Real Zombies of L.A. Buy Car Insurance
I’m a people person. I like people. I NEED people. According to Babs, that makes me one of the luckiest people in the world. But there are some people who, when you see them coming, you just know that things are not going to turn out well.
Here are a few:
- Mr. Whipple: you’ll feel dirty watching him accost the pervert in the paper goods aisle who is inappropriately fondling toilet tissue.
- Zombies: Even though you’re a healthy, 18-year-old track star and the undead move at the pace of the glaciers that carved out the Great Lakes, you’re going to trip and lie immobile in the street like an old lady stretched out on her bathroom floor in a Life Alert commercial. The zombies will eat your brains. Unless you’re the hero and his/her main squeeze, in which case you’ll be OK.
- Jessica Fletcher: somebody’s going to wind up dead. The citizens of Cabot Cove finally figured out that it wasn’t normal for a town of 300 to have 52 murders per year, and residents signed a petition asking Mrs. Fletcher to leave.
- Flo: her voice, her headband, her red lipstick – the very air she breathes is hateful to me. Each time those Progressive ads come on the telly, I hit the remote. *Interesting side statistic: The chance of such channel-changing landing on a commercial for some other car insurance company like Geico, eSurance, All State, State Farm or Farmers, or even another Progressive ad, is approximately 97%.*
- That lady in the Phillips colon health t-shirt: she knows all the dirty secrets of
your digestive system and she’s not shy about announcing them to the world. At the drugstore, on a plane, or at a PTA meeting… you’ll never be safe from her chipper, booming inquiry, “DO YOU HAVE GAS AND BLOATING?” - One of those plastic, reality-show bimbos: bad language, fights, lewdness and shallow stupidity are sure to follow. These people are desperate to extend their 15 minutes of fame and, since they must accomplish this without benefit of talent, they do so by appealing to America’s seemingly endless appetite for film footage of artificially enhanced people behaving badly in a variety of settings.
- A man & woman reclining in bathtubs on a beach:
somebody is about to subject you to an extremely personal, uncomfortable discussion of their, er, sexual performance issues. TMI and then some.
Who makes you want to run for the hills?
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Oh, my gosh, ALL of the above make me cringe!
On the other hand, I kind of have a crush on “Mayhem”……
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The airwaves are RULED by car insurance ads. ARGGGHHHH!
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Mayhem is SO cute! I completely agree!
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OK, he’s not too bad, but do you know how hard it is to try to sell insurance in the REAL world with all that TV competition? All I can say is, this blog-writing gig better start paying off pretty darn quick before the Rent-A-Center repossesses my computer.
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I’m a Mayhem fan, too. I can’t believe the Gecko didn’t make your list, Peg.
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I have a bit of a phobia about lizards so I don’t like to think about the Gecko.
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Speaking of Flo . . . I heard a new commercial on the radio yesterday (new to me, anyway) where she is singing a song. Singing. A. Song. And yes, it is exactly as obnoxious and chipper as you imagine it to be. Am I not even safe in the confines of my car?
Oh, and the answer to your question . . . my mother. ((Shudder))
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Your mother called. She wants to know why you’re mentioning her on the Interwebs. 😉
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You lie. My mom is unaware of the existence of the interwebs. I would only believe you if you said she left you a message telling you she had something really super important to talk to you about, and would only be at that number for another 3.5 minutes, so call back RIGHT AWAY. And when you fell for it and called, all worried that something had happened to a family member, she would tell you that she was at Walmart and wanted to know if your son would prefer the Cars or Toy Story sippy cup. Then. Then I would believe you, Hipster. Only then.
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Your mother called again. She read this comment and was SUPER insulted that you think she isn’t down with the latest technology. Oh, and by the way, she said she went with the Toy Story sippy cup.
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OMG. Misty — I am your mother.
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Hey, I was over at your blog commenting while you were here commenting on mine! It’s like a 3 Stooges skit where they’re going in and out opposite swinging doors.
Slowly I turned…
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Step by step . . .inch by inch . . .
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I KNEW it. I knew I was adopted!! Hallelujah, praise Jeebus.
Now, let’s talk about that inheritance.
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I think your mom and mine are the same person, Misty. “Darla? DARLA? Pick up the phone! It’s important! CALL ME! Where are you?!” then I frantically call her back later and she’ll say, “Huh? Why you calling me? Oh, yeah. Dr. Oz has a special on colon cleansing today. That is all.”
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Flo??? Singing? What is this world coming to?
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The toilet paper bears. Thanks for the images of bears wiping their asses, Charmin. Also, the free credit report dot com guy. Terrible terrible lip synching.
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Toilet paper bears. “Enjoy the go” what the hell does THAT mean???? Shudder.
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I HATE those Charmin bears (and yes, Peg– who was the brilliant ad person who thought that “Enjoy the Go” was a great idea? WRONG!) Marty likes to taunt me by asking to see if I have ‘any white pieces left behind’. “You can’t pass inspection when you have little pieces left behind”. Cringe…
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Jeez, my hubby and I like to play “Shepherdess and Big Bad Wolf” to get in the mood – never thought of the Charmin bears.
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Those bears are the gateway to romance… or not. (Most likely not.)
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I freakin’ hate those bears. Why do we need to air private…issues?
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The bathtub thing was featured heavily in a post brewing in my mind. (Is that a mixed metaphor? I hope so.) I wondered it it might be crossing a line. 🙂
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Nope. You absolutely need to go there. What’s Brewing in the Bathtub.
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Oh, definitely the guys who hang out on a corner in little downtown Mayberry every Saturday morning, screaming Bible verses and aggressively foisting religious literature upon anyone who wasn’t savvy enough to cross the street before reaching that corner. Am I going to hell for rudely refusing their offers to save my soul? Probably, but I’m okay with that.
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Next time they try to sell you on their religion, you should try to sell them some car insurance. They’ll run screaming the other way for sure – works for me every time.
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Great idea!
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Is it shameful to admit that I have a weird thing for Flo? There’s something cute and frumpy about her. I’d take Flo over Megan Fox or Beyonce any day. Dang, wish Flo did the halftime show. Okay, I’ll shut up now. Really fun post. : )
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It is shameful. Very shameful. Don’t do it.
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Oh my goodnes…I’m so glad you mentioned those creepsters in the bath tub. It drives me crazy. There is NO possible way to get out of that tub and not get sand on your clean feet. Impossibility. And its possible that soaking in a tub for hours on end might create new types of personal hygiene issues. Forget the ED…worry about the UTI.
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I like how your first thought is about getting sand on your feet after getting out of the tub. I bet your house is super-clean…am I right? Hmmm?
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I really thought that link was going to a video of MY Babs on YouTube, and I was all, “I knew this day was going to come. She’s started her own channel.”
Am I the only person who loves those Progressive commercials?
There’s this guy at work I’ve nicknamed the Wet Blanket. When I see his number pop up, I know it’s going to be a baaad day. Every conversation: Me: “Hi! How are you?” Him: “Oh, SIGH. You know, it’s just so busy. It’s so crazy. Things are so different now.” <—We had a re-org TWO YEARS ago and he's still saying this.
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Wait a minute…I just got my Direct TV bill and I’m pretty sure they were plugging the new, All Babs, All The Time channel, right alongside the Free HBO weekend.
I have a hard time balancing my natural tendency to look on the unbright side with a desire for people to not say “Here comes the Wet Blanket” behind my back. Clue me if my humorous whining crosses that line, will ya, Jules?
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Wow – when we moved 2 months ago, I decided not to hook up any cable or satellite tv – instead – we do Netflix, and online PBS/History Channel – –
After reading the post and comments, I now realize why my life has been so serene lately – –
My vote is for any commercial that contains a cheery, low-key voice reciting:
“May cause diarrhea, constipation, vision loss, make your peter turn green and fall off – some patients report leaving their home to be found wondering in the woods 6 hours later, with drool on their chin and no memory of their name, their spouse or previous life. This isn’t for everyone – check with your doctor to see if he can ease your fears about becoming a cancer riddled dementia patient instead of putting up with the fact that you are too stressed and unhealthy to engage in intimate relations and your body is trying to save you from killing yourself”
:>)
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I know, right? Whatever the disease, whatever the drug, that recitation of possible side affects – “may cause deadness…or worse” – has me vowing to stay natural, all the way. Pass the wheat germ!
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Amen! – Welcome to Bark Eaters Anonymous – – 🙂
(This is an old joke with me – the background is here, if you’re interested….http://ballybin.wordpress.com/2010/08/09/bark-eaters/)
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For the same effect, you can also check out WebMD. No matter what symptoms you’re looking up, there are two choices: A. It’s completely in your head, or B. You’re about to die. Pick up the phone and call 911 immediately.
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My favorite ad, as a guy, is the slightly out-of-focus shot of mother and daughter (adult), walking arm in arm along the ocean while the Irish Setter prances on the edge of the waves. While the piano/strings gently soothe in the background, the daughter turns to her wise mother and asks, “Mom, do you douche?”
I swear these ads were always played during football games when I was a teenager.
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What??? What’s wrong with that? Me and Mom had those talks all the time. Minus the Irish Setter, of course, because you KNOW how she was about dogs. Was she REALLY allergic to pet hair?
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“60 Minutes is on the phone. They’d like to talk to you.”
You know this isn’t going somewhere good.
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Oh, yeah. Unless it’s Andy Rooney calling for ideas for his next “didja ever notice…?” because he heard you were so funny.
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I laughed out loud at the part about the petition to force out Jessica Fletcher! My mom was a nut for that show. We always knew that at 8:00 Sunday nights, when she’d sit up close to the tiny black and white TV in my parents’ bedroom (what, do you think we’d let her watch that in the family room?), we had to leave her alone or she’d sick Jessica on us.
I’m trying to figure out if there’s a conspiracy about Progressive Insurance’s use of Flo in its ads. I’ve never heard of a commercial character more despised than Flo. Yet there she is again and again.
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Somebody above said they had kind of a “thing” for Flo. I’m a tolerant woman with a live-and-let-live attitude toward life. Usually. But that is just bad and wrong.
In another 20 years Flo is going to make her living by writing a book and doing the talk-show circuit complaining “How I Was Typecast and Never Got ANother Acting Gig After Progressive”, just like Danny Bonaducci.
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When you mentioned Babs, I thought you were talking about Jules’ mother. I need to stop reading blogs.
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I THOUGHT about Jules’ mom when I typed that. We need a life.
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I’ll probably hear from PETA on this one, but why doesn’t someone stomp that small, chiefly tropical and usually nocturnal insectivorous terrestrial lizard, typically with immovable eyelids’ ever lovin’ ass?
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I have something of a mild fear/phobia about lizards, especially the big Monitor lizards, and it’s not abated by the addition of a pseudo-English accent so…yeah. Get stompin’ on that project.
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Jamie Lee Curtis. I like her as an actress, and I am sure I would like her in real life, too. After all, she is married to Christoper Guest, so the woman has great taste. But the Activia commercials… goodness, I am over those. “Activiaaaa” is the new “Salad Shoot’eeer!” Make it stop, Peg! Make it stop!
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Good one, Lenore. I am totally down with “staying regular” but does pixie-haired Jamie always have to be so damned perky about it all the time?
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You’d be perky, too, Darla, if you had as much good bacteria in your colon as Jamie Lee Curtis.
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I forgot she was married to him and, yes, I’m sure we would be friends in real life…except for that whole yogurt thing.
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And the fact that Jamie probably spends most of her time in the bathroom. I am sure she is well read.
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So glad you have addressed the dual tub ads…it reminds me of the Pinterest pics I’ve seen showing a dual-facing tubs. But there’s no sunset, no glow. Only a bathroom of cold tile. Male-people have constructed these things, I’m sure, because women know that the sole purpose of a tub is to escape all the other People out there! If the only other adult in your home is in the bathroom with you, then the little people are unmanned! (or there’s a babysitter–but that’s creepy. Ew Ew Ew!).
But seriously, what really creeps me out was the commercials for WoW chips that slyly incorporated the phrase “anal leakage”. Ew, just typing that makes me shudder. Just sayin’.
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Huh? Anal leakage on a chip commercial? I don’t think I want to know any more about that, thank you very much.
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Flo never bothered me – but she does seem to bother most I know – – not sure what I’m missing – – 🙂
My absolute, hands-down, should-be-banned from TV choice over the years was Billy Mays – – I swear, you could have the TV volume on Mute and his commercials would still make you jump to the ceiling in defense of unreasonable decibels – –
I remember his name – but for those who hired him, I don’t remember what product(s) he was marketing – – pick better next time.
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Billy Mays was the KING of annoying (may he rest in peace).
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Oh, you got some of the worst offenders on this list! Definitely the housewives and Kardashians are part of mine. And the Wendy’s girl has made the top of my hit list lately. Yeah, be all thin, peppy, and condenscending about your oh-so-much-tastier fast food! Argh!!
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Those Kardashians are like nails on my mental chalkboard.
Funny about those commercials, because the real Wendy is a more “robust” kinda gal, isn’t she?
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Flo. I have mentioned my deep hatred for that woman on my own blog once. The last straw was her latest commercial where she’s out in the rain with some guy. ugh. And that headband of hers! I can’t change the channel fast enough.
But Jessica Fletcher?! Don’t blame her. Mainahs do have a high risk of murdering each other, it’s all that snow and cold and saying things like “Ayuh” and “Jeezum crow!” that can drive a person batty.
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Flo DOES seem to inspire a dive for the remote, doesn’t she? I do admire the creative range of the ads…if only SHE wasn’t in them! So poor Jessica was just suffering from Mainers Midwinter Mania? Hmmm.
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Actually it’s her name F-L-O that bothers me more than anything. (No offense to any Flos out there.) It reminds me of a tampon commercial: Let’s say your Aunt Flo comes to visit and you have a big date…
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Ha ha ha! Now in addition to being annoyed, I’m going to think THAT whenever I see those ads.
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Those bear, Jamie Lee Curtis, and that Colon health lady – all creep me out….and then there’s the local car dealers/cheap furniture stores who always feel the must put their mini-me kids in the ads
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Oh, jeez. We don’t have a local TV station, but I get those ads on the radio. For goodness sake, don’t do your own ads business-owners of the world – pay the few $$ to have somebody do them who doesn’t sound like a wooden dummy!
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oh all the charm would be missing then? (giggles)
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I have to agree with you on Flo. HATE that commercial – can’t mute it or change the channel fast enough. And those drug disclaimers – GO AWAY already…
As for Jessica Fletcher? Always loved her! 🙂
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Me too – I DIVE for the remote.
Me too on Jessica Fletcher, but it was a tad suspicious that people ended up dead whenever she was around.
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Police I haven’t summoned. That will never end well. My bosses. Also bad. Especially when they’re smiling. Jimmy Johnson doing those God-awful ExtenZe commercials. Like I need to know that his, um, Johnson was unsatisfying. John Goodman, because I’m frankly afraid he’ll explode at any moment. And my crazy aunt. Because every conversation with that woman is terrifying.
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“police I haven’t summoned” – bingo!
How do you know the name of the guy doing those God-awful Extendze commercials?
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I’m a football fan. He used to be the (highly successful)coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Now he’s an NFL analyst for Fox.
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OMG, how the mighty have fallen. I thought those were just random, anonymous paid actors, not real people. Pitiful.
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You don’t like Flo? I always think of you when I see Flo – she is so versatile, has all the answers, is cool and calm. So is the Geico gecko, but I don’t see you as being like a gecko… no wait, you had that green jacket…
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Must be my red lipstick and tendency to push insurance to everyone I see. By the way, do you have enough life insurance? Does anyone, really?
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I’ll stick with people I don’t know in order to answer your question. (There’s just TOO MANY people I don’t like to see coming in real life.)
Katy Perry annoys the shiznit outta me. So does Lady Gaga. And Sarah Palin.
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That’s a pretty eclectic list you got going . All women…attractive..what can we surmise from this? Beats me.
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Ya know, Peg, after I commented I thought to myself, Do I have a problem with women? I might argue with you on the attractiveness of Lady Gaga. 🙂
Women I love: Tina Fey, Britney Spears (don’t judge me), Amy Pohler, and Peg O Leg.
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..and that’s an even BETTER list. 🙂
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I’ve been trying to figure out why folks who are trying to have sex would want to have two separate bath tubs.
The post was great and the comments hilarious. I had a long tiring day and this was the perfect antidote, Peg. Thanks!
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Thanks Elyse! Glad to be the cherry on top of your long day sundae.
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The lovers’ bathtub thing drives me nuts because they are SITTING ON THE BEACH. Who hauled those tubs here for you and why don’t you get in the ocean?
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The ocean is all full of nasty, dirty stuff. Much more sanitary to sit in a tub. I bring one with me whenever I go to the beach.
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All of the above, my mother, two of my cousins, many of my clients, Wayne LaPierre, one of my ex-husbands (but he is dead).
And in that order today.
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If you see your ex-husband coming toward you, you’ve got bigger things to worry about.
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I loathe the woman who is selling AARP Medicare supplemental plan … Z or something. I can’t STAND her and because the commercial lasts about 20 minutes and is on CNN and MSNBC, it’s always interrupting a news story I’m actually interested in. My daughter is 21 and is trying to lower her IQ by watching Basketball Wives — which makes the Real Wives of XCity (pick your poison) look like Miss Manners. But I have to say, I kinda like Flo…. at least she’s not that hideous lizard that I sincerely would like to stomp into oblivion. Funny column!!
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Here I was giving my 23-year-old daughter grief for lowering her IQ by watching the Real Housewives of Wherever. and it turns out those shows are Einstein-fodder in comparison to the other garbage to be watched on the electronic dumpster? Thanks for the info. Oops – gotta rush off…Honey Booboo is on! 😉
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Ugh. Recently there’s been a ‘Flo’ commercial on the iTunes radio station I listen to when I’m working on stuff. And while they don’t really have many (or long) commercial breaks they keep playing that one ad OVER, and OVER, and OVER…
Also, I just realized this comment is about as much fun as listening to ‘Flo’ sing about Progressive, so, um… you know… sorry… about that.
🙂
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My dad always used to say Jessica Fletcher WAS the murderer. 🙂
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That’s what I always suspected. 😉
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Reblogged this on yanetfirefly.
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