“Life is better with a pint of Vermont’s finest.” I read the words at the top of the legal pad and laughed. There was no joy in the sound. It was a mirthless acknowledgement of the exquisite irony of life.
I had written those words barely 2 hours ago, and yet it was a lifetime away.
I had been sitting in the same chair I now occupied, winding down after a long weekend. One last check of my emails revealed a cheery reminder from Lenore, “Hope you’re all ready to go with your posts for 7:30 tomorrow morning!”
Damn!
When Lenore first asked if me to be part of her Ben & Jerry’s blogging party, it sounded like fun. I intended to get the assignment done early. But my personal road to hell is paved with lots of good intentions, and this was just one more. I had forgotten all about it.
Grabbing a pad of paper, I swiftly wrote the title and waited for the muse to strike. I had nothing. The blank page mocked me. Hell, I hadn’t even had any Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for years. I checked my watch: 9:30. If I rushed I could get to the grocery store before they closed at 10. At least I could pick up a carton of inspiration.
I swung into the lot minutes before the store closed and headed for a parking spot closest to the door. A little, red sports car zipped in right in front of me, neatly cutting me off. A petite brunette hopped out of the car and walked by as I sat fuming in my car. She threw me a smirk with a toss of her long hair and I recognized her. She was one of a group of obnoxious workout Barbies at the gym who walked around like they owned the place, and made fun of those of us who are, shall we say, “less fit”.
I parked beside her car and hurried into the store. The temperature dropped 10 degrees when I turned into the frozen foods aisle. My temperature rose by that amount when I saw that Barbie was standing in front of the ice cream case. My steps slowed as I approached, checking out the goods. Edy’s…Dean’s…Breyers…Blue Bunny… bingo! There was the Ben & Jerry’s, but there was only 1 pint left -Karamel Sutra. Sounded yummy.
Barbie stood blocking the door, perusing the selection as if she had all day.
I said, “Excuse me. I just need to get in there to get that pint of Ben & Jerry’s”
She didn’t budge. Her mocking smile revealed teeth too white to be natural as she said “Oops! Sorry, but I’m taking that.”
“Oh, but…” I sputtered “Please…I really need it.”
She looked me up and down slowly, then laughed. “Yeah, you really look like you NEED it!”
I could feel my face heating. “I mean for an assignment. I have to write something about…”
My babbling trailed off as she reached into the freezer and plucked the pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the now-empty shelf. She held it in front of her tantalizingly and said, “Look, chubs, let me give you some advice. Better lay off the ice cream before you turn into one of those people who have to be taken out of your living room with a crane. Looks like you’re already just a few cartons away. ”
I saw red. Baring my teeth in a smile as false as hers I said, “Look, Barbie, let me give YOU some advice. It doesn’t matter what brand you get, since you’re going to stick you finger down your throat as soon as you finish it. You can barf up the Haagen-Dazs tonight.”
With that, I grabbed the pint of Karamel Sutra right out of her hands.
The carton was a solidly frozen block I noted absently, as I took a moment to admire the almost comical look of surprise on her face. I turned and headed down the aisle.
I hadn’t gone more that a couple of feet before I was jerked back by a piercing pain in my scalp – the bi*ch had grabbed a hold of my hair! I spun around to see Barbie, not so beautiful now with her face twisted into an angry grimace. I grabbed at her hand, trying to lesson the pressure on my scalp and only at the last minute did I see a flash of blood red out of the corner of my eye. Then her nails raked viciously down the side of my face.
I howled at the searing pain and something seemed to snap inside me. A lifetime of mockery by the Barbies of the world had built up to this point and I watched as if I were a disinterested bystander as my hands, still cradling the rock-hard pint of ice cream, swung it at her head with all my strength. It made a dull thud as it connected with her temple. The blue skies and fluffy clouds on the package flashed up and down and up and down and up and down….
.
.
I was getting brain freeze from eating the ice cream so quickly, but I kept gulping it down as fast as possible. Normally I would savor the caramel swirls and chocolate pieces but I didn’t even taste it now. No way I was going to let everybody down by not having a post ready. Inspiration was going to strike at any minute, I was sure.
My hands were cold and sticky from holding the carton. I wiped them on the legs of my jeans, leaving red streaks interspersed with long, dark hairs.
The wail of police sirens sounded like a train, still far from the station, but drawing ever closer, closer.
Clean up in aisle 6
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A group of us are tackling the same sweet topic today. Thanks to Lenore at Lenore Diane for putting this together. Be sure to check out all the other bloggers. Some are old friends and others are new friends for us to get to know – how great is that!
Lenore Diane
Blogdramedy
The Blurt Blog
She’s A Maineiac
Georgette Sullin’s Blog
PublikWorks
Jacqueline Cangro
The G is Silent
K8edid
Julie Kingsley
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Just listened to Blogdramedy’s podcast! So much fun! Great idea.
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Of course I grumbled all the way through doing it “why do I hafta do this? It’s like homework! I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, you can’t make me…Hey, this is fun!”
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I knew it wouldn’t take long for one of us to get bloody. Nice story! I hope it’s true? 😉
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Thank goodness we have full internet access at the county jail. We’re progressive that way.;)
It was a hoot doing this with all y’all – your recording is da bomb!
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Pingback: Life Is Better With A Pint of Vermont’s Finest | Julie True Kingsley's Blog
Ha! “Clean up in aisle 6” is the perfect ending. And up until the point where you bumped into her in the ice cream aisle, I thought this might be true. And I thought I was going to have to beat someone up. But I think you would have had it covered.
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You don’t stand between a mother bear and her cub, and you don’t stand between me and my ice cream. Words to live by.
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Ooh, a Ben & Jerry’s smackdown – nice going, Peg!
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Hey, that sounds like a great flavor idea – they could even get a WWF endorsement! Way to go, Lisa.
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I also fell for this story at first. Bravo, Pegolego!! You are a master storyteller! Want to write my next post for me?
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Sure! No prob. I’ve got spare genius ideas lying about the place like cigarette-butts-on-the-sidewalk-on-a-Monday-morning-when-there’s-a-bar-next-door-to-your-office.
Your photos were ab-fab, Darlotta! I can’t believe you and the now-hubs actually went to Ben & Jerry’s in the before-times (before kids).
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I stacked those pints to take a picture of my favorites. Had to laugh when the stocker’s sharp eye noticed something different about his display and put everything back in its place. omg…what would he have done to see your “crime” scene?
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Really? You’ve got an anal-retentive shelf-stocker, apparently. Great offering over at your place, Georgette. This was fun, wasn’t it?
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YES!!!! This post included a hand edited photo! The outline of that Barbie chick is fabulous!!
You are a hoot, Peg! That thing called inspiration may have come to you late in the game, but you knocked it out of the park!!
You are so good. So very, very good.
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I just noticed the forensics dude gave her Darth Vader’s head. Pitiful.
It’s great how everybody came up with something different, and how a couple of people had real, personal experiences of Ben & Jerry’s. Thanks for spearheading this effort, Lenore.
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You are my hero, Peg-o-leg. This was perfect.
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I’m rubber and you’re glue. Everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Glad to see you out and about in the blogosphere once more, Katy-my-girl.
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It is good to be “out and about” again. That seems so funny to say since I never left the couch…but I missed blogging. I tried, in vain, to keep up with all you witty word-smiths, but you just so prolific.
I hope you feel better soon, Miss Peg.
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Pingback: Julie True Kingsley: Life Is Better With A Pint of Vermont’s Finest « NESCBWI Kidlit Reblogger
Hysterical! I was with you from the very first sentence.
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Thanks! What a great way to get to know some new, fab bloggers like you. Lenore throws a hell of a party, don’t she?
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Every woman’s dream of revenge against arrogant Barbies. The kind ones, I can sorta tolerate, but those snippy Kardashian types.
Inspiration trumped cough, fever, chills, headache, snotty nose this weekend.
Well done! 🙂
PS – Hope you are feeling better. Me – miserable yet.
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Yeah, I was going to write something about Ben & Jerry’s newest flavor, Snotty Road, but that’s just gross.
I’m a little better today – at least I came into work. Hope you’re over the cruds soon.
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Hey, you know, looking at her outline there, she has nothing on you.
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Her boots were pretty cute, though. You can just tell from the outline- that stacked heel is so big this fall.
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Sounds like you got your story and then some! Too funny!!
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Thanks Audrey! I should mention that the ice cream itself was to-die for. The carton said something about it being 4 servings – ha! Ben & Jerry must be showing that sense of humor they’re known for.
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“to die for”? I trust there was no pun intended there? 😉 Yes, those serving suggests have got to be a joke! Maybe they meant that was the serving for little kids. Us big kids need a bit more.
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Another ice cream Nazi bites the dust! I’ll bet you didn’t have to wait in a long checkout line this time.
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The checkout girl didn’t even charge me! She said it was on the house as she cowered behind the cash-register. I should have thought of this tactic years ago!
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Nothing stands between you and your ice cream. I knew you could take her. 🙂
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She was in better condition, but I was more motivated. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere, if you can dig through the caramel swirls to find it.
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Hahaha… I’ve got this mental image of Bruce Willis trying out for this action role, Peg…
with one of your trademark blonde Photoshopped wigs on him.
🙂
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You’ve got vision, SIG, that’s what I say. This would make a great action film, and Bruce would rock a blonde wig. How do you think he’d look in red stilettos?
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Hahaha… better than me…
but that’s not saying much. Sorry, Bruce.
🙂
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What a great “group theme!” I hope you get a big brown UPS truck pulling up to your house to deliver dry iced goodies from Vermont!! Done the factory several times, but my favorite B&J memory is when I went with young nieces and family to the Easter Egg Roll at the White House. At that time it was a first-come-first-serve for tickets to get in. We were up before dawn to camp out in line around the ellipse in DC. Some vendors had come from all over the US to keep us nourished while we waited. There was a long line of B&J trucks that had just come in from VT. Until 7 AM, the appointed time when B&J was an appropriate breakfast, the Vermont Cows and Cowettes sat in lounge chairs all in a row, their utters resting on their laps. Every ice cream lovers dream!!
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Wow – what a great experience! Did you get in to Easter Egg roll on the lawn? That would be something to tell the grandkids about for sure.
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We did. See my post Memories of Easter Sundays Gone By about teaching my nieces to lie so Aunt Carol could have a Presidential egg…
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I don’t find anything odd with killing someone over ice cream. I even have your defense all ready….temporary insanity from low blood sugar. And that bitch was keeping you from your meds. Justifiable homicide for sure, Pegs! I’ll have you out of the joint in no time. Now let’s discuss my fee……
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Then we can sue B&Js for getting me hooked on their “drug”. You’ll get the standard fee of 1/3rd of the carton, of course.
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This ought to be an episode of ‘Murder She Wrote.’ Great job.
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I always thought Cabot Cove had to be the most dangerous place to live in America, what with all the murders going on. They probably wouldn’t even blink at a dead body in the ice cream aisle.
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OHMYGOD FANTASTIC!!!!
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Right back at you! It was fun following the Pied Lenore’s call, wasn’t it?
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Sounds like a clear-cut case of justifiable homicide to me. Will you be holding a bake sale for your legal defense fund?
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Haha! Great idea. Will you bring a cake to sell? I’ll take one with a file in it.
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Sigh! The lengths we’ll go to on a binge!
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Know what I mean? I knew that you would.
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I would NEVER go to such lengths for karamel sutra pffft why bother…..now phish food? Bitch would be going down 🙂
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I haven’t had Phish Food…but the Karamel Sutra was well worth cold-cocking her.
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try it….the next time someone tries to steal some from you…they really will be drawing chalk lines on the floor
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Absolutely fabulous! You had me going, I could see Barbie and I was cheering for you, hoping you would knock a few of her teeth down her throat with that frozen delight.
Bravo
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Valentine, who knew you were so blood-thirsty! I’m shocked. 😉
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That was you??? I had to slap steak over my eye where you socked me with a pint. (And I think you hit me with Hershey’s syrup in your other fist. Where’d you learn to cat fight? Don’t you know we’re supposed to pull hair?
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Whoa, Peg! If I ever come across you in the ice cream aisle, I promise you’d never have to fight me. I’ll even open the door for you. ‘Cause I’m nice like that and I’d be on my way to the fruit bar section anyway (I’m vegan). Fun post. Sure beats my trash-stealing.
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I love how the Barbie outline is gigantic in proportion– she nearly covers the whole aisle! GIANT BARBIE ON THE ATTACK– ROAR!!
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I don’t know why nobody has done Attack of The Giant Barbies yet as a movie. I’d pay to see that.
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