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Men and women don’t see the same world.
I’m not saying one vision is better than the other – they’re just different. I also don’t pretend to represent Every Woman, but I suspect this will sound familiar to many. Now that we’ve got the disclaimers out of the way…
The following is a true and faithful account of a real-life event. Come with me now on a roller coaster ride through the female brain. Mine.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I’ve taken similar rides many times and still wonder, why don’t other people ever take a moment to replace the empty roll of toilet paper out of consideration for the next bathroom user??
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Those are people who are really busy contemplating the big, important issues in life. They can’t be bogged down with pedestrian concerns. Either that or they’re really rude.
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Toilet paper should be everyone’s concern, shouldn’t it?
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Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And even if the man needed it, he’d have walked in with a magazine, which would have consumed his attention and no way would he have time or the awareness to contemplate the meaning of life or when you’re going to retire.
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Although usually if a man is taking care of the kind of business that requires a magazine, toilet paper will be needed.
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He can always use the magazine and he would.
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Yuck. Just…yuck.
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LOL. This is brilliant. It shows just how well we multitask. Golly-still giggling.
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That’s what struck me about the whole thing – it’s like my thoughts were a bunch of little mice running around in all directions in my brain.
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Ok, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this has Freshly Pressed written all over it.
Brilliant. Hilarious. True. My three most favorite things in a post. Well done, Pegoliciousness!!
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Thanks, Darlonica Lake. Once I got this typed into Word, I had a DEVIL of a time figuring out how to get it onto WordPress. Can’t believe how much time I wasted on the mechanics of it – I need to get rich and famous so I can hire minions to do the technical crap for me!!
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I had just assumed you’d drawn it up in microsoft Paint, and transferred it into WP through your media button. What you’ve done seems so much harder.
And it’s so true – a woman is managing not just an entire household, but a world of other people.
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Huh? I don’t think I have a media button. It was a bugger to get on here – I’m not very tech savvy.;
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Oh – by ‘media button’, I meant your editor. The tab or button you click to add photos from your photo files. And based on what I see in your work, your tech savvy enough!
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I don’t think I have that feature, and thanks for the (false) tech praise. I’m fairly clueless here.
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This is hilarious. You captured the roller coaster perfectly.
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Has your brain been there/done that?
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Definitely. Several times a day on occasion!
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🙂 Likey, Likey!
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Thank YOU! Can’t wait to see you-all tomorrow!
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It’s too early in the morning to be laughing this hard. I always prefer to hike a mountain before engaging in strenuous laughter. In any case, thanks for a hilarious start to my beautiful day!
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Why, thank you! Hike a mountain for me, won’t you?
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Ah, the mind of a woman – captured in flow-chart perfection!
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We’re multi-tasking, squirrel-in-a-cage-thinking creatures.
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Seriously brilliant and if this isn’t Freshly Pressed, I will spit. Mine would also include “I hate having to reach up so high to get the toilet paper out of the hall closet. All of the closets in this house suck. It’s a good thing I have so few clothes. It’s almost embarrassing. I really need to go shopping.”
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That thought thread came right after I started my paper-products shopping list. I didn’t have room for it on the chart. You really do need to go shopping – maybe some new shoes?
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OMG, Peg. I worship you and this process flow. Hilarious!! Brilliant! Oh and I’m with Renee – Freshly Pressed Overlords, I beseech you!
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Your avatar Cracks. Me. Up. Every time I see it I start giggling.
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This is just perfect. Thanks for making me feel not so alone.
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We’re all in this together. Until the toilet paper runs out.
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I’ll second Darla’s FP comment. If not, there is no justice… or toilet paper in this world. Also? Just forwarded this to Tom in a passive aggressive “hint. Hint. HINT!” kind of way. He responded with “I don’t get it”. That, my dear, is The Man proving your point.
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They don’t get it because they don’t WANT to get it. Linear thinking.
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OMG you and I have the same brain chart! If a man DID take a magazine in the bathroom, and after doing his business discovered an empty toliet paper roll, he would simply take the carboard tube off the roller, and use it as toliet paper. Then after plugging up the toliet try to flush it, he would rationalize it by saying “it was like going camping and it was better than a leaf”
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I’m seriously disturbed by that use the cardboard roll idea. Ewwwww!
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HA!
I’m actually pretty good about replacing the T.P.
Maybe because I like to make sure the flap hangs OVER instead of UNDER (where it can get trapped / all pined up against the wall).
Pretty sure I usually don’t make it all the way to pondering the meaning of life, though.
I’m usually too busy being proud of myself and admiring my handiwork.
🙂
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A lot of people have a hangup about how the TP is hung up. I don’t get it- potato poTAto as far as I’m concerned. But dirty kitchen counters, well, that’s a different kettle of OCD fish.
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“A different kettle of OCD fish” – I LOVE IT! Still laughing 🙂
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We all have the little things that drive us crazy, right Tar? The thing that makes others OCD and us reasonable is, well, we’re just being reasonable.
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Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. It should/will be Fresh “Pee’d” like everyone is saying. If there is a God. I guess we’ll get the answer to that age old question soon.
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Freshly “peed”?? As in P and pee? You slay me, Elyse!
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Bathroom humor is a bottomless pit for me. I live it and, worse, breathe it.
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“bottom”-less? Ha ha!
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Holy smokes!! I applaud you simply for the time it took to create the flow chart! You get a standing ovation for filling the flow chart with such accuracy! Wow, Peg. You knocked this toilet paper roll out of the park! Oh, and remain seated – I will replace the toilet paper roll for you. You’ve earned a break.
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That’s a true friend. One who comes running when they hear you hollering from the throne – “hey, little help here!”
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Thank God for Peg-O… letting me know that I’m not the only one whose mind goes to a thousand other places in one seemingly innocuous response to stimulus. Brills. (That’s what the kids are saying these days.)
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Brills? If I say that to my 20 and 22-year-olds will I get all kinds of street cred, or will they look at me like I have 2 heads?
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It’s perfect! And right on, at least for my head. 🙂 And it all started with a potty break…
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It’s the pause that refreshes. Except when it starts a run-away mental freight train.
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Again, you have nailed life’s gender contrasts. Women have to think like this to keep said man cave functional! Where’s the Calgon? After I check the tiolet paper-don’t like those kind of surprises. Very witty of you, Peg.
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Calgon, take me away! Except before I could ever do that, I would have to scrub the heck out of the tub. Nobody ever takes a bath and I just figure the bottoms of our feet can take all the soap scum. Not pretty.
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OMG…you are my wife!
🙂
Be encouraged!
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It’s a female thing. We can’t help it.
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Have you heard this joke?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows. It has never happened before.
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Ha ha! In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that my hubby is pretty good about that. But I’ve heard stories…
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This is me. All day, every day. I actually have a blog post in-progress about it…but it has been in-progress for weeks now. I keep getting distracted by other things.
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Ha ha ha! Exactly.
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one of the first things i learned in my marriage was how to properly mount a new roll. i had originally thought that by simply replacing the roll, i should have gotten knighted, but was surprised to find out that the paper has to come over the top of the roll, rather than hanging from beneath it. in the many decades since, i’ve learned so much more.
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Isn’t that interesting? I don’t care about that, but I know a lot of people go bananas if the rolls isn’t hung just so. I guess the important thing is doing what you have to do to keep peace in your home.
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it was funny, though it was also a harbinger for partterns of decades of marital conflict and resolutions yet to come. she knew once she had me trained on the easy things, like proper t.p. mouting, that i could learn tougher tricks, like how to fold a bra and properly iron pleated pants.
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I don’t know which is more impressive – you doing those things, or her GETTING you to do those things. Does she ever work with cats?
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She’s a crafty one. I think her experience has shown that cats can only do things for themselves, so she didn’t waste her time on them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go vacuum and advance the wash.
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Vacuum? Wash? Stop! I’m really getting turned on, here.
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Turned on?! Well…it’s nice to be appreciated, even from afar. As long as I’ve got you all charged up, I’m putting together tonight’s dinner menu and could use some feedback. I’m thinking of grilled whole-grain mustard crusted yellow fin tuna with a jalapeno-honey glaze and some steamed spring veggies with a nice salad. White wine of course, chardonnay has become so predictable, I’m thinking a viognier…then fresh strawberries for dessert…
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Put some whipped cream on those strawberries and I’m yours. Will your wife mind?
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mind or notice? it’s a fine line. FYI: I only use fresh whipped cream, usually sweetened with a dash of Grand Marnier or Kahlua.
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No wonder we’re exhausted! This gave me a good laugh as I nodded all the way through, knowing that’s how my thoughts would have gone too. Funny to think that this whole process sometimes only takes a minute or two, and yet we can cover some pretty diverse topics as our thoughts literally scramble in all directions. Well done!!
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You know, you’re right. I should be celebrating how multi-taskable our nimble brains are!
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Classic and so true! I think the best is when my husband feels it is totally fine to leave just one sheet on a roll, and that one magical sheet somehow lets him off the hook. When I get on his case about not replacing the roll, he responds with “But it wasn’t empty yet! I left some on there!” Ugh! 😉
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Oh, jeez, that is so true. Just because one square may be all HE needs for his business…news flash; it don’t work that way for the ladies.
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I LOVE flow charts. I was a little disappointed that “my version” ends up at the far left, checking septic tank levels, but there have been many times I wind up with “Why am I here? Oh yeah!!” — many times per day. Usually because I’m doing too much at once. But with a an empty toilet roll? That’s awesome!!
PS — When my husband hangs a new roll, I SWEAR he’s hanging it backwards just to see if I change it (you know, as in pull from back). I always do. He must smile when he comes in behind me. Drat.
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I can’t count the number of times I end up in a room asking “Why am I here?” and it’s usually not an existential question.
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Ha! Love the post, Peg! Just back from Chicago and seeing your post. Awesome.
And, yes, I too get lost in my own “projecting outcomes” thinking. No wonder we’re always exhausted! 🙂
Going to read the rest of the comments! What fun!
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The really funny/sad thing is this is an actual conversation I had with my brain while in the bathroom. You do this too? No wonder we’re exhausted – you got that right!
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This is priceless – at what point when you were changing the loo roll did you start planning your flow chart as well???!! I think I’m going to go with the flow chart option in future seen as how my Husband refuses to instigate any type of renovation/maintenance from my ‘concept drawings’ and will only work from technical, to scale versions of what I’m picturing in my head – I need to flow chart my way into a landscaped front garden and fitted bedroom furniture right now………. 🙂
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Let me know how that works out for you. I think my hubby would only look at such a flow chart if he was stuck in the bathroom with nothing else to read.
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The toilet paper roll gets changed? I thought it just grew another one.
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In a perfect world. I bet you change the roll all the time, Al. You strike me as that kind of guy.
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See, I knew you were psychic!
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Who you calling psychotic?
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The nearness historically of the empty toilet paper roll is directly proportional to the size of the next package of toilet paper purchased (240 mega-rolls — worth 3 normal rolls each!!! Free shipping by semi with every order!) Actually, I prefer “John Wayne” toilet paper — rough, tough, and it don’t take no sh*t offa nobody!!!!
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I think the “Don’t take no sh*t” would be a BAD thing in a toilet paper.
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Can I print this out and hang out in the bathroom for Kiefer and the boys? So far, we’ve had no missing TP incidents, but it’s only been a week.
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Feel free. I wondered if you went through with the move – how’s it going?
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So far, so good. Concerning the bathroom, I did learn to wait at least 5 minutes before entering after Boo or Radley uses it.
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Sorry if this appears to be stalking, Peg, but I just have to make another comment on this blog. I’ve read a little Freud and Jung, but this is the first time I have seen any kind of segway from an empty paper roll to the meaning of life. I’ve felt for some time now that my life is in the toilet. I’m “relieved” to know why.
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Perhaps you have been pissing your life away?
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And they wonder why women are tired!
You posts are on a roll.
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I’m exhausted without even lifting a finger!
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This. Is. AWESOME!! I can’t imagine how long it took to get the formatting for this correct in WP (let alone type up the entire flow chart.) My mind– it’s boggled! In a very good way!
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The flow chart is amazing and I need to print it and hang it in every bathroom in my home! 🙂
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Yeah, just put that on your to=do list.
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Thank you for making me realize why it takes me so long to finally make it to the bathroom!!!!
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Oh, this was brilliant, Peg! But you knew that, didn’t you.
I more on the man side of things and my husband on the woman side. We just ran out of toilet paper last week. My thought bubble stopped at — “We have Kleenex so we’ll be fine for a good five more days.” Meanwhile my husband started digging through the coupon drawer immediately.
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Make that “I’m” more on the man side of things. Clearly I’m more on the man side of things since “Me talk like caveman.”
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Reminds me of that Saturday Night Live sketch with Phil Hartman as the thawed out caveman; “me simple cave-man lawyer…”
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Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer is one of my favorite SNL skits ever.
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He was a genius. What a waste.
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So true.
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Are you more of a linear thinker? Good for you. I’m definitely in the “do many things at once, but none of them well” camp.
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LOL! 😀
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And “they” wonder why women carry so much stress in their bodies…
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Oh. My. Gawd. I just read this and almost peed myself laughing, which reminded me to go potty, which reminded me…well, you get the drift. 🙂
I wrote a similar post to this somewhere about something. But I can’t remember exactly where it is.
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