Twinkie The Kid gets it through the heart.
The food industry was shocked last week when giant Hostess Brands Inc. announced they were declaring bankruptcy.
The baker, best known for such snacks as the iconic Twinkie, seeks reorganization under Chapter 11 as it struggles to come up with enough bread to meet union obligations and service its mountain of debt, estimated at $860 million.
Hostess had previously declared bankruptcy in 2004, and just emerged from that reorganization in 2009. At that time, industry analysts had said it was dollars to Donettes that the reorganization would have any lasting effect without deep cuts in expenses, primarily crippling labor costs, which are filling the balance sheet with more red than a jelly donut. Analysts say their prior bankruptcy has led to an increased cost of borrowing, leading to more debt and creating a Sno Ball effect on company finances.
President Stan Leaven had this to say: “Our inability to raise the dough needed to service our debt forced us to take this step. The biggest problem is dealing with 12 labor unions’ constant demands for an ever-increasing piece of the pie. Trying to reason with them is as useless as Dunkin Stix in a bucket of water to start a fire. We sweetened the deal on our counter offer to their unreasonable demands, and what was their response? Ho Ho.”
That got a rise out of the head of the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM), Fred Crisco, who replied, “Instead of blaming everything on labor, President Leaven should be buttering us up. Leaven has some crust asking our members to contribute toward their own health insurance. Our salaries (excluding benefits and lifetime pension and health insurance for anyone who has ever worked here) are a modest fraction of total expenses. That’s just icing on the cake compared to management’s lavish salaries. And the 4% cost of living increase they proposed is nothing but crumbs from management’s table.”
“Trading Zingers won’t get us out of this mess.” Leaven said ryely, “It’s time for labor and management to work together or soon we’ll be out of the pan and into the fire.”
One reporter asked the union head, “Wouldn’t it be better to make modest concessions, rather than lose all these jobs when yet another American manufacturer is forced to close up shop and move overseas to stay competitive?”
Crisco replied, “Labor is what makes this company great. Instead of blaming everything on us, Leaven should work to eliminate the triple layers of management who just sponge off the company. If I brought a raw deal like what they propose to my members, it would fall flat as a pancake.”
At a follow-up question by the same reporter asking what the heck tobacco was doing in with the food industries in the BCTGM, Union boss Crisco said, “Mind your own Ps and Suzy Qs.”
Pundits agree; no matter how you slice it, with two bankruptcies in 10 years, if Hostess survives this it will be a Wonder.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Great fun! love it.
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Thanks Gwen – I had fun goofing around with this.
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I LOVE that you wrote about this! Hilarious! “Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me” on NPR said, “It’s a sad day when a company that makes food products that make you fat can’t survive right here in this country.” Or something like that.
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That DOES seem rather counter-intuitive when you look around – looks like Hostess would be doing just fine!
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Now I want a twinkie.
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Go get one – help save Hostess!
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I might have to. A last ditch show of support! Great excuse to not get in shape quite yet!
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Excuse?? Never! You’re just saving thousands of American jobs, is all.
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A puntastic summary of the on-going twinkie debacle.
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This is hard-hitting journalism right here.
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I better learn how to make Hostess SnoBalls pretty quickly. I’m devastated.
Hilarious fun, peg! Well done.
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I was going to have the president say the union leader was so cold he had Sno Balls, but I thought that was outside the bounds of good taste, don’t you think?
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I’m sure we would have eaten it up anyway, Peg 😀
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You are very punny!
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To some people that’s not a compliment, but I’ll take it as such.
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Love it! Very well done.
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THanks ever so. Raise your Ding Dong in tribute to struggling Hostess!
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Hilarious, Peg. I especially enjoyed the Twinkie illustration. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. My husband is a Twinkie fan and I think they taste terrible. But Suzy-Qs? Delish!
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I’ve never got the Twinkie thing, but I absolutely love those chocolate cupcakes (and the orange ones even more!)
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You are my hero. I love this post. We used to have a Hostess Outlet near our home with a Twinkie The Kid and another cartoon character painted on the side of the building. You would not believe how crazy people were (the outlet has long since closed) for crappy confections past their expiration dates composed of unpronounce-able chemicals.
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We have a Butternut outlet a couple of block from my office and I like to go there every week to stock up on Dolly Madison cakes. What are you trying to say – that might not be a smart dietary move for me?
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Well, if you lost 60 pounds eating Dolly Madison cakes – then I’m switching eating plans starting today…
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I lost 60 pounds THINKING about my former, Dolly-Madison-devouring ways. That’s all drool weight.
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Oh no…this is bad news. “If they can’t make here, they can’t make it anywhere”♪ What a swan song!
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That’s for dang sure! Hey, how’d you get that little musical note to appear in your comment? You’re my techno hero.
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ALT 13 = ♪, ALT 14 = ♫
♪These are a few of my favoite things♫ in Technoville.
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I’m going to sing all my comments from now on. Just hope I don’t go off-key.
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What a puntastic blog!! That brain of yours is amazing…
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My brain gets real busy when snack cakes are threatened. It’s personal.
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Very clever! Well done!
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Some find the pun to be a lame form of humor, but I say there’s nothing like a satisfying groan, well-earned.
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My sister and I were raised on Susy Q’s! I LOVE this post, you are quite the humorist! reminds me how much I miss Irma Bombeck!
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Well, don’t you know the way to a blogger’s heart! I once did a post about being the secret love-child of Erma and Dave Barry, my 2 faves. I sent a link to Dave and he actually took the time to send me a reply.
I think I’ll trot that post out again since not many ever read it – thanks.
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Yay!!!! Love Dave Barry too, no wonder you are so talented 😉
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This would be hilarious if I wasn’t so broken up about the whole thing…
*a tear of frosting slowly rolls down my cheek*
🙂
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If it’s buttercream frosting, it’s rolling REALLY slow. That whipped stuff that passes for frosting at most grocery store bakeries? Should zip right on down the cheek.
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I was twinkling with joy as I soaked up your crumbs of fun. You are a cream-filled ball of silliness!
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Tee hee hee!
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Is this really so bad? Think of all of the treadmills that will be freed up! Now I’m off to see the wizards at Weight Watchers.
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Be sure to bring Twinkies to your Weight Watchers meeting – just to support Hostess.
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I particularly like the part about the Union! I hear Fred Crisco is a lard butt.
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I don’t like to be mean, but everyone knows that Crisco is fat in the can.
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Love that one, Peg! 🙂
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I guess people who live in fat-filled houses shouldn’t throw Crisco jokes, but I couldn’t resist. 🙂
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I’m glad to see that even in the face of such trauma, your sense of humor has been well-preserved.
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As well preserved as a Twinkie. They say when Man has been obliterated in some sort of holocaust, all that will be left on the planet is cockroaches and Twinkies. Kind of a symbiotic thing.
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Great fun reading this. You are a master of the puns. MKC
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Our brother Bill might challenge me to a pun-off.
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Of all the half-baked blogs this one takes the cake.
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I swear on my sainted mother’s grave, you have GOT to come up with some sort of rim-shot character to insert in your comments.
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This is the reason I subscribed to your blog! ♫I learn something hilarious every time!!!!
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I know – isn’t this educational? Wait a minute – that isn’t working for me. I found the Alt key, but there’s no 13 or 14 key.
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Right after the twelve!!! (couldn’t resist)
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The puns were flying in this one! Love it. I’m sure the Hostess Company will be preserved, just like its products for time immemorial.
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Seriously, that’s what I don’t understand about bankruptcy. It seems everybody just goes merrily on their way with no repercussions, either for personal or business. You just waive a magic, judicial wand, say “I don’t owe you this money any more” three times, turn in a circle and, presto chango, no more debt!
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I guess your topic is too delicate to be ‘freshly pressed’ 🙂 All that creamy goodness inside (and I’m not a big fan) would goosh all over the place! Egads!
Couldn’t resist.
Love your wordplay! Smiles…….
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Not a big fan??? What about Zingers? Surely Zingers get the old blood a-pumpin’, right?
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… or a coagulatin’, anyhow! 🙂
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Ain’t THAT the truth! You can practically feel those ‘ol arteries hardening as you bite down on the tender cake, moaning as the creamy filling bursts on your tongue.
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Har Har! Hostess just didn’t see the whole wheat/lo-fat writing on the wall.
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Yeah, they should toss some of that in the Twinkies just so they could splash it across their packaging. We’re fatter than ever as a nation, but we like to LOOK like we’re doing something about that.
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This column was a Zinger! I learned there are people who deep fry their Twinkies, wondering if this would be considered suicide by snack cake? Good job on the illustration.
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Gotta admit I’ve never had one, and while I could take or leave Twinkies, I’d sure like to try them deep-fried.
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No more chocolate cupcakes? No more fruit pies? No more Snoballs? No more Twinkies? Future generations will be so confused when watching Zombieland.
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Don’t fret for the future of poor, innocent zombies – I’m sure Hostess will come through this OK.
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You amaze me. First you sweep the hair pun and now? Now, you are a champion with baked good puns, too. There HAS to be an award out there just waiting for your punny ha-ha’s!
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You must be referring to the coveted Golden Groanie. It’s every punster’s dream.
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Ho ho indeed! I love puns, so I think this post was totally SWEET!
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A woman of discerning taste – I knew there was a reason I liked you (besides the fabulous Day-glo slap bracelets).
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Oh my stars, Peg – you are a freakin’ hoot n’ a half! That’s like – 5 Ho Hos put together.
This was hilarious!
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Do you have 5 Ho Hos put together? Cuz I’m kinda hungry right now.
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Very clever as always, Peg. I love Twinkie the Kid being impaled by his own poor sales. By the way, I am still laughing about the skier on your site stat graph. I told my husband about it yesterday and he busted a rib or two.
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You just wait, missy-miss. You and the hubster won’t be laughing when you’ve got Franz Klammer schussing down the steep slope of YOUR stats when they come off their Freshly Pressed high in a couple of days.
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Well, in fact, that’s exactly why the topic of that picture came up. I told my husband I was going to ask Peg to put a cute little Franz Klammer on my site stats so I wouldn’t feel so bad next week 🙂
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It’s like Laura’s comment on my post with the skiier stats. After FP, you KNOW you come off like an ungrateful ingrate (double negative) that you feel depressed that it doesn’t happen again right away. But you do. It’s like a heroin high that you’re always chasing.
I was reading your funny comments about “where’s the key chain or coffee mug?”, and it reminded me of an old Saturday Night Live sketch where somebody was hosting for the fifth time. They led him backstage to a little room where Steve Martin, Paul Simon, BUck Henry and I’m not sure who-all admitted him to the “5+ Hosting Club” and gave him his own smoking jacket, etc. I think there’s a place like that in WordPress headquarters…somewhere over the rainbow.
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Peg, I absolutely love that SNL skit you’re talking about. Let’s see, I think they ended then with Martin Short taking their drink orders? (I love Martin Short.)
And then there was a great follow-up one with Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin fighting over who had done the most hosting…and then while Alec was on stage doing his monologue, I think someone rolled Steve Martin out onto the stage on a TV so he could claim another “host”.
What were we talking about again? SNL? Oh, chasing the dragon…yes, I’ll be chasing it with you now 😉
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I’m just wondering how long it took you to come up with that many puns…
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Oh, just a few minutes. Really. It was nothing, really. 😉
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Fresh pressed-worthy, for sure!!! One of your best, Peg. Now if you’ll excuse me, I ‘ve gotta go snatch up as many of those orange cupcakes and Twinkies as I can get my chubby little hands on!!
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It’s the orange cupcakes that do me in. I can’t always find them, so when I do, I stock up. I mean when I DID – DID find them. In the bad, old, pre-diet days. Now I’m a model of healthy eating. Except…
I know I can tell you this, Lib, in confidence. My worst diet meltdown is at the homeless shelter. I know. Sounds weird. All sorts of generous people drop off cookies, cakes, donuts, all the time. Starbucks donates their day-old stuff. So whenever I’m there, I’m confronted with a mountain of sweets, all stored in the kitchen where I’m working. Volunteers are allowed, nay, encouraged to take the stuff home because they get so much it goes stale. I must have eaten 8 little, iced Starbucks scones the other night. I thought I was going to cap off the evening of helping others by barfing all over them, then slipping into a sugar coma. (interesting side note; one of the guests is diabetic and he DID have a seizure and had to go to the hospital the other night).
I’m just glad there isn’t a Panera Bread in town, because if I had to resist their orange iced scones, my favorite food in the world, I’d be in big trouble.
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Can you believe it? We covered the same topic the same week! Of course, Hostess is NEWS… and we are both diligent serious reporters!
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Thank goodness both of us are on the job, covering these vital topics. Where do I go to get my reporter pass so I can get in wherever I want to?
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