A typical Monday night meal.
Picture this: a grayish-brown burger on a squashed bun, greasy fries, all wrapped in paper and washed down with soda pop.
Now picture this: chilled vichyssoise, steak, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, roasted fingerling potatoes and strawberries, served on linen and silver, and accompanied by a nice Sauvignon Blanc.
Which would you rather have? It’s no contest.
So why are we eating so many meals like the first one? Because we Americans live in our cars. Trips to the bank and the shops blend into rides to and from soccer practice. We have no choice but to forego elegance for the bland, fatty foods served up at the drive-thru, right?
Add a top and a straw, and your best crystal is road-ready!
Wrong!
I, The Vehicular Gourmet, am on a mission to put the fine in automotive dining.
Q: What is the primary challenge to fine automotive dining?
A: The fact that one should keep both eyes on the road, and at least one hand on the steering wheel. This presents obstacles, but we can adapt.
First, we set the stage. For those whose cars don’t come equipped with a bud vase, here’s an elegant solution. Merely attach a perfect bloom to a green pipe cleaner, and wrap around the steering wheel. I recommend placing the bloom at 12 o clock to leave 2 and 10 free for your hands – safety first!
The elegant Sac Soupcon
Eating is just “chowing down” without sterling silver and candlelight (it gives such a gentle glow to a lady’s complexion). Some jurisdictions frown on tassels and baby shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror. Check with your local authorities to see if this prohibition extends to candelabra.
Spills will happen, especially when you’re keeping both eyes on the road to avoid car accidents. That is why I’ve invented the Full-body Damask Napkin. This snowy white napkin covers the whole lap and most of the chest, extending up to fasten on your shoulder belt. Linen just improves with each wash and ironing.
A lady generally wears gloves in public. For vehicular dining, we cut the fingers off, and add a jeweled cuff and ring. When eating with your fingers is this refined, Miss Manners would surely approve.
Our first course is a classic vichyssoise. Some might say soup would be difficult in the car. Oh, ye of little faith. I give you, the Sac Soupcon! Putting on the feedbag has never been so elegant. With its practical insulating layer, gazpacho and French onion soups are both back on the menu.
Hmm, which tasty tater to eat first? Eenie, meenie...
To enjoy your steak hands-free, just cut in chunks and string on a length of fishing line. It attaches easily to the top of the door. A bite of luscious steak is as easy as checking your blind spot!
Fingerling Potatoes are finger-ready when served this way. The potatoes are hollowed out for easy handling. A shake of butter-flavored popcorn salt avoids the mess of butter.
Come on in - the dining is just fine!
Asparagus spears are a natural finger food. It’s the dripping hollandaise that can get one in trouble. The solution? Hollandaise Jigglers! Just combine your favorite hollandaise recipe with some unflavored gelatin. Take a bite of asparagus, and then pop a cube in your mouth for a yummy combination.
Hollandaise Jigglers just make sense on the go.
The menu was to include a chilled Australian Sauvignon Blanc, but I’m sure my alert readers saw the flaw in this plan. We can’t serve a white wine with red meat! To avoid that solecism, let’s uncork a nice, sparkling red grape juice.
Strawberry fields, forever.
We’ll end our meal with a luscious serving of Little Jack Horner Strawberries. Marinated strawberries are best with a dollop of whipped cream for dipping. Put in your thumb and say – what a good girl am I!
There is never a good reason to abandon one’s standards. All it takes is a little planning, and fine automotive dining can be on everyone’s menu.
Bon Voiture Appetit!
The Vehicular Gourmet* Lovely model courtesy of Bizzy-Boo Lovely Models, Inc.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Too funny! That Liz is a really good sport!
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She’s launching her new modeling career.
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And how much did you have to pay your lovely model to stick potatoes on her fingers? Do you, perhaps, need a little vacation?
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I got a family discount. Almost peed my pants during the photo shoot.
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I hope you’ll post a blooper reel.
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THAT’s what I need. A camera to follow me around – sometimes seems my entire life is fodder for a blooper reel.
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And thus turning you car into a vehicle for the luxe life.
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Anybody have a tip for cleaning Hollandaise Jigglers out of the upholstery?
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Hollondaise Jigglers!! I am all of that!! Can you say, yum??
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Actually, the texture is a little off-putting, if I’m being honest.
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All OVER that, is what I meant to type, sissy!! Tell Liz she is a natural for the runway…
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Like her disdainful upper-crust expression? At least, that’s what we were going for.
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I see a book in your future. You give new meaning to the term “Meals on Wheels.”
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Funny you should mention that. I just so happen to have some free time in my future. Know any good publishers?
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A whole new slant to meals on wheels. Funny stuff!
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Thanks! Wish I’d thought of meals on wheels as a subtitle.
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This is absolutely hysterical and clever piece of writing. Hope to see more of beautiful, elegant and sophisticated Liz in your future blogs!
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She’s pretty hard to get. Her agent won’t return my calls (thanks, Becky!).
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LOVED the pictures. I can imagine you had to put some Depends on to keep from wetting yourself during that fun. Hugs to Bizzy-Boo, the now famous model 🙂
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Any poor picture quality is due to the photographer laughing too hard to hold the camera straight. especially when we tied on the black velvet feedsack.
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Actually, your post reminded me of CHarlie Chaplin’s Modern Times movie, where they try out a feeding machine on the poor little tramp so people don’t have to leave the assembly line to eat lunch. The corn on the cob machine is the best…
Hilarious! I seriously think you MUST have had at least some protection from all the giggling you did on this “potato shoot”.* and we know what I’m talking about) Bravo to Liz for playing along. Must have been great fun!
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You’re much more up on classic movies than I. You probably teach Charlie Chaplin in your class, eh?
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This is hysterical, but it’s also thought provoking. If a person can drink one of those super thick shakes from a straw without sucking their eyeballs into their nasal cavities, why couldn’t someone invent a slightly larger straw that would accommodate noodles or tiny chunks of vegetables enabling us to drink our soup while on the road? An extra large broccoli and cheese soup, accompanied by a warm dinner roll sounds far more appealing than that disk shaped substance that some places call hamburger.
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Interesting suggestion, but the inventor of said straw wouldn’t be able to buy enough insurance to cover all the lawsuits from people sucking up noodles and promptly choking on them, thereby crashing their cars and causing all sorts of mayhem. I think I’m making broccoli cheese soup and rolls for dinner, though -sounds yummy.
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Enjoyed the fine dining experience with the beautiful model at the wheel. Amazing Liz kept a straight face. I don’t think it’s going to catch on, though. Too much work.
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Most things worth having require some effort, my dear.
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So that’s why they call them fingerling potatoes…
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Exactly!
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That napkin outfit — it looks like Liz-Biz was mugged by Miles Standish!!!
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Are you mocking the Sac Soupcon? The Damask Napkin? For shame!
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Not only have you proven automotive dining can be just as classy as restaurant dining, you may have actually proven the former superior. My wife has you to thank when we celebrate our next anniversary by dining in a car.
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As long as the rock is big enough, she won’t mind balancing the filet mignon on her lap.
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I’d forgotten about this gem. Liz was the perfect model. I totally understand about almost peeing the pants getting the shots…. like when I tried to take a selfie of us girls last summer. Then again, a good hearty chuckle is always therapeutic. Thanks for resurrecting this one, Peg! 🙂
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Thanks for stopping by this oldie, Miss Guitar. 🙂
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