Two women pass in the street. One is middle aged and overweight, her plodding walk mirroring the exhaustion in her tired, wrinkled face. The other woman is noticeably younger. Her long, blonde hair swings around her smooth, glowing face as she strides briskly down the sidewalk. A couple of steps after they pass, the older woman stops and turns to look at the younger’s toned derriere in its form-fitting, blue jean casing.
“Angela? Is that you?” The older woman asks, uncertain.
The younger woman turns around. “Oh, hi, Sandy. Sorry, I didn’t see you.”
“I didn’t recognize YOU!” Sandy replies, disbelieving, as she looks Angela up and down. “My God, you look great! What have you done to yourself?”
Angela preens under Sandy’s incredulous stare, flinging her hair back and smirking. “Thanks; you’re a doll to say so.”
“No, really.” Sandy persists, “You’re the same age as I am, but you look 15 years younger. What have you done?”
“I’m really trying to get in touch with my spiritual side, to lead a holistic life.” Angela explains, assuming a pious expression. “I’ve taken up yoga and meditation, I’m eating whole foods and natural grains and treating this body as the temple it…”
“Cut the crap.” Sandy interrupts ruthlessly. “I saw you just a couple of months ago and you were as wrinkly and flabby as I am. There’s no way eating quinoa for a couple of weeks causes THIS kind of change.”
Angela’s smooth face momentarily creases in an expression of annoyance, although her forehead doesn’t move. Then she shrugs fatalistically and says, “If you must know, I just got back from a Rejuvacation ™.”
“Rejuvacation ™? What the heck is that?” Sandy asks, perplexed.
“I was on a Rejuvenating Coma Vacation at The Lazy P Ranch & Spa for the last 2 months.” Angela replies with a self-satisfied smile.
“Coma vacation?” Sandy gasps, “What…??”
“It’s the latest thing!” Angela explains enthusiastically (although her forehead still doesn’t move.) “They put you in a medical coma for 2 months. While you’re under they do plastic surgery; breast implants, tummy tuck, chin lift – whatever you want! I had the Total Package. They pump you with a liquid diet at the minimum calories required to sustain life, and use electrical stimulation to exercise your muscles. You lose a ton of weight.”
“But, but…” Sandy sputters, having finally found her voice. “That’s so extreme! So dangerous. It’s like a sci-fi movie!”
Angela holds up her hands to stop her friend’s protests, “It’s all safe; everything is done by a team of medical specialists. The best thing is you sleep through all the pain and inconvenience. Think about something as simple as getting hair extensions. It takes hours and the process is incredibly tedious. That’s just one of the little things they’ll do to you while you’re out.”
Sandy’s shock is fading, but she looks skeptical.
Angela’s unnaturally plump, red lips curve into a condescending smile. “I know what you’re thinking. But really, what’s stopping any of us from getting in shape and looking our best?”
Sandy shrugs, not sure what her friend is driving at. “We’d rather eat Little Debbie Snack Cakes than go to the gym?”
“Lack of self-control, lack of will-power, fear of pain, no time to heal” Angela ticks the reasons off on her impeccably manicured fingers “and the countless distractions and obligations of our daily lives. The Rejuvacation ™ takes away all of those obstacles.”
A momentary silence falls as Sandy takes it all in.
“What does something like that cost?” Sandy finally asks, a speculative look in her eyes as the wheels start turning in her brain.
Angela laughs and tosses her shiny hair, gesturing down the length of her newly flat-stomached, big-busted body. “Does it matter?” she asks.
==================================================
Rejuvacation ™. Because when you look this good, who the hell cares what it costs.
*********************************************************************
Are you a candidate for Rejuvacation ™ ? Our friendly financial consultants are standing by to guide you through the preliminary major asset analysis and mortgage application process.
*Rejuvacation ™ and The Lazy P Ranch & Spa are registered trademarks of Peg Co, a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries.
**Neither Peg Co. nor Peg-o-Leg Industries are responsible for any minor, incidental side affects that may result from your Rejuvacation ™, like paralysis, divorce or bankruptcy.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
This is true genius! I can TOTALLY see loads of people going for it. It just needs a celeb client to get the ball rolling and it will be a winner for sure!
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That’s JUST what we need. Who do you recommend?
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Oh gosh, I hadn’t got as far as thinking who! It would need to be someone who has let themselves go lately, so that we can see them being restored to their former glory!
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Turning my fantasy of a recreational coma into a marketable reality…
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The recreational coma is the next big thing – mark my words.
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Just another bit of science and technology that could go horribly wrong. The company could go bankrupt or be shut down by FDA and there you’d be, stuck in a cold room with a bunch of near cadavers with wounds that haven’t healed yet.
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Once we get the TV commercials going we’ll have to mention all that potentially bad stuff at the end of the ads, while we show skinny, glowing couples cavorting on the beach.
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Oh, Peg, Why are you rattling the cage so? Do you really want “sheoples” doing this stuff?
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Of course not! I just want to look like the “after” of someone who HAS done all that crap.
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AND…if you act now, we’ll include this FREE set of Ginsu steak knives, a $550 dollar value, absolutely free!!!!
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Great idea – $550 will be chump change compared to the cost of your Rejuvacation!
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But if you call this number within the next 5 minutes you will also get a gorgeous new man to go with the new you. But wait. Do read the small print – he probably will not be human but a blow up replica.
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The perfect man!
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Holy crap, sign me up. How much? WHO CARES. Take it all! A 2 month vacation where all I do is sleep and when I wake up I look like perfection personified? Oh Peg, please make this a reality. Working out is just way too much like work.
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Ain’t that the truth? This idea is born of the desperation of my fevered brain as I lay awake at night alternating between worrying about all the crap I haven’t done and worrying about all the crap I’ve been eating.
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Isn’t there already a town named Stepford? lol….
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Sign me up today, I will give it to myself as a birthday present.
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Wouldn’t it be lovely? Besides the money and the conviction that it would be incredibly shallow, the only thing stopping me from having a full-body tuck is that I could never find the time to recover from that sort of thing.
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Two months of sleep? Whats money compared to two months of sleeping?
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I don’t want new breasts or anything, but I could go for a two month nap for sure. Do they something like that? Maybe I could listen to some hooked on Spanish or something while I’m out and finally learn that second language too! Great post, POL!
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Great idea, Don! Although my target market isn’t usually all that interested in what goes INSIDE their pretty little heads.
Good to know you’re satisfied with your current breasts.
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I cashed in my retirement savings for this all-body procedure. Something went wrong and now I’m not only a dumb blonde, I look like one, too.
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Hey, if you’re going to BE a dumb blonde, you might as well be a HOT dumb blonde, right?
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Sign me up for the dead of winter. I’m a couch potato in the cold anyway and nothing much happens in January and February!
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I’ve got you down for January 2. It’s sure to be a happy new year after your Rejuvacation!
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Something tells me this isn’t too far away. 😦
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For all we know it’s going on somewhere in Switzerland. But I’m still trademarking the idea.
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I’m in! I will pay with one of my kidneys since all my money is currently going to my son’s ridiculously expensive college! 🙂 Great post.
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Hey, great side business! Piggy-backing on the plot of the original “Coma” movie, we can also harvest organs on the side to pay for treatments. Now when people say they’d give their right arm to look like some sexy celebrity, we can make it happen.
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OMG! Remember that pod movie where the old people go in the pool with those pods! Then they come acting like their 16 again…lol No, there is way to much “bat face” going on already People like Demi Moore who got their skin stretched! Why cant our generation age gracefully? I like my saggy baggidys, I really don’t care what other people think I am still strong enough to deck them. Your a trouble maker me thinks,,,,,lol
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And what a great way to “catch-up” on all that sleep you’ve been missing working those long hours (to pay for the procedure) and also do a digital detox without feeling like you’re missing out!
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Hmmm. Being unplugged for that long may be a problem. You’d have so many Facebook notifications you would be swamped! Maybe we could get Facebook to do a direct-to-the-brain feed of some sort. I’ll get the scientists working on that.
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But wait! There’s more! Order now, and we’ll include, for just $10, absolutely nothing. That’s right. If you’re one of the first 10 people to order, we’ll double your charge and include nothing!
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Hey, how’d you get a peak at the contract???
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Aren’t they all the same?? LOL
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2 months? In a coma? That means no Coke, right?! Yeah. I’m pretty sure that would kill me.
🙂
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That’s another benefit – this is the ideal detox treatment for all bad habits. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, Coke…you’d have it all worked out of your system and no pain!
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Hell, two months of sleep sounds awesome. Can I just sign up for that?
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That seems to be a common request. But I’d want to have something to show for 2 months of sleep besides a huge drool puddle on my pillow. Something like a flat tummy.
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Good point but I might be more motivated to do all of that healthy stuff if I weren’t so tired!
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I see a reality TV show in the making …
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There already was one – The Swan.
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Eew, yes, that was revolting.
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Hey, I liked that show. And the original “Extreme Makeover” show. To bad they were cancelled for PC concerns!
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C’mon. Don’t leave us hanging. What DOES it cost?
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If you have to ask….
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That’s so funny, Peg, I just posted about weight loss and slipped in something about a medically-induced coma. Are we on the same wave-length or what?!
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I just dashed over to read – funny stuff, Lorna. I guess weight loss is constantly on most women’s minds, isn’t it?
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Yes, and it’s on the AARP’s mind, too! Of course, most old people are women…
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The scary thing is, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this happen some day. Brilliant post. What a great idea for a novel it would make!
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I’ve got it in my “great idea for a novel” file folder, which is now so big I can’t close the file cabinet door. Oy!
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Brilliant idea, Pegnacious. Hell, I’d sign up just for the coma aspect, then I’d finally get some damn sleep. And if I come out looking a bit less flabby, all the better.
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Sleep – the opiate of the masses (who have young children.)
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Photo gives new meaning to the concept of SUSPENDED animation. (Call Michael Crichton. It’s his fault my puns are terrible.)
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I’d call Michael Crichton, but I’m not sure he’d take my call.
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Neither of you can call Michael Crichton, unless it’s via seance. He died in 2008 of cancer.
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Oops! My bad. 😉
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That’s what the hospital records may say … but are you sure he’s not hanging from the ceiling like everyone else in the National Coma Bank? It’s real. I’ve seen the movie twice, I know what I’m talking about.
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To make this work, you’d have to do it in a 3rd world medical location, or on a ship out at sea. Costs and red tape, you know. If only they could also pump you full of knowledge, so when you woke up, you’re IQ would be in the 130 range…oh wait! Being beautiful means you don’t have to be smart to succeed. Forget the IQ thing.
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I’m so glad you came to your senses and put that last part in – silly, silly person.
The ship idea isn’t half bad. That way we’d avoid all those pesky rules that governments are fond of laying down. We’d just float around in international waters and have people helicoptered on and off the ship.
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Oooh! I’m all in for the Coma Cruise!
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LOL! This is about the funniest thing I’ve read lately. And the more I think about your superb writing and the whole idea of the story, the more I laugh. What a great idea! I’m going to reblog this one. It should be freshly pressed and submitted to a ladies’ magazine. 🙂
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Aw, aren’t you sweet? We just have to make sure no diabolical mad scientist steals this idea while I’m getting the details worked out.
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Reblogged this on Virginia Views and commented:
Don’t miss reading this one! It’s a winner.
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This is your dream, eh Peg? Clever! Really could be the future.
But, what happens if the company goes under while you’re under?
Fun stuff… 🙂
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That’s like the move “Idiocracy”, which is totes hysterical. The guy is frozen for the army and then the program is defunded and he’s stuck in a closet for 500 years. Just think how rested you’d be after 500 years?
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Sounds like the plot to “Forever Young”.
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I haven’t seen that – is it good?
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Ha ha, this is awesome! Peg-o-leg, you should definitely patent your idea. You’d make a fortune!
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All I need to iron out is those pesky medical/science issues!
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Great idea! I am trying to lose some weight now (with as little effort as possible) and it’s not going well. I cannot believe I didn’t think of this… thanks for giving me something to ponder on while being on the exercise machines 😉
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That’s what prompted this – I need to be in a coma to avoid the siren-song of the Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
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“There’s no way eating quinoa for a couple of weeks causes THIS kind of change.”
Well, this is a real bummer. Here I am on day 12 of the all-quinoa, all the time diet. I was expecting total transformation in the next 2 days.
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If it’s all quinoa all the time, you’re on the “on the toilet all the time” diet.
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Hmmm… is there a payment plan?
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Oh yeah. You’ll pay for the rest of your life and then Peg Co needs to be written into your will.
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Two months in a coma to change your appearance? Let’s just name it the “Coma-Coma-Coma-Coma-Coma Chameleon” therapy.
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Ha! Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all day. Thanks.
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I live in LA. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that someone is actually doing that here.
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Are you kidding? You’re probably the only person on your block who doesn’t have the Mini In-Home Rejuvacation Module set up in your basement.
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Reblogged this on Camera IP and commented:
http://viettoancauvn.wordpress.com/
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So funny – this is hilarious!
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Thanks!
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I’m in-where do I sign-up!
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I’ll need to see your bank statement and two financial references before you can even see a brochure.
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The title of this post alone made me guffaw.
Been trying to get back on the diet pony, Peg?
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Oh yeah, but that damn pony keeps kicking me in the teeth!
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Oh my word! Stop the madness! We’re all becoming machines! Seriously though, thank goodness you trademarked this. You struck gold.
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I’m concerned that some monster corporation is going to try and steal my idea. All I want in my fair share of the obscene profits to be made!
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You had me at Little Debbie snack cake. I’m broke, but I’m willing to barter, up to and including my soul. But not the dog. Never the dog. Mmm, devil dogs…
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The good news is a Rejuvacation is covered on page 7346 of Obamacare!
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Very Brazil, Peg http://emoryfx.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/brazil_4.jpg
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EWWWWWWW! All that sort of thing goes on BEHIND the scenes at the Lazy P Spa, Jackie.
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You are fiendishly clever, Peg. And since I’ve given up on the bod, I too will simply take the 2 month nap. Preferably when I have work deadlines.
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I’m working on the “we’ll do all the work while you Rejuvacate” option, but there are some bugs to work out for certain occupations.
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That’s the story of my life.
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I can’t believe it. Is this for real…. or some fiendish joke being perpetrated on unsuspecting folks?
Shakti
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It’s a fiendish joke being perpetrated by ME on unsuspecting readers like YOU. Although it’s probably not too far off in the future, don’t you think?
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I very much doubt it my friend. But as they, to each his own miseries……
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Sign me up!
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As soon as I see your financial statements, Patti.
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Haha! If you even just hinted about this in Miami you would start a mad stampede of real housewives. If we were really lucky, a few of them might even get trampled to death.
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Do I detect a little bit of hostility towards certain Miami housewives, hmmmm?
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Sign me up during the summer months…I could skip those blazing temps!
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Blazing temps….winter storms….any time is the right time for a Rejuvacation!
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Someone is going to steal your idea and make a fortune. Just by the reaction in the comments they would be booked solid…forever!
I’m in.
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Wait a minute. Doesn’t me putting that TM mark all over the place mean nobody can steal my idea? Better consult the Peg Co. attorneys.
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Wow! I’ve been waiting my whole life for this, and there’s no time like the present. [See: http://soulgatherings.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/when-did-i-start-to-look-like-my-mother/%5D Sign me up…how long is the waiting list???
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Your link didn’t work, but your piece on a real-life coma patient saying goodbye moved me to tears. http://soulgatherings.wordpress.com/2013/09/12/thursday-re-view-the-last-good-bye/ Thanks for stopping by!
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You just know this is the sort of thing that people would FLOCK to by the thousands. I can picture the entire Upper East Side of Manhattan, most of Hollywood, tons of Southern ladies of leisure, and a good chunk of Washington DC going for this. I think this is a platinum mind in the making, Peg.
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It would be a smash, I know. The only thing holding me back is a lack of money, knowledge and time to execute this idea. Mere details, eh?
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What a witty boob you are! Thanks for the laugh and for reminding us of how good coma patients have it!
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Er, that wasn’t QUITE the take-away lesson I was going for, Miss Bude, but I certainly appreciate the compliment (Boob? Really, Sis?)
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Don’t think I haven’t thought that if they could just put me in a coma for a couple of weeks I could lose some weight….
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At this point I think it’s the only diet that will work for me. Sigh.
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I can see the 30 min. infomercial already!
Hilarious….but within the realm of possibility? (good that’s trademarked)
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As long as all you have to do to trademark is add those 2 letters, I’m golden. Let the profits roll in!
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Oh it’s horrible… but also insanely funny! I loved it! How did you come up with something like this?
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