I think I may have an unusual form of Tourette’s Syndrome. Those who suffer from Tourette’s are plagued with uncontrollable physical tics and “the spontaneous utterance of socially objectionable or taboo words or phrases.” In other words, they swear like troopers.
My attacks are infrequent and highly situational. Here are the triggers that might set me off:
- Inanimate objects that will not cooperate. i.e. The picture that won’t hang straight, or the coffee table that jumps out at my toes.
- Idiots who expose their ignorance on TV or talk radio. i.e. Ed Schultz
- Other drivers. These are by far the most frequent triggers. I can be driving down the road humming a cheery tune, at one with the universe, but if another driver cuts me off it’s an instant Swear-O-Rama.
I find a vile stream of invective spewing forth from my proper self without my knowledge or consent. In the worst cases (like if another driver pulls in front of me and then stops to turn left) the obscenities may be shouted with vigor.
I know better. I am a lady, born and bred. I make it a firm rule to avoid crude talk and behavior, and I would never swear in public. So why does this happen? Maybe it’s a built-in safety valve that allows me to let off steam before I explode.
While I can’t control the impulses, so far I have been able to manage the outbreaks. The attacks only occur when I’m by myself, or in the presence of my cat, Beeby. She is pretty blasé about it and I know she won’t tell.
I’m afraid that when I’m really old, all my inhibitions will be knocked down by senility and I’ll shock the socks off the aides down at the Shady Acres Retirement Home. “Did you hear that old bat in 201A? She’d make a longshoreman blush!”
I’m not proud of this little character flaw; so let’s just keep it between ourselves, shall we? After all, it’s nobody else’s @#!$%& business.