It used to be funny to make cracks about women drivers. Now we know that such comments are sexist and demeaning. Besides, gender has nothing to do with driving ability. All the truly bad drivers are either really old or really young.
The other night I was trapped behind a slow-moving car as I exited the long driveway at the YMCA. Instead of going 30 mph and slamming on the brakes at the speed bumps like you’re supposed to do, the driver was going a steady 5 mph. This moron was stealing a never-to-be-reclaimed 15 seconds from my life! Naturally I wanted to determine if the offending driver was really old or really young.
Really old people drive very slowly. Their reflexes are so bad that by the time they notice a squirrel in the road the poor thing is pudding. They also have a lousy attitude that goes something along the lines of,
“I’m really old. I fought for my country in the Boer War. I’ll do what I damn well please and if you don’t like it, you can just eat squirrel pudding.”
Really young people drive very fast. They have great reflexes, but no judgment as evidenced by the fact that the Twilight Saga is the biggest thing since the Beatles. But the worst problem with really young drivers is that they are always texting. It doesn’t matter if they are going 80 mph on the freeway. Their eyes are firmly fixed on the vitally important message about I Can Has Cheezburger LOLCats that has just come over their phones. They also have a lousy attitude that goes something along the lines of,
“I’m really young and really hot. People over 30 don’t matter because they have wrinkles and hairs growing in weird places and that is just so…omg ROTFLMAO ^_^ LOLCats R 2G2B4G!!!”
Here are some more handy clues to help you classify bad drivers:
Model of Car is:
1) Hyundai Accent: Really young and texting
2) Chevy Impala: Really old. But this is a tricky one. It could also be a really young person borrowing his parents’ car (while still texting) because his Hyundai is out of gas.
Car is jerking because:
1) Bass control and volume on stereo turned up to punctured-ear-drum level: Really young and texting obscenely worded description of the crap (if you can call it) music blasting out of his car so loudly that none of the decent folk within a 5 block radius can avoid it.
2) Left the parking brake on: Really old.
Color of car is:
1) Candy Apple Red: Really young and texting
2) Milky Pearl of Magnesia: Really old
Bumper sticker says:
1) I Like Ike: Really old
2) What bumper?: Really young and texting
1) Cap with picture of adorable cartoon character performing a lewd act: Really young and texting
2) Plastic rain bonnet or faux-fur hat like they wore in Dr. Zhivago: Really old
Driver is talking:
1) This is a toss-up. Most very young people don’t realize that their cell phones can actually be used for telephone calls. They might be chatting to a passenger or singing along with the soul-destroying filth blaring from their car stereo.
2) Very old people don’t talk on cell phones either, because if they got along without those new-fangled contraptions for the last 80 years, they don’t need ‘em now. But the very old driver could be giving a long-winded diatribe explaining what everyone else on the road is doing wrong, and why THIS bunch in Washington is the worst ever, and if we just had Herbert Hoover back again…The presence or absence of a passenger doesn’t really matter.
I hope these hints come in handy the next time some dip-wad cuts you off in traffic. When you shake your fist at them and bellow, “Damn _____ ______ idiots! You people shouldn’t be allowed on the road!” you’ll be able to fill in the blanks quickly and accurately.
*Some might say that my comments are evidence of ageism. To those I respond, “Isn’t it just like a really old (or really young and texting) person to pull the ageism card?”