I wrote this piece last year and WordPress was kind enough to Freshly Press it. Despite the publicity, Washington never called about implementing these great ideas.
If you’re chummy with any of our elected officials, pass this on, OK?
If you do the crime, you pay the fine.
What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to be paying more taxes.
Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses them to change our behavior. We are encouraged to do some things (buy houses and windmills) and not do others (smoke, drink and drive cars).
I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea. It will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path.
Here’s a partial list of my proposed taxes:
Individuals
- Me No Like-y Tax: Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed. Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon.
- Scanties Tax: This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low. It is waived if the person is a professional underwear model. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (butt-crack cleavage).
- Tortoise Tax: This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit. Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.
Businesses
- Murdering the King’s English Tax: Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language. This will be levied for:
- Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
- Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
- Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
- Nobody’s Home Tax: Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human. The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.” Nobody is looking anything up. Don’t you think we get that this is a computer?
- Green Is The Color Of Money Tax: Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon. A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without having to do any heavy lifting.
I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later. I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.
I welcome constructive input, that is. Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me. To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax.
That will be 10 cents each, please.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
And the Green Taxes could actually go to help environmental initiatives 🙂
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Poetic justice – good idea!
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I can see why this was Freshly Pressed. You have ideas here that would simplify the tax code and make it fun to understand! 🙂
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People would be signing up all over to become IRS agents!
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I remember this! Me likey. (I think I remember…why was it taken down? that is so weird)
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My theory is this; This was FPd in the category “Taxes” instead of “Humor”. My picture is vertical, and the FP picture format is horizontal so they only showed the top part. So I’m in the “taxes” category, with the funny part of the picture chopped off, and a title they don’t know is tongue-in-cheek, “We Need More Taxes.” At first glance it looked like some dry, economics thesis. It got way less hits than other times FPd. WP probably looked at the stats and thought they’d picked a dog by mistake.
Obviously, I’ve spent WAY too much time thinking about this.
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Makes perfect sense. Still, their loss, it was worthy!
My funny Halloween post was FP for technology, because everyone knows I’m such a tech geek. Come to think of it, none of my other posts were FP for ‘humor’…I guess I’m just not funny enough.
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I can’t get over the way you casualy mentioned ‘other times FPd’.
Is there a jealousy tax over here?
Eh. It’s okay. I’m over it, already.
But only because you deserve it, Peg.
🙂
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Oh,…er…hope that didn’t sound like I HOPE that didn’t sound. If you get my drift, Mr. SIG.
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In addition to the tax, can we also have some jail time for the “okay, let me look that up for you” recordings? Please?
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Yes. How about firing squads for truly heinous incidents of this? You can be in charge.
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Awesome – I’m on it!
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hee hee I love this post! Although it reminded me of the time not too long ago when they left up the same posts for like 2 weeks, and all those people got to be on the home page for ages. The injustice!!! I think they owe it to you to put this up for at least 3 weeks.
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I remember! If there WAS a jealousy tax, I would have owed a fortune for those 2 weeks.
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I completely agree. Only this morning I was trying to figure out the penalty for the person driving 40 in the passing lane in a 50 zone next to a similar slow poke, hogging up both lanes and causing a long trail of ticked off folks. It happened, of course, WHILE I WAS LATE FOR WORK. Ten cents, though? Not nearly enough. $10 K!
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My, you must have been REALLY late for work.
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Um… yes. I vote Peg for President. Or Congress. Whichever is more effective. Or… less ineffective. Or something.
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As soon as I get into office, I’m sure to become part of the problem.
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I want one for the people who are blocking the entire drive through coffee place line. They ALWAYS make me late for work 😦
OH! And the folks that have decided that 8am is just the time to drive a wide load truck on the main artery through a town. They always go 20 miles an hour, and they take up the whole road.
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There are SO many possible driving infractions, we need a whole, separate enforcement squad for those. I’m appointing you as head enforcer, Charleen – go get ’em!
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Excellent self-control. That could have gone on for another 10 pages, easily.
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Ain’t THAT the truth. Don’t know why the IRS doesn’t get creative with this stuff.
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ummm…because they’re mindless automatons working in gloomy government catacombs while they count down the days till retirement and/or death…or maybe not
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I think I remember this post too — congratulations on the shortest FP in history! 🙂 Maybe you can win an award just for that. And I am with you on the “K” for “C” thing. Drives me krazy.
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I agree kompletely!
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Um, will we be taxed for hitting the “Like” button? I’m konfused! 🙂
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No, it’s fine to “like” something as in “prefer or esteem”. You just can’t “like” to fill air time in conversation – kapiche?
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Got it. 🙂
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Like, that’s so totally not fair! Like, totally.
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What a great FP! Can we create a tax for the overpaid coworkers that do no work, while us underpaid unappreciated employees bust our ass? I think the tax should get divided out to the underpaid.. Sound good?
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That sounds GREAT! But I’m afraid you’re not going to win any popularity contests around the office when you try to collect the tax from the guilty. Just a heads-up.
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You have to add one more item to the tax list: The Abused Apostrophe tax: a fine on all writers, bloggers, corporate ads, newspaper columns, etc (basically anything in print) that puts an apostrophe where it doesn’t belong; like when pluralizing a word. (“We visited the Walker’s and petted their dog’s.”) Gggrrrrrrr! One dollar per infraction!
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