Trying to cut life down to size.
Someday, when I am a world-renowned writer, someone will want to interview me. I will probably be really busy at that time, what with book signings and taking wheelbarrows full of money to the bank, so I thought it would be a good idea to interview myself now, while I have time on my hands. I’ll just hand this transcript to the interviewer.
Future Oprah Replacement (FOR): “What do you write about?”
Me: “All kinds of stuff. Things that strike me as absurd, things I wonder about, and things that tick me off. Lots of the last category.“
FOR: “Where do you get your ideas?”
Me: “The comic/drama of everyday life.”
FOR: “Why do you use “humor” to do this?”
Me: “Why are you using quotation marks?
In Harry Potter, Neville uses the Riddikulus spell to change Professor Snape into his grandmother, complete with flowered hat. The spell turns something he fears into something that makes him laugh. That’s what I try to do; use humor to demystify or defuse situations that bother or worry me.
And yes, I am fully aware that I have just revealed that I am the most pathetic kind of Harry Potter geek – a middle-aged one. But this is a time for baring one’s soul.”
FOR: “Do you think you’re a good writer?”
Me: “Sometimes as I write a post, I’m giggling like a total loon. I crack myself up! That may mean that I’m a good writer, but more likely I’m just not a very discerning reader.
I figure someday I will get a phone call from the selection committee informing me that I have just been awarded the Big, Dumb Doofus of the Year Award.”
FOR: “Thank you for this soul-baring interview. Can I have your autograph?”
Me: “That’s MAY I have your autograph. And yes. Yes, you may.”
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Haha! i often think the same about going on interviews 🙂
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What a rich, fantasy life we lead!
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Excellent! It would save a lot of time if everybody just carried round their own future famous interview to share at parties.
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That’s just presuming anyone will ever want to ask me any questions. A girl can hope, can’t she?
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Oh….. no…… ok….. Stands up straight and proudly wears her robe of middle-aged Harry Potter geekdom with pride ( with the knowledge my mother likes it just as much as I do ).
I think I’ve managed to write with no gramatical errors…..
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Bother, I was so wrapped up in grammar I spelt it incorrectly!
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A fellow geek? Welcome!
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Are you wearing dress robes?
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Now you are ready for stardom!
I do not think that I have made any grammatical mistakes. Have I ?
love P
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Everything looks good from here!
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So, have you managed to get a much coveted account on Pottermore? Do you secretly try spells on drivers who cut you off, are you whittling your own wand?
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So speaks a woman of knowledge. I haven’t, but my daughter got herself up BEFORE 10am to secure a coveted account on Pottermore. When I was in New York, I used one of my 2 city passes to go to an exhibit of actual props from the movies. I went myself, without a kid to provide cover!
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I am the last person in the world who hasn’t read a single Potter book. I am so, so ashamed.
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Don’t be ashamed. You will have the opportunity to read them along with your child!
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Just remember us little people that supported you before the big money started rolling in.
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I’ll tell my people that you get genuine, facsimile autographs whenever you want! (for just a modest shipping and “handling” charge.)
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I’m afraid this interview will discourage me from reading the later ones that come after you are world-reknowned. But that Harry Potter explanation for why you use humor was kind of quietly brilliant. And Tori – I’ve only read the first Harry Potter book. So take heart. You will not be turned into a… well, I don’t know. I haven’t read the books.
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Do you think I gave away too much? That’s always a risk with a soul-baring interview. Oh well, I don’t mind if you skip my future interviews, as long as you buy the books.
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We will still love you when you are rich and famous. We should talk royalties since all family members have created or been a part of the very situations you write about!
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See how this is gonna play out? The family riding on the coattails has already begun, and I don’t even have a coat yet!
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Ditto what MK said. Better get a BIG coat for this family to ride on 🙂
But seriously, I have become addicted to reading blogs and checking WordPress out. Not ready to start my own blog but it has occurred to me. Hmmmmm….
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Go for it, Ms. Tar! You’d be great.
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Why wait? Video this interview, put it up on YouTube and watch it go viral. Just make sure you have LOTS of hunky guys to rolls those wheel barrels full of money for you. You wouldn’t want to hurt your back…
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Do you have a couple of hunky guys you could lend me, Lorna? Because I would definitelty be interested (purely as money-bearers, of course.)
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You are brilliant and a brilliant writer! Believe me, it’s a perfectly fine measure of good, humor writing that you are guffawing over your own words. Someone out there, possibly many people, are just as big a doofus as you are. I love your theme: “use humor to demystify or defuse situations that bother or worry me.” That, in my opinion, is the only way to get through this life.
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Thanks so much for the kind words! I debate with myself about going more serious, but that’s just not my way of handling things. Coping mechanism? maybe. Oh well, that’s just me.
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As long as you are having fun, that is all that matters. I am glad you explained the photo as a Potter image. I am not a big Potter fan. I actually looked at it and thought of Miss Havisham from Great Expectations!
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That’s a great book. I want to be Miss Havisham when I grow old. In fact, I still have the top tier from my wedding cake from almost 30 years ago, so I’m halfway there. All I need is a soul-sucking hatred for life in general, and men in particular.
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Snape (FOR): Demystify? [voice dripping sarcasm] We do not demystify. We *infuse* mysticism.
PegOLeg (POL): Not with a dead cat tied around your neck, SugarPants.
Snape: Hmm. Tell me more about these things that worry you. [oily smirk]
POL: Well. . . these darned heavy coattails for one, oh, and the hunkahunkas who just wheeled my next advance to the bank, and the carpal tunnel I’m getting from signing autographs. . .
Snape: Yes. Well. I have a spell for that.
POL: Use it on yourself, Snake-Boy, I’m too busy giggling.
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I KNEW Snape was going to turn out to be a good guy. I told my kids when he killed Dumbledore. Did they believe me? NO! I cried like a blubbery baby when sarcastic, oily Snape died (and so did they.)
You should write dialog for the movies – you have a real gift!
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I love writers who delight in their own writing! I’m glad you crack yourself up.
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Thanks! I may have a low threshold of crack-upability.
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