To be, or f**kin’ not to be, ho.
If you’re like me, you want everyone to think you’re smart. You don’t want to take the time and trouble to really learn things, though; that’s way too much work.
Smart people are always tossing around profound quotes from other smart people who are dead. Recognizing these quotes shows you are “culturally literate” and that means smart.
“Wait a minute,” you say “that sounds like work.”
Easy there, hombre. I got this.
The fact is, the vast majority of quotable quotes come from just two sources: Shakespeare or the Bible. Key words to look for are “thou”, “forsooth” and adding “eth” to normal words.
Let’s see how this would work in a real life situation:
You’re at a party ranting about how you almost had to bite your tongue in half at the last family gathering, to keep from exploding when your witch of a mother-in-law criticized how you’re raising the kids…again.
Your conversational partner replies, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
Thinking quickly, you pick up on the clue – he said “turneth” instead of “turn”.
You establish your smart-person bona fides by squinting your eyes and pursing your lips to look thoughtful. Then, nod your head slowly and say “Ah, Shakespeare”.
It doesn’t matter which you choose, Shakespeare or the Bible, because even people who memorize this stuff can’t keep them straight. The only time this won’t work is in the unlikely event you are confronted by a Biblical scholar or an English professor. Then it’s time to roll out your backup plan:
“That’s not from Shakespeare!” your listener states with a gleeful, “gotcha” expression.
You shake your head ruefully, smile wryly and say, “I meant the Bible, of course. I was up way too late last night reading Euripides in the original Greek, and you KNOW how THAT messes with your brain!”
Not wanting to admit he doesn’t read ancient Greek, Mr. Know-It-All will laugh sympathetically and readily agree. He has been neatly out-pretensioned.
Besides the two major sources of quotes, you need to be on the lookout for those who consider song lyrics to be high-art. If the quote doesn’t have any of the key words, if it rhymes, or if it is bad poetry that does NOT rhyme, you may be dealing with a song-quoter. In the past you would be safe with an “Ah, Dylan” response. Now that only works with quoters aged 60-75 who have long, gray hair and Birkenstocks (male or female).
Nowadays many people (who should know better) try to appear culturally literate and relevant by quoting rappers. Key words to look for are “f**k”, “n**ga” and “b**ch ho”.
All you need to know is that most rappers have some variation of 3 nicknames:
Big: Big-O, The Notorious B.I.G., Big Sexy
Lil: Lil’ Kim, Lil Wayne, Lil’ Scrappy
Ice: Ice-T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, Iced Tazo Chai Soy Frappuccino Grande
If the quote includes profanity, assume it’s rap. Show how hip you are by nodding thoughtfully and say, “Yeah, Lil’ Biggie Ice Pac laid down some heavy, f**king shiz in the hizzle.” Then cross your arms over your chest defiantly and finish up with “…Word.”
Follow these simple tricks and soon everyone will think you’re much smarter than you really are. In other words, they’ll make much ado about nothing.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I find nodding my head slowly while saying “I see” has carried me a long way. You should also refer to long books that nobody can make themselves finish: “Dante’s Inferno”, “War and Peace” and “The Iliad”. Very funny post!
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I actually slogged through one of the Dantes in college (I think it was Purgatorio) and I can’t remember a thing about it. But now when I’m stuck in line at Mickey D’s I can laughingly compare it to Dante’s third circle of hell, smugly secure in the knowledge that I paid my dues for the privilege. So I guess it was worth the pain of reading it.
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Naturally you would be the kind of person I’d try to “pass” in front of and I’d end up looking like a total doofus.
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No, no! I’m not calling you out; I’m admitting that even if people have read that stuff, they can’t make heads nor tails out of it either!
Although, my hubby actually DID read War & Peace. When we were first married he had to commute to work 1hr+ each way on the train, so he made that his project – finished it, too. In his defense, he WAS an English major, and they do junk like that.
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Ahh, you are so wise. You know what they say – “She who quoteth the greatest quotes shall mixeth in the greatest circles”.
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That’s another great idea, Venessa. Make junk up and add “eth” to every other word so people THINK you’re quoting somebody smart.
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Junk?! That was some of my best work!
A while ago my partner and I made up a load of supposedly inspirational quotes as an antidote the real inspirational quotes that were around everywhere and driving us nuts. We came up with some brilliant meaningless crap, like “He who looks back in fear cannot move forward with an open heart”. It was such fun!
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Those are the kind of inspirational quotes I can get behind. Kind of like the answers given to direct questions in politics: brilliant, meaningless crap.
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I bet you could hire yourself out for parties as a professional conversationalist. You’re so fly and so erudite all at once. But tell me, does booze help or hurt you in these situations?
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Getting lubricated before a party is like doing so before getting busy between the sheets: the quality of the performance while under the influence is inversely proportional to the drunkards perception of his or her own performance.
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Very perceptive. Spoken life someone who knows… 😉
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Or so I’ve been told, Lorna.
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🙂
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Shakespeare…
now THERE was an O.G…
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Old Guy? Odoriferous Geezer? Opinionated Goat?
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Ha! Oh pegoshizzle, you are da bomb diggity. I fo sho LOL’d, like fo realz, yo.
And I ain’t frontin’, but that pic of Snoop be the shiz, yo. Word.
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“da bomb diggity” is my new, favorite expression. I’m going to work it into the conversation every chance I get today.
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It pretty much rolls right off the tongue. You should doeth most prodigously with thou newest word acquisition efforts. Good tidings to you, my fair lady.
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Que es esto? Que es un “diggity ?”
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I think I need to hear Iced Tazo Chai Soy Frappuccino Grande rappin’ (or perhaps frappin’) in ancient Greek.
This reminds me of “Airplane!” and Barbara Billingsley speaking jive.
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“Frappin” – tee hee! I love Airplane – that was high-brow comedy. “Tommy, have you ever seen a Roman gladiator?”
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How timely, I just saw Iced Salted Caramel Mocha Frappaccino Venti on Leno the other night! You are so wise PoL! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I was busy taking notes through the entire post. I find that being a civilly disobedient transcendentalist at heart I usually am quoting Thoreau and Emerson ~ I definitely need to get back to the Good Book!
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“civilly disobedient transcendentalist” – are those real words? Bravo! You sound really, really culturally literate!
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LOVE the Snoop Dog portrait (and the caption)!
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The Dogg man really rocks a ruff, don’t he?
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Damn it! “Iced Tazo Chai Soy Frappuccino Grande” was gonna be my rapper name. It’s already taken? =(
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I don’t know why some celebrity hasn’t named their kid “Tazo Chai”. It really has a ring to it.
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I laugheth grievously, therefore am naught able to typeth more and shall now falleth off yon stool…..
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Watcheth that thou dost not breaketh yon brain-holder, forsooth.
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Thou has taken me to the inner sanctum of cultural lingo.
Me digs the groove, motha-f***r!
I LAUGHED OUT LOUD THROUGH EVERYTHING.
You rock, super fly! 🙂
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What the f***k – you covered all the categories in one comment! I boweth down in homage, sista b**ch ho.
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HA HA HA HA. Still laughing it up here in my crib, with my homies!
Also laughed at the Airport movie reference of the the white lady speaking jive. What a great movie!
If only my students understood how much fun language and words can be!
Peace, out.
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I hate being out-pretensioned.
Be careful when googling for good quotes though. There’s a lot of made up stuff out there.
“The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it’s difficult to determine whether they are genuine.” – Abraham Lincoln.
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Wait a minute…how could Abe know about the internet back then? Al Gore didn’t invent it until, like, 10 years ago!
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Hold up–that Snoop photo and caption is the shizzeth.
I never worry if people think I’m smart or well-read. Once I start throwing around things like ‘ain’t’, ‘ayuh’ and ‘Jeezum crow’, there’s no doubt where I stand in terms of intelligence.
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I’m sure not worrying about that is a comfort to you.
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This was hilarious!! I will take your advice and use it whenever I can. Today shall be the last day when anyone can get away with qouting something that I’ve never heard before!
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Just fake it like you mean it.
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“Much ado about doo doo” Kool Moe Dee….word, son!
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What he said. Yea verily.
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I had a good rant a while back on Miley Cyrus and her quasi intellectual tattoo. Kind of in the same subject area.
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I’m pretty sure Tazo Chai is on the name list for the new grandbaby.
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Oh no, they wouldn’t do that to the poor baby???
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Wait a minute Peg. You’re saying that Shakespeare and the Bible are two different books? Damn.
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I also found out that The Iliad isn’t a book of the Bible – who knew?
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Wait, isn’t Moses in the bible? The Iliad is his story, isn’t it?
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No, the Iliad is about this guy who has a picture in his closet that turns into a giant cockroach while he yells “Stella!”
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It’s so easy to get literary heroes confused.
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Sigh. Peg, you’re so much hipper than I can ever dream of being! What’s rap?
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It’s what you put around presents.
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That is some exceptional head-swappeth-ing, Peggles. You always do me proud.
I find that when either of the above two scenarios presents itself, I can get away with explaining how blonde and/or white I am. Then I distract them with a compliment.
Did I mention how much I like that photo?
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“distract them with a compliment” – that is an EXCELLENT scheme. Who doesn’t want to hear nice things about their favorite person – themselves? Did I tell you how smart you look in those glasses?
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This one has got to go straight to my Shakespeare-loving sister! Mwa.
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Don’t tell her I’m just faking it whenever she’s blabbering on and on about The Bard and I’m nodding intelligently.
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loleth
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You’ve just upclassed texting immeasurably.
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lol wow ty ty
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You’ve been faking cultural literacy?! Gasp – what else are you faking!!
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Just about everything, Margie. Just about everything.
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I think with time and practice I could master your technique. Right now, I just start speaking another language if I don’t understand what someone is saying. They slow down, and speak really slow and distinct, even if I’m babbling a made-up language. (Hint: Don’t try this with pig-latin.)
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That’s a great idea! But it’s really hard to babble convincingly in a made up language – I know, I’ve tried. I just keep making the same, lame sounds over and over so it’s obvious that I’m faking.
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This post doth make me laugh too much, methinks. Great picture!
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Ye have great taste, forsooth! 🙂
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Awesome, Peg! Almost makes me want to go back to university, just so I can finally one-up all of my more culturally literate classmates. Almost.
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You’re a brave woman if you feel up to that, Dana. I had a hangover a couple of months ago for the first time in years and it brought home to me how unsuited I would be for the rigors of university life nowadays.
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True. Sometimes I get near panic attacks thinking about being in university again… that’s why I admire/fear Darla so much.
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You forgot to mention that people of Asian decent have the advantage on this. Besides the fact that they are naturally smarter than people of other ethnicities, they can say, “Confucius say…(fill in with short pithy saying here)” and NOBODY knows if Confucius did actually say that or not (and they can say it in choppy English, no less!) Those comments always sound so wise!
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