Does this sound familiar?
“Ow, I broke my leg, I need a doctor!”
or
“I think I’m having a stroke. I’d better get to the hospital!”
or
“There’s an ice-pick sticking out of my eye – somebody call an ambulance!”
Doctors? Ambulances? Hospitals? Sounds to me like the anthem for America’s independence going down the drain.
The problem with healthcare in America is not insurance companies. It’s not doctors or hospitals. It’s not even the government sticking (or not sticking) its collective nose into our healthcare business.
The problem with healthcare is that Americans have lost the can-do, self-reliant attitude that made our country great. No wonder we’re drowning in medical bills. We’ve turned into a nation of weenies!
“What else can I do?” you may ask. I’m glad you asked.
Reclaim your self-reliance with MedicZoom from Peg-Co, the ultimate source for do-it-yourself healthcare!
Your subscription to MedicZoom gives you 24/7 access to our online, state-of-the-art self-diagnosis tool. Answer a simple series of specially designed yes/no questions and make your way through the patented MedicZoom Diagnostic Decision Tree. It’s just that easy!
Here’s an example:
With just 3, short questions, the patented MedicZoom Diagnostic Decision Tree has you well on the way to figuring out what’s wrong. Wow!
Subjects experienced an 82% success rate for correct diagnoses in marketing trials. * I’d like to see any doctor match that!
The OR Simulator will have you ready to cut in no time!
Once you’ve pinpointed your problem area, you’re ready for treatment. If surgery is indicated – no worries! As soon as you enroll, we’ll rush your Official Welcome Kit. One of its key components is the revolutionary Operating Room Simulator. This highly technical, state-of-the-art piece of machinery will guide you through the safe removal of most common, diseased body parts.
We recommend that you do a couple of practice runs before the actual operation. The OR Simulator’s harsh buzzer and flashing lights will go off if you get too near a vital body part (say, a major artery). This really reinforces your training. You’ll feel prepared to tackle the real thing in a jiffy!
A starter pack of 5 syringes is included in your Welcome Kit so you can administer the local anesthetic recommended for most procedures. If general anesthesia is indicated, MedicZoom suggests teaming up with a Surgery Buddy.
And after surgery? Your recovery is sure to be smooth and pain-free when you use your pre-signed pad of 25 prescriptions to score some Percocet. A quick check of the MedicZoom.com Online Pharmacy Reference Library tells you what you need to prescribe just the right pill to fix yourself up. After all, who knows you better than you? (Important note: anyone prescribing pain narcotics for themselves must solemnly promise that they do NOT have a substance abuse problem, and do not intend the narcotics for resale.)
Don’t delay – act now to make MedicZoom your partner for do-it-yourself healthcare. Because when it’s time to take out a wrenched ankle, you don’t need some doctor taking out your wallet as well.
Operators are standing by!
*Any advice given by MedicZoom is more in the nature of a semi-informed opinion, and is not intended as medical advice. Patients/consumers make their own decisions as to diagnoses and treatment. Statements given here have not been evaluated for accuracy. Resultant incidents of cuts, contusions, boo-boos or deadness are not the responsibility of MedicZoom, Peg-O-Leg Industries or Peg-Co.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
This is crazy-funny . . . whew!
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Thanks! I’m still mad at you, though, because I made such an abysmal showing in your superhero competition. No fair letting the other contestants enter stuff that was cute, clever and touching!
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My dad insisted Syrup of Figs was the cure for everything and he’s never ill. I think a shot of spririts does the trick though
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I never heard of Syrup of Figs – is it alcohol? If so, I’m with Dad.
Joe, I think I see a hint of a powder-blue bridesmaid dress peaking out from under your bathrobe. You can’t wear that anymore, now that you’re a GG Caption Contest God!
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It was medicinal, I don’t think there was much alochol in it as he forced it down our throats growing up. actually, that could explain a lot.
Well, normal service is resumed now, I didn’t come close this week, the entries are just too good.
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My dad used to tell us to just slap a washcloth on everything from a cut to a compound fracture. We had no time to be wimps back then.
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Back when men were men, and women were glad they were. With a leather strap to bite on, and a washcloth to staunch the bleeding, anything was possible.
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Peg! I didn’t know you could make flow charts, too. Bestill my heart!!
(This might even deserve a Squeeee! And yes, please do feel free to use.)
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I’m pretty proud of that flow chart graphic right there. THanks for noticing, Jules.
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Now that’s funny!
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What do you mean, funny? This is a bonafide business!
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I think I am just going to go with the syrup of figs:)
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It sounds pretty disgusting, actually. Maybe a shot of Bailey’s would cure whatever ails us?
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It makes as much sense (well, actually more) than Obamacare, and is a bit cheaper. Actually, I’m afraid that if you are going to “play doctor” with your family, Carolyn and Social Services might have to be contacted!!!!!
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This really is an economical solution for so many Americans.
Will I see you and the young man down south this weekend?
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Yes! We’ll leave Thursday and hopefully get there by Friday eve (I have a funeral that I might need to play for Thursday 11 am, so not sure about Friday — I believe the deceased had read this blog, but I’m SURE there is no connection :). See you soon!
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Can you file a malpractice lawsuit against yourself if you botch the surgery?
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That’s Peg-Co’s next, big product – selling self-malpractice insurance!
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So, Peg, using the MedicZoom system, can I also open my own practice? I could use a few extra bucks.
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Except for the 10% commission you are required to send to Peg-Co, the coast is clear. Boy, won’t you look snappy in a white coat with one of those metal-disk headbandy things around your forehead!
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I also noticed the flow chart and how spectacular it was….between your flow chart and Jules’s slick video production, I would like to hire you both to take over my blog for a few months until summer vacation.
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Why, are you starting work?
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That OR simulator might be enough to create a few changes in my previous flow-chart answers…
let’s see… coronary falls under… probably… torso stuff…
so… page 3…
looking for page 3…
🙂
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Come on, this is easy stuff – it’s not brain surgery! Oh..well, unless it is.
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Brilliant! I’ll ask my doctor to put up a flier for your product next time I go in.
This is perfect. I self-diagnose all the time. Why not self-operate?
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Don’t forget your Surgery Buddy if you choose general anesthesia. It’s just safer that way.
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Don’t forget the blackberry brandy. It cures everything from… well it cures everything.
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I like the way you think. Barkeep, “medicine” all around!
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Don’t forget to create an App to sell! Then there is the Dr. Peg TV show. And Dr. Peg’s Perfect Purifying Potion…
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I think I need a business manager – care to volunteer for the job (key word being VOLUNTEER.)?
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Hilarious. You are always good for a laugh! (not sure if I meant that the way it sounded)
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No, it’s ok. I know what you mean. I think.
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My mom put Bag Balm on everything. I always thought it a little oogie to put stuff made for udders and cow teats on a cut. Would it make me regurgitate my supper to chew on again. Ugh. I’m using Syrup of Figs instead now.
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I worked in a drug store when I was 16 and couldn’t believe the people who bought that stuff. I think they still make it!
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I am glad you included the disclaimers because I am inclined to sue.
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See LegalZoom for that.
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Back when I was a kid we weren’t allowed to get injured so treating injuries was never an issue.
I like the flow of your flow chart. You’re taking it to the next level. I don’t want to have to compete with flow charts.
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The use of flow charts is clearly an unfair advantage in the blogging world. I do what I must.
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I don’t think I’ve ever loved your blog quite as much as I love it right now. Love. LOVE. LOVE. (You’re lucky I don’t know how to increase font size, because that would be my certain next nefarious step if I knew!)
I hope this gets Freshly Pressed. It must be enjoyed by the weenie masses! (Note, NOT the “massive weenies.”)
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I don’t know how to go bold in a comment. You have mad, mad blogging skills.
Now imagining the weenie masses with the massive weenies because you made me go there Deb.
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A reader sent me a recipe for Onion Tea this week. I’ll give it a try along with my favorite…Vicks Vapor Rub on everything.
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Do you dissolve the Vicks in the Onion Tea before you drink it?
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OK, count me in…but only as long as I can play golf every Wednesday.
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That’s THursday. The medical community golfs on THursday. Better get that straight or you’ll be alone on the links.
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I miss my Operation Game. I think if all doctors had to do was win that game, a lot less people would go to hospitals.
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Wait, isn’t that a test to graduate medical school? I always thought it was.
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I hardly ever go to the doctor…can I please get a refund for all the insurance I pay? Campho-phenique or some such thing, cures everything.
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Yes you may. Tell your insurance company I said so.
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I just found your blog today and I loved it. Very fun, while being insightful. Keep up the great work! 🙂
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Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
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Hahahahahahaha! This is brilliant!
My brother hit his foot on the diving board of our pool once. He moaned and groaned up a storm. I believe he stayed on the couch for at least two days. Finally, my parents took him to the hospital. He came out of the Xray room BEAMING – not because of the radiation, but because he could tell our parents he broke five bones in his foot.
Folks don’t buck up like they did in the old days. 🙂
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Funny how the joy of being right when his parents were wrong was enough to bring a smile to his face despite the agonizing pain!
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I’m quaking in my boots because of your mad flow-charting skillz. How can a simple girl compete?? (Do you have a self-diagnosis tool related to feeling intimidated and being unable to play in the bloggy big leagues?)
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Wow – I’ ve never been accused of having mad -any-kind-of-technical skills at anything before! Can I quote you? Like, all the time?
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I need to pay attention. I thought Dana’s comment said mad cow-charting skillz. Do you offer a vet kit?? Oh, Peg. I think you’ve fallen into the deep end of something big!
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I’m ready for most money-making schemes, Patti. Why, do you think there’s much of a market for cow-charting skills?
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I loved the Operation game! Do doctors even know that we have a wish bone, spare ribs and a writer’s cramp? There’s your healthcare problem, right there.
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