Congratulations – you’re getting married!
One of the most crucial decisions you’ll make is where to have the wedding. If you’re like many brides, you’ve tuned out advice from clueless old fogies (i.e. your parents) and listened to your Inner Disney Princess. She says:
It’s MY special day; I’ll do exactly what I want.
That’s why you’ve decided on an outdoor wedding.
You can see it now: birds will soar lazily through a blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds, their chirping blending sweetly with your music. A soft, gentle breeze will perfume the 75-degree air with the scent of freshly-mown grass and flowers.
Pfffft.
That’s what it was like LAST weekend. Time to deal with the reality of today.
Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor. That’s why the clever bride makes sure she’s ready for anything, with a little help from Peg-Co. Our Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of wedding favors combines sentiment and practicality so you can handle whatever Mother Nature throws at you.
We’ve got you covered for:
- Stench: How ironic for a hipster like you to have her ceremony at a real farm! But what’s a city girl to do when inconsiderate farmers have chosen today, of all days, to fertilize? Nosepins to the rescue. You’ll end up smelling like a rose when you protect your guests’ scents sense with our customized clothespins
- Noise: It turns out the Tri-state Harley Club’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Mufflers” competition is being held right across the street. Guests won’t be able to hear a word of the ceremony, let alone the $100/hour harpist you booked. Our Hear No Evil MP3 players with attached earphones save the day. They’re just like the ones you rent for self-guided museum tours. But instead of hearing the difference between Cubism and Pointillism, guests will enjoy a full wedding ceremony, pre-recorded with your names inserted in all the right places. Please specify: Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Jewish, or New Age services.
- Cold: Toast The Bride gloves and scarf sets embroidered with your names will bring this special day to mind long after the feeling returns to your guests’ extremities.
- Hot: Nothing puts a damper on a party like half the guests dropping from heat stroke. When the mercury hits 98 degrees in May (for the first time in recorded history) you’ll be glad you ordered Ice, Ice, Baby terry cloth ice-pack covers. Just fill with ice (not included) and have guests sling them across the back of their necks. Your names custom embroidered on the cover reminds guests whom they can thank for having a hot time in the old town tonight.
- Rain: Personalized Pair-a-sols umbrellas are big enough to protect two lovebirds even if it’s raining cats and dogs.
- More Rain: It’s been raining for 10 days straight, but you’re not worried; you’ve booked the Wedding Ark! Our rowboat is painted white and draped with tulle to provide a charming way to ferry guests, two-by-two, across the Lake of Love (formerly the parking lot) to your ceremony site. (Please specify if you also wish to hire Captain Moses to man the oars.)
- After the Rain: It finally stopped raining, but you’re still bailing out from last week’s deluge. When the lawn at your venue has turned to swamp, guests will be thankful for These Boots Were Made For Weddin’ galoshes. See-through, plastic boots personalized with your names slip right over guests’ expensive Manolo Blahniks. Not only does this protect their shoes, it makes sure their 6” stilettos don’t turn guests into human lawn Jarts. (Be sure to pick up some Leg Savers to keep folding chairs from being similarly planted in the saturated ground.)
- Plague: The weather is clear and warm, the ground is firm and dry, the air is sweet smelling and blessedly quiet. Congratulations – your wedding day looks just like you dreamed!
I said it LOOKS great.
But after all the recent rain and heat, setting foot on the grass is sure to raise swarms of mosquitoes big enough to carry the bride off like the winged monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. (Don’t) Bite Me personalized bottles of Deep Woods Off protect guests from Dengue Fever with the light scent of orange blossom.
Matchbook covers and personalized napkins are all very well for a “normal” wedding, but when you move it outside you need Peg-Co’s Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of products.
With Peg-Co on your side, when Mother Nature asks, “Can you take it?” you’ll respond, “Dish it out!” and flip her the bird.
*10% discount for combination orders. After all, every one of these contingencies is equally likely to happen. Please allow at least 6 months for personalization and to give your parents time to line up a second mortgage. Peg-Co ( a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries) is not responsible for normal wedding hazards including, but not limited to, ruined shoes, malaria, or a drunken bride telling her new mother-in-law what she REALLY thinks of her.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
This is great, but I don’t think you have thought of wind? (And I’m not talking about the type that develops after a dodgy wedding buffet). Wind can be a big problem at outdoor weddings, what with all those hats and floaty skirts. Do do you have something for that eventuality too?
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I haven’t forgotten, V. The Nosepins do double-duty to hold down fly-away skirts when a nor’easter blows through the ceremony. I didn’t have room for all that fine print here – check your catalog.
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Ok thank you, I will do that.
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“…don’t turn guests into human lawn Jarts.” Oh, you owe me a coffee, Peggles. I just spit out half of mine reading this. I LOVE the idea of “OFF!” party favors.
My hipster self got married on a dock on the Jersey shore (well, technically a bay) in August, which was probably cruel and insane, except lo and behold, it was 75 degrees and sunny. I actually think that’s bad luck for a marriage? (That’s why I have back-up spouses.)
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I agree. That line slayed me as well. No coffee consumption was present for me, though, so Peg and I are all square.
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Whew! I have a $500 per incident keyboard deductible on my liability insurance.
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Add me to the “ruined my keyboard, thanks a lot, Peg” gang.
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You ARE the exception to the rule, Jules. “weddin’ on the dock of the bay…watchin’ the TI-i-ide roll away”
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This is very thoughtful for the bride, Peg, but what about the groom? You would be taking away the opportunity for him to learn what’s in store for him henceforth and forevermore. Yes, I’m talking about that adage “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Without the usual wedding problems there would be no bridezilla and hence no forewarning for the groom of what his pathetic life is going to be like after uttering those fateful words “I do.” Funny how the shortest sentence in the English language quickly becomes the longest “sentence” for the unwary fellow.
I’m surprised a successful company like Peg-O-Industries could overlook half of it’s market demographic like this.
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I didn’t overlook the groom, Al. It’s just that the most important day of his life has absolutely nothing to do with him. All he has to do is show up, shut up and, as Don was told below, don’t get drunk.
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I rest my case.
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Ah wedding talk always takes me back to my special day. My lovely bride to be forbade me from drinking too much until after pictures were taken, but when I walked into the tavern across the street from the church before the ceremony, her grandmother was there. Grandma asked, “no beer, don?” When I said her grand daughter told me not to drink before the wedding for sure (11am wedding, you’d think it’d be easy) grandma told me that it’d be the last decision I’d ever get to make on my own, but whatever. I understood that to mean “start drinking buddy, so I did!” Oh, and it was overly warm for September, so we could have used some of those neck things.
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“until after the pictures were taken”. Not all day? She sounds like a very understanding lady.
We went to one of those “overly warm” weddings last summer. Between monitoring all the sweat rivulets that had been my hairspray and makeup as they made their way down to soak into my pantyhose, and wondering at what point in the ceremony the father of the bride in his tux was going to pass out, the time passed very quickly.
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You are good and quite creative! I like what you have to offer. You have indeed covered many of Mother Nature’s obstacles. 🙂
However, here in Oklahoma May to August is tornado season. It’ll be bright and sunny in the early morning but with the afternoon comes not only the rain, but also the wind that Vanessa mentioned and the lightening! Yet the outdoor weddings are still scheduled in hopes that mother nature won’t show up in a bad mood! What we need is a wedding storm shelter in a box!!!
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That’s a great idea! The happyness engineers at Peg-Co will get working on the “Storm Chapel” of Love right away.
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What a great morning laugh, you gave me! This is brilliant! Love the description of stilettos digging into the ground – been there! 🙂
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The folding chairs stuck in the lawn resonated more with me, more. I remember one wedding you literally had to call out “little help here!” to ask people to hoist you out of chairs sunk 4″ in the ground.
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The daughter of a teacher friend of mine had scheduled her wedding the day of IKE…as in Hurricane Ike…what to do? what to do?…they scheduled it again one month later…everyone was really nice about it not charging except the florist :(.
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That was really nice. I can understand the florist, though. Their stuff can’t be reused and it won’t keep a month.
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I. Love. This. I particularly love that you understand that malaria is a “normal wedding hazard.”
To all of these potential hazards, I would add sun. You would think that sun would be just what you want for an outdoor wedding, but, let me tell you, it’s not. I was one of those lucky brides who ridiculously planned an outdoor wedding and had an absolutely stunning sunny day for it. But, my husband decided to take advantage of the nice day by spending the 8 hours proceeding our wedding surfing with his buddies. Sounds idyllic, right? It was until I began walking down the aisle and saw that I was marrying a lobster, not a man. Dude was sunburned to the high heavens. We then spent the first five minutes of our ceremony in a whisper “discussion” about his skin tone and how we were going to have to print all of our pictures in black & white like we were married in 1942.
Sunscreen. Don’t ever forget it.
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Sunscreen – doh! How could I forget? Perhaps we’ll offer the Deep Woods Off/sunscreen combo so we cover all the bases.
Poor lobster man. Even with sunscreen it would have been painful after he had the burn. Maybe we should offer a keffiyeh embroidered with the groom’s name and hearts?
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Guests will be protected from ticks, biting flies, gnats and chiggers, too! NICE!!!
🙂
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We’re working on something to repel charging rhinos. Just to be thorough.
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You should also work on something that automatically repels any guest from even *thinking* about dancing the Macarena.
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And the Conga line.
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how about the hOKEY pOKEY?
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Oh, where were you when I planned my wedding in an un-airconditioned hut in July in the Florida panhandle?
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Huh? Jeez, Nicole. Are you suggesting Peg-Co should offer bridal therapy (for the truly disturbed). 😉
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Yeah, I’m with Nicole. Where were you when I got married? Well…actually the weather was perfect, sunny and 70….but Jim forgot his dress socks to go with his tux and my nephew ate his weight in shrimp at the reception. I could have used your help then, Peg. (this was the funniest, most brilliant post, I’m still laughing and spewing coffee all over my computer)
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I’m afraid those are the normal hazards of wedding days. We COULD offer personalized socks for the groomsmen, but that’s just one more thing to forget. Actually, that would be great. Especially for hipsters – brightly colored socks to contrast with the dark, skinny pant.
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A brilliant post as we head off into wedding season. Sadly/fortunately nobody ever invites me to these things any more …
We got married in September — and boy could we have used Ice, Ice, Baby terry cloth ice-pack covers. We also could have used some Jetson cars as our wedding was in a church many miles from our reception place. Both were lovely and it cut down on the cost of the food.
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Jetson cars – why didn’t I think of that? Or, if by chance those are a tad difficult to find, how about strapping young men to carry guests to the reception? They could be dressed only in tight black pants and red bow ties and we’ll call them “Chippenclydesdales”.
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I might not have even bothered getting married then. And of course there are pluses and minuses both ways!
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THIS:
“Not only does this protect their shoes, it makes sure their 6” stilettos don’t turn guests into human lawn Jarts.”
Lord, you are good. If you were on Twitter, you’d be dangerous. *wink*
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Someday I’m gonna figure out what that Twitter business is all about, Miss Renz, and then….watch out world!
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Looks like you have all the Mother Nature phenomena covered here. What happens when the bride leaves the groom at the altar? Or when the bride makes her bridesmaids wear floral, puffy-sleeved dresses? Peg-Co to the rescue!
Great post!
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I’m not sure if Peg-Co has anything in their little black bag to cover either of those events. Bad taste in bridesmaids’ dresses kind of goes with the territory, doesn’t it?
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I understand that east coast brides can also expect swarms of cicadas this year – now that would make for a memorable wedding.
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Seriously? Better double down on our east coast advertising budget for our “Moses” line of anti-plague ware. (THIS is where I wanted to use Moses. The ark reference was supposed to be Noah, as my eagle-eyed brother just pointed out to me. I’m mortified.)
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Anti-plague ware – perfect.
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This is awesome. Also, I may need to order some of those custom bug spray wedding favours.
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I went to one last year and we all came away from the ceremony looking like we had chicken pox, we had so many bites. They planned to have some people dine on the terrace at the reception but the bugs were so bad the guests said “are you nuts?” and they had to squeeze all the tables inside.
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That sounds…memorable, to say the least.
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You know what you forgot? Guest stand-ins. Think like the cardboard cut-out people they put in the seats at the Oscars or baseball games when they have to make the stadium look full. When we got married, the severe thunderstorm kept about half of our guests (who did RSVP, I might add, so we already paid for their reception meals) from showing up. Our ceremony looked a little forlorn with all those vacant seats. If only I’d had Peg-Co’s Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of products to save the day and my embarrassment (if not the pocket book).
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That’s a GREAT idea! You could specify “Bubba” or “Reginald” versions depending on the vibe you wanted to establish for your big day. Genius.
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I sang one of those outdoor adventure weddings one July — in a gazebo in a park. 95 degrees, no breeze… I had to play guitar and sing, all captured on video, of course. I wiped hands at the last second, then started to play. The sweat poured down my face, wetting my hands and making it hard to play the guitar. I still somehow kept the “full of love-troubador” look on my face, even as the “River Sweat” rolled down the valley of my back. Who was to know that my own wedding — indoors — would be just as hot, especially when the AC went out at the reception!!! (BTW, wouldn’t the captain be Noah? Would Tenille be the first mate? Just wondering…)
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Oh jeez, that’s right. You had yours indoors, but (here’s the take-away lesson for readers) it was at the Skyroom on the surface of the sun.
As to Captain Moses, something about that didn’t look right when I was typing it, but I ignored it. Maybe I need to read that book more. You know, that book? The one with the stories? Like Goldilocks and the Maccabees? Yeah – I need to bone up on that book a little more.
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Your advertising acumen has once again done it’s magic! I’m ready to buy two of everything, and I’m not even getting married. Peg-Co, take me away! Speaking of which, do you have a honeymoon package?
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We’re working out the details now. Any recommendations?
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Do you have anything for earthquakes?
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Hmmmm. I’ll get my engineers working on the Bridal Bunker and a veil reinforced with re-bar to withstand falling concrete.
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I guess you and I lucked out having our weddings in early November. Wasn’t too hot, wasn’t too cold, and it didn’t rain or snow.
I recognize some of those wedding weather fiascos you wrote about. Nice job, Peg-Co! Now you’ll start making the big bucks, right? Right? Maybe?
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That’s right – you shared most of them with me. I expect the big money to start rolling in ANY day now. Yup, any day.
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My son’s outdoor wedding in a park turned into a disaster. Tornado sirens, park being evacuated, torrents of wind and rain. Needless to say, the marriage ended the same way.
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Hey, maybe wedding weather is a foretaste of marriage to come. If all those cicadas show up on the east coast, I wonder what that might mean?
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This list should be handed to every newly engaged-bride-to-be. Perhaps you can make an arrangement to have it inserted into engagement ring boxes with the jewelry stores. My personal favourite is “Ice, Ice, Baby terry cloth ice-pack covers” with the names embroidered on them. I would use this all the time.
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I like the way you think! I’ll contact Zales and see if I can’t get something arranged.
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I sure am glad I eloped!
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wOUld you like to see our full line of glow in the dark, anti-slip ropes?
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Lol you are too much! Truly an entrepreneur!
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Oh, man. When I’m feeling too time-crunched to read blogs, I need to make sure I remember to come by here. Laughter is the best medicine, and I’ve just had some mighty medicine. 🙂
Also, I’m glad I live in L.A. for my outdoor wedding still very much TBD, but . . . I’m starting to see the whole outdoor ideal in a slightly different light! 😉
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Miss Deb! How nice to see your smiling face.
No worries about an outdoor wedding….as long as you order the entire catalog. 😉
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Lol. This made my day! If Hubs and I ever renew our vows I will definitely keep Peg Co in mind. 😉 lol
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Ha, ha ha! This is a timely post and please be ready with product on Aug. 3rd, what is needed to be determined. Please pack your car accordingly.
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