Curse you young driver!
It used to be funny to make cracks about women drivers. Now we know that such comments are sexist and demeaning. Besides, gender has nothing to do with driving ability. All the truly bad drivers are either really old or really young.
The other night I was trapped behind a slow-moving car as I exited the long driveway at the YMCA. Instead of going 30 mph and slamming on the brakes at the speed bumps like you’re supposed to do, the driver was going a steady 5 mph. This moron was stealing a never-to-be-reclaimed 15 seconds from my life! Naturally I wanted to determine if the offending driver was really old or really young.
Really old people drive very slowly. Their reflexes are so bad that by the time they notice a squirrel in the road the poor thing is pudding. They also have a lousy attitude that goes something along the lines of,
“I’m really old. I fought for my country in the Boer War. I’ll do what I damn well please and if you don’t like it, you can just eat squirrel pudding.”
Really young people drive very fast. They have great reflexes, but no judgment as evidenced by the fact that the Twilight Saga is the biggest thing since the Beatles. But the worst problem with really young drivers is that they are always texting. It doesn’t matter if they are going 80 mph on the freeway. Their eyes are firmly fixed on the vitally important message about I Can Has Cheezburger LOLCats that has just come over their phones. They also have a lousy attitude that goes something along the lines of,
“I’m really young and really hot. People over 30 don’t matter because they have wrinkles and hairs growing in weird places and that is just so…omg ROTFLMAO ^_^ LOLCats R 2G2B4G!!!”
Here are some more handy clues to help you classify bad drivers:
Model of Car is:
1) Hyundai Accent: Really young and texting
2) Chevy Impala: Really old. But this is a tricky one. It could also be a really young person borrowing his parents’ car (while still texting) because his Hyundai is out of gas.
Car is jerking because:
1) Bass control and volume on stereo turned up to punctured-ear-drum level: Really young and texting obscenely worded description of the crap (if you can call it) music blasting out of his car so loudly that none of the decent folk within a 5 block radius can avoid it.
2) Left the parking brake on: Really old.
Color of car is:
1) Candy Apple Red: Really young and texting
2) Milky Pearl of Magnesia: Really old
Bumper sticker says:
1) I Like Ike: Really old
2) What bumper?: Really young and texting
Headgear is:
1) Cap with picture of adorable cartoon character performing a lewd act: Really young and texting
2) Plastic rain bonnet or faux-fur hat like they wore in Dr. Zhivago: Really old
Driver is talking:
1) This is a toss-up. Most very young people don’t realize that their cell phones can actually be used for telephone calls. They might be chatting to a passenger or singing along with the soul-destroying filth blaring from their car stereo.
2) Very old people don’t talk on cell phones either, because if they got along without those new-fangled contraptions for the last 80 years, they don’t need ‘em now. But the very old driver could be giving a long-winded diatribe explaining what everyone else on the road is doing wrong, and why THIS bunch in Washington is the worst ever, and if we just had Herbert Hoover back again…The presence or absence of a passenger doesn’t really matter.
I hope these hints come in handy the next time some dip-wad cuts you off in traffic. When you shake your fist at them and bellow, “Damn _____ ______ idiots! You people shouldn’t be allowed on the road!” you’ll be able to fill in the blanks quickly and accurately.
*Some might say that my comments are evidence of ageism. To those I respond, “Isn’t it just like a really old (or really young and texting) person to pull the ageism card?”
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I’ve found that the inability to use the turn signal runs across all ages. How nice that some things defy ageism!
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Few things will get my panties in a bunch faster than someone not using their turn signals. I’m in favor of vigilante law against rude drivers, and I’m leading the posse.
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I spend 98% of my swearing time (considerable these days) behind the wheel. The other 2% is spent swearing because I can’t find my car keys (they are clutched in my hand).
I live in Florida. There are more old drivers than I care to shake my cane at. And plenty of texting younsters as well. The mix of blinding sunlight, 20 mph oldsters (leaning forward with the steering wheel in a death grip) and 80 mph younsters who are nearly lying flat on their backs their seats are so reclined – music blaring/texting or diesel spewing, gun rack laden big-ass trucks/SUVs on my painful commute has forced me to learn some new and interesting curse words…hmmmm. Might be fodder for a long-overdue post.
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Sound like pretty funny fodder. In a “you gotta laugh or else you’ll cry” kind of way. I can’t believe how foul-mouthed I’ve become in the car. Send me some of your interesting curse words – I need some new material.
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I would send you my list of newly-created and highly descriptive curse words, but you would either think a whole lot less of me or you would be in awe of my swearing prowess. I’m not sure which, but either way you will have to create your own!! I am sure you are up to the task.
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I could never think less of you! Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound right…
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Just as I suspected! Don’t worry, you are in good company, there are a great many people who could not think less of me, even if they tried.
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Ford Focus drivers around here stink. Or the car just can’t accelerate at all.
Soooo…Who’s Ike? Ike as in President Eisenhower?
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Yes. The fact that you had to ask means you’re really young. Please stop texting when driving.
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My 88 year old mother is the one talking. She likes to read out loud all the signs, markers, and billboards (she may have to slow down to do so). We beg the Dr to say she cannot drive anymore but alas, she’s old enough to do what she damn well pleases. Great, fun read –
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Oh no! I remember a movie with Billy Crystal and Debra Winger (but can’t remember the name, of course) and her old dad would do that whenever they were in the car. The look on Billy Crystal’s face was priceless! Now I’m so sensitive to that, it’s like nails on chalkboard.
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I hate it when that happens. You wonder if that slow moving vehicle in front of you is looking for those speed bumps, preparing themselves for the joy of screaming weeeeeee…as they go down the other side. Sheeesh…we’re not on a roller coaster inching slowly up a hill…and no, I’m not wishing the ride would never end.
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What’s wrong with drivers that they DON’T want to experience the thrilling ride of taking speed bumps at full speed? Jeesh – live a little!
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I also believe that as the Blue Book value of the car increases, the probability that the driver is driving poorly to draw attention to the fact that he – my theory mostly holds true in the case of men – owns a very expensive car and, in turn, the road, increases.
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Could be. Could also be that by the time you can afford that high Blue Book car because your kids are grown and your house is all paid off and you’re getting more than starting salary…you’ve turned into really old.
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Ah HA! I may have to re-examine my theory after I check out this text…OMG that cat is funny! MMMmmm…Cheezburgers.
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LOL! I’ve had trouble categorizing the lunatics on the road that are constantly trying to cut me off, so I really appreciate this. I do wonder if there should be a special new category, though, just for drivers in Jersey. Their disregard for other drivers seems to transcend age, from what I can tell.
Oh and hurrumph. My beloved Twilight always getting the stick shift. 😉
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It’s important to hurl the RIGHT offensive generalization when you’re screaming at the other driver.
Sorry about the Twilight thing – it’s just so easy nowadays. I know I should work harder for it, rather than going for the easy joke. I’m so ashamed.
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When I get so old that you need to take away my keys, I’m okay with that, but please don’t ever make me wear one of those plastic rain bonnets!
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The problem with statements like that, Lisa, is one day (soon, because, well, now you’re kinda old as a result of a recent birthday) you are going to be out and about and it will be windy and you’ll find yourself at the drugstore and you’ll see those rain bonnets for sale near the register and it will occur to you, “that would be kind of handy to keep my boufant from blowing all over.”
That’s how old age sneaks up on us. Just warning you.
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I think I’d rather shave my head.
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Not many people can carry off that look, but I’m sure you would rock it.
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You say the sweetest things : )
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All very insightful tips, Pegolicious. But where does this leave me? I once drove down the highway 70mph with my parking brake on (I was 18 at the time) reached home in time to see black smoke and flames coming out the back. I also hit a moose once in my twenties. Did I start out very old, but now I’m getting younger? Like Brad Pitt in that crazy movie? What’s next for me, texting? oh god help me!
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No, there is a third category, which would be people who are just bad drivers because they’re bad drivers. Sorry – I should have clarified that.
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Yah. But I’m an excellent driver. Yah. Excellent driver. (in my best Rainman voice)
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I would say that you sound EXACTLY like the Rainman, but I’m not sure you would see that as a compliment.
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Oh, I so want to share my response. But it is so politically incorrec that I am certain that I would be eternally banned from WordPress. Thanks for venting some of my feelings, Pegoleg.
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I see what is in your heart and share your feelings. It’s a gift I have.
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Now how do you know my dad??? At the age of 83, an unscrupulous car dealer talked my really smart, still-has-all-his-marbles dad into a new Chevy Impala – knowing full well that his 2-year-old model would outlast both he and my mom. At least the folks made sure that dealer transferred the cassette player into their new Impala.
You might think about adding the appropriate old-male-driver headwear to the list: WWII cap. Navy man, served in the Merchant Marine as 1st Class radioman, circled the globe two times.
Loving my old driver folks and harrassing my texting-obsessed niece & nephews to the best of my abilities!
~Janet
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I know what you mean about the new car, but maybe it makes him feel “in the game” to get the latest model. Keep up with the text-nagging – it’s our duty to the youth of the world!
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Funny post. But what about the oldsters that drive fast? I think that’s worse than driving slow. My father will soon be 92 and is still allowed on the road. He thinks all the other people are horrible drivers.
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I hear you. My dad has developed a lead foot in the last couple of years. He seems to be living out some old drag-racer fantasy with his jack-rabbit starts and speed-demon ways. My mom, on the other hand, has the world’s most highly developed startle reflex. So he’s always jumping on the gas and she’s throwing her hands up to ward off the car in front of them – they get a hell of a workout, I tell you!
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Tee hee….you hit it, Peg! Love the car dynamic Mom and Dad share since she can’t drive anymore. I remember fondly the drive down to FL two years ago. 🙂
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Jeez, Tar, it’s even worse now. Mom’s getting a great upper-body workout she’s throwing her hands up so much! And frankly, I don’t blame her. When I was with them a couple of weeks ago, I was sucking all the air out of the car from the back seat every time Mario Andretti floored it.
Just talked to Carolyn. She’s on the way to the airport to go down to Charleston and help them drive back up north. It will be nice to have the Rockports back nearby again, won’t it? I worry about them in Florida on their own.
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Just be thankful you don’t live around here. http://thecvillean.wordpress.com/2010/08/21/my-darn-car-its-always-on-the-blink/.
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Al, your post taught me a lot. We never know what infirmity that other driver is struggling with – what’s the matter with a little kindness? How about a little compassion? Thanks for the wake-up call, my friend – I really needed it.
(Exactly where and when will you be on the roads? I’ll want to make sure I’m elsewhere at that time.)
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You know me, Peg. Just trying to change the world, one blogger at a time.
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So many comments and thoughts swirling around my head. I best leave it as … you said it! Preach Peg. Preach.
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Is it wrong to feel this way? Probably….but I don’t care.
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Hahaha…
but I have to turn my crap up, Peg… I can’t hear it otherwise!
Have you seen my miracle ear laying around anywhere?
🙂
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At one end of the spectrum we have the drivers who turn their crap up in order to hear it. On the other end, we have the drivers who are losing their hearing because of turning their crap up. It’s a dilemma.
Check with Al (thecvillian) above about the hearing aid – he has spares.
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Hilarious. But sometimes i appreciate a bad driver if they cause me to curse and holler at them b/c it gets my bad energy and frustrations out for the day! Like a nice purge at 60mph.
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Way to look on the bright side! I used to be an optimist, too, but that approach never works for me.
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Hilarious because it’s true!
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We have to call them the way we see them, right?
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Great post! I love that the old guy you quoted fought in the Boer war. And I love the “what bumper” part. I’d add to this, in the backseat of the old person’s car you can always spot floral throw pillows and a box of kleenex. That kills me!
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Ha ha! Can you believe those old people and their floral throw pillows and boxes of Kleenex? SO typical of really ,really old people (sneaking out to my car to remove all trace of chintz and tissues).
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Excellent! And my father (god bless his soul) regarded every intersection as a stop sign. He yielded the right of way on EVERY corner, even if he was the only one on the road. But whereas my father saw stop signs where there were none, young people do not recognize a stop sign (unless it comes in on a text).
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I know it’s safer to stop at every corner, but that approach can also be hazardous to someone’s health. Mine. Because my blood pressure goes through the roof when I am behind that person (but not your dad, bless his soul.)
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Your most perfect line ever: They have great reflexes, but no judgment as evidenced by the fact that the Twilight Saga is the biggest thing since the Beatles.
We were smarter even when we were young!
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Sometimes I worry that I’m not really being fair by blasting Twilight when I’ve never seen it. Then I think…naaah! It’s ok.
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Oh, it’s definitely ok. I haven’t seen it either and I feel free to blast it. Real men don’t sparkle.
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Tee hee …. Me too 🙂
There, I’ve outed myself – oh, the shame…
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It’s probably like heroin – wiser to condemn it for the known evils without ever trying it, hmm?
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Once again, you made me laugh out loud (hint: really old because I spelled that out)! Great post! 🙂
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Thank you, Lorna. When I see LOL I think of someone lolling about, and that’s just plain lazy and unproductive, and that ticks me off, too.
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Hmmmmm, me deduces that Pegoleg-alapalooza had a bad driving day??? Maybe on the drive home Monday? The texting thing is a BIG worry in young people. Yikes.
Great seeing you and your lovely girls Sunday. It was grand!
Smooches 🙂
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Nah, just the daily frustration of driving. If I lived in a big city I’d either be in a straight jacket or have my picture splashed all over the front page of the paper “Insurance Agent Snaps; Turns Rav4 Into Revenge Machine of Death.”
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There’s an old joke that says that most accidents are caused by drivers under 17 going over 80 or drivers over 80 going under 17. I tend to agree with George Carlin, who said that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac.
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Both jokes are so, so profoundly true.
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I didn’t even make it to the end of this post before I had to share it. That Twilight/Beatles line had me in stitches. And then? THEN IT JUST GOT BETTER.
I am still guffawing and probably unnerving my fellow Barnes & Noble cafe patrons.
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Barnes & Noble cafe patrons are a hearty breed, don’t worry, Deb. Good luck today in Chicago for the St. Baldrick’s fundraiser – I’m so proud of you!
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Oh my goodness, this whole post, comments, and all, were so funny that I was actually LAUGHING OUT LOUD (something I try not to do too often for fear that those around me will start calling in the men in the white coats to drag me away). All of your points are so true, and I suffer through them on a daily basis. It’s exactly the same here in SA (with the added “fun” bonus of the taxis, which is not an actual taxi that you would get over there, but which I can’t explain as it would either lose something in the translation, or I would really offend a hell of a lot of people; it’s something you need to experience for yourself).
However, I am a true “Twiharder”, have seen all the movies, read all the books, and bought my own copies of both (yes, all four books and four movies), and will never part with them. In fact, I’ve got the soundtracks to the first three movies too. But, because this post was so funny, I will not hold the anti-Twilight campaign against you. Please, please, please carry on blogging. This was brilliant.
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Thanks so much! And thanks for not holding my anti-Twilight jibe against me. Something doesn’t need to be high art to be fun and entertaining, right?
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Absolutely! 🙂 And I think there’s something primitively attractive about the idea of a young adolescent, out-of-sync girl, finding her soul mate, and then doing her utmost to never lose him. It speaks to the inner adolescent in all of us. Well, it does for me, anyway. 🙂
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Nearly spat food at the screen when I read about the Boer War. I wholeheartedly concur with what you’ve said, and will attempt to refrain from adding to your opinions. I always find myself looking into drivers’ windows to see what Bad Drivers look like. “ohhh… so it’s THAT kind of person!”
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I actually came alongside a Bad Driver the other day and did NOT look into the drivers’ window. It was so, so hard not to throw the guy a dirty look, which is my usual MO, but I was feeling virtuous and decided not to give him the visual butt-whuppin he so richly deserved.
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I’m not very happy with young Drivers right now! Our new teenage neighbor across the street decided to back his SUV into our new car owned for less than 4 days.. His mother apologized and said she would take care of the damage but do you think her son could open his mouth and say sorry. No. Don’t parents teach manners anymore?
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Your car was 4 days old???? I’d go ballistic! You have such a good point. The main problem with young drivers is they don’t have any manners. Old drivers have forgotten theirs, or think they no longer apply when you’re old. Jeesh.
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Yes, only 4 days old! So sad. Manners have gone completely out the window for the general population.
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You know how I recognize a bad driver? They aren’t me!
Whenever my grandfather bought a new car, he would have the dealership take out the radio. He thought it was a dangerous distraction and didn’t know why cars had them. He died before cell phones were invented. Probably a good thing, cause seeing people talk on them and drive would have killed him.
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You know, yesterday on my way to the library I narrowly missed being T-boned by a young woman talking on her cell phone. I was stopped at a stoplight and when the light turned green instead of pulling out I looked again (I don’t know something just told me to wait), And if you are the idiot behind me who blared your horn because I didn’t move fast enough for you – UP YOURS). She blew through the red light at about 40 mph. She never even touched her brakes.
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And she will never know how close she came to a potentially fatal accident. Your moment of hesitation saved you both. So scary.
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You’re right, Amy, she will never know how close she came. I don’t know how many times I’ve been cut off by someone on their cell, and they are clueless. I must admit that this particular behaviour is not defined by age. Many drivers in the ability sweet-spot (30s-60s) are guilty of this.
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Sorry Katy. I was just tooting hello.
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Peg, that was you? I didn’t recognize you, what with that cigarette dangling from your lips. When did you get that tattoo on your neck? In my rear-view mirror it looked kind of like a marijuana leaf, but could have been a tomato plant, I guess. I was so traumatized from my near-death experience that I somehow forgot to return your one-fingered wave. Do forgive me.
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Don’t be a hater, Katy.
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Sorry, still suffering from PTSD.
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You want a swig of this HaterAde?
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Now THAT’s a beverage that would sell – you should patent it!
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Your grandpa was probably right.
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Great post as always. I LOVED the comments about mom and dad’s driving gymnastics! So true and funny when reading about it but NOT so funny when you are in the car with them!
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Ain’t THAT the truth?
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LMAO!!!!! Really, really, really, really, funny!!! Loved it!
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Aw, thanks! Hope all your driving adventures are free of old drivers (and young ones.)
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So that was YOU behind me, you little whippersnapper.
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