Thanks to all who entered to win the (soon-to-be) coveted Peg-o-Clio Award. Your task was to craft an ad campaign to sell the following item to an unsuspecting world.
I convened a distinguished panel of judges over the weekend (being two of my sisters) for the grueling process of selecting the five finalists. Thank you to Mary Kay and Terry for their invaluable help.
We poured our heart and souls into the process (as well as many adult beverages and some pancake syrup, judging from the stains on the printouts) and it was not easy. We practically came to blows as each sibling championed her favorite. We were finally able to narrow it down to five without causing any permanent rifts in the family.
Please read and vote for your favorite.
Tired of taking tests or winning trivia games to prove your intelligence? Now you can show everyone how smart you are without saying a word! Introducing Light Bright. Light Bright’s smart design works instantly to show everyone around you that you’re the brightest bulb in the set. Just pop on the headphones and *think the answers to the MENSA level questions you’ll hear. From your first correct thought, Light Bright glows to show your synapses are firing! Great for parties… fantastic for family gatherings… hours of smugness on major holidays! It’s simple. You’re not! Light Bright. Now available at finer retailers and online merchandisers nationwide. Light Bright. Intelligence is a turn-on!
*NotaffiliatedwithLite-Britethetoyfromthe1970s.
2) Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson @ Teachers & Twits
Oh no! Your car broke down on the corner of Not Lookin’ So Safe Street. And you forgot your cell phone! What’s a girl to do? Put on your CrazyTownGloBoots. Just flip the tiny unobtrusive switch to activate the whirling lights. Put the headphones over your ears, and you’ll be gently instructed on how to get out of that mess! Learn handy phrases to repeat:
What the hell is wrong with eating toothpaste ?
Why do I smell like urine?
When will my spaceship come?
Are you my donkey?
You’ll also be instructed on how to act insane.
Hit yourself.
Itch your armpits excessively.
Scratch your hair.
Stop walking and turn around sharply to see people and things that aren’t there.
Swear and mumble.
Combine these actions with the dialogue and you’ve got it. Because everyone knows: No one will bother you if you are acting all crazy. But they’ll really stay away if you are acting all crazy in your CrazyTownGloBoots (Patent pending. Do not wear in water.)
Feeling hopeless about the future? Has climate change got you down? Are the kids on the local playground making more sense to you than any of those boneheaded politicians? Are you tired of thinking for yourself? Or forming opinions?
Have no fear: NoMo’Me is here! It’s time to give that ol’ noggin of yours a much-needed vacation! That’s right, just connect NoMo’Me’s handy-dandy plug straight into your hippocampus and soon enough you’ll never have to form an original thought again!
Here is a sampling of what NoMo’Me can do for your mind:
[man speaking in a robotic voice]
I love the Kardashan’s. They are awesomesauce.
I don’t care about the future of our healthcare.
The planet is actually cooling down not heating up.
This Big Mac is good for me.
See? For just 99.95 plus S/H your mind will be on permanent vacation! No more stress! No more worries! No more ‘you’! Let other do the thinking for you! Order now!
Well obviously this it the newest offering from Apple . . . the iEnlightener.
Have you been sitting in front of your iPad or iMac all day?
Have your thoughts and vision become fuzzy from staring at that screen for hours on end?
Have you run out of witty and brilliant things to say on all of those thousands of blogs you peruse daily?
Well, you need an iEnlightener!
It will connect your brain to millions of micro-neurotransmitters that will refresh and brighten your noggin, and fill it with new and interesting notions, which you will then translate to the most wonderfully poignant/hilarious/conversation starting content on the entire internet.
The patented* technology shoots both sunbeams AND moonbeams straight from this machine, directly through your aural cavities and into your brain. It refreshens and lightens those tired and worn down cliched thoughts that have settled there. It will immediately remove all forms of communication involving such phrases as: “Good one!” “Hahahahaha” “Nice post” and the always dreaded “follow my blog at ____________.” Instead, you will be able to form the most spectacular of all sentiments, immediately making all others who read your words either fall madly and deeply in love with you or click over to your blog and follow you for the rest of your days of blogging . . . or both!
With this kind of one of a kind technology, you might think this item would sell for thousands of dollars . . . well you’d be right!! But what kind of price tag can you put on this type of service? Your life will be empty without it. You NEED to have one of these wonderful machines at your service. Don’t be the last one to be iEnlightened!! Get yours now.
*Patent pending.
5) k8edid
Research has shown that men think about sex six times a minute. Now with the De-Lust-inator, you can tame that wild man’s wild thoughts. Just place the headphone like device on your man’s head (yes, the one above his shoulders) and the wireless electronic “actuator” just a tad bit lower…and before you know it the De-Lust-inator starts working. Each time Hot Stuff thinks about “doing the deed” a light illuminates on the headset and each additional thought sends impulses to the console. Within seconds, Big Willie is no longer thinking about Little Willy but instead is balancing the checkbook, detailing your vehicle, and trimming the hedges. For the low, low price of four easy payments of just 49.99, you can have the freedom to shower, exercise, bend over to tie your shoe, sit down, stand up, turn around or just stand in the kitchen without unconsciously turning him on.
But wait. If you call in the next 30 minutes we’ll include the “Un-Sports-inator” pack. Drop this software in and then strap that baby on his bulbous cranium on a fall Saturday or Sunday and the man will refuse to watch football, golf, baseball, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, soccer, tennis, horse racing, Indy car time trials, bowling or earthworm races. Instead he’ll clean the garage then offer to drive you to the mall and hold your purse while you shop. Just pay separate handling charges.
But we’re not done yet…for just and additional 49.99 plus S & H, we’ll throw in the A-nor-exinator package. Slip this software in and the man will lose all interest in food. When offered a steak and egg breakfast, he’ decline – opting for a disgusting green juice concoction which he will prepare himself and clean up after. Pizza, corn nuts, Cheetos, hot wings and chips will go to waste as he nibbles celery sticks and baby carrots.
If not completely satisfied you may return your husband for a full refund.
Please vote early (and often) until Sunday, Aug 5 at 12 (noon) Central time.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Wow, tough choice!
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That’s what I said when I had to pick the top five.
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Love, love, love these. I tilted to the last one on men at first. But then I caught myself and gave my vote to the second one–so full of creative thought. All fun responses, though.
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They were fun. I think the winner should get this baby into production, pronto!
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I demand a recount!
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This was sooooooo tough, Vanessa! Boxing gloves were donned on behalf of your entry.
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Well that’s ok then, as long as SOMEBODY fought for me then I’m happy. I suppose I will grudgingly put my vote in for one of the five then… 😉
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I’m with Vanessa! I missed the finals in both this one AND the embarrassing childhood story at She’s a Maineiac ‘s contest! I feel so snubbed, so almost good! Boo Hoo Dammit!
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Well, you and me are winners in my book 1pointperspective!
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“You’re winners in EVERYone’s book” she cried, plaintively, looking to regain the love and affection her cold-hearted contest finals had lost, maybe forever.
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It is tough to choose when there are so many talented writers but a sista has to help out her sista when the call comes to serve! I’m still trying to get that damn syrup off my sticky fingers – and I didn’t even have the yummy pancakes 🙂
Haven’t had much chance to work on my blog, got home late after MK and I took the scenic tour along Lake MI to South Haven. We were llucky with traffic around the INdiana horn but found some in construction heading to GR. Made it home safe with all my fabulous treasures from our shopping extravaganza.
Had a great time! Thanks for your fine hospitality 🙂
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Thanks for your company and for your help on the contest – you’re the best, sis!
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Golly, it was hard to choose. Very well done and congrats to the finalists – all so funny. Now I need an iEnlightener so I could say something really fabulous and witty. Sigh . . . Mistyslaws, when did you say it would be on the market?
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I have to win first so that Pegaliciousnessable can foot the bill for the production of these highly coveted objects. That’s the prize, right Peggo? That and an all expense paid trip to a tropical island of my, er whoever wins’, choice?
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Er, yeah. That’s just what I had in mind. Not something lame like a picture of a cheesy, made-up trophy. Ha ha. Ha.
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Wouldn’t that come in handy?
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Woo-Hoo! Look at me, a finalist and everything. Wouldn’t my dear sweet momma be proud!
She would be even prouder, and would probably even get up off her death bed* to do a celebration dance, if only more people would vote for MY entry. Come on everyone! Don’t let momma down!
*the dire state of my mother’s health MAY have been exagerated for comedic purposes. Note: No mommas were injured in the writing of this comment.
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Tee hee 🙂
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Wow, look at that, Peg! I’m sooooo confused …
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You must be signed in under your new blog name, so it defaults there.
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Thanks for that clarification.
I’m not sure if you ever saw my comment on Jules’ blog (because you so thoughtlessly left on vacation in the middle of that particular comment-play) but whenever I see your name, without any punctuation, I wonder:
Is it Misty’s Laws, as in… your rules for the universe to live by
or
is it Misty Slaws, as in… you make the best cole slaw in the universe?
Inquiring minds want to know.
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Well, Peg . . . it’s funny you should ask that. And I would love to tell you all about my brilliant and unparalleled slaw making skills. However, based on the injuction entered after the tragic and fatal slaw debacle of 1996 (now legally referred to as “the incident”), I am barred from sharing any details of the story OR of my infamous and scrumptous slaw recipe. So, um . . . yeah, we’ll just say it’s that first one.
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Sorry for bringing up what is clearly a sensitive subject. I’m such a cabbage-head.
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Why am I surprised at how amazing these entries are?! I should not be surprised, given the entrants. Holy hilarious batman! Well, my vote is in, but I think I need a drink now. That was stressful.
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“Need a drink whenever you post? Whenever you comment? To get through the day and make it go just a bit smoother? Sounds like you may have…
the recipe for a fantastic time! Call me and we’ll do shots!”
*This has been a public service announcement, brought to you by the Retail Liquor Association.
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LIKE.
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Jules, I *HOPE* you did the right thing. LOL!
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After flying into Philadelphia and then departing from Newark with some field trips to “interesting” places in between after hours from my consulting job…no brainer!
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Have a great trip!
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This is off topic, but I went in search of your post about blogging etiquette after Roly’s post today. Did you happen to see it? After seven months of blogging and feeling inundated with blog post notifications, I am learning how to follow/unfollow so the email traffic is manageable. Thanks to you, my sanity is (partially) in place.
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Well, thanks for the compliment! I told WordPress they needed to pin that etiquette post on the front page as a public service for all the blogging world, but for some reason they didn’t go for it.
I’ll check out the post you mentioned – thanks.
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Yes! WordPress should address etiquette head on.
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Fret not Peg-O, I think I speak for both Vanessa and myself when I tell you that you haven’t lost our love and loyalty. We’ll stick with you, and try to look happy for the eventual winners, even though on the inside, I’ll already be at the bar outside the awards ceremony, drowning my sorrows on estate bottled tequila and vowing to do better next time. I can’t speak for what will be going through Vanessa’s mind, but she’s welcome to join me – first tumbler of Mexican sedation is on me.
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That’s a pretty good offer, Vanessa. I’d take him up on it if I were you.
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Hmmm. Mexican sedation – clever!
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Reblogged this on Teachers & Twits and commented:
I am a finalist in Pegoleg’s Peg-o-Clio Award. Seriously, I entered a short piece of fiction inspired by a picture that she posted, and I made it to the finals. I would love it if you would check out the entries and then VOTE FOR ME. Or just scroll right to the bottom and VOTE FOR ME on an act of faith. I seem to always bump up against Darla from She’s a Maineiac and K8edid, and those ladies are the bombiest! So check it out, and did I mention VOTE FOR ME! From every device in your house. Seriously. I’m going down and dirty with this one. 😉 Mainly because I’m getting killed.
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You’re the killer, not the killee, Renee. Way to get the vote out! Too bad it isn’t this fun to do that for political elections.
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Well, everything can change in a minute. So for nw I’ll count my blessings.
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Oh my! Some hilarious choices to pick from!
By the way, I think I’m breaking a record for being in the most contests at the same time AND losing all of them by a gigantic amount! Yessss!
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I can’t believe I didn’t manage to enter yours. But Peg already had poop.
So.
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That’s what I want it to say on my Headstone: Peg Had Poop.
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I can so, SO relate. As you know, I’m usually the bridesmaid. Sigh.
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I could use a vacation from my head some days…
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The Vacationator – great idea! Too bad you didn’t have it LAST week.
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All your blogger friends are so talented that it was very hard to chose the top 5 but I feel we did our best. You didn’t give us much time to research this topic and kept plying us with alcoholic beverages! I had a wonderful time and enjoyed the new woman cave. Thank you for your hospitality and fun shopping chauffeuring.
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Sorry about that post-road trip hangover. It’s kind of an occupational hazard when traveling. Thanks so much for coming – I loved seeing you two!
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To K8edid: Please sell me the patent so that I can destroy it. Now. Money is no object. This invention MUST NOT reach the marketplace!
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Too late, Al. She already got countless donations from millions of women to get it into production, STAT!
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Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha….I may not win this here contest, but fame and fortune is bound to be mine….ALL MINE. If I hadn’t been in the hospital I would have pulled my usual trick of offering to buy a round in a crowded establishment (wait, is that Dave out there?) to everyone who votes for my submission…
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These were soooo good! This contest completely intimidated me and now I’m relieved I didn’t enter — what a talented group, geesh! The product names alone are BRILLIANT. I could’ve spent the entire day just coming up with a product name.
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And what’s wrong with that? As if you have anything else to do, hmmm?
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Fantastic contest. Best of luck to all you talented participants!
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Thanks for voting!
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Thanks for voting, August! 😉 Pego, you should check out August! Her writing is the bomb!
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I will! I’m always on the lookout for recommendations from bloggers whose taste I trust, Renee.
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Funny stuff! I’m glad I made it in on time to vote!
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I want the de-lust-inator! 🙂
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Reblogged this on betterincruces.
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Oooh, thank goodness I’m so late to the comment party and that the voting has already closed! I don’t know how you narrowed it down to five options, let alone to a single winner, Peg. I would probably buy each of those made-up products in a second. 🙂
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