The knee-bone’s connected to the – kicking bone…
My physical reflexes have never been what they once were. My mental reflexes are probably worse. Yet if a verbal hammer hits a certain spot in my brain, the guy wielding that hammer is probably gonna get a reflexive kick to the gonads. Metaphorically speaking.
Here are some of the hammers that trip my automatic response.
For The Love Of God, Give Me the Cliffs Notes Version
What they say: To make a long story short…
My response: Too late!
Anyone who says, “to make a long story short” is a big, fat liar. No story is being shortened. People who say this (and you know who you are) never do so until AFTER they have already told you the extended-play version of the tale. Told it in such excruciating detail that you’re getting ready to gnaw your own foot off to escape, like a fox in a trap.
This is my biggest knee-jerk-reaction temptation. When I hear “to make a long story short”, an answering cry of “too late!” burbles up from the depths of my being. Only iron-willed self control keeps me from shouting it out. Usually.
Pythagoras Can Bite Me
What they say: The square root of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the remaining two sides.
My response: Not only that, Professor…
This favorite response is homage to the intrepid crew and passengers of the S.S. Minnow. For those too young to remember Gilligan’s Island, the braineiac Professor never missed an opportunity to use obscure, scientific jargon when plain English would have done just as well. This was especially true when he was dealing with that simple-minded man/child, Gilligan. Gilligan would then summarize the Professor’s complicated explanation into one, “see Jane run” kind of sentence.
“Not only that, Professor…” cues the speaker that they might consider restating something in a simpler way. Or it cues them that I’m a condescending jerk myself.
Conduct Unbecoming A Longshoreman
What they say: @#$*&^!#%
My response: You kiss your mama with that mouth?
A couple of teenage boys were standing next to me in a crowd and one casually dropped the f-bomb. I punched him lightly on the arm and said, “You kiss your mama with that mouth?” I know, I know; it’s not my business, it’s freedom of speech and I’m lucky he didn’t punch me back. Luckily, the young man responded as I hoped. He looked surprised and had the grace to mumble, “Oh, sorry.”
When did foul curses become acceptable for everyday conversation? Hows about we remember that there is a time and place for everything? After all, the expression is “all the world’s a stage” not, “all the world’s a locker room.”
This Tornado Got Any Silver Linings? Anything? Anything?
What they say: My husband ran off with my sister, my hound dog ran off with a poodle and my pickup truck died.
My response: Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
It’s a delicate balancing act to be empathetic when someone is going through a rough patch, and I’m not talking about serious situations. But when confronted with an Eeyore who only talks about the downside of life’s little challenges, sometimes this reduced-to-the-absurd reminder can get them to lighten up a bit.
Sometimes all I get is a blank look when I say “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?” If they think about it for a while and still don’t get it, they have to add, “I am a slow-witted dolt” to their laundry list of Reasons Why Life Sucks.
Maybe I shouldn’t try to squelch these knee-jerk reactions. Maybe my funny little responses can help people. Or maybe they’ll cause the listener to instinctively deliver a swift kick to MY gonads for being such a smart aleck buttinski.
What verbal stimulus sets off your automatic response?
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Oh, I’m with you on this — the long story people and the endless complainers are especially aggravating to me.
LikeLike
The thing that bugs me about the endless complainers is, they don’t draw breath long enough to listen to MY endless complaints.
LikeLike
So unfair.
LikeLike
I have been known to utter the phrase, “to make a long story short” when I realize I’ve been babbling a while and want to wrap it up, but I’m also the one that usually follows that up with a “too late!!” because I realize that I’m way past that point. Does that give me extra brownie points, Professor Pegolicious?
LikeLike
Yes. You are absolved of all guilt by poking fun at yourself. But to be truly absolved you must go and “to make a long story short” no more.
LikeLike
I had a girlfriend who when she realized she’d been rambling about something would wind herself up by saying, “So, anyway, to make this story even longer and more drawn out…” At least she was honest…
LikeLiked by 1 person
The first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem, right?
LikeLike
I’m surprised, like you, with the use of inappropriate language. Having said that, I spent an hour and a half with my dad in a doctor’s waiting room yesterday, and realized how often my dad uses ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ and he isn’t even upset about anything.
I’m afraid I almost had a knee jerk reaction when the nurse finally stopped to apologize for keeping us waiting that long. She said, “We’re running just a wee bit late”… but I managed to keep my mouth shut.
LikeLike
Me too, Margie. Those words have crept into my daily vocabulary; words I would have had my mouth washed out for saying as a kid.
I admire your willpower in not shouting “Ha!” to that wee bit late comment.
LikeLike
No, I didn’t shout “Ha!” I just asked them if they were going to pay for the parking ticket I was going to get if I wasn’t back at my car real soon!
LikeLike
and they said “sure!”
LikeLike
HA. YES. The “long story short” one gets me, too, and I’m definitely reading your Eeyore post next. I’ve found I’ve had to take a pity-laugh approach to Wet Blankets, otherwise they drive me up the wall. I work with someone where every conversation starts like this: ME: “Hey Happy Friday! How are you?!” HIM: “Oh, you know, it’s just so, so, so busy. SIGH. WHINE. SIGH.”
Every.
Time.
THEN! If I play into it via reverse psychology (“Yeah, I know. It’s ridiculous. I can’t take it anymore.”), he always says something -in a total Eeyore tone, I might add- like, “But I’m trying to stay positive.”
HA!
LikeLike
Your chronic happiness might just be super aggravating! Have you ever thought of that?
LikeLike
Hi Don! Happy Friday!!!
LikeLike
I work with a woman who never shuts the fuck up. Unfortunately, my “office” is also the break room. I wanted to punch her this morning because she didn’t respect the fact that last night was softball night and I’m extremely hung over and have no interest in anything she has to say verbally. ANYTHING. Go to your office and email me your words, bitch!!
Crap, can I curse on this poor woman’s comment section??
LikeLike
I can’t believe you kiss your mother with that mouth.
LikeLike
I don’t really kiss my mother anymore, but I should. She’s a good woman and means well, even if she can be annoying sometimes. Not labradoodle annoying, but annoying nonetheless.
I hope you’re having a wonderful Friday as well. And you too, Pegoleg!!! Everyone is wonderful!
LikeLike
You kiss your mother with that mouth? 😉
LikeLike
ACK! JINX!
LikeLike
Um, Don, ixnay on the ofanity-pray….okay?;)
LikeLike
Then there’s “Well, it’s a long story but…” Oh, groan. Please, no, can I be excused? Great post.
LikeLike
That would be funny, Lynn, it you actually raised your hand like you were in 2nd grade and said “May I be excused?” Rude, no doubt, but funny.
LikeLike
One argument to getting in a word edgewise is someone kindly saying “I’m not trying to be difficult but…blahblahblah.” Yes, you ARE trying to be difficult and you’ve just cancelled out in your mind thoughts others may have on the matter. “Such a lonely existence,” I think– do not say…grrrr…yes, that’s me growling.
LikeLike
I love how you see the other person’s point of view. I was rereading the Desiderata the other day and there’s a line that goes something like, “Listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for even they have their tale.” I need to remind myself of this when the “grrr factor” is climbing.
LikeLike
I kind of remember all that, but since I am now living in a country where I don’t speak the language fluently (yet) I don’t really have any of these problems anymore. After reading your excellent post, I am kind of motivated to keep it that way 😉
LikeLike
That must be frustrating, not to be able to catch the nuances in your adopted country’s language. I help out with an English-as-a-second-language course and last week I was trying to explain humor and sarcasm. Here’s an interesting tidbit: knock-knock jokes don’t translate well into Spanish OR Mandarin.
LikeLike
I’m not that frustrated that I miss the nuances (yet), because 1 Ignorance is bliss and 2. there are other things that frustrate me more (like the copious amounts of paperwork for just about everything and the fact that I always seem to miss one apparently important item. Arghh).
LikeLike
Oh and knock-knock jokes apparently don’t translate to Dutch as well. I just don’t get them either 😉
LikeLike
When they say: “It’s none of my business, but…..”
Then I say: “Wow, you’re really perceptive!”
LikeLike
Do you really say that Al? Knowing you (as well as I can know someone I don’t know) I bet you keep it to yourself so as not to hurt their feelings.
LikeLike
You’re starting to scare me, Peg. Do you and Patty talk?
LikeLike
I’m not particularly proud of this, except to say that so far I’ve kept it on the inside (but my filter is fading and I’m so very afraid one day it’s going to slip out). Just between you and me, far too often during the course of daily affairs, I want to say. . . .
“Here’s your sign.” — Bill Engvall.
LikeLike
I was halfway to work when I realized I got the trigger/response backward. Unintentional irony is my specialty. Here’s my sign!
LikeLike
You mean you respond with “here’s your sign” or you always want to respond when someone ELSE says “here’s your sign?” Cuz I could see either situation happening.
LikeLike
OUCH!!! That smarts! You would kick me with #1. I am guilty of long-winded stories, hence my new passion….drum roll please…. writing stories! I only edit on my computer. 🙂
LikeLike
You’re a genius! We could all use “Blab Check”. All you have to do is invent a verbal edit gizmo to put on our mouths. Get working on that project, OK?
LikeLike
How about, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but……” or “I don’t mean to offend you, but….” But WHAT? They end up saying it the wrong way AND offending you! Grrrrr!
LikeLike
OH yeah. You can practically see the offensive comment coming the wrong way down the road, straight at you.
LikeLike
I second all your suggestions, and also that of brickhousechick. I will add one of my own: “Calm Down.” I am a very patient understanding person. If I am upset, it is for a reason. “Calm Down” makes me go completely berserk, which I don’t think quite reflects the intention of the suggestion.
LikeLike
Is it just me, or is this most likely to be uttered by a mand during marital discord? And it’s guaranteed to ratchet up the conflict to Def Con 1.
LikeLike
Add to that, “Chill Out”. Hate that one too.
LikeLike
My top knee-jerk is:
“What you have to understand….”
To which I reply:
“I don’t ‘have’ to anything, but if I love you, I will try to see why you want me to change, so you don’t have to….
🙂
LikeLike
Ooooh, zinger.
LikeLike
I hate “long story short.” I twitched when I read it, because I immediately associate it with a guy I used to work with who never stops talking, rambles endlessly, I mean really drags out every point he wants to make because he’s not very good at word selection and he’s kind of a used car salesman so he’s always working the deal and trying to sell you on whatever it is that he’s saying. And he finishes and then says “long story short” and then basically launches into the whole thing again so–
Long story short: he’s a moron.
And as much as I might swear in my blog, I HATE public swearing without regard for who might overhear. It is NOT a free speech issue. It’s a courtesy and social grace issue.
But my biggest problem of all is probably the malaprop. It’s like nails on a chalkboard when someone mixes their metaphors or screws up a common phrase. I just want to correct them, but my mother tells me that’s rude.
LikeLike
I can relate, but your mom is right. Correcting somebody else is as rude as two birds in a bush that have been rode hard and put away wet.
LikeLike
Heehee.
LikeLike
The worst is Eeyores on Facebook. I’m sure they’re not downers ALL THE TIME in real life, but when you only post every time you get sick or burn something, people are gonna hate, and that person is me.
LikeLike
Debbie Downers are ALMOST as annoying as Positive Post Per Day Pollyannas. Almost.
LikeLike
Ok then, to make a long story short……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
LikeLike
Exactly.
LikeLike
I frequently use the “Mrs. Lincoln” line. And I have a dear friend who often does the “long story short” thing. Every time I tell myself how much I love her, so I can keep from flicking her. Or worse.
LikeLike
Good tactic. What do you do if the offender is NOT somebody you love? Are they fair game then? I just need to know the rules so, if I mess up, I can say “it was Sweetie’s idea!”
LikeLike
I’m not a fan of someone repeating a story over and over again. I want to scream and yell, “SHUT UP! I’ve heard this a million times.” But I’m usually too polite or the person is older and I’m respectful.
Or when someone says, “Isn’t that ironic?” AND IT’S NOT IRONIC. I want to say, “Actually, that’s a coincidence, you moron.”
LikeLike
I sooooo know what you mean with the repeating story, especially with the elderly. But that can also be an issue when you’ve known somebody forever, like your spouse. He may be trotting out the same old material to a fresh audience. Except for you, and you’re trapped.
I’m afraid I might misuse the ironic tag, so I tend to avoid it.
LikeLike
Peg, it’s usually my dad who’s telling me the story for the jazillionth time so I have to just listen and smile.
You’re far too intelligent to misuse ironic, but I’m with you on not using it–just in case. I do the same thing!
LikeLike
Yup, like that son “Isn’t it ironic?” by Alanis M. Um…nope it’s not ironic at all, actually.
LikeLike
son = song
LikeLike
Rain on your wedding day? Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife? Sounds like rotten luck to me, not irony. Thank you, D, for getting me.
LikeLike
I use “Mrs. Lincoln” too! And with friends, I’ll pitch in…”to make a long story LONGER.” But my number one reflexive ARGH is “I could care less” when they should be saying “I couldn’t care less.”
LikeLike
That IS a doozy. Hasn’t it been misused so much that it has come to mean the same thing in daily use? Or is it still wrong, wrong, WRONG!
LikeLike
http://birdiesiview.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/no-problem/. This is one of the things that people say that causes me to want to have a snappy comeback.
LikeLike
Uh-oh. Guilty as charged. I say that all the time and my husband has the same pet peeve. I think it’s a cheery, helpful response. No?
LikeLike
Oh, oh, oh. This one drives me bugsh*t! Here’s my response now:
Me: Thank You.
Them: No problem
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?
Them: Huh?
Me: Was there a problem?
Them: Huh?
Me: Well, you mentioned a problem. I’m terribly sorry.
Them: Huh?
(Sometimes this goes on for awhile depending on how much entertainment value I’m cruising for that day.)
LikeLike
Oh, yes, I think we can all relate to these, though I must admit, I do enjoy sounding a little Frasier Cranish in my blog writing. It helps me look less stupid when I’m writing about pee and poo. Or so I think. But feel free to write: “Not only that, Professor…” in one of your comments when you come visit. 😉
And yes, the Eeyores. Oh, the Eeyores. That can be a tough one.
LikeLike
Carrie, you’re a doctor. You’re supposed to sound smarter than the average bear.
LikeLike
Hmm, if all I have to do is sound smarter than a bear, and not Yogi bear, but rather, just an average bear, then I might be able to pull that off. Then again, for all I know, those beasts are quoting Proust and Nietzsche.
LikeLike
Be very wary of bears that can spell Nietzsche. They will have other skills too.
LikeLike
Hahahaha. Should I admit I had to look up the spelling of Nietzsche? Would Frasier Crane?
LikeLike
Yes, but Niles would know it. So did my iPhone’s spell check.
LikeLike
Is it a problem if I admit I had to look up Frasier Crane?
LikeLike
Haha. I guess that makes us even. 🙂
LikeLike
As long as you sound smarter than the bears in the commercials about the best toilet tissue to deal with urine and fecal matter, you’ll be OK, Carrie.
LikeLike
Oh, good. I can handle that.
LikeLike
I can’t stand when someone starts off with “As a friend…” or “I’m not going to tell you what to do, but…”
That and my brother saying the same, old, tired jokes at family reunions. I’ve started to interrupt with the punchline halfway through the joke, but he still keeps going on. So that’s when I go to the mall and drop f-bombs next to total strangers. Was that you?
LikeLike
Does your arm still hurt from where I punched you?
LikeLike
How about when you casually ask in passing “How are you?” in passing and they give you a cell by cell description. This usually happens when I’m on my way to the bathroom, so maybe I’m just extra sensitive.
Or how about folks who give you great details about their lives and never bother to ask how you’re doing.
LikeLike
What nerve! To think that a question about how they’re doing could merit an actual answer????
Even though that sounds snarky, it’s a fact, isn’t it? That is just a polite nothing; a rhetorical question and we assume everybody knows it.
LikeLike
It should depend on how it’s asked. If I look into your eyes and make myself comfortable for the long haul, go ahead and give me the details. Otherwise, “fine, thanks” works (even if you are in cardiac arrest).
LikeLike
At least nine times a day, someone will ask, “Can I ask you a quick question?”
I have several knee jerk responses, depending on the person who asks. Most often I want to say, “You just did.”
Runner up is, “Sure, the question is quick, but I’m not promising the answer will be.”
LikeLike
Ha ha! “You just did” is a great response, but then you should just walk briskly away from them.
LikeLike
I used to work with someone who would come to my office fairly often to have this conversation with me:
Him: Can I ask you about something later?
Me: What is it? You can ask me now.
Him: No, I’m not ready now. I’ll come by later.
Me: Oh, is this going to take more than a few minutes? When do you want to do it?
Him: I’ll come by later.
Most of the time, he never followed up.
LikeLike
Maybe he wanted to ask for a date. True story — I had a very similar situation for the past year or so. I thought he was priming me for an Amway pitch or to join a cult. Just a few weeks ago, on a really bad day, he stood in my doorway and said he enjoyed interfacing with me and we should interface outside of work some time. I’m still not sure whether it was an Amway pitch or a cult indoctrination.
LikeLike
Hippie’s got a boyfriend, Hippie’s got a boyfriend. Your cue was when he punched you in the arm and then sent his friend across the playground to talk to you.,
LikeLike
It better be good after building that kind of tension.
LikeLike
I tend to want to say “That’s she said” after everything.
LikeLike
Oops I meant “That’s what she said”
LikeLike
Nothing wrong with a judiciously placed “That’s what she said”, but if it’s always the go-to response…isn’t there a Saturday Night Live sketch like that?
LikeLike
Pingback: Count to 10…Then, you can still yell… | The Good, Bad and Ludicrous
I can totally relate. I was recently scarred for life by a conversation between smoking catholic schoolgirls discussing their distaste for their friend’s preference for anal sex over their own vanilla sex lives. I mean come on girls, those discussions are for the playground, not the bus stop.
LikeLike
Ewww. Just…..yeah.
LikeLike
…but you don’t understand.
No, I understand. I don’t agree.
LikeLike
…but the only reason you don’t agree is because you don’t understand. Perhaps if I restated my argument… TEN TIMES LOUDER!!!!
LikeLike
This post made me laugh, and I enjoyed reading the comments too! Another one that gets me is those people where you tell them a story about something that’s happened, and it doesn’t matter what the story is, they’ll always say “Yes, that happened to me too”, except that their story will always be bigger and better than the one you just told. After they’ve finished with their hugely exaggerated story, I always feel like saying “Oh I’ve just remembered another time where something like that happened” and then go even bigger and better than theirs, maybe ending with a spaceship landing and Elvis stepping off it and buying us all a chocolate mountain which we snowboarded down accompanied by a pack of dogs who were singing songs from South Pacific.
LikeLike
Ah, yes, the topper talker. Like kids on a playground – “Oh yeah? Well, My Dad can beat your Dad ANY day!” Quick rebuttal – “Oh Yeah??? Well, my MOm can kick your Mom’s cooking EVERY day!” And on and on it goes. For Ever. So much fun.
LikeLike
You’re right, it is just an extension of playground behaviour, I hadn’t thought of that!
LikeLike
OH yeah. The “I can top that” talker. Both of you are right-on. I sometimes have to catch myself – am I trying to top, or am I just trying to relate my similar experience? That can be a fine line.
LikeLike
Well, I was going to say that my knee-jerk reaction happens when someone hi-jacks the conversation with “I know what you mean. One time…”and off they go with their own story of how they saved the world.
But I just realized Vanessa-Jane Chapman complained about the very same thing in the blog in front of me and if I complain about the same thing, then I’m just hi-jacking her thread.
So…crap…I need to get here earlier and comment or offer you a buck to move my post higher up in the comment line.
LikeLike
Ha! Beat you to it! 😉
LikeLike
Give me $5 and I can promise a choice, front-row-comment seat, Barb. Vanessa-Jane, do I hear $10?
LikeLike
I guess so, as long as I can pay in installments.
LikeLike
Dear, dear. I often tell longish stories with smarty-pants vocabulary sprinkled with colorful swears about my woes. You’d need a pill before we talked in person, but I think I have some leftovers…
LikeLike
A pre-coffee-klatch tranquilizer? Probably a good idea for talks with MOSt people.
LikeLike
Oh, bother! I’m surrounded by Eeyores. My mom is the biggest one, she could see the downside to a sunny day.
I guess I’m not a fan of someone who lays into me with thinly-veiled insults, but then at the end they say “No offense” and think that somehow makes up for it.
LikeLike
That’s so rude. And the cutting remarks iced with a sweet, pink frosting of funny. So not only are you being mocked, you don’t have a good sense of humor if you don’t laugh along with it. A lot of humor is like that, and it makes me squirm even while I’m laughing.
LikeLike
All so true! And to make a short story even longer I love that you refer to the whiners as “Eeyore” I have a few people in my life that I call “Eeyore” for the same reason. O course they think it is a term of endearment.
LikeLike
It’s only a term of endearment if your name is Christopher Robin.
LikeLike
People coming up to me at work and saying “Working hard or hardly working?” My response use to be to laugh hysterically, sometimes repeating it to myself and then cracking up again, as if I’d never heard that one before. After awhile that got tiresome. Now I just answer “No.”
LikeLike
“no” with a perfectly straight face probably has the same effect as over-the-top laughter; it get’s the “you are a doofus” message across loud and clear. 😉
LikeLike
Every single thing you said Peg and what Vanessa-Jane Chapman said as well. I admit to having the mouth of a sailor and sometimes willy-nilly drop bombs in my writing, but never ever drop them in public where strangers can hear me unless I intend for them too.
My other favorite, the one that truly gains my reflex action are those who insist on arguing feelings or personal reactions. Really? Is there some barometer somewhere that tells you my personal feelings should be something other than what they are and you are the expert?
LikeLike
That’s a good reminder about the feelings, Valentine. I sometimes find myself doing that and have to remind me “feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.” Or some sort of new-age mantra like that.
LikeLike
I felt myself “Hell yeah! Damn right!” with every one of these. Except the foul language one in which I responded “Heck yeah! Darn right!” Seriously, aren’t homo sapiens a total drag?
This sort of relates to your last one about Eeyore — I haaaaaaaate when people right cryptic things as their Facebook status with the obvious intent of trolling for concern. As in, “I didn’t think this day could get any worse but I guess it could!!!” Or, “Somebody’s going to be really sorry they did that to me.” Who are these middle-aged drama queens and how did I get to be friends with them on Facebook?
LikeLike
I also hate when people don’t do a better job of editing their comments.
LikeLike
Hey, watch that talk, Missy Miss. Some of my best friends are homo sapiens!
I am pretty much over whatever tiny interest I had in Facebook. I can barely bring myself to check it out every couple of weeks. And I’ve totally given up on the news as well. If something earth-shattering happens, somebody call or email me, OK?
LikeLike
Hahaha… but… but… I can shorten so many stories with an F-bomb! Or… ten.
😉
LikeLike
You can also clear the room with one.
LikeLike
Great post – pretty much every things been said.
“Polite conversation rules/conventions” of the past may have been said to be fake and covering up real feelings – but it was so much more pleasant – and less stressful.
“Too much information” being blabbed all the time is irritating – we don’t want to know. Really.
LikeLike
I love the Lincoln reply! I’m just sitting here with no outward sign of mirth but inwardly terribly enjoying it.
LikeLike
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?” CLASSIC!!!! I love it, that’s so hilarious! I might have to put that one in my rolodex!!!
LikeLike
I have definitely been taught a lesson (me of the “long story short” tendencies). I have also picked up a VERY handy tool in the “Professor” response. Problem – what if the person I am abusing with this phrase is too young to recognize Gilligan?
My phrase? “In terms of…” I mean PULEEEEEZE! Pacific Northwestern folks are most guilty of this vernacular and I, for one, have had enough. It doesn’t make you look smarter – which I believe is the goal of most. It says about as much as the word “basically,” which is zilch. Finally, most of the time it is used out of context, as in: “In terms of the cost of living, I think I need more pay.”
LikeLike