The gloves have come off in the family weight loss challenge, and it isn’t pretty.
Get thee behind me, fudge demon!
When my sister, Terry, first suggested that the women in my family use this summer to lose weight and get fit, I joined in. (Check out the “Biggest Loser” category in the right-hand column for more about the challenge.) I had no thought of personal gain. The cash money and valuable prizes to be awarded to the winner mean nothing to me. All I care about is being there to support and motivate my dear sisters, Mom and sister-in-law in their quest for better health.
Not all in my family are so noble.
I am shocked, nay, chagrined at the depths to which some of them are prepared to sink. Recent actions give new meaning to what was once just a limbo-contest query: how low can you go?
Let’s begin with my sister Mary Kay. As the oldest, she would be expected to set a good example for the rest of us, right? Yet she went to the extreme of having root canal surgery just to lose weight. She lost 3 pounds. 3 pounds, in less than 3 days! I’m not sure how much of that weight loss was actual tooth material, and how much was due to loss of appetite from pain.
That’s not playing fair. Excruciating pain is an appetite suppressant, which violates the spirit, if not the letter of the law of competition.
Mary Kay, I know this little tactic cost you almost $1,000, but maybe you should ask yourself a more important question: What price honor?
Even worse than Mary Kay’s underhanded move, was that perpetrated by my sister Libby.
It’s not enough that she chooses to undergo chemotherapy this summer, when we just so happen to have big money riding on the weight-loss challenge. Coincidence? You decide. As I’ve explained to every family member who would listen, that clearly gives her an unfair advantage, what with possible nausea and vomiting. No one else is willing to call her on it, though, because having cancer is like having a get-out-of-jail-free card. I wonder if they will all be so forgiving of her latest stunt.
Last week Lib visited Mackinac Island in our home state of Michigan. I was glad to hear she was getting out and about. If you’ve ever been to Mackinac, you know that the island is known for 3 things:
1) The Grand Hotel
2) Horse drawn carriages (no cars)
3) Fudge
When I got home from work on Friday, I found a pound of deliciously decadent Mackinac Island fudge waiting in my mailbox like a coiled cobra, ready to strike at my meaty thighs.
I’m sure the post office sniffer-dogs do a great job finding drugs, explosives and such, but they clearly need more training in catching the truly dangerous stuff: Diet bombs.
I called my Mom to lodge a protest at these underhanded tactics, only to discover she was happily enjoying her souvenir pound of Murdicks Maple Walnut fudge. Instead of validating my outrage, she reminded me to send Lib a thank you note.
Like hell I will! This masquerade of generosity does not fool me; it is a clear case of diet sabotage.
When Lib was a baby I changed her diapers, played with her – I practically raised her. And how am I repaid? With an assortment box of Chocolate Macadamia Nut and Traverse City Black Cherry temptation, for the sweet love of the baby Jesus!
I guess the good thing is, now we all know where we stand in this thing. No more Ms. Nice Guy.
Release the dogs of war, and to the victor goes the spoils.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Talk about underhanded tactics!
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I know, right?
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Your family plays rough! What are you going to do to retaliate?
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I’m thinking, I’m thinking.
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Aha! Where is YOUR DETERMINATION not to eat the fudge
Where is YOUR DETERMINATION to succeed
Where is YOUR DETERMINATION to win the pudding war
Are you going to retaliate or are you going to show them who can do even in the face of adversity.
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My determination was sorely tested, but I brought the offending fudge to a potluck and let others enjoy the chocolatey goodness.
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You could send the fudge to me, just to protect yourself…
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You, are a true and selfless friend.
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Good. It’s about time you get down and dirty. Get Lib some medical marijuana and a bag of Cheetohs. As for you, I recommend you get yourself a tapeworm. All the food, none of the nutrients – and if it goes untreated long enough, it suppresses your appetite! Perfect.
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On second thought, maybe I can do without a victory in this challenge. Tapeworm? EEEEEEW
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Love it, Jackie!! Great suggestions for my health situation! 🙂
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Hey, we saw about 3 mary-g-wana stores on the approach to the hospital in Lansing – shopping trip!
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I got a box of fudge from Lib last week, too, and here I thought it was a birthday present, NOT the sabotage you have uncovered. I bet she was laughing all the way to the bridge 🙂
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Happy Birthday, sista! I hate to disappoint you on this important day, but Lib sent an ANTI-birthday present; a yummy gift of instant-fat. She is truly a fiend.
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Me thinks your sisters are just plain evil! Great tactic with the contribution to the pot-luck dinner!! You keep fighting the good fight and calling them on their bad behavior – only those with a pure heart deserve to win…
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I tried a lima bean size piece of each kind before I handed the leftovers to a fudge-admiring fellow diner. YUUUUUUMMMMMMMYYYYYY!
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Of all the sneaky, dirty, underhanded…
I’m actually seriously trying to think of how you could handicap this. Is there an average weight loss for cancer patients on chemo? Have you seen the scans? Are you even sure she has it, or is she just working the story to her advantage? (Disclaimer: I know she has it, it’s not funny, blah blah.) If there’s an average weight loss for this condition, that’s the handicap. Whatever that average is gets subtracted from her actual weight loss and the result is the weight loss applicable to the contest. It’s only fair. As for Mary Kay, she’s gonna gain that back. At least two of the three pounds are coming right back. She’s a paper tiger.
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I think you’re on to something with the handicap. We’ll have to factor it in if she loses her hair, doncha think?
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“What price honor?” Haha. This post is the perfect summary of the weird love-you-to-death-no-really relationship between sisters. I seriously lost 30 pounds just because my sister started losing weight. I was pissed and she was skinny. And I couldn’t be having that 🙂
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Good for you, Tori! You keep calling yourself chubby, but I don’t see it. Are you photoshopping your thighs for your blog pictures?
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You seem to be the underdog – keep fighting!
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Well, at least in my version of reality I am.
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I don’t think so, friends. Peg is leading the weight loss challenge at 26 lbs lost!!!
No one else has mentioned anything in the 20s lost, however, some are not saying Anything. There may be covert operations going on, as Peg has alluded to. STay tuned. All will be revealed end of September, possibly in GR. 🙂
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What better place and time to reveal the weight loss challenge than in Grand Rapids, MI during their spectacular ArtPrize event. Peg has focused on the artworks, why not reveal the big winner here among the latest and most creative artists’ venue. Yes?
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Do they have no sense of decency? Has the pursuit of bragging rights brought sibling culture to this level of ugliness? Does family honor count for naught? I know you and you will rise above this.
That’s why I would never suggest a large box of munchkins left anonymously on their doorstep.
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Hmmm, you may be on to something there, Al.
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Libby also gave us a box of fudge. I personally threw myself on that diet grenade. Judy was very upset, must have been some kind of PTSD at coming so close to blowing up her diet.
PS Sorry to have missed so many of your posts. work, kids, etc. But I’m back among the faithful
.
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Greater love hath no man, than to sacrifice his waistline for those he loves. I’m wiping away a tear. (so glad to have you back!)
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Wow, whatever happened to family support systems? I hate to think about your family as you age. What if one of you needs elder care? I hope there are no stairs in your house!
Fudge–that’s low. Very funny post, though!
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I smell a reality show in the making: “All In The Family: Shove Mama Down The Stairs”.
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OK-the tooth pain is gone and I didn’t keep all 3 lbs. off, as one of your readers predicted. The carb monster got me last night! I have a new weight loss technique-cleaning out the basement! I don’t want to eat when I’m staring down that mess. The stairs are a great physical challenge too. I also was able to lob the fudge grenade to my in-laws,but I had alittle taste. I really burst out laughing on this post!
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That darn carb monster is always on the prowl! I keep taking little bits from the office candy jar, which is a sure path to damnation. Must…resist!
Good luck with the basement project. I’m happy you’re not in pain anymore, but so sad that the 3 pounds didn’t last.
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Darn that old Libby anyway. You just send that offending fudge to me, darling. I’m willing to sacrifice for your victory.
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You’re a great humanitarian!
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Hilarious post!
I might have to use the fudge trick on my sister-in-law……. 🙂
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You might want to send it anonymously to avoid any fallout.
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