again, in honor of our national day of financial mourning.
Washington has never called about implementing these great ideas. If you’re chummy with any of our elected officials, pass this on, OK?
If you do the crime, you pay the fine.
What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to be paying more taxes.
Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses them to change our behavior. We are encouraged to do some things (buy houses and windmills) and not do others (smoke, drink and drive cars).
I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea. It will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path.
Here’s a partial list of my proposed taxes:
Individuals
- Me No Like-y Tax: Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed. Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon.
- Scanties Tax: This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low. It is waived if the person is a professional underwear model. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (butt-crack cleavage).
- Tortoise Tax: This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit. Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.
Businesses
- Murdering the King’s English Tax: Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language. This will be levied for:
- Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
- Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
- Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
- Nobody’s Home Tax: Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human. The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.” Nobody is looking anything up. Don’t you think we get that this is a computer?
- Green Is The Color Of Money Tax: Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon. A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without having to do any heavy lifting.
I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later. I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.
I welcome constructive input, that is. Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me. To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax.
That will be 10 cents each, please.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Just think – even at $0.10 per infraction, we would raise enough money to have a single-payer healthcare system with all the bells and whistles AND state-of-the-art military equipment! We wouldn’t have to choose one or the other!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Looks like I’m a genius.
LikeLiked by 1 person
10 cents?? Clearly you don’t live in the country of ‘Tax the tax’ programs…with that out of the way, there’s enough offenders (or tax generators) that you’d be able to pay off the military budget in about 6 months with these little ideas.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Make it so, Mid-life.
LikeLike
I’m so glad you re-posted this since I missed it the first time around. I think we could pay for fixing our crumbling infrastructure with the Me No Like-y Tax alone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know several people who could shoulder most of that burden.
LikeLike
Brilliant, Peg. But I think I said that last time around. Oh damn, now I have to pay the Smart Ass Tax, don’t I.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Are you kidding? I just keep your credit card info handy to save time, Elyse.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s why I haven’t been able to buy groceries … Damn you’re smart.
LikeLike
in Canada we still have until the end of the month to file, so maybe we could get a bill passed in time (you do not know how funny that is!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wish I had 2 more weeks. I had to file an extension this year so I have time to learn Sanskrit so I can do the tax return.
LikeLike
I understand….totally
LikeLike
I’m in Canada too….and it’s more sad than funny….okay, it’s pretty funny.
LikeLike
true on both counts
LikeLike
right on both counts
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why, how is your system different?
LikeLike
We have taxes on taxes here – part of the ‘goods and services’ national tax program. If you use a service, including the post office, you pay tax on that service, even though its a service paid for by your taxes….stuff like that.
LikeLike
Including govt services??? That’s crazy.
LikeLike
See?
LikeLike
10 cents per smart ass comment? You do realize this will seriously deplete the Hood fortune, don’t you? If you don’t care about me, please think of my sweet kids, you know, the ones who call me every day to see if I’ve died yet.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You can buy a blanket Smart Ass Comment Waiver. All you have to do is sign over your pension.
LikeLike
Ha, I love these. Now, can you come up with a tax for those folks on Twitter who send out promotional DMs the second you follow them back? That would be swell.
LikeLike
I will get right on that…as soon as you explain what the heck a promotional DM is.
LikeLike
Haha, DMs are Direct Messages. Direct messages are nice when you want to send someone a tweet no well else can see. They’re private. But some authors and companies use them to promote their books and products. For example, as soon as you follow them back, a direct message automatically comes for you pushing their book or product. Certain apps let them send these automatically. It really annoys people, and yet they still do it.
LikeLike
Oh! I’ve used that, but haven’t followed many companies yet. You know I rely on you to explain this shiz to me, Carrie.
LikeLike
Actually it’s mostly authors that do it. Unfortunately.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Loved it then. Love it now! 🙂
LikeLike
You have always been a woman of good taste, Lorna.
LikeLike
Pingback: Can We Call Pope Francis Uh-Mazing? Apparently Only Halfway… | dmswriter
Nooo:
“Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez” That would kill my Guardian-pen-name …
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe we can work out an exemption for you. See our Appeals Dept.
LikeLike
You mean there is hope and I don’t have to go to jail like Uli Hoeness*?
(*Sports manager, sausage-manufacturer and tax-evader who got caught)
LikeLike
Did you know that if you get a tax return, they TAX IT the following year? They’ve been doing this double-dipping nonsense for at least two years now, and I still CAN’T. EVEN.
LikeLike
P.S. – ME NO LIKEY.
LikeLike
Me neither.
LikeLike
I can’t even, either. I yanked my head bald trying to figure out these taxes and had to give up. This system is INSANE!
LikeLike
Peg for president!!
I heartily endorse your whole tax code.
From your mouth to God’s ear, especially the pants, and English usage.
LikeLike
Somebody else just sewed up the boring, middle-aged, white woman candidacy, so I’ll sit out this election.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are not boring! I will not write my opinion of her, don’t want to start a fight.
LikeLike
No fighting will be going on here. I usually avoid all political discussion, but I couldn’t resist poking fun at both myself and The Hilster.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Scanties tax!! Hilarious!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Know anyone who should be fined?
LikeLike
This. Is. Awesome. (Do I get taxed for incomplete sentences and excessive use of periods?)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Incomplete sentences, no. Periods? 30 cents please.
LikeLiked by 2 people
The day Uncle Sam runs laughing all the way to the bank!
LikeLike
Stop that man in the red, white and blue top hat – he stole all our money!
LikeLiked by 2 people
LOL! Good one. I can see why you were Freshly Pressed! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks!
LikeLike
That doesn’t seem fair that there is a smartass tax, but no dumbass tax. But then again, it’s a tax system, it’s not supposed to be fair.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true. Besides, with a dumbass tax the IRS would have to hire about a billion more auditors, and we’re trying to REDUCE the deficit.
LikeLike
Love it!….. is there a tax on unnecessary punctuation????
LikeLike
I’ll give this suggestion to the committee, thank you.
LikeLike
Priceless. Reading this right on the heels of a conversation between two professionals in which the word “like” was used at least 10 times by one of them. I wish I’d known I needed to collect that dollar! 🙂
LikeLike
I have to bite my tongue til it bleeds when talking with my 23-year-old. I only let myself remind her of this every other conversation or so.
LikeLike
WordPress got it right. This certainly deserved to be Freshly Pressed. Glad you ran it again because I’d not seen it before. Funny!
LikeLike
Thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Oh, this is a great one! How about a tax for every selfie you take. LOL. 🙂
LikeLike
Simply brilliant idea!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Genius! We’d be swimming in money.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just from Kim Kardashian alone!!!
LikeLike
True DAT.
LikeLike
I’m eternally grateful Peg for your idea on “Murdering the King’s English Tax” that it apply to businesses only. Otherwise I’d probably have to file for an extension.
LikeLike
You’re safe…for now.
LikeLike
LOL. Happy Saturday peg :O)
LikeLike
Saturday is always happy! Did spring cleaning today and the feeling of righteous virtue will last a month. Hope your weekend is great.
LikeLike
Thanks Peg. So far so good. :O)
LikeLike
The “like” tax alone would probably wipe out the federal debt in about a week, but if it’s not enough, try a tax on using “so” for “very”, or ending sentences with “so”.
LikeLike
Oh, criminy, the trailing “so.” I did a post about that a couple of years ago – can’t remember the title, a reference to The Telltale Heart.
LikeLike
Nobody’s home tax–that should close the budget deficit.
LikeLike