I’m SINGing in the rain…ouch! ouch!
The other day I was scrubbing a cookie sheet that had gone from gun-metal gray to mottled brown from years of hard use. I couldn’t tell if what I was attacking was cleanable dirt, or if cooking alchemy had transformed it at the molecular level to a new kind of metal.
I paused in my labors, still clutching a soapy Brillo pad, and took stock of my kitchen. After more than 30 years, 80% of my utensils, pots, pans and towels wouldn’t pass the Goodwill test: even poor people wouldn’t want them.
I need a shower.
I’m talking about a wedding shower. The custom started back when a young lady moved straight from her parents’ home to her husband’s, and friends and family gathered to give her the small, practical things she would need to outfit her kitchen and linen closet.
Times have changed, and current customs no longer work. Today’s bride has often been on her own for years. Chances are that a 30-something woman already owns basics like a cheese grater. Her gift registry is a wish-list full of move-up items like $500 Baccarat high ball glasses. That’s not my idea of a shower gift.
What about women who don’t marry? They are totally neglected by the current system. If they want a melon-ball-maker-doohickey, they have to go to a Pampered Chef party and spend $74.99 to buy one.
I propose a change to a two-tier system:
Leaving the Nest: When a young woman gets her first place.
This is typically at graduation; high school or college. Loved ones will gather to outfit a young woman with the little things she will need for her home, whether or not she marries.
Re-feathering the Nest: When a young woman turns 50.
Everything in the house is now old and broken down. The once-fluffy bath towels are scratchy as sandpaper, the business end of the potato peeler is attached to the handle with twist ties, and the kitchen towels’ formerly bright, yellow chickens are so faded and stained it looks like the poor birds are molting. Time for another shower.
With my new shower system, no other woman will ever suffer the pain I have known; that of having her husband mistake her once-fancy, powder-room hand towels for rags suitable for use while fixing the lawn mower.
I’m free most Saturdays next month and my bathroom is blue.
Postscript: I didn’t forgot about the guys; that’s deliberate. Since men can “get the milk for free without buying the cow” nowadays (to quote my mother,) they need an incentive to get married. I’m confident that if marriage is the only way men can snag kitchen towels with a button crocheted on one end to hang on the door of the fridge, wedding rates will skyrocket. The number of couples enjoying wedded bliss will soon be right back up to June Cleaver-era levels.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I’d be all for this, under one condition: that we not be forced to play the dopey games that often accompany traditional showers. Just the threat of those games is enough to make me keep my ratty towels and gnarled-up, slightly rusty vegetable peeler. Sound like a plan? 😉
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Well…gotta admit I’m pretty good at those games, and somewhat aggressive in my quest for victory. I walk around to the other tables and break everyone’s pencil lead while they’re up getting cake.
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Why didn’t I ever think of that??! All I can manage is a sniveling whine and the secret glory of working with another party victim to see who’s got the better answers. Breaking pencil leads would give me such a sense of victory – I’ll have to remember that. 😉
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I have felt for a long time that single women need kitchen showers. I was single until I was 40, and I really wanted all that shit I was buying for my marrying friends.
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It’s only fair!
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This is hilarious! And it is oh so true. I love the idea of a Re-Feathering-the-Nest Shower. I should have had two or three by now. 🙂 Great post Peg – and great thinking. I am going to reblog this one. 🙂
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Thanks for the reblog. I agree with the 2 or 3, but we don’t want to be greedy.
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Reblogged this on Virginia Views and commented:
I should have had two or three of the Re-feathering “do’s” by now!
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This was one of the most entertaining posts I’ve ever read. I second your idea for the two-tier system of showers! And here’s to the towels with the crocheted buttons- who knew this functional little item was the true way to a man’s heart?!
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All you need are crocheted button towels and killer lasagna skills and he’s yours forever. Oh, and a lingerie-model body.
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Should have known the towels alone wouldn’t do it!
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This is very funny (as I just finished re-seasoning my cast-iron pans) – great ideas!
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I have two of those in the garage and they’re all rusty now. Any hints – besides tossing them and then tossing a shower for myself to get new ones?
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I love my cast iron. I found a great youtube video called “Culinary Fanatic” the cooks name is Jeffrey B. Roberts – 19 minutes of the best instructions that I’ve seen on the internet (330,000 views) on how to re-season and maintain them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6Tz3HnnCFs
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Along the lines of the Re-Feathering the Nest Shower, it could be done a little earlier and called the “My Kids Moved Out On Their Own and Took All My Good Stuff With Them” shower.
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“good stuff?” What the heck do you mean giving them the good stuff? They’re supposed to get the old crap so they can know hardship and build character. Jeesh- what kind of parent ARE you?
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Well, I never actually owned any “good stuff” unless you count buying my dishes from Target instead of Walmart.
And it’s not as selfless as you think – by giving them my stuff, I then had an excuse to go out and buy new stuff for me (from a slightly higher end store than Target). So it was a win-win.
And I’m totally loving my new bedroom furniture, new towels, and new dishes.
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Aha! You’re not just another pretty face.
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I was already cracking up while reading your title! Ha!
I think this is a brilliant idea! Until it catches on, you might want to take a trip to my favorite place, Marshall’s.
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I do love me some Marshalls. My problem is what to do with the old stuff. I hate to just throw it out but it’s too bad for the thrift stores to want.
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Currently having this drama – diong a mass clear out of everything, most things aren’t worth giving to charity so they’re going in the bin. It’s a bit hearbreaking! I love upcycling but what the hell can you do with a 15 year old CD player??
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Maybe make a planter out of it? A really big paper weight? Paint it gold, string it on a chain and wear it as a necklace (I suggest a neck brace to go along with this idea)?
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Oh god yes. The speakers could be earrings! Nothing like a bit of Gangsta gold.
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I support this new model!
(And chuckle at its conclusion.)
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I’m going to make this happen. I just need someone to host one for ME so we can kick off the trend.
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Love this!
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Thanks!
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I thought that was why we have birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas parties (or Channukah/Kwanzaa, not to be un-PC)!
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Are you crazy???? A new potato peeler would be delightful, but that’s a gift for the house, not for ME. The unwise hubster-giftster would be sleeping on the couch for a month.
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Noooo – never make the mistake to accept a kitchen gadget for a personal present! Never!!!
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I was making the same point at the exact same time. Great minds!
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A lot of women in this world seem not to have learned from their mothers’ mistakes.
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Pitiful.
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Great idea! Yes! Amen! I was single until I was 28 and could have used a towel with a button then! So I could have given it to my husband to use when he washes the car and he could stop using my granny underwear.
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All my rags are my old granny underwear, cut up. After washing, of course.
I’ve recently started doing something I never thought I would do – throwing socks with holes into my rag bag as well. I’ve decided to splurge at this stage of my life and only wear socks that will safely encompass ALL of my foot parts.
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I love this idea! I managed a stop gap by hosting a shower where all the prizes were new kitchen towels and washcloths, hot pads, etc. But that was a time when I had money and those things were not expensive to acquire. Now I need a home improvement loan to restock my linens!
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What, did you rig it so you won all the games and prizes? That’s pretty clever.
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This is so true! Since when did pretty colour terry dishcloths become so frickin’ expensive?? Whats with the microfibre rubbish that just smears the water around rather than absorbing it??! WHAT HAPPENED?!
*dishclothmeltdown*
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Have you been peeking in my windows??? I’m gearing up for a visit w my folks and actually went out and bought several things exclusively for them to use while here, mostly bc I think what we use (although fine for us) isn’t quite up to their standards. Like my 18 yr old towels. The stained shower curtain liner. And so on. I almost bought more kitchen towels bc my mom was lamenting to my sis once that my kitchen towels are/were “just rags..” Bottom line: This is a brilliant idea. I have also reblogged to FB and will now post on Twitter. Your genius needs to be circulated.
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Oh. My. Goodness. I’ve had the exact same experience, getting new stuff before they come to visit, etc, and I’m 55-friggin-years-old. Are you really one of my sisters???
Thanks for the reblog and retweet – I appreciate the shoutout.
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When I moved into my college dorm, my mom handed off dish towels, salt and pepper shakers, spatulas, etc. I didn’t have a kitchen….needless to say they were a waste of space and I shoved it in the back of my closet.
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My kids did the same thing. Now that stuff is in boxes back down in my basement, waiting for them (at least the second one) to stay somewhere long enough to need dish towels.
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While I agree with the two tiered shower system, I can hear my husband exclaiming: “WTF? Someone gave us button down towels???”
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Men. So clueless about what’s truly important in life.
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so agree with the single woman thing, and the 50 thing–but no stupid games (not stupid games–but a drinking game would be alright though)
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Taking a shot of tequila every time you cross out a square in Shower Present Bingo would certainly liven things up a bit.
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yes, yes it would–I will bring the lemon and salt
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Hear, hear, I second the motion! Actually, this ties in nicely to my experience last night at my parents humble abode. I spent the night due to my Dad’s accident and slept in his bed, since he was in his lazy boy. No lie, I felt like I was sleeping in a burlap sack, the sheets were so old, scratchy and worn. This after 66 years of wedded bliss..at least now I have an idea for a Mother’s Day gift for Mom😉. Another great read , Peg!
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Same for my parents. I thought it was interesting that my eldest daughter got us 4, huge, designer bath towels for Christmas. I suspect it’s for selfish reasons for when she’s home.
How’s your dad doing today, Jeannie? Poor guy!
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He’s doing better. He’s supposed to stay relatively quiet and keep ice on all the extremities to get the swelling down, but we’re having a hard time keeping him stationary. I guess that’s a good sign. Thanks for asking. 😊
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I’m preparing to ‘downsize’ my ‘saved because someday I might need this stuff’ crates, yet again – still have items that were purchased when I was big into big batch cooking/baking and worked when I used a full size stove, but not so much with the toaster oven I’ve been using for 3 years now – since they were purchased shortly before my stroke, and the next year’s move to toaster oven/induction cooker and crockpot cooking, , feel free to email me your address and I’ll send you some shiny, barely used items… LOL 🙂
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If I didn’t suspect the shipping charges would outweigh the benefits, I’d take you up on that offer.
That’s like my food processor. Had to have one, because EVERYone had to have one. I don’t think it’s seen the light of day in 20 years. I should just donate all that stuff to a worthy cause.
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😀
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“Re-feathering the Nest”–I love that idea. My husband and I have been married for a zillion years, and like your kitchen stuff, much of ours is frightening too. Then again, I do love me some Pampered Chef…
“or if cooking alchemy had transformed it at the molecular level to a new kind of metal.”—Haha!
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Am I the only one who has cookie sheets like that? They look like spotted giraffes.
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I have cookie sheets like that, but I don’t use them anymore. I invested in a couple Pampered Chef stoneware cookie sheets. I love them. Make the cookies taste so much better.
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After 20 odd years of being together, but not married, we didn’t even get the first round of pressies ;-( In fact, when I look round our house, there is a lot of “inherited” stuff, charity shop stuff and the odd item I’ve “acquired” from other places we have lived. Even the broken ice cream scoop was my Mum’s, I kept it because it looked useful, even though we hardly ever have a tub of ice cream…. Only two and a half years until my shower – great idea :-)))
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Seriously. With fewer and fewer people getting married, a “leaving the nest” shower makes a lot of sense.
All you have to do is hold on until your “refeathering” event. In the meantime, I find wire is better than twist-ties at holding broken utensils together.
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I still have a couple of Denby casserole dishes my Mum gave me when I left home nearly 30 years ago – they were her wedding presents. Perhaps I should have married Him all these years ago….flippin’ feminism 🙂
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You may still have your freedom and self-respect, but you paid a heavy price by forfeiting a set of those really good spatulas. Only you can decide if it was worth it.
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There is no joint bank account either 🙂
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Girl! Although I suppose that could be a plus, depending on the other person’s spending habits.
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It’s all in my favour 🙂 We have a bit of a back to front thing going on, which I won’t go into! The gist of it is that I pay most of the big bills and spend the spare on me 🙂 He really isn’t interested in even basic material things – won’t even let me buy a new coal bucket!! But he loves the designer dress I got in the charity shop for a tenner – that bit is true, not a fib!!!! Obviously one occasionally knocks numbers off items bought in Real Shops 🙂
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Here in Germany these showers are mainly unknown. We just steal what we can get away with when we move out from our parental household and afterwards, since a lot of German ladies stay single or at least do not have kids, we just buy what pleases us.Thus we ge what we want, not what others want to get rid off.
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We do the same thing with stealing from our parents for the first place, but showers are fabulous. You don’t get used stuff – you register at stores, and people buy exactly what you want!
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We do that for weddings. Not for baby showers and bridal showers and anything around that, just for the wedding itself.
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We also do that for weddings, but wedding presents tend to be bigger ticket items. Bridal showers are for smaller, more practical things.
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Most people in Germany, when marrying, are so old they have all those small things. AVERAGE AGE of brides is 30, that of husbands 33 years.
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Yow, really? How’s the birth rate there?
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1.41 children per woman. Do not ask me how the .41 look like – you would not one of those yourself.
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I enjoyed your funny post! I, too, need a shower. I am willing to have a double shower with someone else, even. I am also available most Saturdays next month and my bathroom colors are sand and aqua.
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Don’t understand why people aren’t jumping up, offering to host one for us. What gives?
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I could use a shower, too. What season does it rain money?
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Haha! Exactly. I’ll be out with my umbrella turned upside down.
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Amen, Peg! If I added up the cost of all those melon ball doohickeys I’ve bought for friends’ showers, I’d be living in a penthouse on Park Avenue instead of a closet-sized 5th floor walk-up.
While we’re at it, can I also throw in the cost for all the “destination weddings” I’ve attended for people who for some reason can’t get married in town?
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Don’t EVEN get me started on those. I rant to my 25-year-old daughter about how young women nowadays are basically saying they only want young, wealthy, childless people at their weddings, and she looks at me like I’m from another planet.
Kinda like how I used to look at my mom when she said old, fuddy-duddy junk.
Oh.
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Brilliant!!! Might I suggest, though, that my rule for any shower (baby, bridal, or cleanliness) remain intact: OPEN BAR.
P.S. – I just spent 5 minutes Google searching ‘crocheted towels’ because I really wanted to post an image here. But none were funny-funny, just sad-funny. Thank you for understanding.
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I appreciate the attempt, Jules, and agree about the sad-funny part. You’re off the hook.
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Love it! The idea and your hilarious style! 🙂
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Thanks!
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Once again, I’m laughing out loud at your pithy prose, and the jolly comments afterwards.
Peg, you rock my socks off. PS – when should we plan our re-feathering the nest party? 🙂
That will be handy after our remodel. Got a bid today…Hoping all comes together!
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Thanks, Miss Guitar. Got a bid – that’s wonderful! Mom was telling me about your revised plans, but I want details. Did you think to have a second set of blueprints made, at about $300 each, to send to me?
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I’m with you on this Peg! It’s about time someone thought of this. I recently suggested that after 20 years of “living in sin” He-Who and I should get married just so we could have a shower and replace some of my kitchen/bathroom/bedroom crap. That seems like a pretty drastic measure to me…don’t you think?
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I don’t know – I think it might be worth it. You’re already doing the time; why not do the crime so you can get the loot?
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Agreed!
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On another note, when I first saw your picture, I saw champagne flutes, with silver bases floating in the sky. An illusion? Perception? Interesting. Then, I read your post and saw it. Cool.
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Hey, you’re right -they do kind of look like champagne flutes!
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The whole shower thing is relatively new over here, but I definitely like the refeathering shower idea. It used to be the young folk who had to “make do”, but now they seem to demand only the finest of everything, and us…older folk are the ones making do with things that have seen far better days. We want new fancy stuff too!
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I was motivated to write this after looking at the registry for a friend’s daughter. I’m so envious of all the beautiful stuff! Just occurred to me that with all the looking and drooling and blogging, I forgot to actually get her a gift and the shower is this weekend!
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In regards to hand-towels—as a husband, guilty as charged. :O)
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Oh, nooooo!
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Fortunately my wife is forgiving, and has plenty of extras.
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A dishcloth with a button sewn on it will not likely be used for any car washing or golf club polishing, as those little buttons can scratch the finish.
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Just one of the many benefits of those towels.
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Love the idea. Who wouldn’t want to come with a gift in hand from our preferred registry? We’re sensible — would never fall for one of those coffee pots that come with outrageously expensive coffee or need a strawberry corer when a knife will do or need 3 sets of mixing bowls (stainless, melamine and pyrex) when one will do? When guests find they’re saving money, they may just throw in some extra really nice things that we didn’t know we needed. win-win for sure. You know what I’ve had my eye on –Those adorable rubber spatulas that come in neon orange, lime green, aqua and lavender purple. Back in the day they came in white. Great post! You’ve got me making my list right now.
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Go ahead and buy those spatulas – you deserve to go crazy!
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Your mother is right. The only showers single women are interested in today is the one they take with their boyfriend. But maybe a melon ball maker would still come in handy, I don’t know.
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A melon ball maker shows that a couple is taking things to the next level.
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Vis-a-vis the bathroom: Are we talking robin’s egg blue or more along the lines of say, cerulean? Asking for a friend.
On a completely unrelated note, why don’t I come pick you up next Saturday and we’ll go out to a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant where none of your friends or family will be waiting to play some toilet paper roll game or anything.
P.S. I love this shower idea. You’re a genius!
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More of a slate blue, Hippie. I’d love to go for a completely unrelated dinner on Saturday and it just so happens that I always have a couple of extra rolls of Charmin in my purse. Just in case.
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Ha,ha,ha! I couldn’t agree with you more, Peg! I could use some new corn cob holders and the butter spreader to match! 🙂
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Hey, THAT’s what I’ll get for the shower this weekend. Thanks for the idea!
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Reblogged this on patriciaandresortega and commented:
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
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A friend and I in college seriously thought about (well, until we’d sobered up) getting married for the gifts. Then after an appropriate amount of time, divorce. We never discussed how we’d split the gifts. Shame we didn’t – could have made a great romantic comedy movie.
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This is rom-com gold. Get going on that screen plan right away – it’s a sure winner.
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What color blue Peg? This is an important question. You don’t want people buying you Navy when you have Powder. I mean really, I would buy you Aqua Marine, only to find out you have Periwinkle. Need specifics here.
I think your idea is great!
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Oh, you’re so right! I like all of those blues, but I’d have to say mine is more of a slate blue. I’m considering remodeling the bathroom, though, so better call the caterers and cancel the shower I’m sure you were secretly planning for me. Thanks anyway.
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Brilliant idea! When I graduated from high school, one of my gifts was a set of bath towels that went off to college with me. They had my name on them on iron-on tape. Just a few days ago as I helped my son pack for his 6th grade week at a camp, I grabbed one of those towels, now raggedy on the edges, ripped off my name tag and wrote his name on it with a sharpie. If it doesn’t come home from camp, nothing lost.
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I love the idea that those towels just got their second time at bat!
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This gives me lots of gift ideas for you! Great post-lots of fun and the comments are always good.
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I’m all set for chicken- print kitchen towels, thanks anyway.
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I like the idea of refeathering the nest. Or, actually, at this point, just feathering the nest.
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I think that going to other people’s showers and picking up the stuff they don’t really want/need might work too. 🙂
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Hey, great idea! I’ll dress up in a nice outfit, carry a big gift bag and crash stranger’s parties. They’ll all think I’m somebody else’s friend, and I’ll discreetly fill up my bag with stuff I want and slip away.
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Great idea! I didn’t know you borrowed my potato peeler. No wonder I couldn’t find it.
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Oops! Sorry. Do you want your food processor back, too?
How are things with you, Patti?
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Haha, I just bought a food processor recently! I must have forgotten you had that, too!
I thought maybe I’d cook more often. I think a maid is in order. I’m doing well, Peg, thanks. How are things with you?
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