(sung to the tune of “The Bonnie Banks o’ Loch Lomond”)
O ye’ll tak’ the high road, and Ah’ll tak’ the low road
And ye’ll git your Big Mac afore me
*Helpful diet tip here* McDonald’s has a sugar-free, vanilla iced coffee that is yummy, refreshing, and a great bargain for the wallet and waistline at only $2 and 60 calories. But this story isn’t about dieting. It’s about how annoying people can be. Or it’s about how easily annoyed I can get. You decide.
The temperature hit 100 today. I was out running errands and an iced coffee sounded delightful so I pulled into Mickey D’s. For those of you sneering, “I NEVER go there”, let me school you. The newer McDonald’s have 2 drive-through lanes now. As you wind your way through the McParking Lot you reach a McFork in the road. A sign says something like “Any lane, any time.”
There was one car before me in either lane. Both were parked in front of the menus, chatting with the drive-through hostess through the miracle of modern audio technology. Which to choose, which to choose? Tis a puzzlement.
I chose poorly.
I always choose poorly, as I may have mentioned before.
The car in the right lane finished and went forward to pay, get food, and get on with their busy lives. I waited. A second car did their business and followed the first. I waited. Then another car went through. As the temperature climbed outside, my internal temperature climbed as well.
I began to suspect McDonald’s had branched out to drive-though McTherapy as the lone woman in the car ahead of me droned on and on and on with her new BFF, the drive-through hostess.
I started talking to that driver from the privacy of my car. I gave her helpful suggestions. Kind of anatomy lessons, really. My voice rose. I suffer from the common delusion that because I’m in my car with the windows rolled up, I’m invisible. By the time the little dogie in the car in front of me finally git along, I was clutching my face and practically screaming. I looked like an Edvard Munch painting.
Four cars went through the right lane while I sat there and waited in the left.
The moral of the story is this:
If you’re getting lunch for the whole, *$^#%@ office, go inside. For the love of all that is sacred, do not use the drive-through.
One good thing came out of today’s experience, though. As has been shown time and again through history, extreme suffering leads to high art. While I was waiting I had time to compose a poem.
With apologies to Robert Frost.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a parking lot, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And it sucked.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Excellent. Vanilla you say…
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Way to synthesize the essence of the post. Sugar-free vanilla.
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On a recent trip attempt at drive-thru dining I ended up banging my head against the steering wheel. I learned a lesson from that, I still stop occasionally for a cup of coffee for my twice daily curse-fest that is my commute…but I go inside if I am not the first car in the drive-thru lane.
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I’ve done that too, but they apparently have a mandate that the drive-through gets top priority. If it’s really slow outside, it’s twice as slow inside. At least for me.
How long is your curse-fest,,,er, commute? That’s the main thing I don’t miss about when we lived in the Chicago burbs. I almost went postal stuck in traffic on the toll road every, mother-lovin’ day.
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Right now, since the snowbirds are gone, I can make it in about 50 minutes unless some pesky deputies or state troopers decide to travel my route. In high tourist season – I am looking at 60 to 75 minutes to go 37.5 miles (but who’s counting). I listen to books on CD, curse a lot, and have been known to wave with only one finger…but of course, not to the deputies or state troopers.
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Damn those pesky deputies and state troopers! And snowbirds.
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And the a-holes simultaneously smoking, talking on their cell phones AND balancing a cup of scalding hot coffee on the steering wheel at 40 mph, in the a.m. In the afternoon it is 88 oz Big Gulp in place of the coffee.
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I’ve heard the same thing about the drive thru getting priority as well. Sometimes I go inside if the line is long, but not always.
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I just love this.
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I am an impatient witch. I know that.
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What a “pleasant” experience, Peg. Are you coining the term McRage?? hehe
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No, I’m just living it. Great term!
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After reading the grocery store blog and this one, I have come to the conclusion when it comes to picking lines, you are truly a McLoser! It would be worth following you around so I could always pick the faster line i.e., the one you’re not in.
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Your plan is sound. Al, I’m not (much) exaggerating when I say I always get the slow line.
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Loved the end to your “Apology to Robert Frost” poem! Lol 🙂
“I looked like an Edvard Munch painting.” was pretty cool too.
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I really did put my hands up to the side of my face in my rage and line-induced sorrow, and it occurred to me I probably looked like a cross between The Scream and that Home Alone kid.
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I believe it! And while an amusing combination of Munch’s classic and Home Alone kid to visualize the rage and sorrow of your facial expression, I’ve always found that Macaulay Culkin kid to be kinda annoying, so I prefer your image that day as “The Scream” alone. But that’s just me…
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I’m with you on Culkin. Most actor kids are just too, too sickeningly fake for my taste.
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So funny 🙂 I too choose poorly, but I’m just rude enough to be pushy and squeeze my way in front when possible after making a shitty choice anyway!
The worst are supermarket checkouts on pension day or early any morning when pensioners use their checkout experience as a social outing. In principal I don’t hate old people (though they do smell weird and are all shriveled like they are real people that got left out to dry in the sun too long) it’s just in the context of wanting to get my massive cart full of groceries home before the sell by date on my stuff passes, they suck.
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Repeat the following mantra: “Someday I will be old, God willing, and I hope everyone is patient with me.” Then breathe deeply. It helps to keep from knocking grannies to the ground, at least for me.
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LOL 🙂 I need that mantra AND some Xanax!
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Mickey D’s would clean up with a Xanax shake, free with every 5 Happy meals – mother’s little helper.
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I think Mickey D’s is a well-kept secret, but I usually go inside because my near-by location has a drive-thru like a cattle chute and there’s no way out if I want to rip around, go inside and pick up my order thus avoiding the pudge who’s ordering for the entire office. They should have signs (like they do at the express grocery lanes) No more than 6 items
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You’re so right. Once you’re in the belly of the drive-through beast, there’s no turning back. Especially if they already have your money, like yesterday. Because even after we got through the ordering ordeal, I had to wait for many, many minutes for them to hand 25 drinks and bags out to her.
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Good tip about the iced coffee!
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Also the child-size cones, although not all places carry them. Only 50 cents and 50 calories!
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HA HA! Oh Peg, as soon as I got to [reading about] the fork in the road, I was scared for you. I remember the grocery store tale.
Seriously. What was this woman thinking? Although I am kind of glad you’re suffering for your art, because your poem made me BURST out laughing.
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To tell you the truth, every time I use the word “suck” I die a little inside. I always lectured my kids that is a crude word and, frankly, it’s not one I use in conversation. But I figure sometimes profanity has a place in literature (and yeah, that’s what I’m calling this drivel nowadays) for emphasis, even more so if it is used infrequently.
Have a great trip into the big city this weekend!
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Awesome post – I got a big laugh out of the last line.
Lines can be so frustrating. I think of the Charlie Brown voices of teachers and adults, “wha wha WHA wheh wheh WHa!” That’s what those McD’s employees sound like thru those intercoms to me. Yeah, you got Lynes Disease, alright.
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Lynes Disease – bwaa ha ha! OK, I’m officially stealing that. You kill me, Spectra.
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-and I won’t even be seeking royalties on it 😉
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I like the yellow headed screamer in your photo. Maybe she should be your new gravatar!
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You know, Margie….I think you may be on to something. I’ll check with the Peg-Co board of directors.
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I admire your patience but I would have honked my horn. Only if my the hubby wasn’t with me though. Otherwise, I’d have never heard the end of it.
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I don’t like to do that because in a small town, it’s going to turn out to be somebody I know or, even worse, a client! I’ve got to learn to smile and nod while cursing quietly under my breath.
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I feel kinda guilty saying this, but I like your version better, although I wouldn’t have wished the wait upon you!
I giggled at the part about “helpful suggestions.” I, too, do that from my own car. 🙂
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We’re only trying to help, right?
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I hear it now: grave roll, grave roll, grave roll…
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I’d like some butter with that grave roll.
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I present the new US Poet Laureate — Peg-o-Leg. By the way, I just now realized that your name is even poetic.
I always notice that the car ahead of me taking forever will then be handed bag-upon-bag-upon-bag of food. Argh! Yes. Right there. That face you just referenced. I just did that.
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I was a seething mass of road rage all over the place this weekend as the stupid and clueless were out in force. Sometimes I scare myself; thank goodness I don’t carry a gun.
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Oh, Pegolicious. Chill out. I wasn’t ordering for my entire office! I just wanted 52 Big Macs and 15 large fries because I was a little hungry, so sue me. What–did you think I was going to drag my ass outside the car and WALK into the restaurant in that sweltering heat?! I don’t need unnecessary exercize!
I was in line at Tim Horton’s recently and I swear to God this guy in front of me ordered about 70 bagels, probably wanted them all toasted and each one with different cream cheese. I came pretty close to ramming his car but instead I just glared through the windshield, rolled my window down, put my hand to my head in exasperation…I even shook my head violently to display my disgust but the guy didn’t seem to care that I was miffed. In fact I don’t think he even noticed me. If only I had pulled out my patented Scream move!
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Darliciousness! How lovely to see your smiling, plaid-clad face! I hope you’re having a fab vacation with the family. I will be on vaca for most of the week, so the tumbleweeds will be claiming my blog as well.
Don’t you hate when the recipient of your rage doesn’t have the courtesy to even notice?? Some people…
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Enjoy your vacation, Peg! You deserve some serious R and R…
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Oh, I have a poem! I have a poem!
*ahem ahem*
*gargle gargle*
*ahem*
Okay. here goes…
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ll have a number one.
Large.
With a Coke.
🙂
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That was fine, just fine, wasn’t it boys and girls?
Recess time!
Oh, SIG, please stay after class a moment so we can review the concept of poetry and rhyming from today’s lesson.
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LOL! Don’t suppress true artistry!
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Loved it, spilledink! haha!
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Good to be back, Peg! I missed you and the humor only you can lend to a situation. McTherapy, indeed! 🙂
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I have just recently started following your blog – but I have to say that I am amused, understanding, and there with you. I’m almost on the opposite end of the spectrum in that I never know what I want on the rare occasion that I go to a fast food place. So my family rolls their eyes at me because I always want to go inside so I don’t hold up the line while I contemplate the menu. I HATE waiting in lines and detest when I feel like I am holding up anyone else. I will even stand at a store and let people go in front of me if they only have a few things and I have a cart full. Not that it gets me anywhere – most people don’t have that courtesy. NEVER shop at Walmart on the first of the month. Social security is issued, food stamps are issued, pay days are issued. Yeah – a nightmare.
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Good for you for being so considerate. I was in line at a discount food store the other day, Aldis, and people really stock up there. There were 2 checkers and the 2nd one closed her line and went to stock shelves, leaving a big line. The lady in front of me couldn’t get over this lack of service. She was right, of course. The interesting thing to me was that was her cart was piled to the rafters with stuff. I’m behind her with exactly 8 items, 4 of them avocados. She went on and on about how rude the checker was, yet it didn’t occur to her that common courtesy would be let me to go ahead of her.
Thanks for stopping by – I’m glad to have you!
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Hahaha! I knew as soon as you had a choice of lanes in the drive-thru that you would pick the wrong one. Line slayer lives on!
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SF vanilla? Does it still taste like coffee? (I’d rather it didn’t). If you’re still in line, will you pick up one for me?
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