government of the people…by the people…in front of the people
There’s nothing wrong with rolling in the dough; heck, I’d LOVE to be able to do that. But you shouldn’t have to be rich to get elected to public office. That’s what it’s coming to in America.
One of the biggest expenses for any candidate are the countless personal appearances they have to make. Expenses have skyrocketed since President Obama perfected the practice of having a diverse, human backdrop on the platform every, single time.
To see how big this problem has become, I secretly recorded the following conversations. Let’s listen to members of an unnamed candidate’s election team before recent political rallies:
Campaign Manager: “Where are the kids? I told you we needed 2.7 children. How can the candidate look like a family man if there are no kids on the dais behind him?”
Political Intern: “But…this speech is at a nuclear waste-handling plant!”
And…
Campaign Manager: “OK, diversity looks pretty good up there on stage…pretty good…wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute. There are no Aleutian Islanders! We need 1.3 Aleutian Islanders to have a representational cross-section of the country. Do you want the candidate to look like he doesn’t care about ALL the people?”
Political Intern: “But…it would have cost over $5,000 to fly our Aleutian Islander in for the day, and he wanted overtime. Besides, this rally is in Des Moines, Iowa.”
How can an average Joe get ahead without a huge war chest? How can anyone hope to compete against an incumbent who has the full faith and taxing authority of the United States Treasury at his beck and call?
Peg-Co Political Products can help. Introducing…
Political Diversity Wallpaper!
With Political Diversity Wallpaper from Peg-Co, setup is a snap. No more having to round-up the appropriately diverse cross-section of adoring listeners. All the candidate’s advance team has to do is have a wooden backdrop built and papered before each speech. (Using union labor, of course.)
We’ve got papers for just about every situation and message the candidate wants to present:
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- of the people…by the people…in front of the people.
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- Flag wallpaper: Candidate is a true, patriotic son/daughter of (insert country here).
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- White Men wallpaper: Serious white men like the candidate.
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- Women wallpaper: Serious women think the candidate is HOT.
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- Presidents wallpaper: All the dead presidents would have approved of the candidate.
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- Books wallpaper: candidate is learned and likes to read, without specifically mentioning any particular books.
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- Average wallpaper: average people that are just like you love this candidate.
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- Kids wallpaper: Kids love the candidate, and you know what they say about how kids and dogs can tell about people.
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- High school wallpaper: The candidate is so hip and with-it that teenagers wish they were old enough to vote for him.
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- Healthcare wallpaper: People in lab coats approve of the candidate.
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- Royals wallpaper: Royals think the candidate is top drawer (Americans are secretly jealous of countries that have all that aristocracy stuff.)
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- Puppies wallpaper: who doesn’t love puppies? And puppies love the candidate.
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- Church wallpaper: Candidate is approved by religious groups, without specifically endorsing any particular religion or even saying for sure, yes or no, on the whole “is there a God?” question.
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- China wallpaper: Town hall meeting in the not too distant future.
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- Army wallpaper: Candidate is respected by the military as a tough guy. Except when he’s tender.
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- Arms wallpaper: Candidate is a clear favorite with the right-to-bare-arms crowd, especially if those bare arms are bearing cameras.
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- Angels wallpaper: In case the church choir wallpaper is too subtle.
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- Wallpaper wallpaper: goes with most every decor
Whether you’re running for local dog–catcher, or president of the United States, with Peg-Co Political Diversity Wallpaper, your message will come through loud and clear:
I’ll do anything to win!
*Peg-Co Political Products is a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries who is solely responsible for the content of this advertisement. Patents pending, all rights reserved.
No offense is intended to members of any minority, diversity, special-interest or hate-speech–legislation-protected group, especially Aleutian Islanders. As far as meaning offense to particular political parties or politicians, well…
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I vote for the puppies.
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That’s a choice we can all get behind.
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Puppies! (is there a petition?)
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What about kitties? We shouldn’t discriminate.
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OK. Kitties and Bunnies, too.
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When i grow up and become rich I will order all of the above!!!
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You’ll notice I didn’t put any pricing information in the ad – if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford this.
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I’m from New Jersey and as such I need to know if you have wallpapers which will accomodate, shall we say, a more full figured candidate?
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Good point, Dave! We’ve got outlines suitable for a wide (literally) range of figures.
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I think you’ve covered most all of the political candidate backdrops! What a great service to the American people who would like to run for office but have no moolah.
Will Peg-Co also provide hair and makeup people, too?
Love the puppies!
Have a fabulous Labor-less Weekend 🙂
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I hadn’t thought of that! A line of wigs suitable for all occasions and a big tube of Max Factor pancake Deep Nude #6, coming right up.
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Ha! I love this. Very snarky and very funny. This one made me chuckle. “Books wallpaper: candidate is learned and likes to read, without specifically mentioning any particular books” — Maybe Peg-Co could produce the “Newspaper wallpaper” too: “for candidates who love to read all of the papers but may need a little help remembering the titles”. 😉
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Snarky? Moi? I have no idea what you could possibly mean. Newspaper wallpaper would be great, except it might send a “too poor to afford real wallpaper like in the 1930s” vibe.
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I am pretty sure that Mitt should avoid the wallpaper with the puppies.
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ha!
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Now, now, Elyse. Peg-Co is strictly a nonpartisan enterprise. We figure everyone is a red-blooded American …as long as their money is green.
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Could we have wallpaper of actual work being done? …no, I didn’t think so.
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Ha ha ha ha ha! Like our government is WORKING FOR US? Good one. Whoo boy, laughing so hard I’m wiping away tears.
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Another great idea from Peg-Co. When are you going to get Vince to start making your commercials on TV? (Think of what he did for the Slap Chop and the Schticky!)
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I’m sorry, Margie, but Vince gives me the creeps. Something about him reminds me of Jack the Ripper. Not that it would matter, as long as he can sell the products.
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He’s a vellociraptor. It is a good instinct to stay away. Beware.
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The greatest gift I gave myself 4 years ago was once again (had done it before) giving up television. Apart from a few flipping-it-ons (like I tried the other day to find the paralympics and found nothing in under a minute, so turned it off) over these years, my world is calmer. In spite of it actually being a shit-storm, I can’t think how I’d manage if I had to face that mishegoss, too. Makes for a duller blog (less ranting on my part and oh, how I ranted throughout the 90s and up til 2008!) but it works for me. I still like watching other people rant, so long as it’s parody. I approve your statements.
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I admire your discipline. I know I waste WAY too much time in front of the boob-tube. I say it relaxes me, but you might doubt that if you ever caught sight of me standing in my living room screaming at the idiots on the box.
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It was hard for less than a month. My schedule is very “not at home,” so it may’ve made it easier. Truth is, I have about 20″ to do with as I please a day (at home) and that’s not long enough to a) watch much b) get pissed off! 🙂
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PoL, I suspect you and Peg-o-Leg Industries could cure the financial and unemployment evils of our world single handedly. I LOVE your ideas!! Quite frankly, any candidate who can get the golden retriever vote has mine…
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Right on, Carol! Let’s get Americans back to work – producing Political Diversity wallpaper.
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This Peg Co. is getting to be quite the corporate enterprise! Where do I find the stock listing? NYSE? Nasdaq? What’s the symbol, POL? I’ve got 50 cents burning a hole in my pocket, so put me down for 10 shares.
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Ouch. That cut me to the quick, Al. I’ll have you know my IPO is going to rival Zuckerbergs.
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OK then, 20 shares.
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Omigosh! Hilarious! Is there a way to appeal to the Jews?
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It seems I’ve missed a number of important special interest groups. Should Peg-co go with Orthodox? Reform? Hasidic?
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Another brilliant idea by Peg-Co.
but what–no Mainer backdrops? People dressed head to toe in fisherman gear holding up lobsters? I am sick of not being represented! Jeezum crow!
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Jeezum crow, how did the marketing boys miss that angle? Getting on it right away!
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Puppy wallpaper but no kitty wallpaper? This is what passes for diversity at Peg-Co? Sorry, you’ve just lost my vote.
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I couldn’t get more than 1 cat to agree/give a crap about the topic enough to pose for the wallpaper. You know how that goes.
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Therein lies your true calling—a genuine rapport with the feline constituency. Cats across the country will be coughing up hairballs for your campaign.
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Wow, was this a fun one to read after being silly enough to write about politics–OMG–just shoot me, you know?!! I was grinning at your backdrops. Thanks for the smiles Peg!
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Silly is the only way I do politics.
You’re a braver woman than I to tackle that subject seriously, El, and you deserve every minute of Freshly Pressed HELL you are currently enduring. 🙂
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LOL!!!!!
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Peg-O-Leg, you are always on the cutting edge of inventions! I don’t know how you do it. Have you been wire-tapping again?
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Sorry, Patti. I’d tell you about it, but then I’d have to kill you.
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Excellent! Just add one more – the backdrop being piles of thousand dollar bills.
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Wouldn’t that be great? I’d like that wallpaper for my living room.
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You’ve got my vote! Love the wallpaper 🙂
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Maybe I should get these into production for home use – a bunch of cheering sycophants could look great in any dining room!
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I just know that one day I’m going to be walking past one of those “As Seen On TV” stores and one or more of your products will be in the window. I already feel a sense of pride swelling.
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I’ll be appearing on TV soon – just look for me in the 1am-2am time slot selling something that slices and dices.
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Have you worked on portable versions of these, yet? I would like the one of the books to be perpetually behind me in any job interview I have in the future, to make me seem eternally smart, but without having to mention any particular book I have recently read. Maybe some way to have it mounted on my shoulders and around my waist? I’m thinking I might have a job wrapped up in no time this way!
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Hmmm, that might be kind of bulky for a job interview. Hows about as you sit down you “accidentally” drop your purse and the contents spill out for the interviewer to see: Mensa member card, Humane Society card, library cards from all the surrounding communities…
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Oh my good lord this was funnier than a wallpaper background of puppies. Brilliant work, Peg. And I now have put a limit on the number of times I can say brilliant in a month on WordPress. Congrats, you’ve filled my quota.
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It’s never a bad thing to say “brilliant” around this blog. Carry on, Angie.
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LOVE IT!! And your observations with each wallpaper..omg! Funnier than…God, I don’t know WHAT that’s funnier than, because I’m laughing too hard to concentrate.
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Thanks, Holly! My favorite is the title picture caption. I was snorting while typing it, which just goes to show how easy I am to amuse.
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Oh, *beep*!
I TOTALLY wore the same color shirt as the ‘green-screen’!
And the ‘floating head look’ doesn’t seem to poll quite as well as you might expect!
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I don’t know – I think a floating head would be a good thing for some of the candidates I see.
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May I please request a custom puppies in front of the wallpaper wallpaper? I’ll pay anything. They’re giving me a huge budget for this thing. I actually need to fly some Iowans to the Aleutian Islands.
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The Aleutian Islands is one of the most expensive stops in any campaign.
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All that wall paper and I have a feeling that even these guys will be running out of walls soon enough. Great job, though. You and your entrepreneurial spirit is what made this land once a great place to call America!
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I’m waiting for government funding for this business start-up. Should I mention all the hot air that results from campaign speeches is a renewable resource?
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Hahaha! Maybe you should have one of those snarky “cat bums” wallpapers, too. Even if cats don’t care about the candidates, it won’t work against them, because really– everyone knows that cats don’t care about *anyone*.
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