2011 was not a good year for us, financially.   I know we’re not alone.

Our stock funds went down the toilet, our house is worth less than we owe on it and the bank now sends me a statement each month demanding that I pay THEM for holding onto my savings.  The only bright spot in this financial gloom-fest is that our bonds are still holding their own.  I don’t think two, $25 savings bonds are going to take us far in retirement, however.

I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of other investment options like:

• Gold – those serious guys in the suits on TV look trustworthy
• A time-share in Branson, Missouri – with entertainment like The Baldknobbers on tap, I’m pretty sure this will hold it’s value
• First National Bank of Serta – at least I won’t lose money if it’s stuffed in my mattress.

Yup, things were looking pretty grim for the Peg-o-leg family, but then my prayers were answered.  Four fabulous investment opportunities rained down on me, just like manna from heaven (which I understand is the edible equivalent of big flakes of dandruff. I always got sidetracked from the important message of that Bible passage when I was a kid; because the thought of eating dandruff made me want to barf).

These opportunities showed up right in my inbox.  My spam inbox, to be precise.

I can’t decide which one to go with, so I’d appreciate any advice.  These are kind of long, but I reproduced the entire emails in case you want to read all the details.  I’ve highlighted what I think are the important parts.

1) Dear Friend,

I find it pleasurable to request your partnership in business; I want to solicit your assistance and honesty to receive money on my behalf. The reason am contacting you is because my status would not permit me to do this alone.

I will send you the full details and more information about myself and the funds. If  interested, please reply through my alternate Email:xxxxxx
Sincerely Yours
George

Details of my proposal,

I am Timothy F. George, Director for Credit & Marketing, Chong Hing Bank Hong Kong,  Chong Hing Bank Centre, 24 Des Voeux RoadCentral, Hong Kong. I handle all our Investor’s Direct Capital Funds and secretly extract 1.2% Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) per annum on each of the Investor’s Capital Funds. As an expert, I have made $98.6Million over time from Investor’s EMRCP and hereby looking for someone to trust who will stand as an Investor to receive the funds as Tenure Investment Proceeds.

Brief history of funds: I have more than 208 Corporate Investors attached to my portfolio whose Capital Investment Funds are being managed and administered by me. This Capital Investment Funds has a value of over US$19.2Billion net. The US$19.2B is been used for trading in Stock Market, Crude Oil and Lending with Profit Returns. Every end of year, each corporate investor is expected to receive interest from his total Investment Capital Funds. However, I make an excess of 1.2% from the Investor’s Investment Capital Funds annually which have exceeded our targeted 20% of TotalInvestment Capital Funds. This extra of 1.2% from the 21.2% is been retained by me as my personal profits for managing the Capital Investment. However, I cannot claim these funds without presenting someone to stand as an Investor otherwise our establishment will convert the funds into the company’s treasury. This is why I have come to you for the deal to take place.

This is a fair deal without any risk attached either on your part or on my part as long as we comply with the laws governing the claiming of funds in our establishment. I do not want you to come down to sign the Investor’s Funds Release Order because you cannot defend the source of the funds during the signing as our remittance department may decide to ask you some salient questions which you may not answer correctly thereby jeopardizing the transaction. Therefore you will inform our establishment that you will not be able to come down for the signing. I will work with an attorney to perfect all arrangements in your favour and the funds will be paid to you for our own use.

Please if you are interested to continue with this project, I demand you to get back to me so as we can proceed towards the positivity of this project through my direct email:

Sincerely yours
Timothy F. George

2) Dear Beloved,

Let me first introduce myself to you, I am a citizen of Sudan but currently staying in Burkina Faso. My name is Miss Mariam Justin Yak, 24years old originated from Sudan. I got your E-mail address/profile through my internet search from your country national chamber of commerce when I was searching for a good and trust worthy person who will be my friend and I believe that it is better we get to know each other better and trust each other because I believe any good relationship will only last if it is built on truth and real love.

My father Dr. Justin Yak Arop was the former Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Salva Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Dr. Justin Yak and my mother including other top Military officers and top government officials had been on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008. You can read more about the crash through the below site: xxxxxxx 

After the burial of my father, my uncles conspired and sold my father’s properties to a Chinese Expatriate and live nothing for me.

On a faithful morning, I opened my father’s briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself.

On my arrival, the Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my father’s instruction to the bank was the money is release to me only when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me.

More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle has threatened to assassinate me. The amount is $8.4 Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso. You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies.

It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to yourself.

Sincerely yours,

Miss Mariam Justin Yak

3) Dear Selected Winner 

This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of £800,000 (Eight Hundred Thousand (British Pounds) in the first category of the year 2012 UNITED KINGDOM NATIONAL LOTTERY programs. The online cyber lotto draws was conducted from an exclusive list of 250,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet, no tickets were sold.
After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail address emerged as one of the two winners in the category \”D\” with the following winning information:

REF No: UK/9876125
BATCH No: 2012MJL-01
TICKET No: 20511465463-7644

Contact our fiduciary agent for claims with:
Agents Name:Mr.Andrew Morgan
Email:xxxxx
Telephone:+44 702 4089 405
Fill the below:
1. Full Names:
2. Address:
3. Marital Status:
4. Occupation:
5. Age:
6. Sex:
7. Nationality:
8. Country of Residence:
9. Telephone Number:

4) HI, I want you to keep this transaction secret. I am a Banker at National Commercial Bank Libyan, My name is Ismail Ibrahim Faraj, I want us to collect US$ 9,370,000.00 belonging to late: SAIF AL-ARAB GADDAFI, See more here: xxxxxx  which he deposed in our Bank before he died. Reply me for more information how we can work together. sorry for my Bad english.

I jotted down some impressions of these offers:

1)      Dear Friend: What really impresses me about Mr. George is that he’s obviously a high-powered financier.  He stresses several times how he picked me for my honesty.  That really makes me feel like I can trust him.  I’m not sure what he meant that he “secretly extracted” the money, but it’s probably a banking term.  The closing demand, is a little abrupt for my tastes.  But I like the way “proceed towards the positivity” rolls off the tongue.

2)      Dear Beloved:  Miss Yak has such a sad and moving story about how her parents died.  Now her uncles are trying to rip her off or maybe even kill her – it’s like a soap opera!  She’s looking for a new family and a fresh start here in The Land Of Opportunity for herself and her $8.4 million.  It’s more about love than money, really.

3)      Dear Selected Winner:  I don’t remember entering this contest, but you know how bad my memory is getting.  This seems like a no-brainer.  All I have to do is provide a little information, like my social security number, bank account and PIN numbers, and they’ll send me 800,000 pounds!   That’s not the same as American dollars, but it’s still probably a lot of money, right?

4)      No Salutation:  It’s kind of rude not to have a salutation.  In fact, the whole tone of this email is rather disturbing.  I think he means he has Muammar Gaddafi’s money.  He was a really bad man, so maybe it’s ok to take this – after all, he’s not going to need it.  But I still can’t help feeling that it’s stealing.  What to do, what to do?

I’ve received a couple dozen more such offers since these 4 emails showed up a few weeks ago.  I seem to be on some sort of list of trustworthy investors.  (Note to self: call my Internet Service Provider to find out why all of these emails ended up in my spam folder.) 

Hobos used to roam from town to town in the USA during The Great Depression.  When they found a place that would give them a meal or a place to stay, they put a mark that looked like a cat on the side of the house.  This told other hobos “A kind lady lives here”.

I like to think the cyber community has put a little drawing of a kitty cat on my email inbox, which shows that I am an investor who can be trusted.  That means a lot to me. 

That’s just what Alpha Isoko said when he contacted me from the Bank of West Africa.  He  needed to move $5.5 million from an account in his bank to the US.  It’s not stealing because the depositor and everyone in his entire family died in the same plane crash (how sad!)   I sent $2,000 to get the paperwork going and, in return, I’ll get 40% of the fortune. 

I should hear from Mr. Isoko any day now.  Then all my money worries will be over!  I must ask my new friend if he knows Miss Yak or Mr. George.

HEY!  This is me bugging you about the writing competition once more.  Look up top, look to the right, look down below…look anywhere on the blog for details and to read the entries so far.  You’ve only got til Friday to submit the next, Pulitzer-winning entry.