What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to be paying more taxes.
Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses them to change our behavior. We are encouraged to do some things (buy houses and windmills) and not do others (smoke, drink and drive cars).
I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea. It will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path.
Here’s a partial list of my proposed taxes:
- Me No Like-y Tax: Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed. Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon.
- Scanties Tax: This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low. It is waived if the person is a professional underwear model. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (butt-crack cleavage).
- Tortoise Tax: This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit. Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.
- Murdering the King’s English Tax: Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language. This will be levied for:
- Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
- Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
- Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
- Nobody’s Home Tax: Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human. The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.” Nobody is looking anything up. Don’t you think we get that this is a computer?
- Green Is The Color Of Money Tax: Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon. A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without having to do any heavy lifting.
I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later. I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.
I welcome constructive input, that is. Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me. To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax.
That will be 10 cents each, please.