When Bacon Goes Horribly Wrong

Who doesn’t love bacon?*

Bacon is sublime.  Bacon is magical.  Whether enrobed in chocolate, hanging from a Christmas tree or just gracing your breakfast plate, its crunchy, fatty, salty goodness can’t be beat.  There’s nothing that can’t be improved with the addition of a little bacon.  In fact, I never met a piece I didn’t like.

Until now.

Part-time blogger, full-time beloved sister Terry (aka Tar-Buns) went to Maine last year and had a wonderful time.  Although she did NOT get to see the state’s primary claim to fame (now that they kicked out Jessica Fletcher). Miss Darla of She’s A Maineiac, she and her hubby did get to sit back, relax, and consume mass quantities of lobster.  She was even thoughtful enough to bring me back a little souvenir of her trip.  These things.

What could be better?

What could be better, right?

Bacon mints!

“Uncle Oinkers” – how fun is that?  Look at that happy, piggy face.  Isn’t it cheesy?  Isn’t it fun?  I chortled with glee as I flipped open the tin.  I was still chuckling as I selected a little mint, and popped it in my mouth.  Then all chortling ceased.

This brutal assault to the taste-buds starts with a dash of fake, bacon flavoring.  Not like Bac-Os; those are too authentic.  Baconish like a generic, all-chemical, knock-off version of Bac-Os called “Bak-oos”.  You buy them from a shifty guy who says “psst, c’mere, buddy” from an alleyway, who has a trench coat lined with bootlegged “Bak-oos.”   Mix that with a stick of Double-mint Gum.  Have you ever taken milk of magnesia for an upset stomach?  Remember that vile, chalky sensation in your mouth?   Put some of that stuff in as well.  Mix it up good, and put it in a Tic-tac sized mint.bakoosguy

They packed a lot of yuck in a tiny bit of real estate.

For a fleeting moment, I wondered if Tar was trying to poison me, to improve her love/inheritance ratio with Mom & Dad.  I reacted without pausing to think, and spit the thing out.  I also must have hurled the tin across the room, but I blocked the experience from my mind.

Fast-forward 6 months.  I discovered the dusty, piggy tin the other day when moving a chair to vacuum underneath.   I debated calling the bomb squad for disposal, but figured the tin container should be enough to shield humanity from the contents.   Into the trash it went.

Why am I bringing this all up?  Why here…why now?  The thing is, I don’t think I ever sent a thank you note.  All this time, Terry probably thinks I have zero manners.  She may have even told Mom!  So Tar, if you’re reading:


*with apologies to my Jewish friends


About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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95 Responses to When Bacon Goes Horribly Wrong

  1. Some things just don’t go together, like bacon and “minty fresh”.


  2. notquiteold says:

    My brother posted a photo on Facebook the other day of the latest trend in bacon – bacon wrapped french fries!


  3. Go Jules Go says:

    I don’t even like fake chocolate-flavored things (like Yoo-Hoo), so this is just… I’m impressed you even tried it. Watch out, Tar-Buns.


    • pegoleg says:

      I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Gee, you don’t think she’ll mind this post, do you? If she, you know, happens to see it.


      • Tar-Buns says:

        As if I’d miss any of your posts… I must say I did wonder what became of the bacon mints. You and your posse were all about bacon stuff when we went on our trip to Maine, so imagine my delight when I saw the happy piggy tin in the store. I was grinning and giggling in the aisles and thought they would be perfect for you!
        Since I didn’t try any myself, I assumed they were fabulous and tasty. Now I know otherwise. Sigh….so much for the bestest little souvenir for my lovely sista. Sorry they were so vile. I hope you at LEAST held onto the tin – that was cute.
        I’ll try better next trip! (and no, I didn’t rat you out for a lack of thank you note – your initial expression was thanks enough – before you knew the truth!)


  4. kerbey says:

    That does sound icky. My son was given bacon toothpaste in his stocking at Christmas (not by me), and that was RANK. Even if his teeth were clean, his breath was foul. Now, the bacon strip bandaids were pretty cool…


  5. Amy says:

    Have you tried caramelized bacon? Slather some brown sugar on your bacon and bake it at about 375 until it looks cooked (not really an exact science.) Keep an eye on it because it can go from golden brown deliciousness to charcoal very quickly.

    Love this post 🙂


    • pegoleg says:

      Thanks Amy. YES! That is one of my favorites. But I have something even better. I know it sounds weird, but it is wonderful. Have you ever heard of pickled watermelon rind? It’s kind of hard to find, usually in the store by the pickles, and it’s super, super sweet. Wrap a piece of that in 1/2 piece of bacon and broil until the bacon’s cooked. The hardest thing is having to turn each of the little things over half way through cooking.

      I guarantee, if you bring these to a party, you will have strangers volunteering to be your sex slave. Or asking for the recipe, depending on the group.


  6. mistyslaws says:

    Yeah, I have heard bad things about those mints. Bad bad BAD things. Thank you for confirming those rumors for me, Oh Peg-o-pork. I’m pretty sure this will also apply to the bacon toothpaste. See the Hipster’s comment above re: minty fresh & bacon!!


  7. JM Randolph says:

    People tend to send me a lot of bacon things for my bacon-obsessed boy. We have those mints. His greatest pleasure for a while was trying to get his sisters to eat them without telling them what they were. He also got effervescent bacon drink tabs that he kept trying to slip into their drinks.


  8. Ummm…
    0.7 ounces of WHHHUUUT?!


  9. I have a confession to make: I don’t like bacon. Even when it’s not in mint form.


  10. The Rambling Man (aka The Night Hawk Photographer) says:

    I found Bacon Beans in Sweden (bacon jelly beans). They were about the same only without the minty freshness. Utterly revolting!


  11. Al says:

    This is what inevitably happens when you try to improve on perfection.

    I wasn’t planning on having a BLT for lunch but now, nothing else will suffice.


  12. I have a confession: I force-fed some of those to Jessica Fletcher. Murder, I Wrote! mwa ha haaaa! (this post had me nonstop giggling by the way, thank you for that)


  13. I can’t stand bacon. way too salty. there is a shop called cyber candy that has all sorts of wierd candy near where i live. Ham flavoured chapstick. guacamole chaptick. odd


  14. Dana says:

    *and a cursory nod to your vegetarian friends

    Back when I ate meat (i.e. when I was 7), I only ate bacon or ham. And– I shudder to think of it now– hot dogs. Eep! I can see where the love of bacon comes from, but still– mints? Some things are best left untainted.


    • pegoleg says:

      Sorry – when I was cursorarily nodding toward my Jewish friends I forgot to aim one in the direction of my vegetarian friends. Consider yourself nodded-to.

      I had hot dogs for dinner last night. I know, I know, but I did, and I don’t regret it…much. I hope we can still be friends.


      • Dana says:

        [exaggerated sigh] I *guess* so.

        If all my friends were bacon-shunning vegans and vegetarians, I wouldn’t have many at all. (Not like I have a gigantic circle of friends otherwise, but still– a girl’s gotta keep an open mind and an even MORE open heart! Your hot dog-eating self is welcome in my circle, Peg.)


  15. bigsheepcommunications says:

    I feel the sisterly love…


  16. “Who doesn’t love bacon?” Me and every pig I’ve ever met (and I’ve met quite a few in my day)! 😉


  17. I had a maple bacon doughnut a few weeks ago. It had the potential to be a superb blending of breakfast staples in a small, easily transported bundle, but it failed. I finished it, as it wasn’t as horrific as the mints you wrote about, plus it was only a couple of bites, and I was hungry.


  18. lexiemom says:

    I didn’t know it was possible for anything with bacon to go wrong…I’m so shattered to learn this! But thanks for the warning; you are protecting the public at large with this service message.


  19. All in good fun. All in good, family=friendly fun!
    I started reading some of Darla’s exam answers – talk about writing a post!
    Yours made me chortle, Pegomybaconloving sister!


  20. k8edid says:

    Seriously, now I must have bacon…but those mints look nasty…


  21. I can’t believe this! How funny – the post, yes – and the fact that I’ve finished a post about bacon foods at the rodeo ( check tomorrow…hmmm, think I’ll link to yours, too OK?)


  22. dorannrule says:

    You were making me hungry for bacon – – – at first – – – ! A hilarious story right down to the suspicious “thank you.”


  23. I missed this yesterday, but I’m reading it this morning as I eat the bacon and eggs my husband left for me in the microwave. Glad I’m eating the real thing and not one of those after meal mints.
    And then energized by my bacon and egg breakfast I will vacuum up the Christmas pine needles lodged between the carpet and the floor board molding using a vacuum attachment. I have rationalized so far that no one can see them…but I know they’re there. I don’t think I will be finding any piggy mints though.


  24. Elyse says:

    I don’t get the bacon-on-everything craze. I nearly hurled last year when there was a commercial for Denny’s where they advertised everything with bacon. Including a bacon Sundae. That would make me die, but not go to pig heaven. Yuck.


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  26. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Yes, I’m not sure that’s a gift you thank someone for. Now, if she had brought you back a huge slab of maple bacon…


    • pegoleg says:

      Oh yeah. I just had my typical breakfast of dry, frosted mini-wheats in a baggie that I eat in the car on the way to work. For some reason, maple bacon sound…better…than that.


  27. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m one of those (apparently) few people who doesn’t care for bacon. I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. (Do I dare admit that?) But bacon mints? That might push me right over the edge. 🙂


    • pegoleg says:

      There does seem to be a bit of a bacon bandwagon-thing going on lately, and I don’t know why. Good for you for not hopping on just to be cool! I bet you resisted smoking for the same reason. And drinking.


  28. Audrey says:

    You poor thing! I’ve come across those tins a few times but ran screaming in the other direction so haven’t had the pleasure of trying them out. After reading this, I’ll continue my running and screaming.


  29. I have a confession, I don’t like bacon. I don’t even like pork or ham very much. I cook things with bacon for my family though, I wrapped the Thanksgiving Turkey with bacon before roasting it, it is the traditional standard. I wrap steak with bacon also, for my dearly beloved. But honestly, I just don’t get the whole bacon thing; it is fatty, salty and just well, just.

    Then to take something that is well ick make it even more ick, that is just twisted. I love the tin though, I would have had to keep that one.


  30. pattisj says:

    At least they had the good sense to make them SMALL! I’m glad you shared your experience before I set out to find some for my SIL, the King of Bacon. Yes, it is a place. In his mind.


  31. Pingback: Two Winners And A Rorschach Test | The Write Transition

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