For the coffee lover, fall ushers in the best of times: that of the yummy flavored coffees. Rich pumpkin, deep chocolate notes, earthy wafts of cinnamon spice all beckon from grocery store and specialty shop shelves. “Drink Me,” they say. “Drink and be warmed and soothed by my rich, roasted goodness.”
I was pretty stoked to select a bottle of Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer to begin this season of caffeinated revelry.
As I stirred the creamer into my cup of joe, I admired the packaging. A silhouette of cows, tractor and barn on the front hinted at the production facilities used by the manufacturer, Friendly Farms.
Then I turned the bottle around to the ingredients. Apparently, what with the bad economy and all, Farmer Friendly is moonlighting at the local chemical plant.
Here’s the rundown of ingredients in the “cream”:
Water, sugar, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, less than 2% sodium caseinate (A milk derivative*) dipotassium phosphate, disodium phosphate, mono and diglycerides, natural and artificial flavors, cellulose gel, cellulose gum, color added, carrageenan. Not a source of lactose.
And in tiny print at the end: “Contains: Milk.” Really? Where? Oh, you mean the less than 2% milk derivative. I should have known. How many times have my kids come running into the kitchen as I’m removing a batch of warm cookies from the oven and pleaded, “Mom, can we have some cookies and sodium caseinate derivative?” “OK kids,” I’d laughingly say, “but don’t spoil your appetite!”
Rereading the bottle, I see that nowhere does it actually claim to be cream. All it says is “Pumpkin Spice”. The clever packagers know that my brain will infer the cream part, based on the picture on the cover, the shape of the bottle and its placement in the dairy section near other cream-ish products.
*Interesting side note: have you noticed that dairy products now come in bottles that look like Mae West? I read an article that manufacturers have switched to this package because research shows that bottles with a thinner waist are more attractive to buyers. Apparently, we are so stupid that we equate a shapely bottle with a shapelier us.
The front of the bottle advises “Shake well” in little letters. They should print a hazmat warning, instead. If you get an unadulterated swallow of dipotassium phosphate, your head might balloon up like a blowfish.
It wouldn’t be so bad to be putting all these questionable chemicals in my body if it tasted good. After all, we all know we’re taking our lives in our hands when we eat a Twinkie, but we’re willing to take the risk for the sake of the sugary, creamy goodness therein. But this stuff doesn’t even taste like pumpkin. It doesn’t taste like anything, really. It just turns the coffee tan if you put enough in the cup.
I guess if I want real, natural pumpkin flavor in my coffee, I would need to cut open a jack-o-lantern, throw in a pot of java and swish it around. Somehow, that doesn’t appeal.
I threw out the pumpkin spice creamer, a sadder but wiser gal. I’ll be going back to plain, old, real cream. It’s not very exotic, but at least I have a good chance of coming out of that encounter alive.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I wish I were a hardcore coffee gal and could give you tips on how to recreate a pumpkin spice latte for yourself. But I love the idea of purchasing pumpkins and swishing around the coffee inside. That should do it. Be sure to send the pumpkins to me for some carving; mine rotted 2 weeks ago 😉
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Your beautiful work of art already sagged? (check out Jackie’s blog for her world-class pumpkin carving – last week or so). Would you like a bottle of Pumpkin Spice Creamerish to remember it by?
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I only just now read this. Creamerish. aahah
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Apparently, we’ll eat or drink anything if it’s packaged right. We’re just that dumb. Loved the video!
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Isn’t that great? I love that song!
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Mmm…tastes just like the sodium caseinate derivative Mom used to make!
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Ah, those sweet memories of home.
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Precisely why I’ve even stopped buying fat free half & half. I looked at the incredients and said, “Um… that’s not real.” So… there’s fat in my coffee. Which I’m drinking right now, so it was an excellent time to read your post. I wonder if anybody sells the pumpkin syrup Starbucks uses to make its lattes? And then you can just sprinkle in some pie spice (allspice works, or cinnamon and nutmeg)… I wish you luck finding a satisfying and non-chemical concoction!
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I think you’re right – maybe a shot of allspice. Would you put that in with the grounds? Because it doesn’t mix in with the beverage. And real cream.
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Yeah, anything I add to my coffee, I add before it brews (cinnamon, nutmeg, etc). Not only does it work better that way, but you get the added aromatics. Breathe deeply and suck the marrow out of life. Or whatever Thoreau said. (Not about coffee.)
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He could have meant coffee. I’m going to give that trick a try – sounds yummy!
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Ick. Nothing starts your morning right like a nice swig of pumpkin flavored cell carrageenan!
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It reminds me of all those fun times in the chem lab! Mmmmmmm.
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“It just turns the coffee tan if you put enough in the cup.” Ha! That about sums it up.
My husband buys creamer all the time this time of year and no matter how many different flavors he pushes on me, it all tastes the same. Burnt bitter syrupy sugar. “Hey, honey! Try this one, it’s Maple Syrup Pancake with just a sprinkle of cinnamon bun!”
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With me, it’s all about getting the taste equivalent of a stack of maple syrup pancakes, or pumpkin pie, without the environmental impact on my thighs. Sigh. Tell your hubbie to let me know if he finds a keeper, ok?
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Damn, we can’t get a break! All we’re asking for is a little treat in our coffee! Are you happy or sad you read the ingredients, for after all the saying is ignorance is bliss! So what is in all those tasty treats at the Starbucks that come out every season . . . oh, NO! Do not go there! Good blog!
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If it tasted great, I wouldn’t care what was in it. I’m just that kind of fair-weather health-nut. But no go. We can’t get a break!
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I started reading ingredient lables a few years ago and now I wish I hadn’t. It started with high-fructose corn syrup – they put that crap in EVERYTHING! It’s hard to buy stuff without it. I became obsessed and now it takes me twice as long to go shopping because I’m squinting at sides of boxes looking for words I can’t pronounce.
Just give me good, old fashioned milk in my coffee with a little sugar (brown sugar is a nice substitute, too) and I’m happy.
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I’m a little late to the label-reading club, but I’m trying to go healthy as much as possible (yuck). This old body is so used to fillers and nitrates, too much healthy might send me into shock!
I’m going to try the brown sugar- sounds good!
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I’m trying to give up Lean Pockets for the same reason! (I did just order Pumpkin Spice coffee, but plan on enjoying it with my usual half-and-half.)
That picture is fantastic.
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Lean Pockets? What’s wrong with those? Lots of wholesome leanness – you can’t go wrong. Do you think the Pumpkin Spice coffee manufacturers put any real pumpkin anywhere in there? Do we even want to know?
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My favorite beanery changed the brand of coffee today, to something called “Truckstop Blend” and it is really bad. I may have to go back to Ice Tea.
Nothing ever stays the same in my world.
Enjoyed the piece and the “about comments.”
DS
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Thanks, DS. Didn’t they warn you that Truckstop Blend contains crankcase oil and is filtered with an unwashed trucker’s do-rag?
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I love the part about the bottle looking like Mae West! I was picturing the pumpkin spice “creamer” in the refrigerator case calling out in that deep rasping voice, “hey there Peg-o-leg, why don’t we meet for coffee some time.” Right now I’m eating the fall flavors and drinking vanilla caramel ~ flavored coffee, shot of sugar free caramel flavoring (acesulfame potassium and friends) and I go for the big guns… light cream!
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As long as you’re keeping it real with acesulfame potassium, it’s all good, right?
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I’ve given up buying the fake pumpkin lattes that coffee shops serve. None of them are pumpkin spice-y enough! I’ll just content myself with adding nutmeg and cinnamon to my coffee with skim milk. If I froth the milk, it feels fancier and seems to taste better.
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How do you froth milk? Sounds like a lot of work. I want that hand-crafted taste, but without any bother. I think what I really need is some servants.
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That radioactive fake creamer will give you goiters, girl! I think there’s such a thing as cinnamon syrup in the spices aisle at the grocery store that you might try with your Half ‘N’ Half. Maybe there’s other kinds now that the season is upon us.
Those Andrew Sisters are adorable. I like Manhattan Transfer’s version of “Java Jive” too.
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LOVE Manhattan Transfer… their Java Jive’s a classic! Too bad these fakey coffee creamers aren’t as good as the songs about good ole coffee!!
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I love the Manhattan Transfer version, too, but the original King Sisters is my fave.
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I think I may be going back to tea, as well. You’ve taken all the fun out of coffee. 😉
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Aw, sorry about that. I’m sure you can find lots of horrible stuff in flavored tea as well, if you try.
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This is exactly why I don’t drink coffee…or tea. Or anything that requires fake creamer.
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Would you like to know what’s in that water you’re drinking????
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No. Please leave me in the dark. If I can’t drink water, that only leaves fruit punch…or rum.
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Fruit punch AND rum sounds like an inspired combination. Don’t forget the little umbrella!
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Fun post! And I loved the video.
In my world, I have little kids and so do my friends. As such, many of us have formula in our homes. You can guess where this is going. 🙂 Apparently, it’s not half bad when used as a creamer! Especially if it’s already in your house and saves a trip to the store with the little ones.
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That makes sense unless you’re breast feeding and expressing milk. You see where this is going…
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Try this: 2 tbsp canned pumpkin (not pie filling); 1 tsp vanilla; alittle milk or cream (about 1/4 c) apinch of cinnamon & cloves, I like alittle sugar. Put in big coffee mug, & pour coffee over. It’s not shaped like Mae West, but its natural & cheaper than coffee shops. (I mix abunch together & it keeps in the frig all week). Great blog!
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Does the pumpkin break down, or just flavor the coffee? I’m going to try this – thanks for the hint and kind comment!
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I would say just whip up some cream and add some pumpkin pie spices. But that sounds so far beyond my domestic capabilities that I wouldn’t actually suggest it to anyone else.
On a related note, I read the ingredients in my shampoo yesterday and did not know what a single one of them was. All I know is that I put a whole bunch of chemicals on my head every morning and rub them into my scalp. My brain is probably absorbing them, which contributes to my “eclecticism”.
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If we thought about all the stuff in our lives that is poisoning us, we’d give up and live in a plastic bubble. Do what I do – drink heavily.
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“Mom, can we have some cookies and sodium caseinate derivative?”
Unfortunately, I was drinking a smoothie at the exact moment I read this sentence.
I had enough sense to put down my drink at that point, which is good, because my keyboard would otherwise have been toast at:
I guess if I want real, natural pumpkin flavor in my coffee, I would need to cut open a jack-o-lantern, throw in a pot of java and swish it around.
I love this post so much. In fact, you could say I love it about a billion times more than I love the pumpkin spice latte I procured last Friday. After having a sip, I texted a girlfriend:
I remember pumpkin spice lattes being twice as tasty and half as expensive.
(Oh, and when I say “texted”? I mean, “telepathically communicated,” because there’s no way I’d keep on sending text messages after realizing it’s actually hurting my hands. I’m definitely smarter than that. *cough*)
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Maybe we should just splurge and eat a whole pumpkin pie with REAL whipped cream and be done with it.
Nice save on the texting comment there, Deb. I KNOW you’re too smart to mortgage your future for the sake of textural gratification.
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…in a tiny voice… I really like the Pumpkin Spice creamer… have some in the fridge right now. Don’t shoot me.
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I do, too! At least I like the idea of it. Maybe I just got a dud brand. (putting gun back in cabinet).
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You should have saved it. You could have used it for fuel oil when furnace ran out.
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Ha! Probably explosive, though.
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If it has more than 3 ingredients and any that I can’t easily pronounce, I don’t consume it. I don’t consume much…:|
I love how you cleverly make your point. You’re GOOD!
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That’s a really good motto – both about the 3 ingredients AND the “you’re good” :). I know that the more foods are processed, the worse they are for us. But the ingrained bad eating habits of a lifetime are so hard to break.
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That’s why I stick with Starbucks…their “non-fat, vente, pumpkin spice, latte, no whip” is delicious and has no ingredients listed (except the forementioned)….now…I figure if you can learn how to order it (I truly have a friend who is scared to go to Starbucks for fear of knowing how to order coffee), that should be enough, who cares what’s in it! LOL 🙂
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I’m with your friend – Starbucks is intimidating. If you say you want a large coffee, instead of a grande vente vidi vici, the barristas spit on you.
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I hate to say it, Lisa, but you’re right. Starbucks makes the best pumpkin latte. Only once in a while will I patronize their establishment – and fall’s the time!
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OK, I’m splurging on a pumpkin latte today – thanks ladies!
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