NO! I don’t love you. I refuse to love you.
Hershey, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. A beef. An axe to grind. Now is the winter of my discontent made…well, you get the point.
Some months ago, 18 of the sharpest tools in the WordPress shed teamed up with me to stage a coup. Our goal? Nothing less than the total takeover of WordPress. Our ammo? Intriguing, simultaneous postings on the same, vital topic: Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
If you missed it, be sure to check out the Reese’s Pieces, the brilliant bloggers who joined in the coup. (They’re listed at the end of the post I linked to above.) Just about half of them are on the WordPress list of recommended humor bloggers and the other half should be.
The coup WAS epic, but I’m not going to lie; things didn’t go quite as I had planned. For one thing, we didn’t take over the WordPress Freshly Pressed front page. Sure, I was sore about that but I can’t stay mad at Matt Mullenweg for long. Me and Matt are like this (picture two fingers, closely entwined…and by “closely” I mean about as far apart as you can stretch your arms.)
No, the thing that really chaps my hiney is that we didn’t hear from Hershey. I emailed them about it, figuring they’d want to get their best PR people on the story. I envisioned them flying all 19 of us to the Big Apple to shoot a commercial about the blogs. I would finally get to meet many of my bloggy buddies in the flesh – how great would that be?
“Well,” you ask, “Did it happen?”
Have you seen my yellow-headed, red-shoed, smiling self selling candy on TV lately?
It did not happen. I didn’t hear from Hershey. Not a word. They didn’t send flowers, a thank you note, not so much as a lousy, 50-cents-off coupon arrived in my mailbox.
The injustice of it all has been like a festering boil on the butt of my blog for months. Why am I am bringing it up now? My boil of discontent has just been pricked and the lance was wielded by the Trojan Company.
My friend Misty over at Misty’s Laws recently gave away some great swag on her blog. (You should totally check her out.) One item was a Trojan vibrator that she got at a convention. She mentioned it in a blog post, kinda casual-like. A representative of the Trojan Corp sees the post, contacts her and next thing you know it’s raining free dildos all up in her place!
Apparently SOME corporations know how to show a lady blogger a good time.
Trojan is making Hershey look like a bunch of stiffs.
I’ll be honest with you; I am seriously rethinking Hershey’s position at the top of the supply chain for my chocolate-coated peanut butter snacking needs. And while it is true that I have a bag of pumpkin-shaped Reese’s peanut butter cups currently in my possession (the Halloween multi-brand packs are already out – sweet!), I want you to know I am only eating them grudgingly.
Very grudgingly.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Dare I say, this is the best post I’ve ever read??
I spent your entire post alternately laughing and drooling. My fave kind of post, Pegolegoliciousness. You rule. My fave line: ‘raining free dildos all up in her place’. I just about burst a blood vessel over that one.
And can I have an Amen? I am still fuming over our failed coup and failed attempt at getting truckloads of free candy.
By the way, can I have two or three of those tasty little pumpkin morsels of chocolately-peanut buttery goodness you’re grudgingly eating right now?
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Sorry, Darldroolery – I grudgingly finished the bag.
We deserved SOOoooo much better on that deal. So much better. (going off to nurse grudge some more…maybe with a few more pumpkin shapes; I really think they may be better than the Easter eggs!)
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And I think you’re right. The pumpkins ARE in fact, better then the eggs. You win. Now it’s all I can think about. Must. Get. Some. Now.
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I know! You’d think they’d, at the very least, throw a couple coupons your way. I mean, Misty got raining dildos. Are they trying to tell me dildos are more important than chocolate? Ha!
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How about chocolate dildos? Now THAT’s a treat that most women wouldn’t mind….OK, not going there. Family blog.
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Family blog?! are you sure? I still can’t believe WP considers mine a ‘family blog’. But then, I never speak of chocolate dildos.
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OMG! That’s all I can say! 🙂
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Ben & Jerry’s would never treat their fans this way, Peg-o-butter. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
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HELL yeah! Get going on that, will ya?
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Ooh, Lenore. Great idea! Maybe you can finally get to taste that Dublin mudslide ice cream?
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So, can I safely assume the two of you – Darla and Peg-o-butter are definitely “IN” if I get this going?
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Of course. I can write a post about how I managed to eat an entire pint of their English Toffee Crunch every single day while in college. oh, the memories!
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Oh yeah. I’d consider it in the nature of market research.
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You can count on me…
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Awesome in every way!
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You’d think a major corporation would take advantage of such great PR, wouldn’t you?
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How funny!
Sounds like Hershey is a little sweet on themselves and more smug than any other company: bar none! This is one of their biggest profit seasons, so maybe their nut of a PR group was so stuck on their giant-sized reputation, they felt they had the market wrapped up?
Let the crumbs fall where they may, maybe Lenore’s right. A company that’s more forward thinking might melt at the thought of bloggers chatting about their product?
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Tee hee hee! Very punny, there.
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Perhaps this dressing down will do the trick, Peg.
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We can only hope. That bag of pumpkin Reese’s is gone and my wallet is empty.
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This is so disappointing as I have spent a lot of time in the “sweetest place on earth” ~ Hershey, PA (not to mention how many chocolate covered PB pumpkins I have consumed over the years). I say the group should move on to someone who would appreciate your talents ~ how about the folks who make “gummy body parts?”
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Gummy body parts? Really? Now THAT would be fun.
I was in Penn. last week near Lancaster, not far from Hershey. I seriously considered driving up there to give them a piece of my mind in person, but we had to get the rental car back to D.C. by 7. Hershey management has no idea how close they came to a good, old-fashioned, finger-wagging-in-their-face, talking-to.
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Crack me up! I would have paid to see that talking-to!
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If we’d had another day I would have – we were only an hour or so away. I can see the headlines now “Crazed Blogger Chains Self To Factory Doors, Demands PB Cup Coupons!”
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OMG, I’m so sorry to hear there’s been a festering boil on the butt of your blog – OUCH!
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Yeah, I’ve been sitting on one of those ring-shaped pillows like truckers use ever since our coup attempt, Lisa. Hasn’t been comfy.
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And I was the winner of the vibe. Not a dildo, I missed that one. I’d like some free PB cups, though
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Dildo…vibe..same thing, right? I think we ALL deserve some free PB cups.
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This vibrator is about the size of a tampon…not that I’m that big of a ho but a dildo does a different job. 🙂
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Yeah, but “dildo” is funnier in print than “vibe”. That’s the kind of satisfaction THIS blogger is going for. 😉
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Dildo *is* fun to say!
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I think Hershey’s is too family friendly to promote hostile takeovers. My suggestion: try to promote the NRA! One of the best funded PACs, cha-ching!
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Great idea! We could use chocolate guns because, well, I really like chocolate.
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PB cups… dildos… can’t decide which is better for women… brain overload…
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It’s a dilemma. I’m in favor of every woman’s right to choose on this vital topic.
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We have to CHOOSE? Since when?
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HA! I couldn’t have said it better 🙂
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First, the wordplay in the post is brilliant. Excellent job, Peg-o-scrumptiousness. Bravo.
Secondly, ’tis true that I merely mentioned a dildo booth at the convention and they were offering multiple vibrators to be thrust upon my site. I actually felt a little violated, to be honest. But I didn’t have to shill the company or anything, so score!
And lastly, I have discovered the reason why your coup was unsuccessful . . . is that I was not invited to participate in the assault on WP. Obviously, this was your misstep. I hope that you have learned your lesson and will rethink this in the future. :p
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THAT was the problem – thanks for the diagnosis, doc! I’m still jealous of all the free swag you got.
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Hershey’s definitely doesn’t know what they are missing! You had me at Reese’s! And I totally agree with Lenore – Ben & Jerry’s may need to be the next coup. I am already dreaming of their Chunky Monkey ice cream. 🙂
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I hope Lenore is hopping on that idea of a mass, Ben & Jerry’s homage. I’ll start doing some research right away!
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Sounds like I better do some research and find out what this “Phish Food” LD is so crazy about is.
Ben and Jerry’s, are you listening? There’s pints to be sold.
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Sold? Wait a minute – I thought the point of all this was to get free swag?
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Honestly, I’m not sure what more a lady blogger would need other than free Reese’s (the holiday ones, ‘o course, due to the perfect ratio of chocolate to peanut butter [as previously discussed]) and Trojan’s finest electronics.
We were all robbed. But I bow down to your tenacity and for putting Hershey’s and Matt on blast. They had it coming. (I think this was my favorite line: “by ‘closely’ I mean about as far apart as you can stretch your arms”)
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Matt didn’t come through for us, did he? I’m trying not to let that color my view of him – he’s so cute!
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“Trojan is making Hershey look like a bunch of stiffs…” I snorted my vodka all over the monitor…I have to drink vodka here at work because it looks like water in my insulated cup…no one knows….shhhhhhh.
I have to say that the PB Cup Coup – failed or not – was tremendous fun. But those Hershey’s stuffed shirts can kiss my PB Cup enhanced derriere. I’m going to the vending machine now and I’m going to buy anything BUT a Reese’s.
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You show ’em, Katy! They can’t treat us like that and get away with it! And that’s just what I’ll tell them as soon as I finish this mouthful of PB cups.
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Actually, no sooner had I posted that (at work, no less) when a student popped into my office and offered me a PB pumpkin. I snatched it from his hand and told him it was unhealthy for human consumption. As soon as he was gone, I devoured the it in 2 bites.
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And can I just say, that RPBC pumpkins don’t go all that well with vodka. I better try the combination again, just to make sure I have that right.
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I recommend a nice cognac with the pumpkins.
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Omigosh! I cannot stop laughing. That was when I was in Aruba, watching kids poop on the beach. Good times.
And even though I could not participate in those fun festivities, I, too, shall stand beside you — your sister in the bond — and share in your protest. And begrudgingly eat the RPBC’s.
I promise to chew very, very slowly.
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You were with us in spirit, even though you sacrificed yourself to lie on a warm, sandy beach with your family. What a woman.
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That’s right, eat ’em with an attitude! I know you can pull that off.
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Attitude? No problem.
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I think I read somewhere that Hershey’s only gives out swag to folks who appear naked and covered with chocolate. Now…I don’t want to encourage you to reveal more of yourself than you want, but if you’d like to showcase a naked George Clooney, I’d definitely visit your site several times…and probably even buy some chocolate.
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I’ll suggest that next time I talk to George. We’re about as close as …me and Matt.
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Those Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins are the best! I could enjoy several bags of those each Halloween. They should make those year-around.
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Sorry – I just found you languishing in my spam folder. Are you ok? Could you breathe in there?
You’re so right about the pumpkins, although many have suggested that ALL the holiday shapes are superior to the original because of the chocolate-to-filling ratio. It’s a science thing.
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My coffee failed to remain in my mouth reading this.
There are other chocolate makers, wonderful chocolate makers who would likely fall over themselves for the opportunity to be featured by you. Think about it, not just New York but Belgium.
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Hey, I like how you think – let’s go global with this thing! Blog for rent…blog for rent…who wants a fawning tribute written in exchange for swag?
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Perhaps BlogHer might consider holding its next gathering at Hershey Park?
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THAT would be excellent product placement. I was near there last week, but stayed in Amish country so I was smelling freshly fertilized fields instead of chocolate. Nastiest thing these nostrils have ever experienced.
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Excellent post m’dear! (As we say over here). The comments were entertaining too. If you decide to do the Ben & Jerry’s thing, can you ask them why I can’t get the Coffee Heath Bar Crunch one here in the UK, that was my favourite, and they know that, and they still haven’t stocked it here to the best of my knowledge. What’s that all about?!
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I can’t believe Ben & Jerry’s is so insensitive to the frozen confectionery needs of the UK. Are they trying to break up our longest, strongest alliance?
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I know! Rather like you with the peanut butter pumkins, I am forced to grudgingly eat the other flavours, from an altogether much smaller range of flavours than you have there. We spell ‘flavour’ with more letters than you do, so surely we shouldn’t have less flavours available, right? Where’s the logic in their decisions?
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I’m still P.O’d, Peg. I mean… my only chance of being W.P’d (riding the coattails of the cool kids)… DENIED! And I can’t even drown my sorrows in chocolate! The humanity! At least I still have my Coke. ALTHOUGH, come to think of it… Coke people… a little help here?! *sigh*
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We need to find vendors of products we like who are just starting out; not those big boys who don’t need our PR. They’ll be desperate enough to send us freebies, right?
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The super-nutty thing is that I wrote about Hershey Chocolate today too (crazed giggle). Damn, we really need to plot a takeover of Freshly Pressed!! Really, the original plan SHOULD have worked! Sneaking off to indulge in some much-needed chocolate therapy . . .
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In the fall a young woman’s fancy turns to thoughts of chocolate.
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Oh Peg! this was great: “Trojan is making Hershey look like a bunch of stiffs.” Where do you come up with this stuff?
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Tee hee! Just a little naughty, right Lorna?
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Oh, how I love reading your comments, now that maybe, maybe, people are being notified of your posts. This one was in my email box. Ya-hoo!
Love the dialogue. Almost spewed my brewski when I read about the chocolate dildos. Laugh, laugh, laugh. (Before I knew what that word meant, I used to use it as a swear word. Until someone told me what it was. How naive was I)
I needed a good laugh today. Thanks so much! 🙂
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I’m sure there are such things as chocolate dildos, probably at Spencers, but I prefer to live in a world where they’re just in my imagination….Have a great weekend, sweetie! 🙂
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Uh, Peg, careful about mentioning “Trojan” and “stiffs” in the same sentence…. Might have to check ID’s at the blog door!
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I’m just skating around the edge, Bill. This is way milder than what’s on Saturday morning cartoons now, right?
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I, too, emailed Hershey when we did that! They were like, “Oh. We’re glad you like Reese’s and are blogging about it and promoting our product for free. Good day.” Maybe not exactly that, but you get the idea.
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I didn’t even get a reply. Hershey’s like you better.
Hey, I ALMOSt got to East Market and the pop-tart restaurant last week. We were over on the Hill the last day for a tour of the Capitol and got out late, but we decided to make our last stop at Arlington. I’m REALLY sorry to miss the pop-tarts, but having the cemetery practically to ourselves at closing time was something I’m glad I didn’t miss.
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I’m glad you had a nice time…even if it didn’t involve Pop-Tarts. =)
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I think I’m the one who screwed it up. Don’t you remember? I wrote about how I didn’t like Reese’s all that much. I just liked them so that people would like me. I drug the whole thing down. I suck. But I hope you still like me.
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I’m sure you didn’t intend to drag the whole thing down to a fiery crash of suckiness with your apathy (or should I say antipathy?). I’m not bitter that I missed my one true shot at fame and glory…or at least a free candy bar. I still love you because, that’s what friends are for.
In good times…in bad times…I’ll be on your s-i-i-i-de forever moooooore, whoa whoa, that’s what friends are fo–o-o-o-oR!
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I prefer “Thank you for being a friend…traveled down the road and back again…your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant…”. But whatevah.
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…and that song immediately starts playing in my brain. It’s true – Potsy was right. We DO learn better to music!
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As I got to the “boil on my bloggy butt” section, I scrolled the text a bit and. . .there it was. . .the huge pregnant-belly advertisement. I was momentarily confused. Is this the aforementioned boil? Is she drinking Reese’s flavored water? And I don’t want to know the connection to Trojan vibrators.
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I just saw that! What the…??? I think the ad generator looks at key words on the blog to pick the commercial. They must have seen my (some might say obsessive) affection for PB cups and are extrapolating out that a big belly is sure to be involved somewhere here. And they would be right. Must…step away…from the chocolate pumpkins.
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You’ve given me a great idea for a new patent. A chocolate vibrator. It would give a whole new meaning to a Hershey’s kiss.
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I always know I can count on you for the rim-shot comment. Well played, Master. Well played.
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You know, maybe we set our sights too low. Maybe we should write about BANKS. Or iPhone5 or Diamond mines.
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Hi Elyse –
I tried writing all about iPhones along with hearty references to Chrysler and a more oblique reference to McDonalds in this piece months ago: mhttp://1pointperspective.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/lets-drop-iphone-and-call-it-a-royale-with-cheese/
To date, I haven’t heard a peep from any of these knuckleheads. (Unless Clint Eastwood mistook an empty chair for yours truly)
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Maybe then we should try for something like “Nooks” the Barns & Noble version of the Kindle that nobody buys. They may have surplus (and I, personally, love mine).
I am so glad that you inspired Clint. Looks like you inspired his latest movie, which seems along the same lines!
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I don’t know much about his latest movie, but I’m going to guess he plays a crotchedy curmudgeon who’s living in the past, but is still oh so wise. Oh, and he can still knock people out with a single punch.
Personally, I think your comment alone should merit a nice shiny Nook for you. I’ll do my best accidently leave a few copies of your glowing praise lying around my nearest store.
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My husband claims that ebooks will destroy civilization. I’ve been trying to do a post on that for ever but keep getting distracted. Perhaps w hen I really need a new Nook …
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Wouldn’t you think the major companies would have internet wonks whose sole job is looking for flattering references to themselves, so they could exploit said references? Chrysler is just missing out on a fabulous opportunity. Same with all those other guys.
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At the very least, I would have thought Samuel L. Jackson would’ve dropped me a quick thank-you note for the free career advice. Some people, huh?
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All excellent ideas! Diamond mine takeover, coming up.
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I’m going to try to move beyond my tender feelings about not having made the cut for the original Reese’s blog-party (I was new then, known to just a few and maybe not that funny). Perhaps the best therapy for my bruised ego is to offer an olive branch in the form of a suggestion – Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews. They won’t compare to the Reese’s Cups in terms of creamy peanut butter goodness, they’re really more alone the lines of Snickers Bars for grown up palates – but at least you’ll have something to satisfy that sweet tooth.
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I didn’t know you then. You were the new boy in school and I was a shy young thing. I saw you at the bloggy dance and me and my friends were whispering “who’s that?” and “the top of his head looks cute” and “does it matter that he doesn’t have a chin?” and stuff like that, but no way I was going to cross those miles of gym floor to ask you to blog. Couldn’t risk the rejection.
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What amazes me most is that you’re able to deduce my shortcomings in the chin department despite my best efforts at cropping it out of the pic…
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Dairy Queen makes a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup blizzard for those hot summer days when you want peanut butter, chocolate and ice cream, all in one convenient cup.
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Loved it Peg! Makes me smile and laugh. You are so talented with the written word.
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You’re so sweet! Hope you are enjoying Art Prize this year – I wish we could go.
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I don’t want to sound like a creep or anything, but you had me at ‘raining dildos’, Peg. That was the funniest line I’ve read in a while, and that’s saying something, considering I also finally had a chance to read Darla’s post about taste-testing questionable brown spots to see if they were poop or chocolate. Brava! 🙂
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