(cue opening song from Legally Blonde)
The day starts like any other day. Maybe you’re in the middle of scrubbing the toilet, or playing with your kids. Maybe you’re working; selling some insurance. (Do you have enough life insurance? Does anyone, really?) You decide to take a little, bitty break and visit your blog – a quick trip to the dashboard on the off chance that somebody, anybody, read your latest offering. It’s not a big deal really; that’s just the fruit of your tortured labor displayed there, brought forth in sweat and agony from the very depths of your soul for the world to read and judge.
Wait a minute. Something’s going on down here on the normally static stats page. You watch your numbers climb steadily, going up, up, up by the minute. You don’t believe it. “Wha??? Who are all these people? Where did the comments come from? Is this really happening?”
Welcome to your magical, Freshly Pressed Day.
On Freshly Pressed Day, you can do anything you want. You walk on bloggy water.
You can roam wherever you want in WordPress, because the world is your oyster. No blog is off limits. You can comment on absolutely any topic, on any other blog, secure in the knowledge that no matter how banal or uninformed your comment, you’re golden. When confronted with your lameness, other bloggers might call you an idiot. You laugh! “Do you even KNOW who I AM?” You subtly steer them over to check out your blog. The sheer number of “likes”; the gigantic wall of comments you have is a foundation wall upon which you stand to project your pithy utterances. You’re untouchable. For today.
I see why Lindsey Lohan would think it was perfectly acceptable to walk out of a jewelry store with some little bauble that caught her eye – she’s a celebrity! Those peon storeowners should thank their lucky stars to have her business. Even if by business we mean shoplifting.
It’s the same on Freshly Pressed day.
“I can’t be bothered with work-a-day concerns,” you tell your office.
“You can feed yourselves,” you tell your starving children.
“I’ve been Freshly Pressed” you crow to the real world folk with whom you are forced to interact. They look at you with shock and awe. At least that’s how you interpret their expressions, which are actually conveying a message of “What-the-hell-is-that-and-who-the-hell-cares-anyway?”
You’re chained to your computer, checking stats and replying to comments like the fate of the free world is riding on your response. Cleverness flows from your fingertips – the muse is upon you and you can do no wrong!
But nothing lasts forever.
When the clock strikes midnight, it’s time to head home from the ball. Your shiny glass shoes turn back into stinky house slippers with holes in the toes. Your gleaming carriage reverts to the rotting pumpkin and filthy rats that are your usual companions.
Now when you check your dashboard, the site stats look like a giant slalom plunging down the side of the Matterhorn. The dizzying heights of Freshly Pressed day only serve to make all the other days before and after look dismally, depressingly insignificant. Like how real cars looks like Matchbox toys to Godzilla.
It’s a scientific fact that bloggers have been known to come down with a painful case of the Blogger Bends from their site stats dropping so radically and so quickly.
You have to make up for lost time at work, and try to repair any damage done to personal relationships on your Freshly Pressed Day. “Sorry” you say, not bothering to try to explain WordPress again, “I was a little loopy yesterday – I think it was a blood sugar thing.”
Your posts and comments are once again subject to the usual laws of blog nature. You can and do come across like a grade-A doofus once more.
You’ll try to recreate the glow of this day forever. You’ll casually drop a mention into every, single, mother-lovin’ post and comment from here on out, until all your readers unsubscribe because you are a boring, self-important buffoon who will NOT stop bragging about getting Freshly Pressed for God’s sake, like she OWNS the damn title!
You’ll still be talking about it years from now to people who assume you’re a couple jacks short of a full deck, and they will respond with: “Uh huh, yeah, you told me about that already, sugar. Now let’s get you out of that soggy Depends and into a fresh one, ok?”
But nobody can ever take away the memory of your magical, Freshly Pressed Day.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I’ve told myself many times that Freshly Pressed would just skew all my numbers. Many Times. Oh, but how I would love to be a Freshly Pressed Baffoon!
LikeLike
…and to think I already neglect everything and everyone in favor of my blog….
LikeLike
Boy, do I hear THAT, sister.
LikeLike
I’m sure when your time comes, you will NOT be a buffoon – you will reign with dignity and style. You just wait!
LikeLike
And can you imagine if WP had a “Permanent Freshly Pressed” setting? And you’d be up there 24/7 forever? With every single frickin thing you wrote? You could list the ingredients on a can of cat food and 587 people would “like” it and another 400 would comment with “Ohmyfreakingod, I never knew what was in cat food! This is amazing!” Or “I’m going to run out right this second and buy a can of cat food! Thank you for this!” This is how some people actually live, being able to spew drivel to adoring masses. But don’t fret. I will remain your devoted fan, whether you are FP or not. Just don’t write about cat food. Please.
LikeLike
Renee, this cat food idea is bloggy gold! Mind if I borrow it?
What a horrible, horrible picture you paint, with sycophants hanging on my every word. Yuck! Who would want all those adoring masses? Ha ha! WOuldn’t that be terrible? Ha ha ha! And what if they actually PAID me to write? That would be even worse! Yup. Awful.
LikeLike
Congrats on the whole FP thing. I mean it, really. You deserved it, truly. I’ll continue to be your follower, though, because no one rocks the post hijack like you and you’re just damned funny.
LikeLike
The post hijack is a delicate art that just a few of us pursue, right?
Hey, I’m subscribed to your fab blog, but I noticed your new posts aren’t showing up on my “follow” list. I have another guy whose posts show up twice. Wonder what the problem is?
LikeLike
No matter how many blogs I try to follow, my “follow” list still only has the first three blogs I subscribed to over a year ago.
LikeLike
As long as the list includes me, no worries. 🙂
LikeLike
You’ve had a link in the side column of my blog for almost a year. I just tried again to put you on the “follow” list. We’ll see if it works this time. The black line at the top indicates that I’m following, but when I go back to my dashboard the list will probably just have the same three blogs again.
LikeLike
My follow list is, shall we say, all effed-up. Some blogs I have been following forever never show up on my “read” page, nor do I get notified of new posts, even when I sign up AGAIN. Some, as you mention, show up twice and I cannot get the duplication straightened around. Been too busy to spend time straightening it out, maybe after I get back home.
LikeLike
Ha! That reminds me of a Mr. Skittles incident that “apparently” happened on She’s A Maineac’s blog one day 😉
LikeLike
I don’t know HOW these vicious rumors ever get started.
LikeLike
Who would behave so badly?
LikeLike
Nobody that I know.
LikeLike
Hi, Peg!
I’m the one who’s been checking out your previous posts!!! From Sept 2009 to date…
If you want to feel better, I found your blog under humor and not Freshly Pressed! You are really funny! I’ve told my friends about your blog. I would like to add you to my blogroll, may I?
LikeLike
Where did I get Sept 2009? I meant April 2009.
LikeLike
Wow! I’m impressed. Some of my family read snippets of my stuff to avoid extreme unpleasantness at family gatherings, but I don’t think anyone has read it all. I debated even putting in the 2009 entries since they’re from another, temporary blog I started just as a travelogue for family. I decided that was the “warts” part of “warts and all”.
Thanks for reading, signing up and commenting – I’m really glad to have you here! (and I’m flattered to be on your blogroll.)
LikeLike
Done! I just added you to my Blogroll!
Have a Happy New Year!
Wish you all the best to you and your family!
Nickie
LikeLike
My site stat page tells me that my busiest day for views was February 20, 2011. I think that was the day that my husband and a few family members decided to spend a few hours reading my blog. That number greets me each and every day, reminding me of a statistic that I have never reached since. I can only imaging how exciting it must have been for you to see your view number soar! Congrats again!
LikeLike
Thanks, Margie. I sound like an ungrateful wretch, but it really was exciting.
LikeLike
Thank you for the vicarious ride. You are so funny and so deserving. I’m still in awe that on your FP day (in caps) you came by to visit me (small letters), the little gal. Thank you for that, too.
LikeLike
Waddayamean? You’ve got talent to spare, Georgette! In fact, can you spare a cup or two? I’m a quart low today – apres holiday, you know.
LikeLike
OPRAH!!!!! Have your peeps call Peg’s peeps!
LikeLike
You know, I gave the Oprah idea a rest because I knew she was busy with the wrap-up of her show, then the start-up of her new network. Now, she’s trying to perform CPR on her network. I wonder if there will EVER be a good time for me and Oprah to get together????
LikeLike
FYI. You’re the only blogger I “know” or follow that has the coveted f/p distinction. I was thrilled just to be a fan
LikeLike
Thanks, Gwen. I appreciate it!
LikeLike
Thank you for another funny and inspiring blog. I actually felt like a celebrity myself when you showed up on Freshly Pressed, because I discovered you first, although I can’t remember how or when. I mean, I only follow about three blogs, and one of them is selected for Freshly Pressed? How awesome is that!
LikeLike
Thanks so much, Marcie. I know what you mean. I follow some really talented bloggers, and when they show up on the front page I feel it just shows what good taste I have! 🙂
LikeLike
This was hysterical, Pegoleg! Or should I call you ‘Peg-o-FP’d’ from now on?! You were up there for quite some time this time around though. Well deserved!
I especially enjoyed your ski illustration. The ride downhill is so scary, isn’t it? Hard to avoid those damn trees and end up flat on your face….but rest assured that at the bottom of that snowy mountain are your biggest fans, like me. (What? that isn’t enough for you??)
The “what-the-hell-is-Freshly-Pressed-and-who-the-hell-cares” is something my husband said to me last time. I was jumping up and down and he responded with, “oh, gee, that’s nice, honey….whatever…”
LikeLike
Sounds like our husbands flunked the same sensitivity training, cuz I got the same reaction. You’re so right about the hazards at the bottom of the stats, but you usually end up back with your good bloggy friends, and sometimes pick up a few new, interesting people, so that’s the best part.
LikeLike
Wonderful post. I love the graphic with the slide down in the stats bar–brilliant! You do walk on “bloggy water” in my book!
LikeLike
Aren’t you a sweetie, Lorna! I’m trying not to be disappointed that 4,000 people don’t read my blog every day. Jeesh. 🙂
LikeLike
Congrats! I’ve been lurking here for awhile, and now feel so famous – osmosis is a wonderful thing!
LikeLike
I thought I saw somebody rustling in the weeds there. Thanks for coming out into the bloggy sunshine!
LikeLike
I found this blog while randomly clicking things during a particularly hectic day at work (not) if the dates on your skier graph (which is awesome) are true it was probably through freshly pressed :p. Either way, I fell in love with your blog and now intend on reading it regularly.
LikeLike
Well thanks so much – glad to have you!
LikeLike
“it was a blood sugar thing” lol! I love your blog with our without the FP distinction! You crack me up 🙂
LikeLike
I’m having a blood sugar thing today, FOR SURE. Combo of apres-Christmas, apres-FP, gotta get year-end business taken care of and take down the damn tree sometime before Easter. Can I get an amen to that feeling, or am I alone here?
LikeLike
My attempt to explain the aura of being freshly pressed resulted in a reply of “what the hell does ironing a good crease have to do with blogging?”. Seriously, congrats. Well-deserved.
LikeLike
Yeah, after the convoluted explanation you usually finish up with “never mind”. Thanks!
LikeLike
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been FP’d so many times! I still wait patiently for my first. But thanks for the warning… it’s good to know the things that will hurt me ahead of time so I can be prepared. Should the day ever come. Point is, I’ve enjoyed every post I’ve read from you. I wish you many more!
LikeLike
Thanks so much! Don’t worrry – some day your FP prince will come. Your stuff is well-written and thought provoking.
LikeLike
After every hill the road must eventually veer down. sorry you are having a FP’d hangover.
You rock in my book! Keep up the great writing!
And, Happy New Year (almost). Where has the time gone???
LikeLike
Ha ha!!! Perfect, Tar! The FP hangover is right on.
Are you doing something fun for New Year’s Eve?
LikeLike
Not at this time. May go into town for a spell early and see friends, but pretty sure we will be home on the couches at midnight. How’s about youse guys?
LikeLike
We’re going to a friend’s house for dinner with a group. I’d better give her a call to find out what I can bring that is delicious, non-fattening, yummy, and doesn’t require any work on my part. Any suggestions?
LikeLike
Hi, I’m just here to occasionally view so as to avoid unpleasantness at family gatherings… Hope that, in your withdrawal/mourning, you don’t spend too much time drowning your sorrows in grapejuice that was once ‘freshly pressed’ but now has a date on the bottle! Happy New Year and great to see you over Christmas.
LikeLike
It’s a wise man that sometimes visits his sister’s blog to preserve family harmony. Great to see you and the gang as well!
LikeLike
Thanks for starting my day off with a very enjoyable and amusing read! 🙂 I’ve only been on WP for just under a month now, and (lowers his voice to a whisper…) some of the Freshly Pressed selections have left me feeling more than a little baffled, as to why they were selected. But you (voice returns to normal volume) being Freshly Pressed is no mystery to me at all, because your writing is talented and funny! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks! I think that all the time, but now that it was me, in the immortal words of Dumb and Dumber; “just when I think you can’t do anything more stupid, you pull something like this… and totally redeem yourself!”
LikeLike
Love that line.
LikeLike
So relevant, so often.
LikeLike
My husband just stuck his head out of the bathroom door and said, “Julie, are you shrieking?”
“No honey, I’m laughing.”
LikeLike
Thanks, but I want to explore the physical setup here. Are you blogging in the bathroom, or is it your hubby who is hanging out in there?
LikeLike
The skiing illustration is priceless, PegOLeg – priceless!
Life in the Boomer Lane cracked me up with her comment, too. Once something is deemed good enough for Freshly Pressed – folks come out of the woodwork admiring the appointed goodness. I can see a post of cat food getting such acclaim. Funny stuff!
Yeah, yeah, yeah – congrats. Whatever. (smile)
LikeLike
That fawning acclaim thing doesn’t last long (unfortunately). Those folks only stop by with the sycophantic comments because they want everyone to go over to THEIR blog, and they rarely come back after the FP ship has sailed. Then, the weary FP blogger must go back to trying to crank out stuff that is actually worth reading, dangnabbit! 🙂
LikeLike
Well SOME bloggers around here may conduct themselves that way, but not me, cause now I’m following you! Well, let me clarify that… I’m following your blog, NOT following you. Don’t want to make the wrong impression here, with that whole stalker thing going on these days… But yeah, I wanna read more of your shi… er, I mean, stuff! 🙂
LikeLike
I wasn’t talking about YOU, Chris – perish the thought. But I noticed somebody ducking behind a parked car when I went to the mall at lunch, and he looked an AWFUL lot like your avatar. Hmmm….
LikeLike
Oh, that? Don’t worry about that. I was just trying to steal the car, and you being there was purely coincidental. But when I saw you “make” me, I had to take off… And that was a really nice car too! But hey, no hard feelings Peg – we’re cool. Lol 😉
LikeLike
New to WordPress and blogging, I’m really greatful for Freshly Pressed since there are a mind boggling number of blogs, and who would have the time to try and find the good posts like they do for us. Glad yours made it otherwise it would be like finding a needle in a hay stack when it comes to finding interesting blogs. I actually started a blog on here to try and get people to listen to my songs on YouTube, now I see it is just like YouTube in that there are so many blogs probably no one will see my blog. Anyway, wish they had a Freshly Pressed on YouTube as well. Great feature.
LikeLike
Yeah, there are literally millions of us trying to get our voices heard, whether singing or writing, out here on the internet. Good luck!
LikeLike
I always enjoy your illustrations.
LikeLike
I’m considering getting a tablet computer with a stylus so I can REALLY draw, but I’m afraid of the commitment. My hubby is so sick of hearing me debating this computer over that, he won’t listen anymore – just DO it already.
LikeLike
I was FP’d twice in 2010 — and not at all in 2011. That fall from grace is what turned me into the bitter shell of a woman you see today.
LikeLike
Laura, I know. It sounds horribly ungrateful, but after the FP, every month that goes by without another one fills you with angst and bitterness – “why don’t they like THIS stuff? THIS stuff is pretty good, isn’t it?”
LikeLike
I’ve not been freshly pressed yet (<— see what I did there?;P ) but it sure does sound wonderful!
LikeLike
I SAW what you did there. It’s the power of positive thinking – keep it up and all your wishes and dreams will come true! (I sound like a copy writer for Disney.)
LikeLike
I saw the other day that Depends aren’t just white anymore. Now they have gray. But I bet they aren’t Freshly Pressed Depends, are they? No, they’re not.
LikeLike
When I’m 90 and in the nursing home, I’ll insist on white Depends with sparkly, gold stars on them, as befits my formerly-Freshly-Pressed status.
LikeLike
Talking about Freshly Pressed when I haven’t been feels like a bad omen. Like now it won’t happen for sure since I actually wrote it and sent it out in the universe. But then, perhaps like Beetlejuice, if I write it a few times it will manifest into reality. Freshly Pressed, Freshly Pressed, Freshly Pressed.
Truly, Peg — congrats again! And that skier is the funniest damn photoshop job I’ve seen in a long time.
LikeLike
Thanks Angie! I don’t have photoshop – just the ubiquitous Paint program.
As I recall, saying Beetlejuice a couple of times had some nasty consequences for the nice, young, dead couple in that movie. Perhaps you’ll want to rethink your strategy of tweaking the nose of the WordPRess gods?
LikeLike
I’ll still dream about being freshly pressed, despite the certain crash, haha. And I’m still reading along, buffoon or not— funny is funny! 🙂
LikeLike
Um, I didn’t mean that I was a buffoon. Just that some people can get that way. Why, did you think I meant ME? Is that how I’m coming across? Is that how I seem to you? Does my butt look big in these jeans????
Sorry – little insecurity meltdown, but I’m ok now.
LikeLike
The lovely pumpkin chair!!! 😀
LikeLike
It’s supposed to turn into a carriage, but a chair shaped like a pumpkin would be a pretty cool design element, wouldn’t it? Wish I had some furniture-making skills, here.
LikeLike
People stop me on the street all the time and inquire of me: “Are you that witty insightful, good looking, Fresh Pressed blogger on WordPress.com that I am always reading about?” and I smile my old tired toothy smile and reply …. “No I am only 5’9″.” (Knowing that you are taller than Tom Cruise or Dustin Hoffman is sometimes enough)
Nice work.
DS
LikeLike
Hey, DS, nice to hear from you again – it’s been a while! You’re taller than me, too, if that makes you feel better. But might I suggest my brother the dentist, Dr.Jim, may be able to do something about that old, tired toothy smile?
LikeLike
Funny, funny post!
I’d be careful Peg. If you keep writing like this you’ll get FP’d every time and then where would you be? Probably sealed off in some dank, dark basement coming up only in the wee hours, when all others are asleep, for sustenance and relief.
All efforts to get you to go to FP addict support groups failing, we’ll eventually find you comatose at your keyboard having tried to respond to the 12,455,344,666 comments that appear in your reply section EVERY day. It’s an ugly scenario, but all too real at the rate you’re going.
I appeal to your sense of loyalty to your family, give up this destructive quest while you still have people who love you. (OK, I just want you out so the rest of us will have a chance at FP, but it’s for your own good too.)
LikeLike
I am become Gollum in the Misty Mountains of Word Press, my precioussssss.
LikeLike
When I saw you’d been FPed, I felt exactly the same as when Neil Diamond made it big.*sneer* I loved her/him before you losers jumped on the band wagon. Johnny-come-lately dead beats!
LikeLike
You really knew/liked Neil Diamond before he got big? Wow!
LikeLike
Of course, I was wee. Waving my nookie and shimmying my diapered behind to Sweet Caroline!
LikeLike
And soon will be waving our diapered behinds to Sweet Caroline again – funny about that circle of life thing.
LikeLike
Congrats, pegoleg!
LikeLike
Thanks so much!
LikeLike
Sounds… magical! *ting*
But… um… when does the W.P. pumpkin coach arrive for the ‘mean stepsisters’?
🙂
LikeLike
THey don’t ever get a pumpkin, cuz they’re mean. THat’s how it works in fairy tales. Although in modern movies, the bad guy is always the good guy, if you get my drift. Hard to get a moral from a story anymore.
Aren’t you glad you stopped by with a nice, funny comment and ended up with a treatis on what’s wrong with today’s movies?
LikeLike
Glad you were Freshly Press since that’s how I found your great blog. Also love your stat’s page pic – hilarious!
LikeLike
You wouldn’t think it was so darn hilarious if they were YOUR stats taking a giant leap into nothing. 🙂
LikeLike
I feel your pain, Peggy! Here’s a post I wrote after my second time (of three): http://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/stale-and-wrinkled/
Happy New Year to you and your family!
Wendy
LikeLike
I know you’ve been there, Wendy. Back to normal today..sigh.
LikeLike
Funny post and congratulations, you deserve it. Hopefully after you dig out of the stats avalanche you’ll be ready to lead us up another mountain. We’ll be following.
LikeLike
Thanks, Barb. Getting my grappling hooks ready…
LikeLike
Fantastic post! Ah, to be “Freshly Pressed”. Alas, I can only dream of such an honour.
LikeLike
Keep plugging away – it will happen when you least expect it!
LikeLike
The Colorado River probably remembers when it was young and fast and freshly pressed. Now it takes the scenic route and hopes to bust out again if it gets a chance. I’m sure it will. Good words again. Nice job.
LikeLike
I think the day my blog finally gets FPed I will probably be stuck in the hospital under anesthesia, will come out with amnesia, and won’t ever remember writing a blog, thus leaving all those poor comments stuck in moderation limbo forever.
LikeLike
You’ve just given voice to my deepest, recurring nightmare (insert theatrical shudder here).
LikeLike