The recent rash of bad behavior by certain United States federal agencies has left a bad taste in our collective mouths, but there is a bright side. These stains on the national honor have given rise to several new buzzwords that are quickly making their way into everyday usage.
For those who like to be on the cutting edge of language evolution, I got your definitions right here, along with an example of how each term is used.
DEA: A cruel and inhumane punishment.
Named for the agency who held a suspect in a cell for 5 days without food, water or basic toilet facilities.
Example: “If you don’t pick these toys up this instant, Billy, it will be DEA for you and I don’t mean maybe!”
GSA: A lavish, over-the-top celebration where money is no object.
Named for the $800,000+ convention this purchasing arm of the government threw for itself.
Example: “Tiff’nee went ballistic when her parents couldn’t get rapper 50 Cent for her Sweet 16 party. How could it be the GSA she deserved without top-name talent?”
HHS: The authoritarian trampling of the basic rights of the governed.
Named for a bureaucratic agency turning a non-medically necessary option into a right, then forcing others to pay for it despite their religious objections.
Example: “The owner of the kosher deli feared it was just a matter of time before the City Council went totally HHS, and forced him to sell BLTs.”
SEC: Viewing pornography online.
Named for the watchdogs of the financial industry who were busy downloading porn and fiddling while Rome burned 2 years ago.
Example: “You have to talk to Bobby, honey. I realize teenage boys are curious, but if he doesn’t spend more time studying and less SECing, he isn’t going to pass 9th grade!”
Secret Service: Illicit sexual behavior, usually for money (amount to be determined later.)
Named for the agency charged with guarding the president, who hired prostitutes while out of the country.
Example: “Johnny hoped there might be a little Secret Service action at the bachelor party, so he brought a pack of Trojans just in case.”
Government spokespersons would not comment on the likelihood that more new words were in the offing, but informed observers say that is all but guaranteed.
***WARNING!! WARNING WILL ROBINSON****If you’ve been having the problem of comments from every, mother-loving person in the universe showing up in your inbox, there is a fix. WordPress set the default choice to “notify me of follow up comments” whenever you leave a comment. You have to uncheck that box once you get done typing your pearls of wisdom in the Leave a Reply box below and before you hit submit. *********
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Depressing : /
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If we don’t laugh, we’ll either cry or go postal (damn – I missed that one!)
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Ima gonna go all USPS on yer ass!
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Somehow, “Ima gonna go all Canada Post on yer ass” doesn’t have the same ring to it. You Americans have all the good lines. 😦
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You Canadians need to get busy with the misbehavin’.
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And in the private sector, the new term “peg-o-legging” refers to witty and insightful discourse of all things topical. What fun!
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You give voice to my fondest dreams…
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Excellent. I know it’s years ago now, but I support the inclusion of ATF for something irrationally destructive. “I dropped my glasses in to the garbage disposal. By the time I got it shut off they were completely ATF’d.”
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Good one! I was marinating this post when I saw your fab offering on the DEA last week. Aren’t you glad we get so much great material from our government???
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Yes who needs the comedy channel??? ( Nothing a good stand up act…)
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Reality is a lot funnier – also scarier, right?
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oops meant “against”
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Partayyy at the DEA’s place!
It’s BYOF&W though.
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It’s a GSA at the DEA – BYOPP as well (porta-potty)
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Geesh. Blogging tips, giggles, AND a cutting edge dictionary. What would we do without you?!
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Yeah! What would we do without you Pegolacious?
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Hopefully you’ll never have to find out! (how easy it would be to get along without me).
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Thanks for doing your public service, keeping us informed of all these changes. No way we could keep up with them all on our own!
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It’s real, real depressing sifting through all the bad news and trying to make funny out of it.
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Thanks for this excellent expose’ of our acronym happy government.
Also, thanks for the tip on all the comment emails, I was only minutes from falling on my sword over this. Put yourself down for a save.
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Al, if you forget to uncheck the “notify me” box there is a fix. On your dashboard in the left column go to “blogs I follow”. At the top of the resultant list is a heading “Comments”. Click on that and it shows all the blogs you are subscribed to for comments. Hit “delete” under each one and it will remove you from getting all the follow-up comments.
I was going to abbreviate “follow-up” as FU, but….yeah…
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Thanks again, Peg. I have already had to use this “backup fix.” Did you miss your calling? I’m thinking “The Geek Squad” is looking for a few good techs.
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The devil must be shrugging into his parka right about now, if I’m being held up as some sort of techno expert.
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I couldn’t believe the rash of comments coming into my email. WTF? I’m grateful that the WP help desk answered my question about it so fast, but why in the world would they set that default? Sometimes they make it hard to have fun here.
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The forums have been abuzz for a week and everybody is going crazy. After all this do you think they’d change it back? NO!
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Brilliant post, girl! The only abbreviation I can come up with after reading about these idiots is, WTF!
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Ha ha! That’s the abbreviation that should be added to the name of each agency.
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Power corrupt. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And what have we done with the Patriot Act? Given the government the right to take away our rights in the name of protecting us. It’s insane. And you pointed that out. That’s why I can only watch the news as it is delivered by Jon Stewart.
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I have always loved that line – so true, so pithy. Wish I’d thought of it.
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And maybe The Colbert Report… 🙂
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I don’t know what I’m more thrilled to learn, the clever acronyms or how to stop every comment on the internet racing to my inbox. I thought I’d accidentally hit some button in my settings and haven’t made time to go back and check it. I’m glad I can count on you to straighten me out. If you were 3 states closer, I’d bring you brownies.
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Me too, Barb. I was about ready to put my head through the monitor – I was dreading checking my inbox. The problem is, even knowing about this comment thing I keep forgetting to uncheck that box. WHy can’t WordPress leave well enough alone?
Some would say that 3 states is not too far for a brownie to travel.
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Wait, I just got to the point in my life where I felt really good about paying taxes, like I maybe needed to pay even more. Now I’m having second thoughts. Please advise.
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You got to the point where you feel really good about paying taxes??? WHa??? I advise some extensive therapy.
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I think I started liking taxes to spite the Tea Party. Same reason I switched to Democrat in 2004 to spite George Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. I’m convinced that all of these things really hurt them. As in, “Who is this Angie Z. and what can we do to make her like us?”
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