Shake, shake, shake!
Do you need to lose weight? Of course you do! Most Americans (and many of our European friends) are Fatecia McFatties. Even if you think you’re in pretty good shape, you’re probably fooling yourself.
You’ve tried all the top diets – South Beach, Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, the Vinegar and Dingleberries diet – and nothing has worked. Why? Because no matter the name, no matter the claim, the fine print of each weight-loss scheme says, “when used in conjunction with a fitness plan and a low-calorie diet.”
That means eating less of the fatty and sweet foods you REALLY like and getting your butt moving. Who wants to do that? Nobody!
Now you don’t have to.
Peg-Co is proud to introduce a revolutionary weight loss program….ScentSa!
Shake, shake, shake…shake, shake, shake…shake your ScentSa, shake your ScentSa!
ScentSa is not a diet, it’s an all-natural appetite suppressant. All you do is shake a little on your favorite food and suddenly, some might say magically, you don’t WANT to eat.
How does it work? Your nose knows.
ScentSa’s secret formulas mimic the smells of some of the nastiest substances known to man. Since the senses of smell and taste are linked together, just one whiff of our patented powders and – Pow! – even the toughest appetites are knocked down for the count.
Choose from a variety of formulations specially crafted for your specific weight-loss goal:
ScentSa Light: 0 – 20 pounds to lose
- Those Jellies shoes made out of rubber
- Elevator full of people who had garlic & curry for dinner last night
ScentSa Medium: 20 – 40 pounds to lose
- 15-year-old boy’s gym locker, complete with socks, shoes and jock strap (end of the school year)
- Old lady living with 13 cats
- Judges table at the National Pork & Beans Cook-Off
ScentSa Heavy Duty: 40 pounds+ to lose
- Baby diaper blowout
- Primary school hallway where a kid threw up, AFTER the custodian put that pencil shaving stuff on it
- Axe Body Spray
Bambi after 7 months
But don’t take our word for how great ScentSa works. Here’s a testimonial from an actual user, Bambi from Beloit:
“ScentSa is the real deal. I lost 67 pounds without dieting, without exercise! I just sprinkled ScentSa on all my favorite foods. A quart of Ben & Jerry’s Mudslide ice cream? Shake, shake shake. A big, old mess of barbecued ribs? Shake, shake shake. Soon I found I could turn away from even my favorite foods with no problem.
And the results just keep on coming! In fact, I haven’t used ScentSa for almost 4 months and I’m still losing! I’ve landed a lucrative contract as a runway model.
Bambi after 11 months
Put a plate of damn near anything in front of me, and the smell of moldy toe fungus comes to mind. I’m Pavlov’s dieter, ha ha! My doctor is a tad concerned, but you don’t argue with results like these. Why, just thinking about Little Debbie snack cakes kills my appetite.
Urp. Excuse me… I don’t feel so good all of a sudden.”
With ScentSa you can enjoy all the pizza, chocolate cheesecake and fried chicken you want…right up until the smell makes you want to barf. Soon, you too will be saying…
Diets? Pshaw
Exercise? Bah
Practicing Self-control? Meh
With ScentSa you can kiss your appetite goodbye. Call now! Operators are standing by.
*Peg-Co is not responsible for any possible (no-real-chance-but you-never-know) bad stuff that might happen as a result of taking ScentSa. Peg-Co is a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
My daughter has been complaining about the microwave oven the kids can use in the school lunchroom. Apparently, someone cooked something nasty in it and now everything else comes out of there smelling like butt (her description, not mine).
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“smelling like butt” hahaha! (snort)
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That is hilarious! So something a kid would say! My kids don`t like my “armpit soup” That would be lentil soup with cumin….
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“armpit soup”? Gee, I need the recipe for that!
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Great, though, for kids who were planning to heat up a little butt, anyway.
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Nothing like a good hot PB & Butt sandwich!
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You put the “butt” in peanut butter.
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Groan.
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Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
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Can you send me a truckload ScentSa Light within the next 24 hours?
By the way, this was BRILLIANT. I choked on my coffee when I read Axe body spray.
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STrongest scent known to mankind – able to peel paint off the walls.
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I would like to be an investor!
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You know, we’d make a fortune!
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Oh… I’m pretty sure I don’t need to loose much weight, but I’m not in good shape, either… so WHAT am I supposed to do about that, Peg! WHAT?! OH WHAT?! THE HUMANITY!!!
Sorry, that rant was meant to be even longer, but I totally winded myself with the last bit.
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We’ve got the Carrot & The Stick Treadmill in production as we speak, SIG. Hold on!
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Can’t get motivated to lose weight? Just two visits from Mr Motivator will help you lose all that unwanted weight. Mr Motivator is a perfect physical specimen, he is 6ft 7ins tall, he is capabe of lifting an entire Fried Chicken shack off the gound with one hand. Mr Motivator will visit you and take you by the throat, “Listen you unmotivated blob of fat, I’m coming back in three weeks and if you haven’t lost 22 lbs by then I’m going to break every bone in your body.”
Instant motivation! Many people lose several pounds on unwanted fluid in the first visit.
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Where’s my treadmill? WHERE’S MY TREADMILL????
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Dear Peg-o-leg (if that’s your real name)
My name is David Ripoff of the law firm Ripoff, Scruyu, and Sumanabitch. One of our clients is Big Al, who you might know from blog thecvillean. For reasons that escape us entirely, Big Al follows your blog and hangs on every word as gospel.
As a result he took the product of your latest scam, Scentsa, before every meal. Contrary to your claims, he loved it. If fact, he loved it so much, he began to have second and third helpings. To date he has gained 530 pounds and is now homebound because he is unable to fit through the door of his house.
By separate mailing you will soon be receiving a civil suit, seeking the sum of $ 1,000,000. for the plaintiff (Big Al). The suit alleges product misrepresentation, false advertising, reckless endangerment and the most egregious offense, doing anything for a laugh.
We encourage you to consider a settlement before trial to avoid the negative publicity to your blog.
Yours truly,
David Ripoff
Cc: WordPress.com (co-defendant)
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Dear Mr. Ripoff,
I direct your attention to the iron-clad codicil of the contract that accompanies each shaker of ScentSa wherein we state, and I quote, “Peg-Co is not responsible…for any bad stuff”, ergo, ipso facto, e pluribus unum, it is “tough rocks for Big Al.”
I also direct your attention to the sprig of mistletoe hanging from my coattails.
Regards,
Peg-o-Leg
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Peg-o-leg,
As you can see, we have dispensed with the normal courteous salutation as it is obvious you are taking a vitriolic approach to this suit with no intent to find curative measures.
The fact that you consider your weak and disjointed “disclaimer” as iron-clad reveals your lack of knowledge as pertains to matters of the law. To think that a sleazy …er…uh…experienced law firm like ours could not shred that claim in court is at minimum naive and at worst, fantasy. Not to mention that “tough rocks” is not considered remedy under current statutes.
We will see you in court Ms. Peg-o-leg (real name of not). In the meantime we will be looking into the possibility of criminal charges. Be forewarned that if we find cause to proceed to criminal court, we will be seeking a sentence of life without parole.
Yours truly,
David Ripoff
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((slow clap)) to this entire exchange. Bravo!!
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Would you consider being a witness for the plaintiff, Misty?
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Sorry, Al. Peg has already retained me as her councel. So anything you say . . . well, you know the drill.
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Yeah! Misty eats scuzzy lawyers like yours for breakfast. You tell ’em, girl!
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Peg-o-leg
Well, you have achieved a new low in hiring our star witness as your counsel in order to keep her off the stand. However, the point is moot.
It was revealed to us in the discovery phase that our client did not in fact partake of your product. The weight gain turns out to be a result of his ingesting copious amounts of Klondike bars after each meal.
We would appreciate it if you would forward the complaint to the Good Humor-Breyers Corp and a copy to Hershey’s Inc., co-defendant. We trust this will release Misty to testify for us in the new suit.
We apologize for any inconvenience this misunderstanding may have caused you. As an act of good faith, we are offering you one free “whiplash” suit at a time of your choosing.
Sincerely,
David Ripoff
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No prob. However, we are going to have to discuss my fee. I’m thinking a couple bottles of Boones should do it.
Hey, I never said I was a high class, er I mean, high priced lawyer. 😉
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Dear Mr. Ripoff,
I’m glad we were able to settle this amicably. I will forward those documents. As a matter of fact, I just happen to be a victim MYSELF of the totally underhanded and scurrilous marketing tactics of the Klondike Corp. They did compel, force and otherwise make me eat their quintessentially frozen confections to the point that I am no longer able to exit my house without the assistance of a construction crane.
Is that a class action suit you are mounting? If so, count me in. My attorney, Misty, will be glad to be co-chair for the cost of a couple bottles of Ripple.
Cordially Yours In Not-My-Fault-Avarice,
Peg-o-ginormous-leg
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You are indeed welcome to join in our class action suit. In light of Misty’s willingness to co-chair I think this calls for a wine far more suitable to the occasion than Ripple or Boones. A case of Mogen David is on the way!
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The good stuff, eh? Breaking out the special brown paper bags for the occasion.
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How about ChemoPill* smell? Works for me every time! (Copyright, AdLib Industries)
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I laughed, and then I cried. Wish we could invent something to mask that nasty-ass smell for you, Libertarian!!!
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Oh, AdLib Industries, is it? I thought that was a division of Peg-Co?
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What a HOOT!!! So clever, and you started my day with such a laugh!! Thanks!
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THanks so much!
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Wait, are you really trying it? I want to know! Patty Stanger (sp?) looks great, and Bambi *is* rockin’ those stilettos. Is it really the smell? Stop being FUNNY!!!!!
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No, I don’t think the real thing uses smell; it’s some chemical appetite suppressant, but smell does it for me. Who’s Patty Stanger?
The really, REALLY funny thing is..you know that little advertisement box that’s on the bottom of my posts now? When I just checked on this post it was for Sensa – no kidding!
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After 30 years as a teacher and school administrator, I’d have to go for the “Primary school hallway where a kid threw up, AFTER the custodian put that pencil shaving stuff on it.” It is a gagimanimus smell that will never leave my brain ~ I may not remember where I parked my car at the grocery store, but I can pull that out of the cranial archive in a split second! Scent makes a greater imprint on the brain than any of the other senses… so you are definitely on to something PoL.
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I wasn’t even a teacher and I’ll never forget that smell. The pencil shavings were just the gag-cherry on top of a barf-inducing sundae!
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So clever, Peg! And so gross. Remember the lingering scent of sauerkraut in the school cafeteria back in the day? They would cook it all.day.long. Maybe that’s why I was skinny when young.
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Perfect! We’ll get the lab working on that for ScentSa Light.
Have a fabulous trip to Maine tomorrow. I really, really hope you have a great time and I’m not jealous at all. Nope…not me. Not a bit. (making effort to unclench jaw before I break some teeth.)
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Ha! I’m trying to remain calm as i look at the packing list, have laundry going, changing bedding, still so much to do. I need a “I’m Off” post before I leave, and Pat is INSISTING that we ARE Leaving at 5am AT THE LATEST tomorrow morning! I said I’ll try but 6 is more realistic. He is being very stubborn…
OK, here goes 9 days of vacation, TOGETHER, just hubby and me. Together all the time. Ah, wedded bliss.
Know of any good titles for books on tape that we both may like? 🙂
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“changing bedding” is sticking out like a sore thumb. Why is that on the list?
Since your Pat shares some traits with my Bill, I envision him sitting in the car at 5am on the dot, waiting impatiently for you to lug all your stuff out of the house.
I’m currently listening to “Learn Mandarin” on CD in my car, but the plot is a little slow. Ne how! Ne how! (that’s hello, by the way).
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Please send me some that will make my food smell like Axe Body Spray. My son is off to college in a couple of days and I won’t be able to stop eating when he does!
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My daughter is off in a week. Here’s to the glad/sad of kids going off to college!
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Yes, here’s to it. I’ll have to get busy stomping those grapes. You making the bread?
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Great idea! I can be hungry and the smell downwind from fast food restos makes me want to vom. I grew up on a working ranch, so the smell of abattoir in the morning won’t put me off but freaky-chem-food does!
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I soooo know what you mean. There’s a pizza place in town and I love their pizza but if they sit me anywhere near the bathroom I can’t eat. The smell of the chemicals they use is worse than what they’re trying to cover up.
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Oh, what a funny post! And re: the tidbit in the comment above about you and your husband going off to enjoy yourselves–just the two of you….. Our best couple friends just moved away and me and my husband are floundering a bit. What to do on a Friday night? Alone. Together. Together alone. Just the two of us. You understand. When the conversation stalls or won’t even start there’s no one to turn to. I’m thinking of accepting resumes for our new best couple friends. But finding a couple that we both enjoy is like discovering the eighth wonder of the world.
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That’s rough, Paula. We go out to eat with a bunch of other couples on Friday nights and it has been the salvation of our social life. The men sit at one end of the table and the women at the other – it’s like a junior high dance. Good luck with the hunt!
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Thought you might enjoy this post concerning my weight gain issues.
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Thanks – I’ll check it out.
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Send me an entire case of that shit, stat!!
Oh, wait. I just went to the drugstore and bought some Axe Body Spray. I’m good. I should be modeling in no time!
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It’s pretty potent stuff for a beginner, Misty. Maybe you better start with Old Spice.
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Oh please, Pegtastic one! I was raised on the potent aromas of my dad’s Brut! I’m way past that weak crap. I need the hard stuff!! Where’s the juice, Peg? I need my hit, stat!!
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I LOVE Brut! That scent makes me … happy!
I bought some for my husband but he doesn’t wear it. Shoot. What’s a gal to do?
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I like Aqua Velva. There’s something about an Aqua Velva man.
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Brilliant. Please also come out with a line of air foulers, so that the scent of the homemade brownies I just took out of the oven can be overpowered with mid-summer donkey dung. PS that “after” model is terrifying.
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“mid-summer donkey dung?” Is that more potent than the early-spring variety for some reason?
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Heat and humidity combine to make it hang in the air.
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Oh…eww…urp.
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Peg, not only can you write a heck of a funny post, you can generate a wing-dinger of a comment exchange (with Al). You two were made for each other!
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He’s a pretty funny guy, isn’t he? Thanks, Lorna.
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Peg you made my day thank you. I have a stomach ache from laughing. 🙂
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Hey, wait a minute – you can’t move on to the advanced weight-loss program without paying me first. That’s the Laugh-Til-Your-Tummy-Jiggles-Away plan.
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This is brilliant, although the picture of Bambi after 11 months is somewhat counter-productive as it is surely enough to put anyone off dieting for ever!
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The scary thing is, she’s a real model that somebody paid to make their clothes, er, loin cloth, look good! If that’s what we’re supposed to look like in clothes, high fashion will never be for me.
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Hilarious 🙂 And made even better by the comments !
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I gotta say, my readers come up with some doozies.
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There’s a fruit in Southeast Asia called Durian. It smells like stinky feet, but is considered a delicacy. I kid you not. One girl’s gag-athon is another’s feast. You may be starting a whole other gorge-fest with SenSa!
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I saw that on Chopped – my source for all info about food. I would think that bad smells would be universal, but I guess not. Is Durian part of your new eating plan, Sandy?
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Ack! Urg! Phhtt!
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Ha! Fabulous. These appetite suppressant sprinkles fascinate me. It just seems so wrong. “Let’s put something on perfectly good food that will make you not want to eat it!”
And your pictures as always are perfect!
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All I can think of when I see those ads is the ‘Skinny & Sweet” vs rat poison mix-up in the movie “9 to 5”.
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Hey! I nominated you for Liebster Blog Award. Check it out here, please do the 11 Question tag, I wanna get to know you more =)
http://peacockinarobinsnest.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/liebster-award/
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Well, aren’t you sweet? The sad fact of the matter is that I’m far too lazy to ever fulfill the requirements of awards, which makes everybody just yank them back in an offended huff. I’ll totally understand if you feel you must do that. But thanks for the bloggy shout-out anyway – I really appreciate it!
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I’m with Maineiac. The fumes from that Axe Spray remove leg hair and will fumigate an entire bathroom of mold. I understand it’s made from Godzilla crap. It’s probably what makes microwave ovens smell like butt if used right before handling the plate and then nuking it. I’d love to support your company, but I’ve got my own Axe user and will be spending the money on a new microwave that smell like Dove dishsoap instead.
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Godzilla crap is so versatile – it’s like baking soda that way.
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I lost 22 pounds with your great product. Sadly, I got a head cold and sinus infection and couldn’t smell anything for a week, and I gained 21 pounds of it back. Still, I’m down one pound and I feel great! My pants are looser and all my friends want to know my secret!
I’d like to propose a gender specific scent for the men. Urinal Cake! It’s minty, medicinal and out-stinks urine!
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We’re rushing Urinal Cake into production right away -this is the kind of valuable product feedback Peg-Co is always looking for!
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Glad to contribute! Please leave my name off the patent application and just consider this my gift to science and free enterprise.
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I think you are on to something, or is it on something? Sign me up, the traditional methods are not working.
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Ha ha! Some would argue the latter, sis.
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It’s possible I’ve never gotten more angry at my students than the time someone let a blast of Axe Body Spray loose in my classroom. It was an enraged lecture of epic proportions that day.
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As a fellow teacher, I totally agree with your sentiments. I have a standing rule that students are not to spray anything in my room. That’s because it’s usually some nasty, cheap, bad-smelly stuff and I start sneezing all over the place. Yuck!
We’re here Peg. Got in late afternoon on Sat, went into Bar Harbor to explore yesterday and celebrate Pat’s b-day. Great view, the cottage is really nice and comfy. 🙂
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I remember that some school had an absolute ban on Axe within their walls, and with good reason. Hideous stuff – great commercials.
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I would never need such a product, being a svelte, typical middle-American. And since that is so true, I represent MJ Industries Swamp-for-Sale and have a few acres to sell at a fabulous price. Are you interested?
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I’ve been looking for a vacation property, so I think your swamps would be just what I need, MJ. Where do I send my money?
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I think adding 100 lbs and more to the list would be helpful. The only scent you would need is a combination scent.
Teenage boys bedroom – combination of gym locker, Axe Body Spray and rotting food stuffs.
I would be happy to be your test subject. I think I lost the first 10 laughing at this and your exchanges, so only 90 to go.
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I think that combo scent would have to come in a lead-lined tank, like how they ship plutonium. You’d need a doctor’s prescription AND an act of Congress to use it, but it would definitely do the trick!
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I actually think this might work. I had a similar insight based on foods or alcohols I couldn’t stand to consume once I’d had a nauseous experience with them. I’d like to apply the same principle to people I want to avoid.
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I consumed mass quantities of cheap Lambrusco red wine in college. Having seen it come back up way too many times back in the day, I can’t even stand the smell of it 30 years later. Maybe you could throw-up bad wine on people you want to avoid?
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Hmmm…I’m skeptical. I kinda like some of the Axe sprays.
Do they have anything that will allow me to still eat but seriously speed up my metabolism? That sounds like a better option.
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Sure! It’s called Speed.
My daughter used to like Axe in junior high, and I had to ban it from the house. I guess that’s what makes the world so interested – all kinds of people in it!
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You actually might have something here. The sense of smell is a powerful motivator. I have a really sensitive nose, too. Did you know that those little tiny black ants that always invade the kitchen have a real nasty chemically smell? Ugh. I hate them. They taste nasty, too (I have accidentally bit into something that an ant climbed on and it made me gag something fierce.) If my food all smelled like the grody shit you mentioned–or maybe those ants, even–then I probably wouldn’t eat it. But I agree with Valentine Logar that you need a 100+ lb loss category.
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I DO think this would work, but I love food too much to have my favorites associated with bad smells. As far as the 100+ pounds, I think the school-hall scents would take care of just about every need.
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Yep. Especially that vomit one. That’s gag-inducing just to think about. Blech.
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I think I’m going to vomit after seeing that last photo. That will definitely help with my weight loss.
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That is a picture of an actual high fashion runway model, and the clothing line is NOT an homage to Auschwitz. THAT’s the feminine ideal, I guess. Un.be.lievable.
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Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.
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I had a similar experience eating a giant bag of jelly beans one night and then contracting a severe case of strep throat the next morning. The incidents probably weren’t related at all, but have I eaten even one jelly bean since then? I think not. Not sure if smelling Axe body spray would be worth any amount of weight loss, though. Oh, the humanity! 😉
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I really like me some jelly beans. Maybe I need to eat a bunch the next time I get sick so I associate the two in my mind. Another great weight-loss trick – thanks!
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