Christmas time is here again. Tis the season for celebrating old traditions. Around this blog, that means dusting off posts of Christmas past, posts that are staler than re-gifted fruitcake. Enjoy.
Bah humbug!
Christmas is only a couple of days away. The cards are written, the presents are bought, wrapped and under the tree, and now everyone can sit back and enjoy the season.
Everyone except you.
You haven’t done anything to get ready. You have no presents, no ideas and no money again this year. You’re basically screwed, right?
Wrong!
Don’t despair! You don’t have have to spend Christmas in the doghouse, just because you’re lazy and broke. Borrow some of these last minute gift ideas:
1) For the book lover: Does someone on your gift list always have his or her nose in a book? Have you priced hardcovers lately? They can be $30 and up – ridiculous! Trot down to the local library, check out the newest bestseller and wrap it up. When the recipient opens your gift and looks bewildered, start on a long-winded diatribe about what an outrageous assault on the environment it is to cut down defenseless trees for books, and the importance of sharing resources. Add a bit about the great history of Carnegie libraries in America and by the end of your presentation the book lover will be feeling vaguely guilty for ever having bought one. Be a Christmas angel and remind the recipient they’ll incur overdue fines after 2 weeks, so they should read fast!
2) For the wine lover: With your Annie Green Springs tastes, you have neither the budget nor the knowledge to please a true wine connoisseur. Don’t even try. Take a card and write, “Here’s a little something to toast the season”. Wrap up a box containing …2 pieces of dry toast. I suggest using whole wheat bread since wine snobs also tend to be health food snobs. They’ll look like poor sports if they even hint that they would prefer a real gift to your clever gag. (Thrifty suggestion: Cut a square of wrapping paper, fold in half and use this as a card. You can write on the inside and it matches the package for an expensive, coordinated look.)
3) For that special woman: Is there anything a woman loves more than a truly spectacular piece of expensive jewelry? Since THAT’s not going to happen this Christmas, you can still score points by hitting her other hot button: a love of schmaltzy romance. Just write in a card, “You own the key to my heart.” Wrap up a small, jewelry-sized box in which you’ve placed…a key. Any old key will do –could be the key to your locker at the gym. Make sure it’s not your car key, though, as it might be awkward to have to ask for it back at the end of the evening.
4) For your kid: Every parent has experienced this. You get your kid a Suzy Homemaker kitchen, or Little Tykes workbench and they run right by the big, expensive toy to play with the box. Encourage their creative spirit with an Imagination Kit: an assortment of cardboard boxes, rolling paper and toilet paper tubes, rubber bands and other stuff that you have around the house. Pontificate about the importance of creative play, developing building and imagination skills and getting back to basics. This will confuse the in-laws so they can’t be sure if you really believe all that stuff, or you’re just a cheap Scrooge.
5) For the kid’s teacher: Teachers get so much lame junk: ornaments, bubble bath and candles, they could open a gift store. What do they really, really want? Some relief from the unrelenting torment of having little monsters like your kid in their class. Make up several coupons “Good for one day without Johnny”. On days when your offspring has been acting even more like the spawn of Satan than usual, Teacher can send one of the coupons home with the kid. You promise to keep him home “sick” the next day, thereby giving Teacher a much-needed break. Be careful not to give so many coupons that all his days off catch the attention of the health department or truancy officer.
6) For the brother-in-law: Your lush of a brother-in-law is always getting in trouble with the po-lice. What a hoot when he opens your gift in front of the whole family to reveal a stack of “get out of jail free” cards, taken from a Monopoly game. Even funnier if you could be be there when he tries to use one when he gets stopped, weaving down the road on the way home from the family party.
7) For your pets: What dog doesn’t love a rousing game of “fetch”? Simply gather up a couple of sticks (not too fat), about 1-1/2 feet long, and tie them up with a jaunty, red ribbon. For the cat, smush a page from the Sunday funnies into a ball, wrap in twine or rubber bands, and you’re ready for hours of pouncing play. (These also make thoughtful gifts for the dog or cat lover on your list.)
With my helpful hints, a little bit of cleverness can take the place of true thoughtfulness, money and any real effort on your part.
Merry Christmas, and good luck!
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
We gave Stewie the cat a little tin foil ball last night. He was delighted. And it was recycled foil from our leftover grinder too, so we are saving the universe as well.
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THANK YOU FOR SAVING THE UNIVERSE>
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7 could actually work 😉
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Please post this earlier next year, Peg. I would have saved a mint!
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Dang! Sorry, Elyse. Have a wonderful, wonderful holiday!
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And you, Peg!
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Outstanding! And timely..my family tradition was you had to go out just before closing on Christmas ever – with less than 10 dollars and find junk, I mean, last minute gifts for everyone ..,with this list you may be able to avoid even getting in the car! Except for a couple of giant fridge-size box to put all of #4 in….just clear out the dining room for it later. Don’t laugh. They loved it….for weeks….
Hilarious post. Thanks for the merry
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That’s a great idea! And when I was a kid one of my favorite memories was playing with the fridge box one year – we were fighting over it. Very merry to you!
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Martha Stewart you ain’t.
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Wha…???? You cut me to the quick. 😉
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This never gets old…
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…unlike us. Have a wonderful Christmas, Katie!
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Speak for yourself…if we are only as old as we feel, then…well, crap. You are right.
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This is priceless. Literally. Happy Holidays Peg-O!
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That’s my goal – spend as little as possible. Hope this is a wonderful Christmas for you and yours, Dave.
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I hope I don’t get any of these this Christmas. Loved the toast and key ideas….
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Er, when you get to the little box under your tree that jingles and is postmarked Illinois…just skip it.
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I will!!!!
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Lol. Is that where all these idiots are getting these get out of jail free cards?
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Have you seen a bunch of those, Don? By the way, big congrats on having your post on Ferguson being selected as one of the top posts of the year. Amazing! Hope things have calmed down some on the streets for you.
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Loved the key gift suggestion!
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The best part is you’d look like a poor sport if you didn’t pretend to love the gift.
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Keep on cranking out these ideas, I read this too late this year! lol
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You already spent real money on gifts? Sorry.
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I like some of these suggestions quite a lot. The environmentalist angle, in particular, suits my self-image for 2014. In 2015 I’m planning on going artsy/eccentric. I’ll be wrapping dog-poo and calling it 4D Art.
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EEEEEEW! In your case I’m relaxing my usual strict rule and saying you may give me a regift.
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All great ideas, and you didn’t even have to resort to re-gifting!
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I try not to regift…I can never remember if I’m regifting to the person who gave me the gift in the first place.
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Haha the one about the kid’s teacher is hilarious! I don’t have a kid yet but when I do I’ll definitely keep that in mind. 🙂
http://www.danikamaia.com
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When this post was Freshly Pressed I got more comments from teachers saying that would be the BEST gift they could possibly get.
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All of these are great ideas and over the top hilarious. My husband will be snorting coffee this morning…I already have.
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What do you mean hilarious? This is what my loved ones are getting!
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My sister actually got our son a set of old keys for Christmas last year, and he loved it! LOL! He was two, though. 🙂
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Probably wouldn’t be such a great gift idea for you, eh?
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Be glad I’m not following any of these priceless gift ideas, Peg! 🙂
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I’m glad you can tell when someone is taking poetic license. I still want diamonds.
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I appreciate the gesture, Peg, but even this seems like a lot of work. How about I just give them the link to your blog and tell them I thought about doing these things?.
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I don’t see how anyone could have a problem with that fine gift.
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I love each and every one of these. If only I had read this sooner you would have saved me a lot of heartache. Next year. I will bring this list out next year.
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Sorry you already spent money needlessly. I’ll get going earlier next year.
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Wanted to stop by here to wish you a very Happy New Year filled with lot’s of peace, joy and good food! 🙂 Here’s to 2015! Salud!
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Thanks so much for the kind wishes. Right back at you – I know 2014 has had its challenges. 😦
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LoL. Ebenezer Screwed, that’s classic bro.
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Thanks for stopping in!
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Wonderfully helpful hints. My son was/is one of those kids who is in heaven with a big box, string, tape, paper towel rolls, and Legos. In fact, here is one of many Titanics he built when he was younger. http://youtu.be/6KvM106WEIE . Happy 2015!
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Kids really are imaginative when we get out of the way and let them, aren’t they? Happy new year to you, too!
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You number 5 gifts, boxes and such for the kids, is right on! 🙂 We bought a new chair this evening and my kids spent all of their time inside, outside and around the box. Coloring it, adding windows — it was a blast. And good to see you also included the family pet in your round-up! Hope you had a great Christmas, and wishing you and yours a fabulous New Year!
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Thanks, Melissa, and right back at you with the good wishes!
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A while back when I mentioned on my blog about racing to be the first to comment on a post, you noted that you never saw me racing to be the first comment on one of your posts, well I think you’re going to have to eat your words right here right now young lady – you write a post, and bang! Thirteen days later, I’m right there, RIGHT THERE, with a comment, ha!
These are fantastic gift ideas. I’m always suspicious when I receive one of those cards that says “For your gift, a donation of £50 has been made to X charity”, I always think “Yeah, how do I KNOW you’ve actually done that, huh?” Could just be a real lowlife cheapskate gift ya know? Unlike your list here which are cheapskate but not lowlife. Also awesome.
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Brilliantly funny! I wish I’d come across this post sooner. Nice tips for next year. Thx. 😀
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